bachelorette des episode 5: some stuff happens

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Baywatchy.

Drama tonight.

Munich, Germany. The men roll up from some public transportation which has been emptied of other humans. Ben says he has never crossed the ocean to travel. Boo. Wait, it’s Des’s first time in Europe? Double boo.

Des says a German word. Then Chris Harrison welcomes the guys with a German phrase. I say to all that: NEIN.

In Germany We Can Fall In Love date with Chris

Chris says he’s “jacked” for this date. I’m not. I know it’s a budgetary / crowd-control thing but I am pretty over traveling around the world during the world’s off-season. Munich in the cold does not see romantic or fun to me. And it’s all about ME.

Back at the ranch, Bryden is talking smack again about leaving. Why did he waste her rose the other night then?

Back on the date, there are some contrived segments of Des and Chris trying to speak in German and get around. Problematic for two reasons: (1) Everyone in Germany speaks English (and 12 other languages); and (2) There is a production crew of 12 people tailing them and readily available to assist. Now there’s a contrived segment where Des and Chris are dancing to a little street band. No one else in the public is dancing. Everyone else is like 20 yards back filming the film crew. Then the staged scene ups its faux reality ante when Bryden, who has broken away from the meat pack back at the hotel, finds the couple dancing in the square by asking lots of Germans on the street if they have “seen a television crew anywhere”.

God I hate this show. And I hate myself for watching. I’m going to make microwave popcorn. I stress eat when I’m sad.

Bryden tells Des he is planning on leaving. It’s pretty not chivalrous of Bryden to do this while interrupting Des and Chris’s date. And what’s Bryden’s deal? I feel like he’s doing this to preemptively save face… which is weird because I think he was a frontrunner. W, Bryden, W.

You know what makes Des’s ugly cry uglier? Her bad make-up.

There is an Applebee’s commercial on right now. Applebee’s is gross, right?

Dinnertime now. Oh shocker, Des is wearing a sparkly dress. Also, the fact that they’re in a big, abandoned, cavernous, candle-ridden room is so ho hum I want to poke my eyes out. Their dinner conversation is as exciting as everything else this season. Until the moment when Des actually totally opens up about how her ex sucked and she did all the work and she was the only one fighting and Chris just mumbles “uh huh” and “yeah” over and over. I wait with bated breath to see just how Chris will leverage this honest and vulnerable moment from Des and he does not disappoint. He makes zero acknowledgement of what she shared and just immediately says “Yeah. So I have something for you. I wrote something for you.” So I don’t care if it’s poetry, a song, or really insightful stock market tips, Chris blew that moment IMHO. If I were Des I would be like, Wait did you just hear anything I said? Can you confirm if you were listening? It’s such a pet peeve of mine, I actually rewound three times to watch Chris be so distracted by himself.

It’s a lame poem. Because all poems are lame. Des gets teary but I think it’s because she’s still sad Chris wasn’t being a good listener. Kissing and the rose speech and the rose. And of course: a private concert.

This show needs to end. The world needs new blood. Oh god, I’m old. I need to switch to Love and Hip Hop.

Will You Climb The Highest Mountain For Me group date

The peeps go to frolic in the snow near Germany’s highest peak. They take a gondola lift thing and it really is hella beautiful.

They get to the top and a man is yodeling. So each of the guys tries is out. Des: “I love that each of these guys is open to trying new things.” Because they have a choice. Then they all get on sleds. Zak the Fluid Guy makes a sledding/love analogy. That’s the only time I look up from texting.

They go to some ice cave igloo thing to hang out. Cutey Brooks gets some alone time and he’s cute and funny and nice as ever and the two of them have a crazy, jerky, kissy kiss. Mikey’s turn: I keep going back and forth on this guy. I hate his strip tease but I think it’s cute to make a snowman family. Fluid Zak interrupts them by yodeling for her attention. Zak made a huge life decision in Germany ten years ago. On his soul-searching mission to Europe, he climbed a mountain in Germany and decided not to be a priest.

Drew is telling the camera James is a player. And Brooks is not cool with them hanging out. Now that Ben isn’t in the group, everyone is focusing on James as a fraud. Brooks wants to interrupt them but doesn’t, and he ends up getting the rose!

Let’s Heat Things Up 2 on 1

Conveniently producers put Ben and Michael G together on the sudden death date. Michael smack talks him and Ben overhears and the limo ride is Awk Ward.

The date is in Tegernsee.

Michael wins on hair. And speaking German. And bringing up the house BS first. And asking Ben why he has a son with a friend! Ben still really doesn’t answer and I am disturbed to hear that Ben has not spoken to his son since filming started “because of the time difference”. Delete. Unsubscribe. Boot this guy.

Polar bear plunge. SIKE. They are going in a hot tug (a hot tub that you can sit in the middle of a freezing lake), which I agree with Des is the best invention EVER

Michael spends his time in the hot tug trying to provoke Ben, who tries to hold his tongue and Be A Good Christian.

The guys back at the hotel share a conversation Mikey had with James where he was saying is he ends up in Top 4 his life in Chicago will be made and he will be able to take mad honeys out in boats and have fun on said boats. Is anyone surprised? James is too pretty to be in to Des. No offense to Des and her yesteryear make-up.

Let’s get back to the super fun date of Michael wanting to confront Ben on his character even though it’s clear it’s making Des very uncomfortable and even though it’s clear Ben isn’t going to take the bait. Des has to give Michael the smackdown. Not that he takes it!! Michael may be a good prosecutor but he’s blowing it right now. The jury of ME is pretty shocked at Michael. He still gets the rose though! I guess the thing that has seemed so icky about Ben all along finally revealed itself to Des. The guys in the hotel cheer when they see Ben’s suitcase roll out.

Ben in the limo: “You all our missing out on the next Bachelor… single dad from Texas. Hi Hollywood! How long do I have to wait before I can be seen in public with somebody, because I don’t want to wait?”

Rose Ceremony

When pushed by Chris Harrison, Des said she would want to kiss Brooks right now because their emotional relationship is ahead of the others. She said she’s want to kiss Zak the Fluid guy cause he’s a good kisser. Big props to the 50 year-old contestant!

It would be nice to get more from Kasey and Drew than just peanut gallery comments about Guys Who Are Here For the Wrong Reasons.

Des decides to forego the rose ceremony. She announces is and James yells “You look beautiful?” Ladies of Chicago, look out!

Roses aside from Chris, Brooks, and Michael:

Zak Fluid
Kasey
Juan Pablo
Drew
James (or as a Drew refers to him, a Cancer)

Anyway, buh bye Mikey.

Next Week

Barcelona! I LOVE BARCELONA. Okay, maybe I will keep watching this season.

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7 Comments

Filed under bachelorette episode recap

7 responses to “bachelorette des episode 5: some stuff happens

  1. Elizabeth

    Ignore my fat fingers. I interrupted my vacation to watch this. The wine and the amazing food may be responsible for any typing errors.

    I would have let Michael and Ben go. Can you imagine Michael at a party when everyone had had a couple of drinks. He’d be the jerk who didn’t know how to graciously agree to disagree.

    • yael

      A true fan watches even from paradise. I salute you, comrade.

      I agree. And I am sure Des feels the same. But it’s one of those things where she only has to cut one person this week so might as well keep Michael around for one more week over Mikey. I mean, well, you know. For one week it’s probably the right decision!

  2. Bach Fan

    I liked her date with Chris (I mean besides the walking around the city doing dumb stuff part). I think they have a good vibe together. I think this show could benefit from leaving out the group dates and focus more on the one on one connections. I hate competitions and movie promotion dates. Michael was a little scary on the 2 on 1 date. I think he’s cute but he did himself no favors on that date. We didn’t get enough Juan Pablo time on this episode! I also like Drew. I think Brooks is kind of feminine – not my type but I guess Des likes him. The only way I can watch this season is while drinking wine, lots of wine.

    • yael

      Agree. It would be nice to see the one on one highlights with all the guys instead of spending so much airtime on drama that always proves to be irrelevant in the end. It’s like the producers still don’t get why most of us have been watching all these years.

      Yes, why so little Juan Pablo?!!!

  3. deix

    wait, did anyone else notice how much des had to drink on her chris date? i was getting really worried that she was going to start slurring her words/ fall off her chair when she was asking him questions at dinner. also, chris totes reminded me of steve carell when he was talking to the camera as bryden was crushing their love. yes?

    • yael

      She was drunk- totes agree! Wait, Steve Carrell … now I feel like I have to find a way to watch the epi again!

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