Hometowns! Never dull, always awesome. The dates are always in order of who the person likes the least to who s/he likes the best. Every. Single. Time. So although I saw it coming, I felt bad for #1 and #2…
Zak in Dallas
I HEART MAJORLY Des’s stripey tee and aqua/turquoise cropped leather jacket.
Their initial embrace was like siblings, not like lust-heavy after an absence. His dream about melting into the sand, and then ice crystals, and then something… what? Doesn’t it suck when people recount their dreams to you? I can’t even feign interest. But it’s a lead-in to:
His family has a sno-cone business. So they ride in the truck, feed sno-cones to little kids, and Zak runs around in a penguin costume.
Cute, upper middle class, energetic, bouncy, attractive, Texas family. I feel like his family is better looking than Des. Mean? And OMG, of course Zak’s mom has a better body than me. That always happens. And ok, his sister is pretty but I feel like the hair extensions were not necessary. But it’s Texas, amirite?
Zak and his mom sorta look the same age. This hometown really makes me like Zak. Not that I ever didn’t like him, but he’s been a bit of a sleeper hit this season.
The family has its own band and they play a song for Des. I can’t tell if her tears are happy or sad because she knows she’s going to break his heart. He gives her A RING, KISSES HER, AND SAYS I LOVE YOU. Zak brought his big guns out in Texas. Ay caramba is he screwed.
Gay Drew in Scottsdale
Des runs to him and is already a million times more physically excited than she was with Zak.
I feel for Drew: this will be the first time his dad is ever in his mom’s house since their divorce. Reality tv brings people together!
First they go to the group home where Drew’s mentally disabled sister, Melissa, lives. It’s really touching and beautiful. I can’t be snarky about it. In the least. Except that Drew just drove without a seatbelt.
The family sits for a gorgeous al fresco meal. No mention of where they have locked Melissa away.
Drew opens up to his mom about Des as his soul-mate. Des describes his eyes to Drew’s dad. Drew’s dad tells Des she has met a angel because she met Melissa. Which is heartbreakingly beautiful. Even though they excluded her from dinner. Overall, Drew’s parents are very warm and welcoming of Des and supportive of Drew.
Des: “I want to join Drew’s family right now. I want to stay.” Whoa. Lots more embracing than with Zak. With Zak she was trying to get into the getaway vehicle while he was still talking. But back to Drew:
He says “I love you.” They have a kissy, handsy goodbye.
Chris in Oregon
Chris takes Des to the youth field where he started his career leading to professional baseball. Oh, Chris looks cute in a baseball tee! After some home runs, Des shows Chris a book of drawings she made him chronicling their relationship so far. Um, she stole that idea from Zak. #burnedyo
I love that the family serves spaghetti! Chris’s dad, George, gives Des a chiropractic treatment in his home office. I would be like: I want to finish my spaghetti! And Oh Em Gee, Chris’s dad then gives him NOSE ADJUSTMENT. And I have to look up Chris’s nasal passages and see his snot. Also, the whole family bashes Chris’s ex to him. Mom seems like a tough cookie, so when she delivers the good news that Chris has her blessing to welcome Des into the family, it’s more meaningful than a lot of these family visits. Oh lord, I feel like if Des doesn’t pick Chris she will break his entire family’s hearts!
Lots of getaway car smooching. Should I mention poor Zak again?
Brooks in SLC
The opening shot in the montage is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints temple so I guess the Mormon question has been answered? They hang out in a park and Des relives their brief courtship through notes she jotted down on the airplane. Then they go on a canoe.
They go meet Brooks’s ginormous family, all wearing nametags. During the mini chats, it’s clear everyone in Brooks’s family is very deep and tender and thoughtful kind. Mormons!
I like that Brooks and his mom tell each other they are each one’s “favorite.” I hope that goes down well with the 13 other siblings!
The Des Brother Segment Which is a Horrible Waste of Time and An Obvious Producer Misstep
In the media, Des has basically admitted she is not close to her brother at all. So this is just dumb. Yeah, her brother was an a-hole to Sean, but it’s not exciting anymore. It looks she would rather be at the dentist than recount her feelings about the remaining guys to her brother, and yet that’s precisely what Des does. I like how he’s worried she’ll “get her heart broken again”, when he was the direct cause of said heartbreak.
Des’s dress has sparkles, but it’s pretty! Because there’s just a few, and they are placed modernly. Look who has been stepping up her style game lately. Also, and this is just a very minor thing- um, well, how do I say this, uh,
DES SAYS SHE WANTS A PROPOSAL FROM BROOKS.
(Oh wait, side note: if she knows she wants a proposal from Brooks, I actually think it’s rude for Des to let anyone continue on further/farther.)
Des always gives roses in order of her faves, like reverse-order of hometown dates. She is like a manipulative producer’s worst nightmare.
Oh poor Zak the Fluid Guy! He never really had a chance. And after his family performed that song! Des twists the knife by giving the promise ring back.
Men Tell All next week. Who cares. Boring. Whatever. Des already told us who she wants. And then in two weeks Des has overnights with the three remaining guys. It looks a bit steamy (ahem, Des and Chris making out on the beach in the rushing waves), which confuses me because I do not see how she could end up with a good Mormon after he witnesses that.
I don’t even re-read or proof this post. That’s how much I care about Des’s well-being.