bachelor juan pablo 2-part premiere: someone said wiener

sharleen

Sunday’s Countdown to Juan Pablo

Two confessions at the outset of Sunday night:

  1. I go to this diner a lot by my apartment. A LOT. And our favorite waiter (can you still call them that?) is named Juan. But the first time I asked him his name he said it with the proper pronunciation like he was about to hock a loogie during the J-part and since I can’t do it right, now every time I address him, I whisper his name. Moral of the story: it would stress me to be one of Juan’s suitors this season. So luckily, I didn’t audition.
  2. I missed the first 15 minutes of this episode because the Sunday 8pm start time threw me off. I was busy cleaning the kitchen with a great deal of resentment and bitterness towards my spouse.

Here are some things that happened:

Naked running through Miami. First Latino Bachelor. At the gym. Trainer. Shows off his guns. Playing futbol.

Juan Pablo tells us he is in consulting for sports and entertainment. He basically puts like professional athlete’s baseball bats directly into his trunk bound for a museum in Venezuela. Something like that. Went to college in Rochester, NY. Retired from futbol “because my daughter was born and I didn’t want to miss that.” YEAH RIGHT. No one stops being a professional athlete for family reasons. Clearly he was cut or something. Can someone look into this?

JP at the playground with his daughter and then singing Spanish pop songs in the car. A number of people in my general sphere noted that he may not have buckled the car seat correctly. I know Florida has laxer laws so maybe one is interpretive harnessing.

They go to JP’s extended family’s house for some pool time and yukking it up. One gem that gets discussed is:

Juan Pablo doesn’t have a “type”- he’s dated all kinds. For example DJs, models, actresses…

Soooo, totally no type.

By the way, why does Juan Pablo have the strongest Venezuelan accent in his entire family? I understand his father better than him. JP’s sister announces she’s pregnant over a Skype call with everyone. Cute. JP has a poignant moment with his dad (who speaks better English than him, remember?).

Wait, the Gia Allemande tribute is happening now? Are we doing this?

We’re doing this.

It’s pretty bad. Lots of shots of her with Bachelor people, which is just the worst.

Best part:

“To learn more about suicide prevention, go to abc.com.” 

I actually clicked on it, trying to imagine myself in desperation looking for a lifeline and a huge pop-up of the show Revenge came up. I had to scroll way down and scan the choices to find a tiny box on suicide help. The fact that ABC used this as an opportunity for marketing and web traffic is just, well… I think it shows some visionary thinking over at that network.

Monday’s Actual Premiere Episode

A preview of the season that we have already seen 15 times, and will see 45 more.

Is it just me, or has the creepy music really been amped up? It’s like a horror film.

Juan Pablo shaves his chest. That’s a prereq for this show, right? I like chest hair. IJS.

I love how JP pronounces “Bach-eh-lore”!! That’s maybe my favorite thing that will happen this season.

Oh cute, his daughter comes to LA for a couple of weeks with Juan Pablo’s parents. I feel like the could have decorated her bedroom a little better. Apparently the entire production budget was maxed at little wall decals. Which brings me to the realization that Juan Pablo is constantly talking about how his daughter is his life, and yet he will spend this season (has already) making out with lots of different women. Let’s hope the apple falls so very far from his chiseled tree.

It seems mean Sean would interrupt right after JP starts pushing his daughter on a swing. I also feel bad because, next to Juan Pablo, Sean looks like a huge pile of poop molded into a human.

Chris Harrison: “Juan Pablo fever has reached epidemic proportions.” I always thought the phrase was epic proportions. Although epidemic could work. I feel like a lot of us got STDs just thinking about the season ahead.

THE WOMEN

This is in order of appearing onscreen and apologies for names/bios I got wrong. I was eating a lot of popcorn and super excited about it:

Chelsie with an ie: A cute kindergartener from Ohio. Turns out she’s actually a science educator. She tries to do a gimmick and then throws the glasses and says something about instead of doing chemistry, they should have chemistry. Juan Pablo does not understand.

Renee: Paddle boards in Florida and has an 8 year-old son. I like that she just wears an understated black dress the first night. She and Juan Pablo bond in their talk over having kids.

Andi: The one to beat so far. Assistant District Attorney in Florida. Smoking hot. She went to law school?? They save her for last in her own limo and JP can barely control himself and he looks her up and down so many times and can’t seem to believe his luck himself. She is also killing it with a plunge neckline navy dress. I think she feels bad she is so smart, so she tries to convince JP she doesn’t read during their one-on-one time together. Oof. The women’s movement just took a nosedive.

Amy J: Massage therapist and clearly the one chosen to be wacky and embarrass herself. Thought she would be married by 31. Tries to feed the camera breakfast. At the party, she actually gives Juan Pablo a massage and he calls it ‘awkward’. I bet producers egged her on. She wins for being the only girl in the room with fierce bangs, and loses for everything else.

Nikki: Pediatric nurse who is, also, adorable. BEDAZZLED dress but it’s black and backless and pretty. And it’s more metal work than jewely. She brings a stethoscope out of the limo for JP to listen to her nervous heart palpitations. He thinks every girl in the first limo is smoking and after Nikki passed by, he does that thing where he puts his fist in his mouth to signify, what, I don’t- restraint? Like when you can’t believe how hot someone is. No one has ever made that gesture about me in their life. BUT one year in Brownies, I was top cookie seller and my prize was a stuffed animal tiger.

Lauren H: Oklahoma girl with sucky love life who is best friends with her family. She caresses the wedding dress she never got to wear while telling us how she got dumped by phone even though she and her fiance lived together with his son. We all know the stories are supposed to make the dumper look like a creep, but then it’s always the dumpee that looks bad. But girls can’t resist sharing this stuff on the show. Wait, Lauren’s a mineral coordinator? What is that? She cries a lot during the cocktail party and has a therapy session with a lot of different girls. I’m not sure she’s ready to date yet. And then when she finally gets alone time with JP, wastes it talking about how spectacularly she was dumped by her ex. Turns out, she’s probably cool IRL.

Also, There’s a lighthouse in Oklahoma?

Valerie: Personal trainer from tiny farm town in California. Wears cowgirl boots out of limo and wants to make sure Juan Pablo knows it too.

Lacy: Has 9 special needs siblings. Opened her first elderly care facility at 20??!! 20? And it’s called “elderly” care?  I feel like this hometown date will be like Shawntel’s but elderly people instead of corpses. Wait, that came out wrong. Also, she’s adorable, or as my husband says: “giant boobs”. She wears an on-trend cut-out back/side dress with BEDAZZLED detailing. She also brings Juan Pablo Red Hots. I liked her until she presented JP later with a puzzle made of a photo of her daughter. Creepytown.

Clare: Sacramento hairstylist in her 30s who is part-Mexican. Dad died of brain cancer. He made a DVD for her future husband. PLEASE GOD DON’T LET CLARE GIVE THIS DVD TO JUAN PABLO. Gets out of limo pretending to be preggers. I don’t know what to say about that.

(By the way, what a twist!!! Not twenty-FIVE women, but twenty-SEVEN. Chris Harrison, you sly fox.)

Amy L: Local news reporter in Florida. BEDAZZLED dress.

Cassandra: Former NBA dancer from somewhere. You know how ABC feels about her former job that they would rather list it than what she does now. BEDAZZLED dress, BUT mostly tasteful and flattering. She runs out of things to say out of the limo and JP does not jump in to help. Which is sort of his role as the main event, so that’s lame. Oh, turns out she’s a make-up artist. But ABC wants you to know SHE USED TO BE AN NBA DANCER.

(Juan Pablo stares at boobs and butts a lot.)

Christy: Marketing manager from Chi who is wearing a BEDAZZLED tiara. I dislike it very much.

Christine: Police Support Specialist from Miami killing it in a green strapless. Brought a cute charm bracelet for Camila.

Kat: Medical Sales Rep from somewhere and also a dancer. They do a few salsa moves together. Pretty, red, form-fitting dress. Juan Pablo says she smells very good. Which I feel like is on the B-list of compliments.

Chantel: Gives Juan Pablo a lesson in how to pronounce her name even though no one ever wasn’t sure how to pronounce it. Her dress is way to short for the limo parade night.

Victoria: Legal Assistant from Florida killing it with a subtly BEDAZZLED yellow cap-sleeve dress. I hope she wins with Possessionista tonight. Oh and she’s Portuguese. JP says: “Another cute one!” So diplomatic actually singling his favorites out like that.

Lucy: “Free spirit” from Santa Barbara who was worried we wouldn’t believe her moniker so she wore the Free Spirit uniform of wildflower head garland and flowy dress and bare feet. “Real hippies don’t wear shoes” she tells Juan Pablo to make sure we know she is, in fact, barefoot. Claims no place is home, she’s a drifter. I have a visceral dislike towards her, which I am not sure is abated or abetted with this additional info:

Lucy is best friends with Kate Upton and she wants you to know it.

Lucy’s boyfriend is the CEO of Snapchat and she wants you to know it.

Screen-Shot-2013-11-26-at-12.11.28-PM1-630x350

Danielle: Psychiatric nurse from somewhere. Stunning, if I recall correctly.

Lauren S: Music composer from Texas who rode up a piano and played some bars. She needs a dating show? Juan Pablo ran inside to get her name, which in retrospect is funny because he doesn’t remember any of their names later anyway.

Elise: Let’s talk about Elise. First grade teacher. Fine. A BEDAZZLED dress made with more bejewels than every other girl in the house’s dress combined. It’s fairly hideous. And her side view is a Spanx fail, I feel. Also, she lives in a town called Forty Fort. FORTY FORT, you guys!

Ashley: Also a first-grade teacher. Pretending to be 25 which if true puts me at barely legal. Ugly BEDAZZLED dress. She gives Juan Pablo a gold star sticker, as though he is one of her students. *Me scrunching my face*

Alli: Nanny from Chi. Dribbles a soccer ball out of the limo which is cute and prolly sexy to JP.

Maggie: Personal banker from SC. Brought Juan Pablo a fishing hook and then said something about a catch. The first time she ever flew an airplane was to get to this show. Yowza.

Kelly: “Dog Lover” from Atlanta.

Ugh, another limo.

Alexis: Communications Specialist from Tampa (what’s up with Florida this year… ) who speaks at least a little Spanish.

Kylie: Interior Designer who is a very bad Body Designer. She is wearing a cotton candy-pink dress with like pastel BEDAZZLE details and terrible matching lipstick and nail polish. Definitely worst dressed. But she seems nice.

Sharleen: Canadian opera singer who lives in Germany and is super gorgeous. I like her lavender blouson-style dress (I had to Google that) with the cool back detail and open sides. She is so gorgeous and worldy (“mundo”, according to JP) that I still don’t understand why she’s here and why she would want him. He’s like a silly ex frat jock. Oh wait, she doesn’t want him. She is telling us she feels no chemistry and no connection with Juan Pablo while he runs to grab the First Impression rose for her. Then he tries to reassure her and says she’ll “sleep well tonight.” Humbled Night 1.

Cocktail Party

JP gives a silly little toast about how he can’t believe how hot the girls are and he realllyyy just caaaaan’t belieeeeeeve how hot the girls are and I feel like he’d be perfect as a gay best friend, you know.

That’s cute the first night they had a dance party and photo booth.

There are a bunch of talks and all that’s relevant is that Juan Pablo cannot remember a single woman’s name.

Rose Ceremony

Lucy does a twirly dance after she gets a rose. Dislike.

Rejects

Green dress
Age liar
Masseuse
Kylie of the pink dress, but thinks her name is called when Juan Pablo says “Kat” and so tries to go up to get a rose which Juan Pablo didn’t handle well at all. He kept making juvenile faces and then looking at Chris Harrison. It’s going to be a weird season.
Girl with ex issues. She says “I can’t believe I’m going home the first night.” No?

Scenes

Some stuff happens this season.

So?

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16 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

16 responses to “bachelor juan pablo 2-part premiere: someone said wiener

  1. Elizabeth

    I’m so glad we’re back.

    Biggest moment for me was Sharleen nearly rejecting the first impression rose. I actually get the feeling she’s been so busy with opera in Germany that she may not have seen the show. But Juan Pablo apparently likes the chase and the one girl potentially out of his league.

    But back to you – why were you furiously cleaning the kitchen?

    • yael

      Agree. So glad we’re back. Except for all the hours of my life I lose.

      I am sure I was engaged in a diatribe about gender norms in the home and work share responsibility. And that I clean better than him. Something like that.

  2. Gillian

    Yay! I’ve been looking forward to this recap for weeks!
    I was just blown away that JP picked that opera singer because she truly was a stand out, different from the rest girl, but I had no idea he’d be into that. From the scenes it looks like she might change her tune re the chemistry but that also could be the trixy ABC editors.
    Wait did white bedazzled headband girl make it through? Not not only was her outfit and head band a poor choice, her foundation was like the color of juandicey death! Or should I say Juan-dicey death? Anyway I hope they bring in like the revlon team for some tips for the girls moving forward.
    And finally me very much dislike Lucy. And I went to a hippy school and currently have a birth tub in my bedroom for the impending birth of my baby due any minute so if Anyone is capable of giving the barefoot twirly flower girl a break it’s be but man, so not genuine.

    • yael

      Let’s do this in order of importance:
      1. Good call on that girl’s foundation. No surprise given her tragic fashion choice. Juan-dicey is extra points for you. New game this year: people accrue points based on how clever the name pun is. Wait, is it a pun? Or a play on words? I got a B in English.

      2. Congratulations on the almost birth! May your child be as loved as Camila, as wealthy as Ricki, and as Northwest awesome as Ty.

      3. I can’t figure Lucy out. I recommend her Twitter feed although you may get lost in a vortex of her hangers-on and assorted people’s Instagrams. There are a lot of private jets involved and models. Her shtick is abhorrent and according to the excellent Burning Man documentary, what’s ruining the festival. Or whatever one is supposed to refer to Burning Man as. But she is terrible and I hope gets kicked off soon and as punishment has to live amongst actual hippies for a time.

  3. Bach Fan

    Hilarious recap as usual! So glad you’re back! Fun times ahead! And many hours of our lives lost.

  4. sonjey

    Yes, JP is hot and all scenes should be looked at and not heard!. I have a feeling it’s going to be a rather boring series…He is out of Andie and first impression girl’s league…. Where is the real girl looking for love? My first impression is that she is missing in action. I personally think Claire is beautiful and hopefully more dynamic than opening night scenes. Betcha he chooses a Floridian cause he’s not going anywhere! The redhead should know that she chose the one color that truly clashes with the hair……and fushia… thank goodness we won’t have to strain our eyes! How embarrassing was that scene? can’t wait for the locations… that really keeps me afloat!

    • yael

      That poor, poor, redhead. I think I saw on Twitter she’s taking all the grief like a champ and man, she looks better in her every day life. I have no idea what she was thinking for her tv debut!

  5. Jenny

    So glad you are back!! Yippee! My personal favorite is always the first night of the bachelor! And could it be possible that we may have our first attractive, professional (non-model, waitress, etc.) viable candidate? So excited for a female attorney!

    • yael

      I was hoping you would chime in so we could get intel on whether that hottie is a legit Florida ADA!

      • Jenny

        I would love to but I think she is from Atlanta! Speaking of Florida, I find it odd that Juan Pablo finds a girl that lives in Germany “worldly” considering he lives in Miami! Nobody in Miami is from the U.S. I thought he would want the all-American type.

  6. Pat

    Does anyone else think that the opera singer/ice queen was a plant? She seemed way too affected like she was trying too hard to be disinterested…unless she’s just a royal bitch…

  7. I had to drop by to say that I love your blog. I have read it ever since my girlfriend convinced me to watch on Sean’s season…and have been hooked. No shame. I used to live tweet the show, now I’ve just decided to create a fake JP account and have my fun there. Thanks for all your awesome thoughts put to words…and for the record, even I thought Kylie was dressed completely wrong. And I’m a dude.

    Also, did anyone else find it unintentionally funny (and feel immediately horrible afterward) when Clare was talking about her dad, saying “he had something wrong with his brain. It was a tumor.” I mean…I sympathize, tumors and cancer are no laughing matter…but surely there’s a more eloquent way to say it! Oh well.

    Adam

    • yael

      Ok, Adam, you just got your second Twitter follower. Message @possessionista and maybe you will get 1,000!

      Also, you’re a nice boyfriend to watch this show.

      • Yes! You have made my day.

        Also…it’s one of those shows that I hate but love so much. It’s not a total drag to watch, especially since we have weekly themed parties with friends. Not the type of parties that Juan and Chris would come visit, as we are far too casual (and in Louisiana). Also we would probably just give a Sharleen-esque “Really?” if they showed up.

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