Again, I forgot the show was even on tonight until my friend Kate texted me mid-viewing. You guys, this isn’t like me. I have been waiting 5 years to watch it “live” and I squander. I squander!
Rappelling, horses, costumes, the word “amazing”… I hate the episode already and it’s only 10 seconds into the previews.
Chris Harrison is not wearing pajamas this week; he is wearing an awesome tartan plaid shirt. Oh I said tartan you bet I did.
Love is a Battlefield group date
I love Michael G the diabetic prosecutor because he dislikes Ben in a hilarious way, not a pathetic one. Oh wait, in his little camera chats he is wearing a weird, gross navy muscle tank with skinny straps. Eeewww.
The guys are STOKED to learn they are going to be playing dodgeball against one another, and being trained by the National Dodgeball Something or Other. This is kind of an awesome idea. The guys will compete in a winner-takes-all match in a caged area of a mall green.
I usually don’t like beefy muscle arms and tats but Mikey the Eyetalian is kinda majorly cute, no? Really, I am totally enjoying this group date so far because um, they all look really hunky to me. And the having to destroy someone by pummeling them with a ball is kind of hot too. What has gotten into me?! I usually do not like muscle men at all. It’s just that I guess if there’s going to be a lot of that going around, you might as well have them play dodgeball.
(But I stand by my perfect man body from Bachelors past to be Frank and Jef. Emo bodies, you know?)
Brooks breaks his finger and he gets whisked away by EMT. Sympathy rose later in the night maybe?
Zack K wins it for the blue team and all the guys do one of those cute homoerotic group tackles. Oh wait- Lame: Des decides to take everyone to the after party. This is becoming a pattern so note to everyone: when I get chosen for a future season of this show, I am so not going to try hard during the group date competition.
Brad session – he has something to reveal from his past. I actually don’t even remember this guy from the past two episodes. Brad has a 3 year-old son, Maddox. And he lives with him full time. MY EYES JUST BUGGED OUT OF MY HEAD. Full custody? Wow. Brad is really cute and genuine and I appreciate that he waited to tell Des until he felt they had somewhat of a connection. It’s too intense Night 1 when everyone is dropping skeleton bombs left and right.
Pause, you guys. No for real- I just paused my tv. I have a question for everyone: Am I cray-zee or once upon a time did people actually party at these After Parties?? I seem to remember that back in the day people drank, talked, went in the pool/hot tub, mingled, moved around, split off into small groups, ate, danced, whatever. Right? And then it was actually like a party where the goal was to make sure the main person liked you the best. They have truly devolved into essentially an attractive waiting room outside a job interview. Everyone sits, fairly motionless, fairly stone-faced, and waits to be “called”. You guys, if I was the Bachelorette (Stretch Marks edition), I would be so bummed out that it was so quiet and people were like actually physically in line. You know what would be really fun? Seriously? To watch a really old season. Like Andrew Firestone just to see how it used to be, or like Charlie O’Connell, just to remember it used to be fun. And all the Totally 90s and Aughts hairstyles! Trista’s bangs! Now I know what I’m asking for for Hanukkah this year!
Chris session – takes Des up to the helicopter pad on top of the building. I like Chris. When the two of them talk, it’s really normal. But then he has to blow it with me and say “I think I’ll get the rose.”
Brooks session – he returns and it’s kind of fun he’s still wearing his dodgeball uniform. They have a weird conversation where they keep repeating they missed each other, but Des tells us they have a really natural chemistry and they don’t have to try hard in conversing. I do like Brooks.
Well, Chris was right about getting the rose. I just don’t think he had to make a point of predicting it. The couple goes off for a “private” (all the guys are within earshot) concert by someone who looks like a Hillary Swank/Hillary Duff mash-up to me at first. Des and Chris dance and french in front of everyone.
Wow, look at Chris taking a major lead.
Love Defies Gravity date with Kasey… jk!
Des is journaling wearing way too much make-up. I never like Des’ make-up. I can’t put my finger on it.
Des’ phone rings and we can hear Chris Harrison through the phone (it’s mic’d) so it’s all set up but Des does a decent job pretending to be surprised by the call. She books it down the road in her turquoise/aqua convertible.
Kasey is pumped for the date but first Des has to pull Brian out and confront him about having a girlfriend. He’s rocking a hot pink shirt, and Des references the group rap video “Here for the Right Reasons”, all Brian, how could betray me when I very clearly explained my intentions in a rap video we produced last week? Awesome.
Stephanie, supposedly Brian’s girlfriend, walks in. Hmm. Producers are loving this ambush set-up. But I don’t know… it’s happened in the past but the person just gets the boot instead of dragging out the public humiliation (Casey Shteamer for example). Something about this is irking me. Maybe it’s because you can’t thoroughly vet someone who calls you up and claims to be currently dating one of the Bachelor/ettes. You have to just take their word for it and then humiliate the other person on national tv. Why would this stranger Stephanie get so much airtime? Did you know she was a Playboy Bunny something-or-other in 2006?
This was on Twitter too:
@NatalieGetz I’m scared of Stephanie. That’s all I’ll say. Honestly scared to say more, but I have stories that would make your head spin! Out of respect for her son, I will keep my mouth shut. I feel so sorry for Brian. If you knew what I knew, you would to.
The long and short of it according to Stephanie at least is that Brian and Stephanie were dating and she tried to break up with him but he said he was going to take time to better himself and conveniently left out that one day later he would be going to tape this show. Worse, Stephanie has a son Donovan and Brian was his role model. In the conversation Brian calls her “babe”! Also, once Stephanie threw rocks at him.
Stephanie for Bachelorette!
Brian and Paulie the bouncer in his flat cap for Bachelor Pad!
Ok, enough. We get the point. Producers think this merits the bulk of the airtime. They always get it wrong on what the viewers want. WE WANT MAKE-OUTS AND BLOOPERS, not ambushes.
Meanwhile, Ben is wearing his gay raver muscle tank top again. Can someone (Faye) research whether it goes in their swag bags?
Brandon projects all the men who betrayed him when they were dating his mom onto Brian. He sobs a lot because of Brian’s betrayal. Yowzas. Brandon’s intense. There’s an intense girl out there for Brandon. It’s just definitely not Des.
Love Defies Gravity date with Kasey
Kasey is a gentleman but understandably he is worried Des’ mind is elsewhere. The two of them have to rappel dance (Bandaloop) down Andaz in LA. They don’t really love the activity and kind of bail.
Dinnertime is on top of the same building. A crazy windstorm starts up. So they get in the pool. That’s actually smart. But it’s freezing. (Question: could people survive a tornado if they’re in a pool?) Kasey smooched Des while she was freezing in the pool. That’s not romantic at all. But he is sweet and so on the inner stairwell of the hotel, Des gives him the date rose. She called it “the weirdest date ever.” Ay yi yi.
Who Will be the LONE Man Standing group date
Zak W the fluid guy looks older than 31 to me.
The guys leave the house and see horses and a stagecoach. They get taken to a set of an Old Western. The stunt team for new The Lone Ranger (Disney cross-promotion) is there to train the guys. They’re dressed as cowboys and they learn how to lasso, quick-draw a pistol, and fake fight for justice.The challenge is all the guys saddle up and “save the lady” and whomever is deemed The Lone Ranger gets some special alone time with Desiree. Juan Pablo speaks Spanish the whole time. Yuck. But she picks him. Yes, he’s hot but what a waste of time. Any semi-famous person on this show is not looking for marriage.
They go to a movie theatre set up in the barn to actually watch the new Disney release. They actually eat popcorn, so that’s at least cool. Someone is eating! And it’s not quinoa!
Then all the group daters hang out by a campfire by the ranch. Wait, Bryden changed the direction of his hair from straight down to due left! Thank you, stylist. Des helps Bryden who “doesn’t know when to make the move” kiss her.
Des has time with all the guys. She definitely seems drunk to me because she’s really happy and really giggly with everyone. I would worry that I would get too drunk too. James is missing talking to his dad back home who has pancreatic cancer, so he wants to know it’s worth it and Des at least sees something with him. Baited, she goes to get him the rose. He offers her a daisy. It’s a pretty damn cute moment and it makes me like James a lot. He was acting a little intensola for me, but this seems to lighten him.
The next day Chris Harrison shows up again, off script, to tell the guys that the cocktail party is cancelled and instead there will be an afternoon pool party. That’s a better more fun idea. Pool parties are what this show is about!
But Ben sneaks Des off in her convertible first and they do a little smoochy smoochy and all the guys can see. Which is weird because Ben’s tank top should not have been a turn-on to any female.
The guys get super cross when Ben blatantly lies when asked whether he had any alone time with Des. Mikey and Michael G can’t help themselves, they want another confrontation with Ben. These dudes are like ladies!
But can we talk about Brandon? So, he totally reminds me of Kasey Kahl from Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad history. Too much, too soon, too intense. Brandon actually says to Des “every time we’re together it’s the best days of my life (really? well, your life sucked so maybe) but the Brian thing really did suck.” All the while Des was in the middle of her super fun pool party where she just wanted to chill and have a good time with everyone and of course he takes her out of the water. Brandon wouldn’t know a good time if it dated his mom and actually stuck around. He goes on to explain that he felt like all his mom’s boyfriends abandoned him when they broke up with his mom and so he wants Des to know he will never hurt her like that (not a totally apt segue since Des isn’t a child of divorce and Brandon’s not dating her mom). He then tells her “I’m falling in love with you, even though we barely talk, and I think about you all day long.” Brandon then says he has a “secret” and goes in for definitely one of the Top Five least invited least wanted most awkward kisses in this show’s reign on Earth. But, like all unhinged hotties, Brandon has no clue. He is on cloud 9 because he admitted his love and they kissed. Side note: he has an upper back tattoo. I bet it says GUARD AND PROTECT YOUNG BRANDON’S HEART.
Wait, why does Des have paper and pen in her hand while that is happening?
I shouldn’t, but I rewind. Brandon and Jamie from Ben Flajnik’s season/Bachelor Pad should get together. So easy on the eyes, so painful on the soul, so bad at maneuvering a kiss.
Pause. I HAVE A NEW SHOW IDEA! Someone is a matchmaker and based on clips from past shows and personality assessments, past contestants get set up on dates and it gets filmed. I need to move to LA and pitch this.
Des’ dress confirms for me that she is a pretty bad dresser in terms of the history of Bachelorettes. Maybe Posessionista begs to differ, or people more fashionable than me, but I feel like everything is yuck – from her sheer peach sleeveless button-down shirt to her love of sequins. Emily and Ashley had nailed it so often so this is a bummer, especially given Des is a dress designer. Remaining roses to:
Drew – who?
Look at Brandon’s face. He is FLABBERGASTED. That’s the look of delusion. Des runs after him to be nice and apologize. Brandon: “Once again, someone left me.” I like his pinstripe suit a lot. I hope he can tone down his intensity and sob stories for the next girl.
Dan – mentions Des is being duped by Ben
Everyone hates Ben. He looks like a dead ringer for someone famous. Some babyfaced soap opera-y actor. It’s going to bother me. Help a girl out.