Whoa, I didn’t even realize the show was back on the air! Ironic since for the first time in a long time I am living in the right time zone for this (funny) business. I know I proclaim this every season, but was Sean maybe the death knell for the franchise? Too earnest, too vanilla, too quick to jump straight to Dancing With The Stars. Remember ages ago when normal people went on The Bachelor just to find love and then go live somewhere normal like Colorado and start a family? I’m looking at you firefighter Ryan with your stuffed orca gift.
I am willing to watch this season because (A) Desiree is interesting enough, and (B) can you imagine me not watching a season? ROTFL.
Preview of upcoming season
Tears and drama.
Des pulls up to her mansion in her janky old car. As soon as I see her normal used car and her getting out and locking up with her keys, I know the producers are setting me up for something. It turns out, Des grew up in a humble way (proof: she drives her own car!). Also, her parents have been married 35 years and don’t need much to be happy but one another. Des is a crier.
A Sean recap ensues. For some reason, this look-back package omits the best part of him and Des which is the part where she was threatening that he was making a terrible, terrible mistake sending her home.
“Chris Harrison” gifts Des an aqua/turquoise Bentley convertible. I never know which color is which.
Then there is a really weird Venice Beach montage where Des Rollerblades in a bikini. Did you know Rollerblade was a trademarked name? Costume change for Des. And she’s an artist. Costume change. And she’s wearing too much make-up. Costume change. And she chases seagulls.
I tune out during her sit-down with Chris because, well, it’s boring.
The Big Night
I don’t love Des’ silver bedazzled number. but I like her so it’s all good.
Bryden, 26: Iraq war vet living in Missoula, MT. Fist pumps when they say it’s Des. Says “Sean made a huge mistake”. Says his dog is one of his best friends. Awww. Talks about a young Iraqi kid he used to talk to and hopefully impacted his life positively and Des goes and gets a rose. I like Bryden a great deal which is why I won’t punch his mom for naming him Bryden.
Will, 28: banker in Chi aka “black guy who does Bikram yoga”. How hysterical is that empty office they shot him in?! It had like blank IKEA bookshelves. What kind of banker hangs out amongst blank IKEA bookshelves. For srsly. Will high fives Des and gives a hug. Nicknames Des Athena because goddess of wisdom. Although, Des seems all set on the nickname front.
Drew, 27: Arizona guy in digital marketing. Looking at family photos and telling us about divorce, alcoholic dad, and seriously mentally ill sister. First guy out of limo. Drew has a cute little dimple. Des likeys. Has a funny, nervous laugh. She goes and gets him a rose when they’re at the cocktail party.
Nick R, 26: tailor/clothier by day, magician by night. Burns a napkin and it turns into a rose for Des. Then at the party pretends to make her disappear by just taking her away for one-one time. Pulls too many dumb magician moves but I am actually bummed he doesn’t make it past the first night since he and Des have clothing design in common and I would have liked to hear like one snippet from their sartorial conversations. Snippet. Get it? Snippet!
Zak, 31: after working in distressed hedge fund or something involving those three words, moved to middle of hill country, TX to work for oil & gas. gets out of the limo half-naked and says “will you accept these abs?” and the only reason I don’t barf is because he pretends he’s just doing it to make fun of Sean.
Robert, 30: entrepreneur who claims his company invented side spinning on side of the road. It’s a controversial statement considering I don’t see him on this list. Sign spinning is cool though, amirite? Also, Robert takes his tie off in front of Des when they meet. I don’t get it.
Mike R, 27: dental student in Dallas, TX and used to be in the Air Force. Born and raised in London, England AND HE LOST THE ACCENT. As Julia Roberts would say in Pretty Woman: “Big mistake. Huge.” Mike R is smokin hot though and apparently knows it. He wears his white doctor (dentist) coat out of the limo and refers to himself as McDreamy and McSteamy.
Brandon, 26: painting contractor Minneapolis adrenaline junkie who wake boards all day long. Lived through “choppy waters” growing up because dad abandoned the family and mom was an addict. Pulls up on a motorcycle. Gets a little too serious and pulls out some coin from when his mom got sober or something and tells a story how he flipped a coin to choose Des over a birthday party his grandparents were throwing. Or something? I might have gotten a little lost because I was simultaneously thinking about an ice cream sandwich in my freezer.
Brooks: Longish hair.
Brad: remembers Des’ past wish in the fountain and so he brought a wishbone and they break it and she wins the wish.
Michael G: federal prosecutor in FL. takes Des over to fountain to find “her penny” from before. He picks one and they throw it over her shoulder.
Kasey: I have PTSD for this name spelling. GUARD AND PROTECT YOUR HEART. This Kasey works in “social media” and has some hastags for Des, including (and I not joking): #perfectbachelorette #marriagematerial #let the journey begin. I am going to go on record now and say I have witnessed few things in my life as lame as a person claiming to be on the forefront of social media innovation spouting off generic trite and embarrassing hashtags and then looking around gleefully for adulation. Kasey is as cool as lava. My guess is he does social media for a cemetery or adult incontinence products.
Mikey T: plumbing contractor who makes the terrible mistake out of the limo of mentioning Des’ brother but later seems to be nice and normal and so if Des is cool with it, I’m cool.
Jonathan: lawyer who brings a a note that could have been awesome and funny about forgoing the rest of the guys blah blah but then tries to give her a room key to the fantasy suite. Can’t let the joke go and actually lights candles in a room and tries to bring Des to one, even though she clearly is not into it. Jonathan then accuses Des of not getting the joke. “What I want you to know is I am nothing like your last boyfriend. I have no filter.” And this is a good thing, why? Sean was like America’s Sweetheart. Then he lectures Des on doing something crazy and fun, because it’s so obvious she is so boring and uptight and would never just do something crazy like be on a reality dating show TWICE. Also, Jonathan’s mom says he’s good-looking. Quote: “Love Tank has been building for years, has not been depleted.” Jonathan is giving lawyers a good name. Goes back a third time for his shtik of getting Des off to a private place and so she kicks him out right then and there. It was very date-rapey so good for her. Some other victim will have to drown in Jonathan’s Love Tank.
James: advertising exec in Chicago. Recites a memorized Loyalty is Love speech.
Larry the ER doctor in glasses: teaches Des a rolling dance move and she catches something on her dress. Later he is trying to apologize for it but he does some kind of weird sleepy-eyed glasses on/glasses off thing. It’s clear that just with the guys he’s relaxed and funny, but with Des he just keeps talking about his embarrassment over the dance move. I am hoping that’s not why she kicked him off though, since he meant it to be romantic. I had to laugh when during his post-rejection speech he said of the dance move: “Out of 50 people I practiced on, only 2 had trouble with the dip.” 50?! 2?! Both numbers are making me laugh. What is that, a 4% physical calamity probability? I wouldn’t have taken the risk.
Zack K: Wearing a tux with black Chucks.
Diogo: Mysteriously-accented ski resort manager wearing a suit of armor and is “here to be your knight in shining armor”. Des makes a mean face and the guys inside diss him. This makes me sad times two. Yes, it was a dorky and cumbersome outfit. And the concept was cliché. However, I would like to think Des is nicer than rolling her eyes at what is only a genuinely sweet gesture. You know how sometimes foreigners lose some stuff in translation? And the guys’ reaction? Guys are always the biggest bitches on this franchise. They get super jealous, competitive, and insecure out of the gate.
Chris, 27: mortgage broker in Seattle, WA. Gets down on one knee and says “Will you mind if I tie my shoe?” Des laughed.
Juan Pablo: former pro soccer player. Cute and brings Des chocolate but repeats the correct Spanish pronunciation of his name too many times. Des is very lusty after him. Juan Pablo does some futbol tricks for the lady. Then everyone comes out and plays, which is kind of fun and different for this tired show.
Brian: financial advisor from Baltimore, MD
Micah, 32: law student from Denver wearing a crazy suit he claims he designed. I am pretty sure he does not make it through the rose ceremony, and I think that’s sad. His get-up was a lot of effort and kind of funny since it was riffing on Des’ profession. Would it have killed the planet to let him stay one more week?
Nick M: investment advisor who wrote a poem to Des. And one of the lines was “waves in the ocean” and later includes “journey”.
Dan: beverage sales director in Las Vegas. Let’s repeat four of those words: Beverage. Sales. Las. Vegas. As ready to get married as Juan Pablo the ex futbol star. Which is the opposite of ready.
Ben, 28: OMG brings his redonkadorable little son, Brody. And Brody says, after coming out of the limo and giving Des a rose, “Dad, did I do everything?” I AM DYING. He goes back with grandma but says he wishes he could go to the party. OMG. Ben tells the story later: “not married, ‘two friends having a kid together’ and we’re still best friends”. Um, weird. I feel like I have a lot of questions about that. Ben and Des have the Great Outdoors in common. He does seem very genuine and nice and Des runs to give him the first rose at the party.
Rose Ceremony remaining roses
Brandon, Zack K, Will, Brooks (Thank God he can stop stressing), Juan Pablo, Brad, Kasey, James, Robert, Brian, Dan, Chris, Mikey.
Larry the ER doctor
Nick R the magician: “I have a lot more to offer than half those dudes in there at least.” Really selling himself
Diogo: seems sweet and loving and now he is second-guessing his armor move 😦
I think the patchwork suit guy? I can’t keep up the first night.
Previews for the Season
Fistfights and someone has a secret girlfriend at home and lots of dudes crying.
Are we doing this, you guys?