bachelor sean episode 7 recap: the great eyebrow battle of 2013

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So long, only Bachelor woman who has ever eaten on this show, ever.

“Start Valentine’s week off with a Bachelor that will stop your heart!” Whatever to that.

Girls on a seaplane. Sean: I wanted to break the rules again and fly in to St Croix with all the six remaining girls on a seaplane. You crazy rulebreaker.

They go to the Buccaneer Hotel in St Croix. Wait, I feel like you guys are going to kill me but I swear we went to a wedding at that hotel at the end of 2006. It was a lot of fun.

Tierra isn’t friends with “girls who like her boyfriend” so she sets up a rollaway cot in some little side room. #bedbugshopefully

Let’s Get Carried Away date with AshLee

(cut to Tierra’s horrid face when this date is announced) Then Tierra sings: “The cougar’s back in town.”

AshLee is 32. Is that cougar age? I don’t know. I do know that 32 is old, pathetic, and humiliating. I can’t believe AshLee isn’t dead yet. Didn’t the universe hint to her enough when it orphaned her? Tierra is so lucky she is only 24 and chubbier and less pretty than cryptkeeper AshLee.

Sean tells us he is now into AshLee because of the blindfold/abandonment issues thing last week. The duo have to swim to their catamaran and then go to a private island. Why are we still doing the two-toned bikini thing, AshLee? It’s like a Bachelor requirement.

Um, St. Croix from a catamaran is kind of ridic.

At the private island Sean asks AshLee about Tierra. AshLee takes the bait and tells Sean about Tierra as poutypants. I can’t tell if he is glad to hear it or what, but no matter because within edited seconds, AshLee is mounting Sean on the beach with the rushing water over them in the sun setting. It’s gorgeous.

Going into dinner Sean says he has felt the day was fun, sexy, and romantic. “I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long time and can’t imagine anything going wrong” foreshadowing comment.

AshLee has another big reveal. She painfully ramps up to it. (pause) She got married when she was 17. That’s her skeleton in the closet. She did it to escape her terrible mom, which doesn’t seem that bizarre a way of dealing with a very troubled home life.

I think Sean is okay with it all and tells AshLee she is not broken and to take the word out of her vocabulary. Whip out the blindfold, AshLee looks so happy!

Then they do a weird yelling thing. Sean basically dares AshLee to scream that she loves him. He better propose after that stunt. Except that he then the camera something about how he could fall in love with her, and could see himself ending up with her. The operative word being could and also should we discuss how “ending up with” is so negative, defeatist, and unflattering. Even though lots of people say it, it’s not really complimentary.

Let’s Explore Our Love on the Streets of St Croix date with Tierra

Tierra is “not excited about being attacked by bugs, sweating and having my make-up running”. Sean knows she loves boating and being on the water, and thought the date would be “something like that.”

Lesley: I hate that bitch.

Me: I love Lesley.

So the date. Sean seems happy to see Tierra, even though he knows every single human hates her.

Is it just me or does Tierra looks really chunky and puffy on this date? It’s like when Lost Angeles hilarious blogged about her last week:

Back at the hotel, she found time to redo her makeup, get an oxygen mask and eat a hamburger because she was stressed out.  I root for her to stay on the show as long as possible because she could probably just flip right over to next season of Biggest Loser.

Tierra thinks Sean is so romantic because “he knew exactly where to take me shopping on our date” meaning Sean walked her up and down the open market stalls.

Why did Sean buy her an eternity love bracelet?

Oh poor St Croix. “All of a sudden” organized by producers a parade of carnival dancers comes their way and they dance and Tierra is the happiest girl ever and no longer “hot, sweaty, and thirsty.”

Sean loves this fun, outgoing side of Tierra. They go to some church/government building (it’s always hard to tell in the Caribbean) so Sean can try to delve a little deeper in her dark side. Tierra says she wouldn’t do anything different if given another chance. Even Courtney pretended to apologize. At dinner Tierra tells Sean she felt some distance from Sean earlier in the day and says she feels “behind in this game”. It’s interesting she calls it a “game.”

They walk to a dock over the water and Tierra uses the word journey and also that she is falling for Sean. Whispers: I’m falling in love with you. Thank you, closed captioning provided by the producers!

Sean’s conclusion is that it doesn’t matter if she’s not nice to the other women. As if.

Love is on the Horizon group date with Catherine, Dez, Lindsay

4:42am and Sean enters the ladies’ hotel with a flashlight and a camera to wake them up for their date. I like the no make-up idea but it’s creepy somehow.

Catherine: I am probably the lowest maintenance person here. I just need to pee and I’m good to go.

LOVE HER. (Also, forget even peeing: you can just cop a squat somewhere.)

They head in a Jeep to the most easternmost point to see the sunrise in the US. Then the drive the whole island west so they can catch the sunset. They stop along the way like a proper road trip, to a sugar mill and a treehouse.

Catherine feels like she and Lindsay are on a date with Sean and Desiree. Damn shotgun. (Also, I love Catherine but is her voice a little annoying?)

They make it west and take a dip in the ocean.

Poor Lindsay has a zit. She and Sean have a conversation kind of recapping their exchanges along the way. Sean says he is crazy for the girl in the wedding dress. He definitely always seems very into her. It would be nice maybe if we saw just a bit more of their exchanges so we could truly be on board too.

Sean calls his relationship with Catherine “unique”. Hmm. Catherine is using her “once upon a time a girl got hit by a tree right in front of me” voice to drop some knowledge about her dad. She doesn’t make eye contact at all even though Sean is looking right at her, so it’s a little weird. Catherine’s dad tried to commit suicide and now he lives in China.  Catherine is just sitting there stone cold, struggling.

More dolphin sightings.

Dez cries thinking about Sean meeting her family, because they are so special to her. And her parents have such a happy marriage.

The group retires under a lean-to on the beach and Sean gives his little speech about how hard it was to decide on this group date rose. It’s going to “the person who hasn’t wavered a bit since the beginning” and it’s Lindsay. I mean, not to quibble but I don’t think Dez and Catherine have wavered either but whatever, I like Lindsay too. She doesn’t seem incredibly mature to me, but I like her. And we all know guys like when girls are totally devoted to them and that is for sures Lindsay.

There is no actual sunset but CHEERS!

I hope Our Love Stands the Test of Time date with Lesley

Tierra read the date card with piss and vinegar coming out of her mouth. AshLee was showing some cray cleavage also.

Sean doesn’t want a “big and glamorous” date to get in the way of just talking to Lesley. Or his royal blue shirt/dark pink shorts combo. So they explore an old rum factory and maybe pick some fruit.

Oh no, the dreaded “is there anything else I need to know before I meet your family?” from Sean. Lesley’s face changes. Why aren’t they touching? Lesley wants to say she is falling for him but instead they go to explore more. Even Sean is noticing the lack of affection and kissing. Then Lesley gives an awkward speech about their “natural progression” and finally womans up and kisses him. Cue the nice music. Is it enough?

Sean’s sister Shay

Yay for Shay! She gets a sweet trip to St Croix for her birthday. Shay is pretty and talkative. Before Sean left Shay told him DON’T END UP WITH THE GIRL THAT NO ONE LIKES. The explosion below gets interspersed into the sibling beach chat.

Back at the Buccaneer the day before, Tierra was listening to AshLee and Lesley talk shit about her. Oh no no no no no, she is NOT having that bullhonky. So she confronts AshLee now about sabotage. Tierra is 24. She is a woman. Where in the country do women get married at 24? Answer: not Las Vegas.

Girls are jealous. Men love me.

She takes a dig at AshLee’s age. And tells her all the girls have talked shit about AshLee. That was low. And is it true? 😦

AshLee confronts Tierra then about her cold stares and raised eyebrows. Tierra’s explanation is she can’t help it. Tierra’s parents did not tell her they were worried because she never gets along with women (um, who put that idea out there in the first place?), they just told her she has a sparkle and do not let those girls take your sparkle. As for the facial expressions issue:

THAT’S MY FACE. I CAN’T HELP IT. I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROW. I CANNOT CONTROL MY EYEBROW. I CAN’T CONTROL WHAT’S ON MY FACE 24/7.

Perfect timing as Sean sashays up to get Tierra to introduce her to Shay right when Tierra and AshLee have just finished their words with one another. Tierra is sobbing in her rollaway cot.

Lindsay: “once again it’s the Tierra show.”

Sean is trying to comfort Tierra. She’s got her weak little baby voice on. She has such a big heart, according to herself. As all the awesome Tweeters have pointed out anyone who says they have a big heart doesn’t and anyway who says they hate drama loves it.

Tierra admits she confronted AshLee for sabotage. Tierra says she is scared of going into tonight and “hates confrontation” and “hates getting emotional.” #oppositeday

Sean processes this “nightmare” against a palm tree.

He comes back to Tierra and tells her it’s probably best if she goes home now. Bravo for Sean. He says it wasn’t his intention, he seems genuinely surprised at the turn of events, but also he seems to have put some real thought and lucidity into it. And he still comforts her.

He walks her out (um bags, purse, supplies?) and we see a camerawoman darting about. Tierra is PISSED. Some time must have passed because there is a minivan waiting. HA! Minivan passes a bunch of camera operators and producers.

Ugly cry. But then Tierra says she’s strong and will get over him. Well, that’s settled.

Tierra’s sparkle has left St Croix but NO ONE PUTS SPARKLE EYEBROW IN A CORNER.

And last note on Shay. Here is her family blog (she also has a recipe one) and she is cute and fun but maybe a little too earnest and eager beaver about how hanging out with Bachelor producers in St Croix was the best day of her life ever. I like the inside scoop though that the green tank top she was wearing had been her pajamas the night before. I did also learn that she married one of Sean’s college friends after he introduced them. And then she signed him up for Bachelorette.

Andrea Lavinthal@andilavs: Sean and his sister are super cute in that blonde flowers in the attic kind of way.

Rose Ceremony

Sean tells the girls how emotional Tierra was, he knew she was a source of drama, and he knew she wouldn’t be his wife. It will also be refreshing to have the other girls stop bitching about Tierra and to start just showing us what we need to see to get excited for the finale.

Look at AshLee’s beautiful off-the-shoulder yellow dress!

No cocktail party because Sean has clarity and knows what (who) he wants.

Oh I almost forgot about Chris Harrison!

Roses:

Lindsay already has
Dez/Des
Catherine
AshLee

I wasn’t surprised about sending Lesley home. But I think she blew it. I think she was a strong contender and then sort of blew it.

Catherine is bawling because Lesley is her best friend on Earth. (No seriously, they basically flirt over Twitter.) Oh god, Catherine says “Lesley and Sean have more in common than he and I do. I didn’t want to say that but it’s true.”

First of all, opposites attract. Second of all, it’s weird to me that you’re so upset your best friend is not going to get to marry the guy supposedly you’re falling in love with.

Third of all, how will the season be without the forehead dent? Maybe a little boring? NO WAY, because…

Previews!

Family hometown visits. Catherine’s older sisters blow her cover (she’s not ready for marriage) and Dez’s older brother wants to fight Sean because he thinks he’s a player (also the brother is a thug and jealous that he’s not on the Bachelor).

Outtakes

Sean’s dad started a tradition of Jammy Cocoa Christmas. Sean pulls out at iPhone pic of him in his onesie. Why is he allowed to have his phone?

Oh and

I’ve always loved Ashley Spivey and now she is linking to some other great Bachelor recap sites. I plan to check some of them out and be jealous. http://saynotocosmo.com/post/42866852888/miss-my-bachelor-recaps

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11 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

11 responses to “bachelor sean episode 7 recap: the great eyebrow battle of 2013

  1. Shay is married and has two children (right?) but the best day of her life is being flown to St Croix to be on a TV reality show for five minutes. On second thought, makes total sense. I’ve never heard boderline personality disorder described as “sparkle,” but that totally makes sense as well.

    • yael

      I thought the same thing exactly. It’s a little weird to say the best day of your life was a day without your husband and kids even though she has a whole blog dedicated to being in love with her husband and kids. But maybe she said most FUN day? Still weird, but more acceptable.

  2. Erin

    Wait. Are we not going to talk about Shay’s oh so bright pink shorts? Really? I mean… Come on.

    Adios Tierra… We won’t miss you. At all. I am tired just thinking about listening to you at the WTA. Ugh.

    I think AshLee is getting in her own way now. She needs to keep her eye on the ball(s) now and leave all the drama behind.

    • yael

      You have to read Shay’s family blog to understand the genesis of her outfit. It is actually funny. She bought 4 new outfits for the camera and the producer didn’t like any of them so basically made her wear her pajamas.

      If the WTA is dominated by Tierra… well, actually to be honest there is nothing else to talk about. Everyone else was pretty vanilla!

      AshLee worries too much.

  3. Meghan

    I’m not sure how much someone “sparkles” on a cot – but good riddance. No amount of wine or hiding my face when she was on made her less awful. I’m guessing there will be at least 25 (maybe 30) sparkle references in the first 30 minutes of WTA.

    Also, can we talk about how Sean “appreciates” AshLEE’s honesty about Tierra – but Kacie got the boot for it? (Granted Kacie may have gotten the boot for being drunk as hell while trying to “warn” Sean about Tierra … and speaking in white zinfindel induced tongues – but still). Also the yelling love professions on the beach with AshLEE was visciously mean of the ABC producers. Do you think they sit around all day and plot and someone wins a pot of money for devising the most embarassing one?

    Finally, has this existed every season? Why am I just discovering it now?!
    http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/blogs/kiss-leaderboard/week-seven

    • yael

      I thought the weird thing about Kacie’s drunken gabfest with Sean was that she was randomly talking about a mini-feud between Desiree and Amanda and Sean was like “why do you care? Those girls don’t seem to care and no one else is involved.” And it was just bizarre that she felt she needed to report something that was so minor and forgettable.

      I am sure the same thing would have happened if she was complaining about Tierra though.

      That kiss leaderboard is awesome. I never thought to look at it until now. They need a column for when Sean rests his hands on the woman’s leg. It’s his signature move.

      • Meghan

        crap you’re right it was about Desiree and Amanda – I totally forgot and just inserted Tierra into it. It must have been all the sparkle.

  4. Elizabeth

    I’d like to add “I haven’t had Botox” to the list Opposite Day list of things.

    Don’t know what to make of Catherine’s crying. Maybe it is just a release after all the tears she held in telling Sean about her Dad? I like Catherine. She’s one of the few that doesn’t trade on her tragedies. The girl has some serious dark corners.

    • yael

      That Botox comment was so funny. Like no one even asked you, Tierra!

      I am starting to sour on Catherine just a little, I am sorry to say. She started out so cool and laid back and funny and self-described “nerdy” like Sean etc. But here is what rubs me the wrong way: (1) why is she so devastated Sean is not keeping her best friend Lesley? That means you’re not that into him so stop wasting everyone else’s time, (2) on Twitter she is all about the ladies and even dropped a hashtag #seanwho, so now I pretty much know she doesn’t win, and (3) I do actually think she trades a little bit on her tragedies. Only because she definitely brought them up during a quiet, romantic, emotional part of each date rather than making them more normal, off-hand comments. She clearly wants Sean to know and wants him to see her elevated for it in his mind. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but I didn’t find either mention to be organic. It’s not like she hit a tree during their walk and then said “oh yeah I once saw a girl get hit by a tree”… no, she was like PAUSE, QUIET, DRAMATIC EFFECT, HERE IS MY STORY. Same with her dad. She could have waited until she knew she was getting a hometown date to mention why her dad wouldn’t be around. But she mentioned it early hoping to get a hometown date.

      Ok rant over. I still love that she is low maintenance.

  5. Bach Fan

    Those Tierra lines about not being able to control her eyebrow, and her sparkle were priceless. Even though I watch the Bachelor/ette because I’m a romantic and not for the drama, that was good stuff. Unrelated: I thought it was strange that when Sean came in early for the group date, Lindsay said she was naked even though she was sharing her bed with her BFF?? And, Shay seems a little too perky or something.

    • yael

      Shay does seem like she’s on something.

      Re: naked friend sleeping… I wonder if in the history of this show, there has ever been some girl-on-girl action we were never privy to.

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