Two main problems with the total domination of the Tierra Storyline Monopoly:
- Tierra is not a juicy villain. She is not diabolically funny (Courtney) and not so obviously duplicitously self-promoting as to be an interesting caricature (Wes). She is not even histrionic enough to be like a train wreck we can’t stop watching (Vienna). She is just kind of insecure and obsessive and boring.
- Tierra is edited into the show in only one of three ways: scheming, melting down, or making out with Sean. The part that is missing is why he is so smitten with her. Obviously they have some kind of dynamic and some kind of connection but the producers categorically refuse to let us see it. Al least with Courtney, we got a lot of exposure to the quirky/cocky dynamic she and Ben had.
The beginning of the episode hints at the sad state of affairs. The mood is already a bummer: Sean does not participate in any homoerotic soft porn, and Chris B Harrison is wearing a very boring light blue button down. No interesting colors, no patterns, no cool cuts. I feel like they’re all just biding their time until the next Bachelorette gets organized. I vote for Catherine!
There are 11 ladies left. There is the dreaded 2 on 1 date this week. The “world-wide journey” begins. It’s about time! I was getting hella bored of SoCal.
The girls board a plane to Montana to meet Sean because “he’s a country boy who loves the outdoors.” Dallas suburbs are not country and owning a handbag and furniture line and spending all free time in the gym does not strike me as outdoorsy, but fine. The girls make me laugh with their tepid reaction to the news about Montana. It was definitely different from after an announcement of the Caribbean. Um hello, I would love to go to Montana. Not that Sean invited me. I am just saying I would have cheered very loudly.
And they all head to the Whitefish Resort.
Let Love Soar date with Lindsay
I almost typed:
They are both wearing plaid shirts.
But because I have lived in the UK long enough (and am just generally pretty special and wise), I know that they are actually wearing a tartan pattern. Per Wikipedia: “Plaid is wrongly used as a synonym for tartan and any other checked fabric pattern in the USA”. I like how USA got called out. No other country fucks this up, apparently.
But honestly, they both look cute in the tartan to me. It doesn’t look cheesy.
“Is that a helicopter?” says Lindsay. Oh sweet Lindsay. Sean says he’s glad he didn’t send her home after the wedding dress schtick because I guess she has really grown on him. They’re going to tour Glacier National Park. I’ve been there! They picnic in the mountains in winter coats and make out. It’s kind of sweet. And I think it’s a good sign all the girls like Lindsay. She’s the anti-Tierra.
Back at his lodge in front of a fire clinking wine glasses. Lindsay uses terms like “adolescence” and says Like a lot. She’s quirky. It turns out from her life as an army brat, Lindsay is seeking security. I just don’t feel like their conversation just flows as easily as maybe with some of the others. But Sean gives her the rose because of their “two personalities jelling together” so I think we can all agree I missed something.
Then “Sean” “surprises” Lindsay with a concert in the middle of town by Sarah Darling. The couple stands on an elevated platform and pretends to act like it is romantic for 200 stone-faced townspeople to watch you instead of the concert.
You Make My Heart Race group date and After Party
Bachelor’s Montana Wilderness Relay Race commences in teams of 4. It comprises of: canoe race, something else, saw through a 12-inch log, and then milking a goat. It’s another competition where the losing team doesn’t continue on the rest of the date with Sean. Or so we think (dramatic music). Selma is wearing a little too much make-up and a sparkly half-turba for this wilderness date.
The red team – Sarah, Robyn, Selma, Dez – wins but Sean decides to bend the rules a little because he feels like he needs time with [someone on] the blue team. I think it should be pretty obvious to all the girls that Sean is vibing pretty hard with someone on the other team. I am sure he has a specific girl in mind (Catherine?) and was crushed went she went home. It’s an interesting twist, no?
The red team is pissed that they worked so hard to win. They need to get over it because I can’t imagine Sean will be impressed with their sore victory. Also, I mean, would you have slacked off if it didn’t matter? No, you would still do it for the competition and because Sean was watching.
One on One time with Sarah and I just can’t handle her Valley Girl-inflected delivery and bizarre word emphasis. She is gorgeous and sweet but I don’t see this as the love story for the season.
Back at the ranch Tierra feels like she’s being mis-led… we hear the producer interviewing Sean on camera and conveniently asking leading questions while Tierra conveniently knows which Whitefish bar to find Sean at and where exactly he is on camera. Why is Tierra wearing one of the blue team’s tartan flannel shirts? Sean is a major jerk for sitting on the bench with her and giving her time and a make-out sesh even though she is not even on this date.
Tierra: “I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you.” “I am a real person with real feelings and don’t want to be mis-led. I feel like the 2 on 1 is a slap in the face.” One thing Tierra does well is already act like she is Sean’s girlfriend. She’s already nagging him and chastizing him.
Dez wastes her alone time with Sean complaining about his decision to invite the blue team. AshLee interrupts – and she is smart enough to know there must have been one person in her 4-person team that he wanted more time with but she is NOT smart enough to realize it’s not her (it’s Catherine!) – and tells Sean she adores him. For some reason I think that verb should not be used in a romantic sense but good lord is AshLee gorgeous and mature.
Sean on Catherine: “Catherine is someone I just want to snuggle with. I love spending time with her.” Catherine needs to win this and they need to get married. OR Catherine needs to be the next Bachelorette. How much fun would that be?!
Daniella wants to interrupt them but sees them “sitting on each other’s laps” (wait, is that physically possible?) and how happy they are and this deters her. When she finally gets her time with Sean, she is bawling and complaining about how hard this all is. But he reassures her and she shows him a side he hadn’t seen before (apparently because we don’t actually get to see it) and they kiss and she gets the group date rose.
Robyn is not happy about it.
Love is a Wild Ride 2 on 1 date with Tierra and Jackie
Sometimes when I say 2 on 1, it sounds like it could be alluding to an upcoming gang rape. A small gang. A mini gang.
We already know Jackie is going home because dumb ABC showed the previews for the next night’s episode where Tierra gets hypothermia. These people toy with me!
Jackie is incredibly beautiful and Tierra is just horrible. Sean slow gallops up on a white horse. They all go horseback riding. Jackie’s horse is slow and she is lagging behind- literally and figuratively.
Then Jackie’s big ingenious plan is to tell Sean about Tierra being a two-faced beatch. Instead of exposing her evilness though, she says that Tierra was flirting with a guy at the airport. Seriously. That’s the best she could muster.
They go to dinner in a beautiful lodge and it’s as awkward and terrible as these dumb 3-person dates ever are. Sean has questions for both the girls. Tierra says she’s scared because she “has the biggest heart “and Sean asks her to elaborate. Tierra talks about her longtime boyfriend in and out of rehab who then passed away in 2009. Did she murder him? This is never made clear. What is clear is that a traumatic experience involving a loved one has taught Tierra to be kind towards her fellow man and to walk with compassion in her life. Also, none of those things.
Wait, did Sean just ask Jackie if she had eaten her fish seconds before rejecting her and giving the rose to Tierra?
The rejection walk includes Sean telling Jackie is sweet. Jackie becomes the latest person to drop the ball in outing Tierra: “I just want you to be careful with your heart. I see a lot of things in the house and I just want you to be careful.” Way to be vague and unhelpful. It’s awesome when people tell you to be careful with your heart because then you’re all: I ALMOST FORGOT TO BE CAREFUL WITH MY HEART, THANKS FOR THE REMINDER!
Tierra gets the rose and she and Sean snuggle to a fireworks show.
Look how pretty Jackie looks crying in the Reject Limo?! I want her to be my cosmetics consultant.
There is a “dark cloud” over the girls since they are all bummed Sean chose Tierra over Jackie the night before.
During alone time, Dez is confused and Sean is trying to strong-arm her into saying that everyone is upset about him keeping Tierra. Dez is smart and doesn’t take the bait and stays vague. But instead of appreciating that Dez is being as diplomatic as possible with a sociopath in the house, Sean now says he has doubts about Dez because essentially she wouldn’t throw Tierra under the bus. Sean wants it both ways on the gossip front. I need to quickly get tickets to the WTA in LA because I have a few words for him. Also, I am sick of the cold weather so it would just be fun to go to LA.
Tierra “want[s] to punch everyone in the room”. Which makes total sense for her to be so angry since she’s already winning.
Tierra: I honestly wish I was a fighter.
What are you then?
Robyn decides to make this a “Bad Girl’s Club” (?) and confronts Tierra. She accuses her of only acting friendly to the girls when the cameras are on or Sean is there. Lesley puts in her two cents too. Catherine is there for back-up. Seriously. Catherine looks like she’s there unless there’s a girl fight and you know a Dungeons and Dragon-playing web designer from Seattle would totally punch another girl in the vagina if you needed her to.
Tierra explains that people deal with stressful situations differently and maybe she has anxiety and maybe that’s why she has multiple personalities.
This is the first season (except make Jake and Vienna) where every single girl is in alignment with hating the same person.
Tierra: I am a Scorpio and I will bite.
You said you weren’t a fighter!
Sean walks in on the outrage and takes Tierra aside who says to him “all the girls are attacking me. I am not a drama person at all.” Sean is disregarding everything he knows about the way this show traditionally arcs.
Sean makes Lesley his victim and wants her to dish on Tierra. I feel bad for Lesley- what a shit way to spend the limited alone time you get with him. Sean is basically complaining that no one is being upfront with him about Tierra. Sean wants it both ways.
Catherine says she wishes Sean could take away a rose tonight, and I agree. I think he has connections with a lot of the other women and a lot of them seem genuinely great. Chris B Harrison decides it’s time for a candleside chat. Sean has the nerve to say to Chris: “There are girls who want to spend their time talking about someone else.” BECAUSE YOU FORCE THEM TO. Now Sean is not sure his wife is in that room.
Chris and Sean each give a little speech about how the week has been tough and how there is tension. Remaining roses to:
Sarah (I’m surprised)
Robyn is rejected, which is fair since we never saw a true marriage-potential connection between them. Just her “do you like chocolate?” bit. Sean’s parting words: “Best of luck.” I think Robyn takes it a little far in her rejection interview when she says: “I saw myself as probably the best-fitting person for Sean.” In what sense?
I’ve been to Glacier National Park and Jasper too! Do you guys want to talk about this? No? A-holes.
Let’s Find Our Fairytale Ending date with Catherine
The date opens ominously as Catherine is standing waiting in a scary blizzard snowstorm freezing wearing only a sweater. I don’t understand why she is only wearing a sweater. Sean comes up driving a crazy monster snow bus. They get out and do playful snow things like toboggan, make snow angels, wrestle, sip hot chocolate. Probably all in the span of three minutes so the producers could at least get enough variety for a montage. When Sean’s hair is covered in white frost, he looks like modern-day Ted Danson.
They change and get on a horse-drawn carriage to an ice castle made just for them. It’s kind of awesome. The ice castle at least- not a horse-drawn carriage in the cold.
Catherine now wants to show Sean her serious side (no, don’t do it!) and reveal the traumatic event that happened when she was 12. She sets the scene for us that she is walking in the woods at summer camp and a tree cracked and fell on/killed the friend directly in front of her. Sean just smiles and says “I’m so glad you’re here”- which is a weird reaction like he’s not really listening, but whatever. He gives Catherine the rose and for some reason on this date I am really distracted by Sean’s too-white teeth even though I love Catherine’s smile and personality but just think Sean whitens his teeth maybe a shade too far.
Let’s Bare Our Souls group date
The women engage in a canoe race across Lake Louise. Lesley jumps in Sean’s canoe when he says he needs a partner. Smart girl. Sarah has to row with one arm. Girl cannot catch a break.
Lesley: There needs to be a hot tub in my future.
I think a lot of us feel that way.
Then after the pointless canoe exercise, Sean announces that the girls can partake in the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge. And it’s totally not a bad sign that there’s an EMT and a lifeguard there. The water is like one degree above freezing and the girls get a quick education on hypothermia. This is officially the worst date I have ever seen on this show.
Selma says she’s not going to put her life in danger. Also she’s from Baghdad and is “warm weather people”. AshLee is scared and worried about doing it but decides to. All the girls are in their bathrobes FREEZING. The whole thing is really stressing me out.
The girls sans Selma all take the plunge (Lesley – smart again – is all over Sean before, during and after) and immediately being shrieking afterwards that they feel invigorated, euphoric, life-changed, reborn etc. But the elation cannot last. Tierra is like dramatically staggering around hyperventilating. The EMT and lifeguard bundle her up, put her in a wheelchair and
bring her to a hospital dump her in the lobby of the hotel. It’s actually kind of funny.
Dez and Catherine are watching the date from the balcony (weird) and freaking out. They seem truly worried and concerned and so clearly they don’t know yet it’s Tierra.
Tierra sits in the hotel making crazy faces with raccoon mascara smudged all over her and pretending to still shiver. The rest of the girls come back elated on Cloud 9 and aying it’s a bonding experience, it changed their lives and they want to go around the world and take the Polar Bear Plunge everywhere. Sean, in the meantime, goes and cuddles with Tierra in a bed with her oxygen tank..
Sean: “Should we get this party started” aka Let’s start the mandatory one-on-ones.
Lesley and Sean just talk about the polar bear plunge. She says like a lot. Sean to Lesley: “I appreciate you so much.”
Sarah is really thoughtful and she shows Sean pictures of her family and tells him stories about each of the photos. I like that she’s making this time about her and what’s important to her and the people who make her her. So much of the show is girls trying to kiss up to Sean and Sarah is sort of taking a refreshing break from that. But then the way Sean just pecks at her is not a good sign.
Creeper Tierra gets ready for the after party even though she was supposed to stay in bed with her decaying toes. The girls are meanwhile all hating on Tierra and doing funny impressions of her when she got her up-the-stairs concussion. BUT then Creeper walks into the room and you could hear a pin drop. The girls are right that the #Tierrist could teach a class on how to land a man with this routine. And by man I mean a man with horrendous taste.
Sean immediately takes her for a 1 on 1.
Lindsay though saves us and grabs Sean for alone time and her upbeat giggly personality is a nice antidote to the constant drama.
When they are all gathered again, Sean gives a little speech about how Tierra is a trooper and then immediately hands the group date rose to Lesley because “they turned a corner”. As though they met in alcohol rehab. Whatever.
Then something crazy happens where Sean is SO POSITIVE that Sarah is not for him that he has to go back to the girls’ room right after the date to pull her out and reject her. I know he’s thinking that it’s the kind thing to do but why can’t you just wait until the rose ceremony so she is kind of insulated by the rejection of two girls and it just seems more routine. But instead he’s making it super obvious that their kiss and alone time tonight was so wrong and so bad for him that she has to get the boot early and dramatically. His decision has the opposite effect of what he’s claiming to have wanted, which is to not torture her.
Sarah says her rejections are always the same: “you’re an amazing girl and so special and someone’s going to be lucky to have you…” “I don’t want to be told that forever.” It’s actually sad to watch her be sad.
Don’t Be Scared … To Fall In Love date with Dez or Des
Dez is packing on her bed. LOOK AT ALL THOSE THROW PILLOWS! TOO. MANY. THROW. PILLOWS.
Why does Dez get a second one-on-one?
They go to Banff National Park and they need to rapel down a mountain to their picnic. Sean makes like two danger/climbing/life/relationship metaphors but I don’t even feel like typing them.
Dez: “If anything goes wrong, you fall to your death.”
Wait, I’m pretty sure that’s not true.
Dez makes a rapelling/relationship analogy.
There is a picnic in the middle of a meadow. Dez is actually talking with her mouth full of food. Awesome! There is so much actual eating this season! Then they climb a tree together with is totally cute.
Then at night they have a lantern and walk across a bridge to a teepee with a fire inside. Sean is wearing a horrific sweater that makes me think Luau at Gay Ski Chalet. You know what I mean?
Sean plays with Dez’s hair (he likes her). Dez talks about how growing up her family didn’t have a lot of money and so from time to time she would live in a tent or a trailer. But she says it kind of nonchalantly. Dez was in a weirdly-zoned school district I think because she said most kids lived in multi=million dollar mansions and she lived in a trailer park or a tent. Also, as Faye points out before Dez points it out in a voiceover, their date is currently taking place in a tent. Will Dez get PTSD flashbacks?
I don’t think Sean kisses with tongue. I can’t tell.
I like Sean’s 3-piece suit and slender tie.
Selma is wearing a form-fitting kind of professional business dress in mustard color. Selma leans in for a kiss, even though her culture prevents it. Selms says this will bring huge shame on her family so Mama, forgive me. But as one Tweeter pointed out, this will apparently not bring shame on her family.
Lindsay says during her brief alone time with Sean she will refuse to kiss him so they can make the most of their time. Whatever your definition is on “most” I guess. So she quizzes him on Canada and admits she sleeps naked. Then Faye and I have to sidebar in my living room about the pros and cons of sleeping clothed or not.
AshLee is a very cool chick and so articulate and poised and honest about her childhood of rejection and her as a person. She gives Sean a blindfold and says it’s a symbol of being willing to relinquish control (something hard for her to do) to Sean and wanting him to lead. It’s a cool moment on the show vecause she is so mature and gorgeous and classy and yet it’s provocative. Sean leads her to another room and they kiss. AshLee may have read Fifty Shades for Real Grown-Ups or something.
Remaining roses to
No one is surprised but I am even more worried that he called Tierra last which is usually what they do with their favorites.
The rejects both have a right to be pissed: Selma because he goaded a kiss out of her when he clearly knew she was a goner, and Daniella because he never even gave her a date and therefore a chance.
Daniella looks super awkward walking down the stairs in a short skirt and heels and I think it’s mean to force the girls to be filmed like that.
Sean holding up his champagne glass and toasting the remaining ladies: “I just know you six are the six for me.” On to my polygamist compound!
St Croix and the US Virgin Islands is up next. No EMTs that I could see.