I should not be recapping this. I have 900 other more important things to do. Which is why Imma recap!!
Some of you pointed out last week the Tell All episodes usually follow the overnight nights. That slipped right past me but being alerted to this major change of affairs, I watched this episode with heightened curiosity.
First things first: I want the viewing party bus to stop at my house. How can I make this happen? Are you going to tell me it’s not “good tv” if they come in and it’s just me in an oversized old t-shirt eating from a bag of microwave popcorn and typing on a laptop? That’s preposterous. Ashley and JP would love my microwave popcorn. I splurge on Movie Theater Butter.
I was rolling my eyes when Des was having some girl chat with Emily, Ali, and Ashley from seasons past. But it wasn’t as much of a joke as I expected. The girls seemed genuinely interested in advising on how to dress down a ne’er-do-well from the cast. And also it reminded me I liked those girls and their seasons. I think I did. I forget every single thing I say here. Example: I kept watching the show and thinking Kasey is so cute and has such cute hair only to conveniently forget he was the annoying #hashtagger from Night 1, right?? #throwingupinmymouth
Time for BULLETS!!!!
- I forgot about the guy that worse a suit of armor. I LOLed a little bit.
- It seems universally agreed that Juan Pablo should be the next Bachelor. I don’t think he should make an issue of mispronouncing his name though. It’s called an accent. I dare him to say MY name the way I do.
- Date Rape Jonathan had some very good apologies. I would say he has rehabilitated his image.
- Drew is hot (I know he wasn’t there, but from the flashbacks). Gay though?
- Brian declined to come so I wonder if he is back with Stephanie?
- Ben looked good on stage (although young and creepy too) and I was reminded of the two grossest things about him: (1) that time he wore that weird blank tank top and (2) how he had a baby with a friend for fun. However, I thought it was lame for Dan (I mean, WHO??) to go at Ben about how he ran into the baby’s mom in Vegas (really, you ran into her?) and Ben is a deadbeat dad and didn’t want custody or shouldn’t have it etc. Very off topic and the guy is no longer in the running for Des, so doubly inappropriate.
- James’ teeth are too fake for me. He does come off sweet and genuine when he wants though. Usually the rats on this show are more obvious but he’s a hard one to crack. I think he probably really did like Des.
- Kasey has GOT to LET IT GO about the conversation he overheard between James and Mikey. Enough already. Is Kasey a #prosecutor also?
- Are there lots of tall, hot girls on boats in Chicago?
- Zak the Fluid Renaissance Guy: teeth too white, shin too tan, sings and plays guitar decently well, lying about being 31, funny, good abs, almost became a priest, spends half a year on an oil rig (cray), wrote an invisible poem, I actually like the guy.
Des wears a sparkly dress. Sigh to the Sigh. I immediately take note of the fact that she gets to do her time on stage and then leave without ever being asked the usually question about whether she has found love. There is either some great editing or shit gets real and ugly next two weeks.
Bloopers: I could not have laughed harder watching that Bryden and Des date when every light exploded and fell.
Previews: THERE WILL BE AN ENDING WE DON’T SEE COMING AND CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND OUR CONTROL AND MAJOR INTENSE INTENSITY INTENSENESS.
See you there, cyber-friends.