One of the many reasons I love Women Tell All is that the acronym for it always makes me think of public transportation somewhere. Like if Wyoming had public transportation (oh hahahahaha), the agency would be called “WTA.”
So here we are gathered for “the women from the most dramatic season ever” which is such a bold-faced crock of doo doo and Chris B Harrison knows it. This season is as dramatic as an episode of Big Bang Theory.
Chris B Harrison surveys the crowd about whether this was the best season ever and they cheer and whoop it up. Um, what? Just because there is a big placard telling you to yell and clap doesn’t mean you have to. Although, I totally want to be in the audience for WTA one day (hint, hint, you know who you are).
Chris and Sean first go on a party bus to “surprise” people gathered around LA at Bachelor viewing parties. Like in sororities with 200 girls watching one 19 inch screen all in one room. It sounds like my worst nightmare. I would spend the whole episode like “SHHHHHHHH.”
WE get some funny, juicy recaps of the season. Also, Leslie looks too pageanty, amirite? I feel like her outward persona doesn’t match her inward one of being funny, clever, fun, and in the DC legislative/government loop. Maybe it’s just the curled hair part, I dunno.
Many of the girls trash Tierra with Chris. Because of course he instigates it. Brooke (who?) says something provocative (and true) about how Tierra’s antics worked for her in getting Sean’s attention.
Then Tierra comes out
“I light up in a room.” She is as delusional as ever- at least about why she repels people. But Chris is being an instigator and asking annoying, leading questions like “Did you feel you were ganged up on?” “Did you feel there was a pack mentality?” And using irresponsible phrases like “a mean girl conspiracy.” Questions like that just generally confirm for specimens like Tierra that “it’s not me, it’s them.” But more power to women like her and Courtney Robertson. They do always seem to make friends somewhere somehow.
Tierra refuses to apologize. For what specifically, I am not sure so I kind of agree with her digging in her heels. Frankly, the producers should be the ones apologizing for making Tierra’s unpleasant personality and dramatic hypochondria a major storyline during the season. But they always do that- they just let the season get dominated by something none of us want to see and edit out everything we do (like bloopers, real connections, funny dynamics, the real reason people get dumped, etc.)
WAIT, TIERRA’S FOREHEAD DENT IS GONE?
The Tierra crap is dragging on, even after every commercial break. (Not that I would ever, ever watch a commercial break.) They’re wasting my whole, favorite show on this nonsense.
And it’s all so tragically female, right? Everyone’s like: “Tierra, on this exact day at this exact time I said Hello to you and you didn’t say Hello back.” Can you imagine a bunch of guys doing that?
Leslie: “Tierra made her own cot.” Hahahahaha.
Tierra now apologizes and no one cares. At all. Chris then tries to bring up Tierra’s eyebrows and her sparkle. It turns out Tierra’s sparkle originated when she was “Little Miss Nevada”. And the way she pronounces Nevada reminds me again that natives should be in charge of universal pronunciation of where they live. Right? So from now on I am going to say Neh-vaaa (rhymes with the va in “vat”)-duh.
Speaking of Neh-vaaa-duh, the rock on Tierra’s finger is the next topic of her little chit-chat with Chris B Harrison. After immediately re-kindling a romance upon moving back to Sin City, Tierra got engaged in January to a mystery man and apparently it’s not a hoax. Except that not one person has exposed it in the media which totally makes it a hoax. Unless like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin they are never actually seen in public together but are, in fact, totally in love and together. So I guess what I am saying is Tierra is the Gwyneth Paltrow of the Bachelor universe. Tierra would not not benefit from the Tracy Anderson method, if you know what I’m saying.
Sarah’s turn in the hot seat
Which, despite her epic pleas to the contrary, is just another moment on this season where Sarah is, against her will, absolutely treated differently because she has one arm. Because why is she the only girl to go in the hot seat that wasn’t one of the last 4 girls rejected? BECAUSE SHE HAS ONE ARM. And everyone feels sad about it for her and therefore we have to re-live the special way she got dumped (not at a rose ceremony, and it was because she only had one arm because AshLee has two arms and was dumped at a rose ceremony) and why her broken heart was worse than everyone else’s. “I cried, and was vulnerable, and talked about things I don’t even talk about with my best friends.” That definitely made me sad. Gurl, that’s what besties are for!
“I think I’m funny, I think I’m smart. I think I’m great!” SO DO WE! Someone shouted that last part, but I agree. You know a girl is awesome when people cheer and are happy when she is giving herself props.
Desiree in the hot seat
She’s the new Bachelorette, right? Hopefully. WE go right to the brother drama. And to re-watch the hard goodbye with Des and Sean where she is telling him he’s making a giant mistake and he seems to think maybe that’s true is a little emotional for me. Weird, I know.
Watching Des talk (despite her not awesome make-up job on this show) reminds me that Sean was an idiot. She just seems older and more poised than Lindsay. She just seems – um – awesome.
Des talks AGAIN about the epic love between her parents. Faye and I (we squeezed in one more viewing session together!) discuss whether we know anyone who would call their parents “soul mates”. Discuss.
Chris B Harrison wants to talk about Des’ brother. Des thinks maybe the brother was the turning point for Sean. But that’s NOT what she said on Twitter after that episode. Just sayin’. And then re the prank she pulled with the actor:
“It was like the worst hometown in Bachelor history.”
Um no way. Backyard bird burial, taxidermy in basement, tour of a morgue, the slideshow of the parents’ recent trip to Thailand… I could go on.
AshLee’s turn in the hot seat
AshLee is wearing one of those bandage dresses that I usually hate but her body is so outrageously slammin’, I’ll take it. Fake boobs or not, she looks good. Ok? The hair though- like Twitterverse, I am not into the hair at all. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, and AshLee was gorgeous and stunning facially and follically all season long. Now her hair is too long and too blonde and it’s the wrong way to do a hair melt/ombré (and by the way, there should NOT be two different terms for this hair fad). Even I know this and you all know my hair is not my strong suit. (My strong suit is obviously my height.)
I like when people explain the particular ways they were led on by the protagonist. Because the ones that are diplomatic and say things like “I just want you to be happy”, well they are probably classy and intelligent to do so but it doesn’t help reveal anything about the manipulations involved in this show that the main Bachelor(ette)s are obviously compelled to act out as per the producers manhandling of them. So in that vein, I applaud AshLee. She says Sean fed her lead-on lines like “you’re going to be best friends with my sister.”
AshLee: “With me Sean was a Southern gentleman. With the other women, he acted like a frat boy… I am no longer in love with him.”
Sean comes out to this bitterness. He says AshLee was his frontrunner from Day 1, but that ultimately he couldn’t find the laughter with her. No one is surprised by this. AshLee doesn’t strike anyone as a laugh-a-minute. But it does seem a little strange now in retrospect that Sean would keep such a serious person for so long.
AshLee says she felt “dishonored” that Sean kept her through the rose ceremony. I kind of agree. Why couldn’t she get the Sarah treatment and get let go in some private hotel room before dressing up and applying all that make-up and jewelry? And then she takes issue with Sean claiming to be a gentleman but then never “coming to check on her.” Not sure what this is about exactly but I am assuming there are a couple of days before she could go on her reject flight home to the US. That would be a bizarre couple days. Just 24-7 panang curry and voodoo dolls.
But AshLee’s not done dishing yet. She says that in their overnight fantasy suite, away from the electronic evidence-based documentation of film, Sean said some things to the effect that he had absolutely no feelings for the other two women (Catherine and Lindsay): “There’s nothing between those two.” He said this twice. SCOUNDREL. Sean’s a bad liar actually. I think he probably did say something like that to cop a feel. He would fail a polygraph right now. Crickets.
Sean is saved by the diplomacy of Des and even though she was probably led on too, she wishes him nothing but the best. Proof that she is the next Bachelorette!
This segment ends with Sean talking to Chris B Harrison while half-naked and flexing his pecs. I actually LOL.
All the girls we wish we would have heard from instead:
- That drunk 50 Shades of Gray girl from opening night
- Amanda because there is just something not right about her
- Kacie and how weird and drunk she was with Sean on the beach and trying to gossip about the girls and why the hell did she think she should come back on this show?
- Robyn and her Do You Like Chocolate thing
- Taryn and how did she eventually get the green chlorinated look out of her fake blonde hair?
- Yogi Katie and her frizzy big hair
- How does Selma’s family reconcile her strict Muslim code of conduct with her, um, way of being?
- Lesley and Where Are You Now? (oh squeal, you landed a cute guy! http://instagram.com/p/WajrhICdgX/
A review of Catherine and Lindsay as final two and previews of Season Finale
They save Lindsay for last with dramatic music so, you know, we know. Also, Sean’s mom cries. Also, someone gives Sean a letter at the altar. I wonder who that could be. #catherinealwayspasseshimnotes
Magic the Dog retrospective
Mike Fleiss’ dog – seemingly a regular around Bachelor shooting all these years – has passed away. I can barely take it. He looks like he was an amazing companion. I love Magic the Dog. I am devastated about Magic the Dog. I hope his many years on the Bachelor sets were good ones, and that his little doggy ears never understand what “not here for the right reasons” meant. RIP, Magic. You are the best thing about Mike Fleiss’ personality. #mostlikely