“The Television Event of the Summer”
Oh wait, not Antigua. First we are tortured with a retrospective of Des’s journey thus far. Even though we will have to watch it again in one/two week(s) for ATFR (if there is one- I guess that’s uncertain at this point).
Back to Antigua. Do you think we all have been mispronouncing Antigua all this time because of that Beach Boys song Kokomo?
Des reviews the last three men.
“Chris is truly perfect for me in so many ways… we have all the ingredients needed to make a great relationship.”
“[Drew and I] really do have this emotional connection…the caliber of Drew’s looks is off the charts.” (Does Drew look a little Val Kilmer-y circa Top Gun?)
“I have great connections with Chris and Drew but my feelings for Brooks are set apart from the other guys because when I’m with Brooks, I do see my future.” (Proof something happens and Brooks leaves this episode- because the producers would never spoil the obvious ending.)
Dates go in order of how Des feels about the guys- from least to most.
They Jeep it around Antigua. In her side confessionals Des talks about how hot and ridiculously hot Drew is. It’s kind of nice to see how much she is objectifying him.
Shirley Heights party. Oh this is HILARIOUS. The tourism board clearly picked the most scenic overlook and moved the whole normal street market up a few thousand feet above sea level. They had to also import the awkward white tourists.
The couple picnics over another scenic overlook and as per usual they have to have their backs to the view so we the viewers can see it instead. Such generous editing. Drew seems very in love with Des so I feel bad for him.
At night they kiss in the rain on the beach. It’s kind of hot except Des keeps one hand on her umbrella. If it was Brooks, she would be humping on the beach.
Des gives Drew the Fantasy Suite card even though I feel like this date has revealed very little in terms of where these two are with each other. And also, since Des has been so vocal about only being in love with one person, she is basically doing this because she wants to get in some last jollies with a hot guy before hopefully getting engaged with another. That makes her not nice. Drew is telling Des he would propose this second if he could. And he says I Love You. And he kisses while kind of grabbing her hair. Oh my. I think I am crushing on a gay guy?
Brooks visits his family for clarity
Brooks is struggling with why he doesn’t feel ready to say I Love You to Des. Um, because he doesn’t love her. So he goes to Boise to break it down with his mom and his sister (one of). The idea of him proposing is very uncomfortable to Brooks. Brooks’ family confirms for him he doesn’t want Des to be the one.
It’s weird that the absolute hottest I have ever considered Brooks to be is right here when he is telling his family that he doesn’t love The Bachelorette.
Helicopter. Chris is scared of heights! This is a nice reversal. Chris is cute. It’s too bad he’s not The One Des Wants.
After their scenic flight over the Caribbean, they land on Barbuda Island to picnic and frolic. How do people go #2 on these kinds of dates? Are there porta potties set up? There was a preview of some crazy beach and ocean making out, but very little of it is shown.
Dinner on the beach. What’s that squeaking sound in the background? Blooper reel! I like Des’s tie-dye dress.
Chris is trying to woo Des to Seattle to join in his nice life plan. I can’t tell by her cagey answer if she’s open to it. She is basically saying she always has to be the one in relationships to sacrifice. I don’t know… why is Chris not open to moving for love? Because he’s a mortgage broker? PUH-lease.
In accepting the Fantasy Date card with Des, Chris claims it’s because he just wants to view the stars outside. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
POEM BY CHRIS. The word Journey is in it. Also, not to quibble because I know poetry can take on many/any form(s), but Chris’s poem sounds like a letter of normal spoken sentences that he is calling a poem. So on that note, this entire blog is a poem. You’re welcome.
Des and Chris seem pretty hot and heavy in the hot tub so I am not sure how Brooks factors into this romp. But given everything Des has stated pretty clearly, she is just using Chris for his bod right now.
Des shows us her smokin’ bod as she steps her bikini self into shorty shorts and a cut-off tank. She doesn’t know yet what’s going to hit her. Meanwhile Brooks meets with Chris Harrison to let him know he’s not crazy in love with Des. When Brooks walked up with his rolly suitcase, I was wondering if he was kicking himself for doing this before getting a date on Antigua instead of after. Further proof he is a classic Mormon male: high character, virtuous, well-principled. Sucker.
I don’t know why but Chris Harrison quizzes Brooks on what feeling truly in love is like (um, wha? Chris was married for 200 years). But sweet, perfect Brooks has such a stellar answer: vulnerability and pain.
Brooks has to let Des know/go. I feel for him because dumping sucks. Well actually, the anticipation sucks. And producers suck because while Brooks is walking up to Des, they are playing all her best soundbites about being in love with Brooks and wanting to marry him. He walks her out on a dock instead of leaving on a catamaran of love. Des must already know because she starts crying. Why does his speech have to take so long? It’s weird that dumpers always think they have to flatter the person first. Des is like mmm hmmm ummm hummm GET TO THE POINT.
Can you imagine getting to be the star of this show only to get dumped on national tv? Holy shit, that is low. I feel like he should have bowed out sooner if this is really how he feels.
Another question: why is Des’s leg still crossed over Brooks’ and his hand on her thigh?
This reminds me of Ali breaking down on a dock when Frank left her season. These are like two of the realest moments this franchise has ever had. Ugh. So sad and sucky.
Brooks’ break-up hair is batshit crazy. If anybody on Earth loves me, they will get a still frame of it.
Des says in her life she’s never felt completely loved by anyone… but given Chris and Drew, I think she just means loved where she feels the same back.
“I don’t care that you just broke my heart, I love you.” Whoa.
(I think maybe Des wears too much make-up for Brooks. His hair indicates he would want low-maintenance make-up in a lady friend.)
Is that a heartbeat on the mic?
This is like camping: in tents.
I feel bad I called this season boring.
Also, for the record, they both got bleeped. Amazing.
And Brooks is not wearing his seatbelt.
Des crying on a pier etc.
“Honestly- for me, it’s over.”
The live television event of the summer we don’t want to miss. For the first time EVER, I think it’s not hyperbole.