sean and catherine ‘grown sexy’ virgin wedding AND bachelor juan pablo episode 4: octopussy

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A Tupac Hologram shout-out? I want to be friends with these weirdos.

822x

What’s the consensus on whether a thigh-y almost 38 year-old can wear belt-themed leggings? I actually want them.

SEAN AND CATHERINE WEDDING

Of course I am choosing this over The Grammys.

We’re at the Four Seasons Resort Biltmore, Santa Barbara and Chris Harrison in a tux. He already flubs his lines, maybe to prove it’s really live.

Sean and Catherine take a road trip from California to Dallas to begin their separate virginal life there. With a camera crew?

Sean: “With any other girl, they might not be down with the idea of a road trip. But Catherine is down with the adventure.”

Wait, what? I honestly didn’t know that a negative stereotype of women is that we do not enjoy road trips.

I feel him though. Maps are hard to read. Driving is so confusing. Seeing new places is too overwhelming. What, for example, they have different currency in Arizona and I don’t know enough math to figure out the exchange rate?! Math is so hard!

Sean sets Catherine up in an empty house with Sean’s friend as a roommate. And then they have camerapeople in the their bedrooms as they say goodnight to each other on the phone. It’s so utterly pointless and I am mad at myself for watching this. What’s going on on the Grammys? Then Sean brings Catherine over to Mom and Dad (Sherry and Jay) Lowe’s McMansion to tell them they picked a wedding date and ask Dad to officiate.

Catherine tells us that “Sean owns all of this” and gestures towards herself and body. The episode is getting off to a good Southern Baptist start, and it’s only the beginning of this revolting theme permeated throughout.

Catherine meets with Mindy Weiss (natch) and tells her she wants her wedding to be so sexy, that all the guests in committed relationships to conceive the night of her wedding. Not to split hairs, but I am sure she means specifically Guests in Committed Relationships Who Still Want More Kids and Are Not Infertile and Where it’s Age-appropriate.

Sean is most excited to be announced as “Mr and Mrs Sean Lowe” when entering the reception. That’s the second unintentionally misogynistic thing Sean has said this episode. But frankly, given how awful girls are at road trips, they should 100% have to relinquish their entire given names after marriage.

Catherine goes with her lady peeps Monique Lhuillier (natch) wedding dress shopping assisted by The Monique Lhuillier Herself. Whoa! PLUS I just read on Wikipedia Llhuillier is 1/2 Filipino. Is that what Catherine is? They are twinsies!

Sean is now in La Perla and the sales associate asks “What brings you in today?” because the huge camera crew and producers in her store never gave her an indication. This scene is actually gross and maaaaaajorly gratuitous. Now the screen within a screen is showing a shot of the Honeymoon Suite Cam. Then later Sean gives Catherine all the lingerie and she giggles. Then later she prepares to do a sexy photo shoot for him. How will their parents feel?!

(Why is Andy Dick the most featured guest at the live shots of the wedding guests before the ceremony?)

Chris Harrison gets to have a chat with Sean and Catherine. Bo-ring.

GO TIME!

2 Cellos. The wedding party walks out. Sean has a black friend. Oh lord the ring bearers are cute. Kensington is a very serious flower girl. I hate to say this but I feel like with Catherine’s hair and make-up they erred a little too much on the side of old.

Catherine walks out to, wait, is it an instrumental version of Michael Jackson’s Human Nature? which I wish was the original version and not this weird cello one. Sean cries and that’s amazing. Okay I admit I am tearing up.

Catherine’s vows are better. ABC must be so psyched that Sean name-checks The Bachelor TWICE in his vows.

@JustinMcElroy: I’m loving how often God is being invoked during The Bachelor wedding, because I bet he just ADORED the courtship.

They are married, walk back down the aisle and Sean cries.

Oh AWKWARD. No one is allowed to leave the ceremony area because Chris Harrison has to get some sound bites from past Bachelor/ette married couples.

Wait, no reception footage?! The producers do a long shot of the honeymoon suite replete with animal noise and the sound of a training increasing in speed. Srsly?

JUAN PABLO EPISODE

South Korea! Pretty soon this show is going to have to start going to the moon. They could do like a Richard Branson geriatric version.

Officially my favorite moment of the season: Chris Harrison tells the ladies to pack their bags and passports because they’re going to “the nation of K-pop and Gangnam Style” and they all look like deer in headlights, except for Ambiguously Asian Sharleen who is PSYCHED (also, because she lives and works in Germany, she already has a passport and has been on a plane before). So Chris Harrison had to follow it up with “Seoul, South Korea.”

Clare or Kat: KOREA?!!!! I DON’T EVEN HAVE A KIMONO.

And then Chelsie yelled they were getting their first stamps in their passports. 😦

So political question: do you think it’s problematic to Kim Jong-il that the girls keep calling South Korea just Korea?

Pop group date with a bunch of ladiezz

Nikki is pissed because she thinks everyone she has to go on the date with is annoying. She doesn’t have sisters, and she doesn’t like sharing.

This date is at YG Entertainment studio with one of the premiere K-pop groups in South Korea. Interesting fact: the New Yorker did a fascinating article on K-pop a few months ago and did you know they often recruit American girls of Korean descent to move over there?

So the girls and Juan get taught to dance with K-pop group “2NE1”- sort of.

Kat wants everyone to know she is crushing this dancing part. Nikki hates her, and life. The girls find out they are going to dance onstage during a 2NE1 show. They did fine. It was in a mall. The fan base for 2NE1 was so rabid it wouldn’t have mattered if people were pooping behind the actual group.

After Party is at the Korean Furniture Museum. Kat gets JP first, and opens up about how her dad was a terrible alcoholic while she was growing up. She is beautiful with veneersy teeth and has that killer dimple and I am not surprised she’s a Medical Sales Rep.

All the girls pretty much agree Nikki is trying to be a rabble-rouser and sucks and is negative. Elise makes that fatal mistake with JP by telling him that some of the girls are not fit to be a mom figure hint hint. Says the teacher from FORTY FORT. Then Nikki is up and it’s clear Juan Pablo is still smitten with her. She gets the rose. Oh well.

Are You My Seoul-mate date with Sharleen

In the shower Juan Pablo’s voiceover says “She’s [Sharleen] my favorite one right now.”

Wait, can we talk about Sharleen’s outfit? Black shirt, dark navy high-waisted shorts and, um, black pantyhose and patent leather kitten heels. Not my fave. Totally confused about the black pantyhose with shorts.

(Back at the Hilton hotel, we find out from Chelsie that Sharleen has described her conversations with JP to be dull.)

Juan Pablo and Sharleen go to a tea house. JP has to ask Sharleen to define “not bland”, which she decrees he is not because he’s sarcastic. They dress up for a night out and in the courtyard of the tea house, JP makes Sharleen sing a little opera. They snuggle. They French it out. This has changed Sharleen’s mind and now she thinks they could fall in love. They agree they get each other. Then he asks her about kids. Ha!

This scene gets interspersed with the girls back at the Hilton saying they can’t see Sharleen as a mom. Sharleen struggles with Juan Pablo’s question and admits she once dated a guy who had a daughter and it was really hard for her. I actually feel bad for Sharleen in getting put on the spot. She clearly has focused on her career and it has served her well. Juan Pablo, to his credit again!, appreciates her honesty even if her kids answer may be a bit problematic for Cameeeella.

Let’s Get Krazy in Korea group date

Starts out with karaoke. In Korean. Then they walk along the food stalls in the open market. Then they take photo booth pics. Then they ride in some swan boat on the water. Then they go into Dr. Fish Zone to stick their feet in those fish tanks with those dead flesh-eating fish that some nail salons have. And I mean the fish eat dead flesh, not that the fish are dead. The novelty of this is so 2010.

Clare is being clingy to Juan Pablo. They all go to eat octopus and she can’t handle it. This makes for some funny zingers from the girls- along the lines of octopus is available at every Italian restaurant in Chicago, and Clare has definitely put bigger things in her mouth before. And as someone coming from a long history of fear of eating anything from the sea, she is totally being ridiculous. You’re trying to win your man! Gulp fast! Chug water! She is forced into it, and her gag reflux kicks in.

The group date after party is just outside their hotel. Laaaaaame.

I know Juan Pablo calls Sharleen classy all the time, but the actual paragon of class is Renee. (Who my friend Meredith says is a dead ringer for Diane Farr. Look her up.) Renee gets some one-on-one time with JP and is so excited to finally take their connection into a romantic direction. She has been patient, kind, generous, helpful, and now totally wants a kiss from JP and he decides, tonight of all nights, that he now has to set an example for Camilla so she doesn’t see him kissing too many girls. He is at 6 now and is cutting things off. Seems bizarrely arbitrary and also, um, who is letting Camilla watch this show in the first place?

There are some one on ones and then Allison??Andi (oh god I can’t tell them apart) gets time with him and it’s cute. They have kind of a natural, comfortable vibe. Why did Juan Pablo say one of his hobbies is sleeping in? Is that where joint custody comes into play? I haven’t slept in in 4 1/2 years. Andi/Allison and Juan Pablo are proof you don’t have to kiss for it to be obvious who has smashing physical chemistry with him. Sad for Renee 😦

Lauren S – who is sneaky pretty – has a meltdown because Juan Pablo doesn’t want to kiss her and she isn’t buying the daughter excuse because he has kissed other people in the house. We know she has a point.

Clare takes Juan Pablo away and Andi and Kelly do a funny impression of her when she was a drama queen about the octopus. She shares with JP that when she “ate” the octopus she threw up in her mouth and swallowed it back down. Juan Pablo, still favoriting the worst girls in the group, breaks his arbitrary no-kissing rule and kisses Clare. He kissed her after she admitted to swallowing vomit, so there’s that.

Andi (?) gets the group date rose. I like her but she does have a slightly mean side, eh.

Cocktail Party / Rose Ceremony

They are outside in an ancient royal Korean palace.

Some boring one-on-one convos ensue. Nikki pisses off the lot by breaking the rule where the three girls who already have roses had agreed to give other girls time with Juan Pablo. She’s a honey badger. Although, to be fair no one likes Clare either and so Nikki interrupting Clare’s time with JP is an immoral dilemma. Nikki spouts some weird anti-women crap about how it’s scientifically proven that when a man likes a woman he looks her in the eye and when a woman likes a man she looks away. WOMEN HATE ROAD TRIPS AND EYE CONTACT.

Kelly, the other sneaky rabble-rouser, makes sure to try to get Nikki and Clare into a fight. Although Clare actually didn’t talk bad about anyone. So in a weird psychological jujitsu, Clare has to confront Nikki so now it seems like she is the one that tattled. Even though she wasn’t. Is everyone following this fascinating exchange?

Um, I miss when the Bachelor has to stare at all the women’s photos.

Rejects:

Elise from FORTY FORT (I never get to type that again, insert sad emoticon) is sad, but manages to get a last dig in at the ugly-on-the-inside girls in the house.

Lauren who had a dumb meltdown also unsurprisingly gets the boot. And then relives her regret from her dumb meltdown the other night.

Previews

They’re going to Vietnam. KIMONOS FOR EVERYONE.

And something happens that’s too far- I think Juan Pablo and Clare do it, or something. Camilla better fast forward that part.

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11 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

11 responses to “sean and catherine ‘grown sexy’ virgin wedding AND bachelor juan pablo episode 4: octopussy

  1. Bach Fan

    Did you know Sean and Catherine waited until their wedding night to have sex? Ha. I felt sorry for Sean and Catherine’s families having to watch the show with all that sex talk. Uncomfortable! Catherine was raring to go. For JP, so far my favorites for him are Andi and Clare…I think he is in the friend zone with Renee, and Nurse Nikki was annoying this week.

    • yael

      Clare, really?! She is rubbing me the wrong way with the octopus drama, her monopolization of JP, and I don’t know… something I can’t put my finger on yet. I keep confusing Andi and Allie? but will get it together.

      And yes- what a joke with that wedding! I would die if my wedding was immortalized for all time around the theme of how bad we wanted to hump. Such a lapse in judgment on their parts…

  2. heather

    wait, did anyone else notice the kid holding a teddy bear at the karaoke place? or were there a few kids? so weird. i thought it was going to be some sweet/sad trip to an orphanage.

    also, sharleen, really? she told JP she’s not so into the kid thing, dated someone in the same situation and it didn’t work out, and then he gave her the rose. i’m hoping that was an editing trick. i’m worried for cameeeella.

    i still want to like nikki. i know she had an off week, and she was getting real annoyed with all of the girls, and doesn’t have any sisters and looks too much like ali f. to get anywhere in bachelornation, but still. i feel like she’s going to redeem herself in ‘nam.

    • yael

      Oh lord, the orphanage comment made me laugh out loud! You know, I think teens in South Korea are similar to the ones in Japan with all that little grown kid sexy weirdness like clutching teddy bears and pigtails and anime. Not to grossly generalize two massively diverse cultures.

      Maybe because it’s like Juan Pablo doesn’t actually want to settle down (he strikes me as someone who will adore the fame that comes from doing this show- all 15 minutes of it), chasing Sharleen is the smart move. He can come off sincere and know that ultimately it won’t pan out and he’ll be free.

      Hmmm, Nikki. Ok I will keep an open mind. It’s just that usually when the entire house agrees on disliking someone, there has always been merit there.

  3. Jenny

    Have you read the latest US Weekly where JP’s friends say he is a playboy and doesn’t settle down? I believe it. Nobody with a child would give a rose to someone who is lukewarm/possibly anti-children (Sharleen). Plus have you noticed he only speaks Spanish with his daughter? I call BS on whether he would really choose a gringo for a wife.

    • yael

      Oh I agree! I just wrote that above! The second they announced him, I knew he was just a fame whore. No offense, but it’s the ex-professional athlete thing and the fact that he loves hanging out now with baseball players. Puh-leaze, you are so not settling down. It would be nice to hear what the sitch is with his ex and what she has to say about him.

  4. Elizabeth

    On every talk show, JP talks about wanting to get back into professional soccer. I’m guessing that was the whole goal (no pun intended).

    • yael

      Really good catch (is that a pun too? Not sure). I am going to listen for that. I just notice he is always talking about how he feels most at home in the baseball stadiums he travels to. Nonetheless, I don’t think the focus is actually Cameeeeela.

  5. I’m glad you pointed out that Andy Dick was in attendance. That was a serious “What?” moment.

    My crew was cracking up at the constant “Honeymoon Suite” camera shots, including the housekeeper making up the bed (which was already made, right?).

    As far as the girls go on the actual show, I’m sick of Clare. She needs to leave. Elise was super annoying as well and I was glad to see her go, even though I had her on my Bachelor fantasy league. Hey, if I’m gonna watch then I’ve got have some sort of incentive.

    As for favorites, I’m partial to Sharleen and Kelly (for purely snarky comment related reasons). That being said, Sharleen seems too smart for JP. I’m just thinking, as a fellow dude, if I were in this position…I’d probably pick Sharleen. She seems to have less desperation and is there for the “right reasons” (why hasn’t that been said 2000000 times already?).

    Also, if JP slept with Clare is that a milestone for the series? (I started watching with Sean, so I’m a newb.)

    -Adam (@fakejuanpablo)

    • yael

      I finally, finally understand the Andy Dick thing. Sean had some Dancing With the Stars people there. But still, come. on.

      So Bob Guiney slept with 7 girls his season and other people definitely do it. Usually the way you find out is when the girls get the boot after fantasy suite dates, they get indignant with a shocked look and sometimes will slip and say something to the effect: If I had known you didn’t return my feelings, I wouldn’t have done what I did last night.

      But yeah, it’s gonna be crazy if JP gets caught sticking it to Clare. Only one more night to wait!

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