bachelor juan pablo episode 5: reverse psychology date rape

It all started so innocently.

Look at the aggressive body language by Clare.

I am very relieved the ‘Juan’uary Sunday night episodes are over. Although if they decide to do a full 2 hour special on “Where Are They Now?” and start with Frank from Ali Fedotowsky’s season, I am all. in.

Also, a major change in my life: my husband, who has trashed this franchise for over a decade, is now being forced to watch it by his CEO. Yes, that’s right, I don’t understand either. Turns out his CEO has issued a company-wide dictate that all employees will be involved in a Bachelor fantasy draft. I was getting urgent emails and texts all day to help my man with his picks. I don’t really understand how the draft and bidding went, but he couldn’t get all my top choices. Nonetheless, I am pleased with his two picks: Alli and Danielle. Danielle is a true dark horse but there is a reason she is making it through each week, even despite the no screen time thing. Most of husband’s company was focused on Clare and Andi. I agree Clare is a maybe. I think there is no way Andi would dumb down and throw her career away for an ex-jock babydaddy type. And if she would, she doesn’t even deserve to win as a pick.

But of course, they all probably looked at Reality Steve. Yours truly would never. Because this show is magic like unicorns and stretch marks.

Soooooo, where were we?

Oh yes, Vietnam. It is so preposterous that someone like Juan Pablo would end up in Vietnam, I am rather giddy to watch. Bitter also, yes. But this isn’t about me. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Of course it is.

The girls arrive at the Intercontinental Denang Sun…resort, and for some reason more than half of them are wearing tank tops and infinity scarves.

Are We the Right Fit date with Renee

I like Renee. Juan Pablo makes her palms hurt. Why is that not a bad sign? There is no way he will pick someone his own age.

The couple walks around the town of Hoi An. JP bikes her around on a pedicab. Oooh, Renee gets to pick gorg Asian fabrics and have a dress made. JP fans her when she sweats, which is cute. Then they pick out pressies for their respective kids.

Dinner is in an empty restaurant and Renee wears the royal-blue dress that was made at the market that day. They just keep talking about being single parents so that’s not the right romance-starter, but JP gives her a rose and even says that he wants to keep getting to know her and not talk about their kids. Translation: time to kiss! Or at least Renee hopes so.

Juan Pablo is super worried about kissing Renee because doesn’t want 8 year-old Ben watching from home to be okay. Juan Pablo, you are the only parent that would let your child watch this so don’t worry about Ben and put Renee out of her sexual tension misery!

Can You Go with the Flow group date

Everyone pairs off and goes in this circular wooden boats. It starts the theme of everyone hatin’ on Clare since she shares a boat with JP. I know she is a favorite this season to win, but am I the only one who just does not get how even her teeth are? There is something that weirds me out about her teeth. It’s so hard to explain, but so stressful.

The group goes gardening and wears the stereotypical pointy Asian field hats, even though none of the actual farmers are wearing them.

At the cocktail party, Juan Pablo is so horny he grabs Clare for the first one on one time, even though she basically spent the entire day with him. He then takes her to his suite and I have no idea how, but a bikini materializes (she didn’t have it on under her dress so that’s sketchy) and they go for an erotic swim. How long is this lasting? If I was one of the group date girls left behind, I would bed the producers for some gossip mags and Bravo tv to pass the time.

He takes Sharleen – A Panda in a Room Full of Brown Bears – to the beach and I am noticing her majorly backless beach dress. She is the queen of the backless dress, and rocks them like nobody else.

Juan Pablo has nothing to talk about with giggly Cassandra.

Andi gets to go to the beach and smooch with Juan Pablo.

Blah blah blah. Juan Pablo gives the rose to Clare “because [she] got out of her comfort zone”. Wait, how? But no matter because Clare is going to go waaaaayyy out of her comfort zone and sneak over to Juan Pablo’s suite and “swim in a warm ocean”, a favorite Bachelor euphemism. This is like Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robinson territory. So get ready for Clare’s Tell-All book in about a year, everyone.

Their post-coital quotes:

JP: “We got a little wild too.”

Clare: “I just want to have that special moment together … I’m going to let myself be vulnerable … We just went for it .. Pure Bliss, in every way.”

Clare is so happy post-sex, she feels like a Baby Giraffe finding its legs. She just ruined zoos for me 😦

Let’s Have a Hell of a Good Time date with Nikki

I just don’t like Nikki anymore. I hope she is never a pediatric nurse to my kids.

Juan Pablo basically tells us his mind (and other brain) are on Clare but he’ll go on a date with Nikki anyway. Nikki is wearing one of those Paris Hilton forehead headband things. I hope the headband falls into the cave they are supposed to rapel into because of course Nikki is scared of heights. NO, STOP THESE DATES, PLEASE BACHELOR. JUST HAVE PEOPLE MEET FOR COFFEE AT STARBUCKS OR SOMETHING NORMAL.

They french at the bottom. Then they get dressed for dinner, Nikki in a short black 1950s bathing suit I mean dress. They go to eat dinner in a cave. Maybe, I have no idea. They connect on a really deep level, for example neither of them are morning people.

Juan Pablo can’t pronounce “pediatric”.

“I wouldn’t have came.” – Nikki, pediatric nurse, 2014

Juan Pablo is not that great at the pre-rose speeches. Rose for Nikki.

Cocktail Party

The girls pull up in a boat to the cocktail party at the “Fullmoon Restaurant” filled with lit-up paper lanterns. It is enchanting, as described. JP announces he has to send home 3 women. I am predicting Chelsie, Cassandra, and Kat/Kelly, can’t decide.

Clare makes a toast to “Finding Love, Being Love, and Making Love.” My face just contorted and it wasn’t pretty (I get a double chin pretty easily).

Andi, using her ADA big brain, wants to make sure she’s not just in the Physical Zone with JP. FINALLY, dumb Juan Pablo kisses Renee.

And this kiss somehow makes Juan Pablo regret pounding Clare the night before. So he confronts her. And makes her feel bad about what if Cameeeeela sees them doing it in the ocean. Because, remember, Juan Pablo is going to make his young daughter watch the whole season.

This is not a very party cocktail party.

Wait, did the producers just let Danielle speak?

Clare is slut-shaming herself even though Juan Pablo was an equal actor in the escapade. Then JP calls it a mistake and says to delete it and claims he only did it because didn’t want to make Clare feel bad about herself and take away from her happy emotions. Totally disrespectful and disingenuous on his part, and I wish Clare would leave. But this show doesn’t really attract those kind of girls.

They just let Danielle speak again!

Rose Ceremony

All my picks were wrong, Juan Pablo sent home:

  • Alli. I thought he would want a professional nanny as a wife.
  • Danielle who at least got 10 seconds of screen time, and just seems nice
  • Kelly the Dog Lover

At least Juan Pablo cried. Sharleen is crying too.

Previews

New Zealand. Some people cry some more.

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6 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

6 responses to “bachelor juan pablo episode 5: reverse psychology date rape

  1. Elizabeth

    I think, for me, the worst part of the Clare debacle was when JP said she was needy and he’s a good guy and felt bad, essentially he pity****** her. He thinks he is soooo nice and kind and respectful.

    No. What just happened to Clare was none of that. She’s not a particularly nice character, but no one deserves to be made to feel that low.

  2. Bach Fan

    Do you think they really did it in the ocean, or is ABC setting it up/editing it so we think that? I never know. Either way I think Juan Pablo made her feel bad about herself for a decision they both made and that’s crappy. I don’t see who JP is going to pick…I don’t read the spoilers but it seems like he needs to end up alone!

  3. Bach Fan

    Also, I meant to say that I didn’t like JP’s whole “look at me. I don’t like it when you don’t look at me” thing – it was creepy!

  4. yael

    I think they definitely did it in the ocean because if it was just making out, which is normal on this show, why would everything be so intense and regretful and crazy now? Also, I just completely agree that Juan Pablo did Clare rotten in his 180 degree switcheroo. I mean, yes she was aggressive by coming over to his place but he could not have been a more willing participant. And now he is practically acting like his Yes meant No. It’s all sick and it’s just more fodder for his unpopularity. Jezebel puts it well: http://jezebel.com/everyone-hates-bachelor-juan-pablo-1515802741

  5. Gillian

    I just love reading these recaps!

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