These take me so long to post now, since this season is so uneventful and pointless. Also, I am tired, for jet lag reasons. So let’s just do some bullets, mmkay?
- Juan Pablo on New Zealand: “I like this place.” He has such a way with words.
- Did you guys hear that Chris Harrison can barely disguise his disgust for JP so they’re rarely on camera together? I wonder.
- Let’s HEAT Things Up date with Andi: Juan Pablo says he got the hot springs date idea from locals. Locals is probably a language barrier mistake for producers. He also says Andi is great because she wants a family just like him. What are the odds!
- It’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday??
- Let Love Roll group date: The group roll down a hill in Ogo balls, which actually looks super fun to me. Then at the After Not-Party, JP has a bunch of 1-on-1 chats. Renee makes the mistake of reminding the Bachelor she has baggage aka a kid. Nikki is wearing a sequin miniskirt and they get more making out time. Sharleen and Juan Pablo do what they always do when they don’t know how to deal with the fact that they have horrible communication and they just awkwardly kiss a lot. Juan Pablo then gets borderline date-rapey and tells Sharleen to stop questioning anything or even stop talking period so he can continue to look lasciviously at her and french some more. Did Juan Pablo say he was going to have a happy ending tonight? Sharleen gets the group date rose and Cassandra gets sent home! HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY, WASHED UP NBA DANCER TEEN MOM! She’s a sweet girl, but needs a little less orange foundation.
- Something something date with Clare: I don’t understand why Juan Pablo is so upset he “kissed in the ocean” in front of Cameeeeeela- What about hot springs humping with Andi? I don’t understand the sweatpants they change into. I was hoping it was going to be Snuggies.
- Wait, now they do commercials where someone IRE proposes? But it’s with a Jared ring, not a Neil Lane ring. Hahahahahahahahaha.
- Cocktail Party / Rose Ceremony: Juan Pablo and Nikki are speaking like two 2nd graders so they just kiss instead, to put us out of our collective misery. Renee’s eyes are hypnotic. Chelsie says some stuff. Kat uses the verb “journaling” and talks about her alcoholic father. Totally shocking she gets sent home.
- Sharleen, please please please put us out of our misery and leave! I can’t wait until the WTA just so that she has to respond to why she tortured herself and all of us every week.
This season is just bad because we know nothing about who Juan Pablo truly is, and there is no chemistry with anyone, beyond physical, that is evident. Sean and Catherine had their goofy notes and Des, before she switched to Chris, had the whole “walking, running, jogging” schtick with Brooks… but this is just devoid of anything good, bad, or interesting. I might be forced to watch the Olympics.