You know how exciting this episode/season is? I was reading Game of Thrones recaps during the entire episode. I mean, holy shat, did you see Game of Thrones Sunday night?! Now that’s good tv.
Opening scene: The fellas check out their bachelor pad. Chris Harrison explains the way the show works. He is also wearing a shirt (I guess from his own collection) that 100% looks like pajamas. Pyjamas if you’re British. Tee hee.
I’m Waiting for a Sign date with Brooks
I forgot Des had the chin she has. Brooks, 28, is a marketing consultant from Salt Lake City. Cute dimple. Is he Mormon?
(Ben pronounces “genuine” like the rapper’s name, Ginuwine.)
Des wants to show her “desire and passion for designing wedding dresses”. So Des and Brooks dress up like they’re getting married and it’s totes totes cute when Brooks swoops her into his arms and places her back in her turquoise/aqua Bentley. They head up to the Hollywood sign to celebrate the 90th anniversary of the sign. The sign is a representation of pursuing passion or something deep and important. I missed something but maybe Brooks proposed to his last girlfriend. Or something. So they kiss. I’m pretty good at recapping amirite?
Then they’re driving at night, supposedly lost, and they move some street barricades. They happen upon a bridge closed down for their romantic dinner date. Des talks about how her parents have been married 40 years and they personify what she wants. She turns the question around and Brooks gets candid and emotional about his parents’ divorce and the time he and his dad were rocky. Still are. He mentions more than once how saying those things was hard and you take a chance when you reveal that stuff in the beginning. It came out really genuine/ginuwine, as opposed to a flirtation device like a lot of people use their baggage on this show.
I’m not sure how they dance together. Wait, I am sure. It’s pretty awkward but they look happy. I don’t even care who this band is giving them a private concert in the street because I am still thinking about Game of Thrones. WTF?!
Who’s Here For the Right Reasons group date
Malibu Rocky Oaks Winery with a bunch of dudes and Des. Sports cars. Cause they’re starring in a rap video, yo!
Soulja Boi is the mentor for this. Soulja Boy must be hurting for cash money. Then all the white guys have to rap in front of Soulja Boy and Des. Poor Will. Dancing is his “Kryptonite”. The costumes and rap lyrics are all corresponding riffs on past Bachelors and Bachelorettes. That is a GREAT idea! Seriously. It’s so rare but once every like 4 or 5 seasons, the date or challenge is really clever.
Ben, dressed as a cowboy and making fun of Wes, gets the first scene with Des and the guys can’t handle it. Justin Rated R Rego gets made fun of, Jason Mesnick (but I hearted him!), Kasey Kahl I think… Des sucks at rapping but her body is bedonkadonkadonk. I know the Bachelorettes’ bodies are all hot but it’s worth mentioning every time. Des has it going on for daysssss.
Zak, drilling fluid engineer (am I the only one that gets skeeved by the word ‘fluid’ in big font on the screen? I feel like he’s in a porno or something), who bared his abs before trying to make fun of Sean, bought Des a blank antique journal with an inscription in it from a father to his daughter about writing from her heart. So I like that he is showing a way more interesting side than the fruits of his gym time, but I am confused. Why a journal with an inscription from a father to a daughter? This porno is getting weird, fluid man. But Des likes it. I think. Maybe she’s a good actress.
Brandon the creepy, staring painting contractor: “Love is like a butterfly. It flies away or you squish it to death.” (I paraphrase.)
Ben interrupts Mikey T talking about his Eye-talian famiglia and grandma because he wants some alone time. So Des and Ben snuggle under a blanket and they talk about wee Brady. Ben asks Des for a kiss, which I always think is gross. This is not freshman year at Oberlin.
Michael G the Florida federal prosecutor gets some time with Des. He’s super cute and he’s a lawyer (and we all know how awesome lawyers are) so I hope he sticks around.
Mikey T still feels unsettled with Ben though for interrupting his time before with Des. Um, that’s kind of what happens on this show. The boys’ conversation goes pleasantly though, which is NOT how ABC had portrayed it in the previews with some sheisty editing.
Brandon keeps lurking around and finally gets some time. He thinks Des is an angel. He tells his sob story of a life about his deadbeat dad and moving around all the time and drug addict mom and then he how had to raise his siblings, but it was no big deal because, you know, that’s what awesome dudes do. It’s a terrible story, seriously. But again it’s how people on this show use their bad stuff and he just kind of bombarded Des with it and starts crying and never even let her initiate conversation or have it come out organically. He’s telling her because he thinks it makes him have game. And also because he’s a stare-y creeper.
Group date rose goes to Ben! Because he “used his time with [Des] wisely.”
Road Trip! date with Bryden
Btw, Des says: “Yesterday’s group date was the best time of my life.” Um?
Bryden the Iraqui war vet says “amazing” a bunch of times and then he and Des take off in her convertible. He’s a Montana boy who has never been to California so Des is “stoked” to show it to him. They make stops including the beach, a picnic in a vineyard, and then ends at a spa in Ojai.
At dinner Des says she hasn’t laughed that hard in forever.
Doesn’t Bryden look like what’s-his-name on Glee? The guy who in real life is Canadian and went to rehab and dates Lea Michele who used to be on Broadway and has veneers. You know who I mean? Anyway, he and Bryden have the same peculiar teeth. And yes, we all agree Bryden needs some stylist help on his hair.
Bryden’s telling Des about a crazy car accident he got in, but then it’s weird because he pulls out pictures of it. Why is he carrying those around? Then he stammers around a bit when she asks him what he’s looking for in all this romantic/life partner stuff. He definitely seems 26 to me (not a compliment) but Des thinks he’s ready for marriage and gives him a rose and they hang in the hot tub. Bryden keeps talking about how fun the day was and keeps repeating himself instead of kissing her. Des has to say “just kiss me already.” That’s embarrassing for Bryden, but I will give him credit for getting super handsy and armsy right away.
Michael G the Florida federal prosecutor has to divulge a few things to Des – like that’s a Type-I diabetic. I disagree he has to tell her this early (I mean, just see if someone likes you first. I think it’s different from admitting you have a child or something like that), but I will give him credit for not over or under-doing the story. I was actually interested in how it all played out when he was young and wanted to hear what was coming next, but then here comes Ben and he’s all:
I’m really happy for your diabetes, Imma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time! Plus, my son is the one with the good looks!
I liked Ben but he is losing me swiftly. Get it, SWIFTly?!!
This is where I miss Emily. I feel like she would have asked Ben to wait because it’s more gracious to let Michael G finish a serious story, and Ben already had a rose. Des handled the situation very poorly. The guys are hating. Ben loses me once and for all with his weird lines about secret kisses to Des. Oh and the kid he had with his best friend just for fun.
But the guys take it a little far and definitely drag out the whining. It’s okay for someone with a rose to talk to someone they’re hoping to marry. The problem is simply that Ben should have just waited until Michael G was finished talking about the time he almost died as a teenager.
Brian takes Des for a chat. His forehead is too shiny and he kind of squints one eye and enlarges the other like a pirate.
Ben, Brooks, and Bryden have roses. All Bs. WHAT DOES IT MEAN??
I’ve never cared less about a rose ceremony. I am not even writing the names down, but I do know these guys at least get a rose: Juan Pablo gets asked in Spanish and the diabetic gets one oh and Creepy Eyes McGee (aka Brandon) too.
Will the yoga-loving banker was friend zoned.
Robert is surprised. And this is a nightmare. He has a short trip home though.
Nick M is shocked and feels pretty rejected.
Ben wears one of those goofy black tanks like Ryan wore on Emily’s season, and has huge muscles but a weird baby face and sneaks more kissing with Des and all the guys hate him and remember, he had a baby with a good friend for funsies!
Someone has a pretty girlfriend who returns to call him out.
The Right Reasons Rap Video
If you go to ABC.com, “you can see the complete video.”
I was hoping.