bachelor juan pablo episode 3: the one where not that much happens

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Just one season I want it to be Ultimate Fighting instead of some dumb team sport.

So Juan Pablo’s a homophobe. That sucks. I’m going to watch the season anyway because I truly believe ABC and the producers are horrified and have made statements in that vein and because they had already finished taping when the comments were made and because, I don’t know, because I like this show. Hopefully my viewership will be offset by my monthly donations to the Human Rights Campaign. Also, gays are perverts. Straight people are not. I know this is true because of Pregnant-fetish Christmas-themed Porn. Only a really chaste sexual-identity group could have such predilections.

Sunday Night’s Bachelor Love Stories episode

  • I still have the hots for Jason Mesnick. Seriously. Him and Frank from Ali’s season can still make a baby with me if either of them want.
  • It’s funny that Deanna dissed Jesse Csincsak publicly. Stephen Stagliano really always was the cuter, more normal twin.
  • JP and Ashley are as cute as ever. Success after this show should definitely include moving to a city where normal people live. No offense, LA and a bunch of other places.
  • Soooo the Trista and Ryan segment. Hmm. I don’t know. I still feel like Ryan is the same genuinely gentle introspective loving giant of a man, while Trista is just absolutely obsessed with over-processing. It seemed to me she really wanted to emphasize all their hard times in the past and Ryan just wanted to to look ahead. Also, her excitement over ANOTHER Neil Lane right was bizarrely brief. But I will say that she has a body for days, yo! And probably fake boobs, but awesome ones nonetheless. And their kids are so cute. There is some superior genetic material flowing around.
  • I had forgotten how annoying the helicopters were at Trista and Ryan’s wedding.
  • I cried watching Sean and Catherine fall in love all over again. I hope they make it. But I don’t know.
  • Catherine’s got no shame talking and insinuating and blatantly explaining that it was the bed they were going to do it all night on after their wedding. That was funny and awesome and cray cray and awesome. I hope Kensington and her brother weren’t watching!

Monday Night’s Actual JP episode

Whoaaaaa- what is going on with Chris Harrison’s blue color block button-down? I am realllllly not sure about it. It was kind of nice to see that Juan Pablo struggles to convince his preschooler to eat, just like a lot of us do. Even if he hates gays. Elise (from FORTY FORT) tells Renee about how her mom had drafted a letter to get her daughter on The Bachelor before she died of melanoma. And how she’s her angel for doing that. I just think maybe her mom didn’t mean it to be, like, a Juan Pablo, you know what I mean?

Love is A Wild Ride date with Cassandra

Cute red romper, Cassandra. Also, she says she hasn’t had a first date since she was 18? I’m confused. They drive off in a Jeep-looking thing that turns into a speed boat once you drive into the water. It’s cool, but I think everyone was super excited once they transferred to a yacht. They jump off, kiss in the water, and then head back to his pad which is Camilla-free for the night. And then Cassandra takes a bite of pasta!!! I am waiting for her to have a reaction to a carbohydrate entering her body. They salsa or tango or something (?) and my lord, her body is kicking. They look at pictures of each other’s kids. He gives her a rose and they kiss it out.

Let’s Kick It group date

Group soccer date in the stadium for LA Galaxy. Doesn’t Juan Pablo’s voice sound like a calmer Kermit the Frog? Blue Team vs. Red Team and bless Juan Pablo’s heart, he was like Um, why are they wearing eye black like football players? Americans! Yes, seriously. Dumb Americans. You know the producers were like: it will be so cute to put the hot girls in eye black even though it’s totally the wrong sport. Ugh to the ugh. Sharleen gets pounded by the ball. A common hazard of opera singing. I don’t follow who wins or who does well. Champagne comes out. They all change. The after party is along the field. Nikki has one on one time and talks about fear of getting hurt. COME ON. This show has been on for 2,000 years. Don’t come on it if you can’t handle the format. No kiss. That’s cute, one-on-one time with Andi is in the concession stand. Kiss. I still can’t remember all the girls’ names. One wants five kids. One is adopted. Sharleen and her looooooooow back dress, whoazers! They sit on a blanket in the middle of the field. Juan Pablo again brings up that she has class/mundo. She has a major kissing sesh with JP and I am super jealous of her striking lipstick.

All the girls who got smooches all think they’re getting a rose and then Nikki – who got no kissing action – gets one!

Do You Trust Me date with Chelsie

(Why does Elise from FORTY FORT hate Chelsie so much? She pretty much has to talk crap to every, single girl in the house about it. This makes me excited for the WTA episode!)

While they’re car dancing to Venezuelan music I am thinking Chelsie is cute and mundo Sharleen would never be this laid back.

They go for Venezuelan food. Then they go to a bridge and I think they’re going to bungee jump or rapel or something. It’s so Bachelor Boring so I tune out. Chelsie crises and says she’s not sure if she can do it. To be fair, it looks f*cking terrifying. Now I’m thinking these dates are just mean. And I was actually proud of Chelsie that she jumped. They looked cute kissing upside-down in their jorts. Look, I tuned back in!

Their after dinner at City Hall is beautiful, even though as per usual weird because they’re alone but for a huge production crew. Juan Pablo says his biggest fear is not being a good example for his daughter. (Mission Accomplished.)

Chelsie gets a rose. Elise from FORTY FORT is going to die.

Then there’s a private concert by Who Cares. Really, producers? Two in one season?

Surprise Breakfast and Pool Party (in lieu of cocktail party)

In case we don’t know it’s a surprise, there is surprise music playing! Juan Pablo sneaks into the house to make the girls a Venezuelan breakfast. That’s kinda sexy, IJS.

Kelly the weirdo refuses to come over to him because she “doesn’t have her face on.” Renee – who I LOVE because she one of the only women ever on this show to look so awesome sans make-up and seems to rarely wear it, and it nice to all the girls – totally goes over to Juan Pablo like a normal human being.

Since the girls all get a little pre-warning, I am noticing they’re all at least wearing bras.

This is a really good idea, actually. It will be more enjoyable to watch all the one-on-ones in the sun poolside than in gowns and overdone make-up at night.

Bach-eh-lore.

Kat wants to position herself and her ginormous definitely fake boobies well, so she mounts Juan Pablo to chicken fight others. This long-term crotch grab seems the opposite of JP’s obsession with class, so we shall see how it pans out.

Is Sharleen going to waste all our time talking about how Juan Pablo is not the man for her until every time she’s alone with him and he reassures her and they make out? She also doesn’t like the cameras on her. HA!!! HAHAHAHAHA! If she doesn’t like the cameras, she’s the first person in Bachelor history. Then she sobs on his shoulder, and he strokes her back. And the other girls watch. I would rather watch my boyfriend make out with another girl than rub her back. You know what I’m saying? Then Sharleen calls Juan Pablo a tease. Ugh. Why, because he’s not allowed to spend the whole day with just you? This is not the forum for her.

The requisite bathroom crying scene takes place with Clare. And, OF COURSE, Renee is the one to come lend a listening ear. Renee is like the House Mother.

I’M SO BORED.

Watching dumb Clare reminds me of what Catherine aced in Sean’s season. When she got that elusive and valuable alone time with Sean, she just made. it. count. Revealed her real self, asked questions, showed her funny side, learned about him… instead of what 75% of these dumbasses do and spend the whole time talking about how the process is hard for them, and they’re jealous, and they’re struggling.

Chris Harrison comes to save us all.

Rose Ceremony

The girls had to get gussied up after all. I like JP’s super skinny tie and dislike Elise from FORTY FORT’s red bedazzled so-2013 peplum dress. In fact, I think her dress is trying to kill me.

Omg I seriously forgot that naked hippie chick was still on the show!

Rejects:

Lucy Lucinda Snapchat CEO’s girlfriend Free Spirit who loves being barefoot was actually wearing Laboutins.

Christy and her sparkle shorts: “It’s really not fair- it’s really hard for me to open up.” Um, this is the definition of fair then.

Previews

It’s weird to me how much Sean and Catherine’s wedding episode next Sunday is going to focus on how they’re going to be losing their born-again virginity to each other.

South Korea for Juan Pablo?? Really?! Finally, the girls get catty.

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11 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

11 responses to “bachelor juan pablo episode 3: the one where not that much happens

  1. Faye

    I thought Trista being surprised about the Neil Lane jewelry was weird. It wasn’t like Ryan bought it for her, I’m sure Neil Lane donated it like every other ring in Bach history. So, she should have been high fiving Ryan that they got the ring for free. Other random thoughts in no particular order:
    I’m so over Opera singer. She’s so annoying and in real life the two would never get together.
    The chicken fighting was weird with only one guy. I had to look away I felt so awkward for them.
    Hippy girl was wearing a Cartier love bracelet at the end of the show. What hippy owns cartier?
    The bungee jumping scene was boring. Will she or won’t she? I think they interview all the girls and determine which one is the most scared of heights and then make that girl do the bungee jumping each season.

  2. Elizabeth

    I read the whole TCA thing and listened to the original audio. I don’t think that JP is a homophobe. I think he’s in that weird transition place where he knows and loves gay people, but has weird hangups about marriage and family based on years of indoctrination. I’m willing to give him a pass on that solely because I remember also having to transition from what I was being told at church and school and when I finally had the courage to call BS on it all. I think JP is a decent person, this was probably the confrontation he needed to jolt his thinking.

    • yael

      Totally, and thanks for sharing that. I had a feeling and was hoping, especially because he seems genuine at his love and respect for the population. It’s just that he used a strong word (language barrier, right?)! And also I feel like living in South Florida he should already be like a beacon of sexual diversity!

      It already seems to have sort of blown over, so hopefully that’s a good sign. Doesn’t Ellen love this show? I wonder if she’s said anything.

  3. Teresa

    You aren’t a huge Billy Currington fan!?!?! Maybe I have been in the ‘Burg too long.

    Why do people feel the need show us how friendly they are when defending dumb comments they made? “I cannot possibly mean anything bad by my horrible statement, look at all the friends I have! Clearly that means I am a great person and everyone else just misunderstood my statement. Your bad!” Just own the statement and apologize for being a dolt.

    • yael

      That’s funny. I seriously had no idea who he was. But then again, I never know who any of their singers/bands are so don’t take it to mean anything!

      • Teresa

        I said the first part with a large amount of intended sarcasm. Although I have heard of Billy Currington, I am not a huge fan of his. I didn’t know the first band either.

  4. eleanor saari

    please share the recipe that Juan Pablo cooked breakfast for the girls

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