Barcelona! Been there! Amaze! These yahoos will surely ruin my happy memories.
Des: “This city is the perfect place to fall in love.” No one on this show never doesn’t say that. Triple negative! I win!
When the men toast to Barcelona, why does James say it in Spanish, and not Juan Pablo?
Chris Harrison gives some intense advice to the men: “Use your time wisely blah blah no cocktail party.”
Let’s Build the Foundation for Love date with Drew
Drew is definitely gay, right? Like, definitely.
He’s cute. (Because he’s gay.)
His hair is adorbs slicked and side-parted. (Because he’s gay.)
His clothes are nicely tailored to his physique. (Because he’s gay.)
They go for tapas. It would have been funnier if they went for falafel.
I understand Drew’s point generally but he probably shouldn’t have said it in this order: “He’s my hero. I look at my dad and see the man I want to be. He’s a recovered alcoholic.”
Drew cries. (Because he’s gay.)
Also from Drew: “I don’t think many people know [my dad] has cancer.” Truth. Only the millions of people watching tonight.
Drew and Des happen upon some street performers. Then they go into a secluded courtyard set for dinner for two. But Drew – oh bless Drew – steals Des away in an ACTUAL UNSCRIPTED MOVE and does that hardcore-kissing-up-against-a-wall thing that we all love and covet. Her face was priceless and the delay in acting by the production team. Maybe Drew is not gay? Date rose to Drew. He then takes this romantic moment to reveal the conversation he overheard between James and Mikey: Something about how being in the Top Four could propel James to being a future Bachelor.
Looooooove group date
The group heads to a futbol stadium. Of course Juan Pablo is dominating during practice. Des’s team is made up of professional female soccer players from Spain. It’s actually depressing to me the guys are able to score at all.
Brooks the Apparent Misogynist upon learning he only has to go against silly girls: “Listen Girl Scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies.”
Luckily James is a HORrible goalkeeper. Girl Scouts win.
At the After Party, shit’s going doooown. First, Des grabs Chris. It’s sort of clear he’s her fave. She’s just so open and silly and comfortable around him. And then she reads him a poem she wrote. Hmmm. I guess he wins the whole thing. Otherwise, this is pretty effed. But then she seems so in to Brooks too and they have a nice vibe together.
Meanwhile, all the ladies in waiting want to out James again. Kasey, Chris, and Michael confront him. I like how James tries to turn the tables on the Prosecutor by dropping terms like hearsay and reminding Michael he was an argumentative c*ck during his 2-on-1 with creepy Ben. James flips out and storms out. Kasey then makes the tactical error of running to Des to tell her about this SERIOUS business. Thus cementing his Ty Pennington-lookalike/soundalike status in Friend Zone.
Des is so mad she dismisses everyone but James.
IS THE KOREAN RAPPER PSY SHILLING FOR PISTACHIOS NOW?!
James’ defense is to throw Mikey under the bus. It’s crafty since Mikey is no longer there to defend himself. He cries and waffles around but it’s not convincing. One look at the guy, and you know all the accusations are true. He wants nothing more than to hunt p*ssy in the Chi and go on the next Bachelor Pad.
A Date with the Fluid Drilling Engineer
Even though Zak is in his 50s, he’s funny and upbeat and lively and as I recall from the words of Miss Thang herself, he’s a good kisser. But does he look like he’s wearing self-tanner?
The sketch a male model, hilariously sketch each other, and then have to sketch a nude male model. In the midst of sketching an apple, Zak decides to pose. Of course he does. He LOVES showing off his body. But he did do it in a funny and apropos way, so kudos for that.
At dinner after, why is Des wearing like a business casual outfit? It’s like this really boring striped thing a la Ann Taylor Loft or something. Not fitting for a girl who usually likes sequins and also for a date in an underground wine cave. It’s funny when Des asks how long Zak’s parents have been married and he’s like “30, 31, 32 years or something.” Like he’s quickly scanning for what a believable age for him would be.
Des doesn’t have the same touchy feely chemical reactions and body language when she’s around Zak. But his smooches win her over and he gets a date rose. They make out in one of the cavern’s hallway. I think Fluid Guy is winning me over too.
Back at the hotel, James confronts Drew and they get yelly.
The next morning, Des borrows James for a spell on some pretty Spanish stairs. It seems like Des is getting it, and frankly James is not even denying his comments. But his “charm” buys him some more time. He then totally goes off the deep-end and decides to go back to the angry mob-filled room and reiterates all his steadfast beliefs about living the good life once (not if, but once) he gets cut from the show, and potentially being the next Bachelor.
James breaks the mold by pairing white trousers with his dark jacket. Des’s make-up is Not Good. Remaining roses to:
Kasey, Juan Pablo, and James get the boot.
I will miss looking at Juan Pablo. He breaks down when he says “It’s very hard to date when you have a daughter.” And it chokes me up. Although I can’t believe it’s true! Kasey was Friend Zone. James is James.
They all head to the island of Madeira off Portugal. Drew says or does something to break Des’s heart (it turns out he is the only reason she continued??) which may be that he comes out of the closet – I have no idea. And then every single person at one point or another is crying and miserable-looking. I have to say, this 3 minute preview really amped things up. I am now totally hooked on the season and want to know who makes it to the end. Didn’t see that coming!
Btw, I do NOT feel like this episode even remotely showed the best of Barcelona. What about Gaudi? What about the beach? What about the lispy language?