bachelor sean episode 9 recap: when you have a capital letter in the middle of your name, life is just going to shit on you #FaCt

This season is so suspenseful!

Do we need to talk about Sean Tells All last week? No, ok good.

This week we’re in Thailand, at the Anantara resort in Si Kao. I have never been there. Write that down.

Sean is wearing his fave red/pink shorts, navy t-shirt combo. Oh wait, now he’s in an aqua muscle tank on a hammock. Gross.

There is some weird retrospective of all the girls so far, which I thought gets saved for the very last episode, but I guess it’s never too early to do retrospective video packages. I think order of these is important, and also what Sean says about each woman.

Catherine: intelligent

AshLee: relationship with AshLee is probably the strongest relationship I have

Lindsay: Lindsay and I have this spark that has grown into this massive flame. Emotional, physical, spiritual connection.

So basically: no contest.

Date with Lindsay

Lindsay looks cute in tank, and sheer shirt and wedge sandals. Even Possessionista liked it on her blog. Ooh, what’s that foot tattoo??! Lindsay, you vixen you.

They get on some tuk tuk thing to the Si Kao market. Oh, the classic Bachelor market date. You wily producers, you. Oh my god, those birds are painted flouorescent colors. Is there an ASPCA in Thailand? Oh the ‘A’ stands for ‘American’? Whatever.

(Somewhere Tierra is so pissed to miss out on this market date.)

Of course Sean makes Lindsay eat bugs because he loves “testing” the women. They do a maggot cheers, Lindsay looks like she’s going to puke, and they keep going on to the grasshoppers. Sean is, not surprisingly, getting turned on making a woman do something she is uncomfortable doing.

Sean: “I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I want in a marriage.”

(What is the percentage of high school sweethearts who divorce?)

They sit on a beach and talk about/around wanting to start a life together. Sean to Lindsay: “you’re the best friend I’ve been looking for.” So like a broken record here, I think we can all agree he’s going to pick Lindsay. The show is notorious for leading people on but they are making life plans together and he is basically telling her he’s going to choose her. If he did pick AshLee or Catherine in the end and they saw this segment, I think they would dump him anyway.

Now it’s Monkeys and Sexytime on Yong Ling Beach. Props to Sean for wearing his Thai market-purchased swim trunks. They neck in the water to the sunset. It reminds me a little of my life.

NOT AT ALL.

Then dinner is in front of these traditional Thai floats with big flower designs made out of flower petals on the grass. Not sure about Lindsay’s grommeted corsety mini dress and big earrings though for dinner on the beach.

Lindsay says she’s open to moving to Dallas. Sean tells her it would be fun to pick out a house with her. SO HE’S PICKING HER, RIGHT?

Sean just sits there making eyes at Lindsay, compelling her to say I Love You. That’s always a weird thing on this show that the “protagonist” has to pressure the contestants to say I Love You when they don’t have to say it themselves. But Lindsay is saved for a minute by a bunch of traditional Thai dancers. When the dancers leave, Lindsay is presented with the Fantasy Suite key from Chris Harrison. It’s always gross that Chris signs the invitation, right?

Sean says he is falling in love with Lindsay. He tells her she is funny and loving/compassionate and could be his best friend. Lindsay probably shouldn’t have giggled before she said I Love You but whatever. She said it finally and that’s all Sean cares about. The producers cue this Disney movie music, which at least momentarily distracts me from the fact that Lindsay all of a sudden just seems so young.

Date with AshLee

They leave from Pakmeng Pier. I am a big fan of off the shoulder things so I love AshLee’s netty sweater. She definitely has going for her how open she is about her feelings for him. Or wait, is that a plus? I never read The Rules so what do I know.

Since we know Sean loves to challenge the women, he wants to get AshLee out of her comfort zone – only because he wants her to latch on to him for support. Reader Elizabeth (E, right?) nailed it when she said Sean’s MO is to be the protector/savior. So anyway, the couple goes swimming in a cave. We hear some abandonment crap about AshLee but it’s a little BS, right? If she was such a routine-obsessed control-freak, she would not be on a reality dating show. But AshLee plays to casted type and says she is terrified to do this cave because she has to be vulnerable.

Just as an aside, this part of the date doesn’t seem fun or awesome at all.

AshLee manages to make a relationship analogy about the darkness and being terrified and uncomfortable and relationships. It’s always fascinating to me when girls that gorgeous are also a little bit crazy. Do you think God is just trying to make things even stevens?

They find the light at the end of the tunnel. Their words, not mine. Sean also mentions how happy it made him to be her protector. Sean is like five minutes away from becoming a pastor at a mega-church.

They basically swim out to a secret hidden beach and so that is awesome at least.

(Side question: what if one of them has to go to the bathroom right now? Like #2?)

It starts to rain.

They have dinner at night on the beach. I like Ash’s big, chunky bracelets. Sean, to his credit, proactively brings up why he’s been single for so long. Sean tells AshLee he “admires” her for so many things. Which I feel is her death knell on this show. It’s like a performance review- nothing like the loved-up chemistry between he and Lindsay.

I wonder what AshLee will say when presented with the fantasy suite date card. She says she doesn’t want to cross a boundary but then says yes. It was so suspenseful. I was on the edge of my seat.

(How embarrassing that the hotel they have to set up three different fantasy suites. The workers are like, ugh we have to do the flower petals in Room 17 this time.)

Sean goes, “you’re loving, sweet and generous” and then AshLee decides that is the cue to describe what kind of engagement ring she wants and her ring size. “I definitely know what I want.” If Sean even had a b*ner (excuse my French), it deflated. AshLee was confusing Sean and his very clear requests for AshLee to NOT be a control freak, for her Pinterest board.

Gypset. You know what I’m saying?

Date with Catherine

I am worried everyone in Thailand will think Catherine is Thai. Faye tells me Thai people know the difference. Whatever, Faye.

It’s cute how she runs up to him super pumped on the beach. They get on a junk boat to cruise around. (Again, Tierra is so pissed. “Sean knows I love boats.”)

They are laying on a boat amongst strewn pillows, while it cruises around paradise and they sip white wine. I am so jealous. I would even do multiplication tables to trade places with them.

Why do we always have to talk about how Catherine is “weird”? I know it’s like a running joke but I feel like it’s a short leash for weirdness when you’re beautiful and hot. It’s like if you skip or sing a tune, you’re weird. She’s not playing Magic the Gathering or collecting dolls, you know.

Oh snap, Catherine also fits the best friend for Sean mold! But he admits their lives are the most different from one another of any of the couples. And props to Sean he actually says: out of this environment and when the cameras stop, would you want to move to Dallas and have a different life? I have never actually heard the lead ever say this on the show.

Catherine: “I am pretty expired in termed of Seattle.” Wait, is that a thing you can say?

Catherine is rocking the two-tone bikini. And you all know how grumpy that makes me. They both somehow know how to do backflips into the water. I would be climbing backwards down the ladder. They go snorkeling. Now they are kissing on the boat in the pouring rain.

“I just feel like Catherine gets me better than anyone else.”

At dinner Sean says to her: “I can tell you I can see myself marrying you.” He says that to goad her into being vulnerable and saying I Love You.

Sean is screwing with my mind because he gave Lindsay all the No Way Out lines but now he is bordering on that with Catherine.

Catherine, like AshLee, pretends to protest the very idea of the fantasy suite. Btw, I am totes digging her sort of tie-dyeish dress.

In a steamy pool under the stars, we leave the weird lovers.

Fireside Chat with Chris B Harrison

We are reminded Sean got the boot on Emily’s season as third to the last, just like this week. SO HE REALLY UNDERSTANDS THEIR PAIN. But apparently it didn’t prevent him from not leading people on.

I love video message time! But first Sean has to stare at their pictures for awhile.

Back to videos. You could skip the entire season and just watch Sean watch the videos and you would know who he’s going to choose in the end. He officially has the worst poker face in this franchise’s history. He BEAMS during Lindsay’s video, looks pained and uptight during Catherine’s, and looks nauseous by the end of AshLee’s. I am actually surprised this wasn’t edited out of the episode. It’s like a built-in spoiler.

Rose Ceremony

Lindsay’s dress is gorg. It’s like a royal emerald blue color and belted. Perfect choice. Much better than the other two girls boobing out. He is Christian, y’all! And I really cannot deal with AshLee’s dress + huge sparkly choker combo.

Rose to Lindsay.

Rose to Catherine.

Yikes for AshLee and her rejection. She looks PISSED. As she should, I guess. She was led on. Her evil stare is a more realistic reaction than we usually get. She won’t even let him walk her to the car. I think Ben Flajnik did that when Ashley Hebert rejected him after he got down on one knee (back when I liked Ben). AshLee’s ice cold face is kind of awesome. And terrifying. Sean’s words are so generic and lame and that actually surprises me. He could be a little more articulate and specific. He dumped Sarah better than this and that was weeks and less making out ago.

AshLee: “This wasn’t a silly game to me.”

Sean and Lindsay may need to go into the Witness Protection Program.

AshLee uses her hair to shield herself from the camera. I can’t even make a joke about that.

Previews

I love WTA!

Shout Out

Faye, my London life got better when we started watching Bach on Tuesday nights. We’re so hard-core we kicked all the talkers out of the weekly event. Thanks for putting up with me blogging, re-winding and pausing so I could give a piece of my mind. See you in Chicago in 2014 for opening night Bachelor Pad. Let’s order crappy bibimbap. But for now: “Will you accept this Tesco rose?”