bachelor juan pablo episode 2: the hymen maneuver

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As if. Cassandra’s never had a bite of pasta in her life.

Behind The Scenes episode

I am so tragically addicted to this show, I have even been watching all the Juan-uary Sunday night specials. And this even though the following was also slated for Sunday night: Golden Globes, Girls premiere, Downton Abbey, every single thing on HGTV. Who has two thumbs and chooses Bachelor filler over the comic brilliance of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? This horrifying human.

Ok, so the show. I’m dying of boredom. You know when they “surprise” viewing parties? Every time they walk through the door, there is a camera angle of them coming through the door from the inside view. So, NOT A SURPRISE. Ugh. I hate.

I like when Chris Harrison told JP his accent was terrible. That was my favorite time.

Is it Ca-mee-la or Ca-mil-a?

They show the girls’ bedrooms as some kind of truly inside/behind/back/over/out/under-the-scenes expose. It sucks the women sleep in bunk beds. Do they have guard rails? I would be so afraid.

It’s mean that they show even more footage of the rejects from the night before talking about how hopeless and unlovable they are and crying. And then they do these long extended shots of them leaving with rolly suitcases. Remember when people had to carry their suitcases? Those were crazy times.

Oh GAWD they dragged Sean back, at least with Catherine this time.

JP: “I want that badly- I want a wife and kids.” Me eye rolling. Liar. Then we are treated to a little more background on some of the girls, because this is a very good use of my time:

  • Victoria left Brazil at 15 and doesn’t have an accent at all. (Hint, hint, JP.) She eloped at 18 and the guy was cheating on her by 19. Divorced by 20, I guess. She also loves soccer and salsa.
  • Lucy Lucinda is a self-described hippie, au naturel and likes to be naked. She also speaks Spanish and likes soccer.
  • Elise from FORTY FORT (FORTY FORT! This will never not be written in caps). How can she be a villian if she’s an elementary school teacher? Her mom died young of melanoma. 😦 Oh no, Elise brought a red rose to her mom’s gravesite. Oh, terrible. Dead Mom, will you accept this rose?
  • Amy realllllllly wants everyone to know she’s a reporter. Oh she just got out of a 6 year relationship so I am sure this will work out. I just feel bad for Amy because she has no top lip. I know it’s not her fault. I just think it would be hard.
  • Clare loves her family. My friend John says she’s really pretty but her teeth look like dentures to me. So she is denture-pretty. I will give her that.

They have really stepped up these dates.

The Actual Episode

Clare is crying before her date with Juan Pablo even begins. Is that a Bachelor first? She also looks older than she says. But she’s denture-pretty and I am going to keep an open mind.

“Bach-eh-lore.” – Juan Pablo

JP blindfolds Clare and they get into a car. It’s a little Fifty Shades of Groty for my taste.

I think they do a bunch of fake snow activities but I only start paying attention when Clare is massaging Juan Pablo in a hot tub while telling him way too many serious things.  “my heart.. my spirit… I was Daddy’s little girl…” Imagining a hot, wet guy getting a massage by an almost-naked hot, wet girl while she is sharing her deepest feelings about family dynamics and vulnerability must be the equivalent of trying to eat a giant hamburger while someone is farting directly into your face. Trying.So.Hard.To.Enjoy.But.Can’t. Did I just say Hard? Poor, Juan Pablo.

JP: “I want Clare to know she’s (her boobs are) safe with me.” And then I am pretty sure they do it in the hot tub.

Finally, they run through the snow with open coats on towards live music. Apparently their arms were cold, but not their feet or genitalia. Concert for two is courtesy of ABC and  Josh Krajcik and then the magical night ends with a “snowfall”. Clare also managed to use  the phrase tip of the iceberg during the snow and ice date.

I Can Feel the Electricity date with Kat

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He likes blondes then. (Also, the dog in the house annoys me for some reason.)

Kat’s dimples are cute. And she is allegedly a great dancer. And she’s wearing a denim shirt. SCORE! I just bought one from H&M the other day. Because, you know, I just get it.

Juan Pablo and Kat take a private jet and on the plane get dressed in track suit/neon clothes, headed to an EDM festival in SLC, Utah. Just kidding, it’s a race. It’s a race at night where you wear neon and stop and dance along the route. I officially decree it to be the best, funnest, coolest, differentest date ever on this show. I didn’t know that was still possible but way to go, producers! I am registering for the Brooklyn one stat.

Say Cheese group date

It’s a photo shoot with dogs for dog rescues, via Models and Mutts. Unlike last night’s date, this feels like well-worn Bachelor territory. The group date that involves hair, make-up, cameras, zero hanging out with the Bachelor, and people getting jealous of on-screen kissing.

The girls all get done up according to the dog they are paired with. Or not, because most of them just look like themselves in bikinis. But then randomly a few of the women are spray painted, some wear wigs, and Andi and Elise have to be almost naked. Which they both freak out about. I don’t understand. You basically have to submit to a bathing suit audition to even make it on this show, and we’re supposed to believe you are uncomfortable? Also, as an aside, their bodies are perfect. STOP BEING WEIRD. If I had a body like either of them, I would stay naked every day and just constantly text everyone I know pictures of me to remind them that GOD LOVES ME MORE. Lucy Lucinda Naked Hippie Dating Snapchat CEO steps in to at least switch places with Elise. Andi, on the other hand, pulls the old Bachelor trick of freaking out alone about something incredibly minor only to completely reverse her tantrumy position once the Bachelor gives her one minute of undeserved attention. Andi, I like you, but your body is sick and stop hating dogs.

I feel bad for Chantel – who’s already doomed – because they make her wear a one-piece.

The After Party

rooftop pool locale looks like it’s been in at least ten of the past seasons. Has it?

One-on-one time with Cassandra. The gorg former NBA dancer. Also, does she not look EXACTLY like Teri Hatcher?? Cassandra has a 2 year-old son, Trey.

Then Juan Pablo takes Renee on the roof, who also has a son. He keeps taking the single moms up in here. And he seems pretty into them. This may be a Bachelor first. Besides the time Brad Womack was trying to make Michelle Money pregnant for a second time on the beach that one date.

Now it’s one-on-one time with Nikki: “It’s been a long day… it’s been a long day. It’s not bad… it’s just, new. I’ve never been in this situation before.” She seems surprised. Did producers roofie her and she woke up on a dating reality show that has been around for 15 years that everyone on Planet Earth knows the premise of? But JP likes Nikki. He expresses this about his favorite women by saying suggestively “I woo like to get to know her better.” (You have to imagine that was in his accent.)

Victoria is drunk and simulating hot tub sex with no one. Then she walks drunk to JP, does an about-face, and then she sobs in the bathroom. She runs around crazy some more and ends up sobbing again in the bathroom.

Kelly the Dog Lover got a rose, and it’s well-deserved as for some reason she had to wear a bald cap and get spray-painted with dots for the photo shoot.

Victoria’s crazy train display at the After Party gets her own hotel room and a special visit from Juan Pablo in the morning! Drama pays, yo. She blames her “crazy train” on the entire nation of Brazil. Brazil gets a butt implant and goes to the beach in retaliation. Victoria apologizes but JP says because he’s 32 and has a daughter, he can’t take a chance on someone who can behave that way. And Victoria gets shown the door.

Wow, color me impressed, Juan Pablo. This reminds me he’s always commenting positively when he thinks a girl seems classy or sophisticated, so that’s clearly important to him. Which is cool. He may surprise me yet with his chastity, appreciation for class, and actually good intentions. But look, the season is young.

Oh my gosh, they filmed an M&M commercial in the Bachelor mansion.

Cocktail Party

Amy gets called for 1-on-1 time first since she wasn’t on a date. She decides to the completely wrong thing and “interview” Juan Pablo in her reporter style. I am mostly focused on her non-upper lip and also the fact that she calls him Juan, not Juan Pablo. I don’t know if that’s okay with him. Or if it’s okay with him how weird that was, and what a waste of her alone time.

Sharleen apologizes for being “ungracious” when she accepted a rose the first night. And then proceeds to get all stumbly and blushy so look who likes Juan Pablo now, you opera snob you!

Cassandra Teri Hatcher cries because she misses her son Trey, while looking at pictures of Trey. Renee consoles her. Omg, Renee consoles all the crying girls! What a sweetheart. Then JP goes to console Cassandra. She seemed like she was about to leave until he tells her “You’re cute.” And in a moment, she no longer cares about Trey and throws his pics in the fire that is raging even though it’s LA and you don’t need a fire ever. Ok, she didn’t really do that and she still loves her son but points for Andi and Cassandra working the tried and true techniques this episode.

Rose Ceremony

It’s weird for me to like all these girls kind of. No one is super crazy or terrible (now that Victoria is gone). So there’s no one I am excited to get the boot.

REJECTS include Chantel (she looks so pretty tonight with her top bun and perfect make-up and deep v) and Amy the no-top lip reporter.

Previews for next week

Finally, a good Sunday in Juan-uary- we get to check in with all past Bachelor couples. And who woulda thunk it but I think Sharleen causes the drama next Monday!

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4 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

4 responses to “bachelor juan pablo episode 2: the hymen maneuver

  1. Bach Fan

    A few observations: Andi was so worried about the nude photo shoot, and talked about how she wears a one-piece swimsuit, and then in the next scene at the mansion, she had on some neon bustier/tube top/bikini top. HMMM. Also I thought Juan Pablo was classy to stick up for Victoria when she wasn’t at her best (man was she drunk – I have been there but not in front of a TV crew) but we could count on ABC to totally exploit her – showing her drunk quotes, filming under the stall, etc. And I was cringing when the reporter girl was doing the fake interview, I knew she was a goner. I actually like the Sunday night show – I have the same weird addiction to this show that you do!

    • yael

      Good catch on Andi- I didn’t even put it together.

      And speaking of Sunday nights, isn’t there also like two Bachelor weddings this year? It’s a bonanza!

  2. Faye

    I know I’ve said this before, but I have so many issues with the racing date. First – they take a private jet to Utah and the girl says that she would love a man to take her on dates like this and surprise her. Um, HELLO? He doesn’t own a private jet, this isn’t real life. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome, it’s just not something JP is going to do in real life….. Second, they never show how they get home from these dates or any of the one on one dates. I know it’s weird, but I really want to know!
    I liked Andi before the weird don’t want to exploit myself bs. Now I’m over her. What do you expect? And opera girl is weird. How did she get on this show? I can’t see her submitting a video.
    Can’t wait for the LIVE wedding!

    • yael

      I see what you’re saying. I overlooked that (shouldn’t have) because I thought it was so cool they were doing a race, and also did the rare thing where they participated in the world instead of being in some separate cocoon somewhere. But yeah, can you imagine an actual date with JP? It’s like going to the gym in Miami.

      There is something off about Sharleen. She also doesn’t really know how to smile.

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