Hello Chris B Harrison in your on-trend wine-colored button down. No wonder you are starting a fashion line.
The obligatory nekked shot of Sean is this time of him getting ready in the mirror and then looking for something to wear in his closet. These scenes are always gross and remind of a really depressing Chippendales experience. Like, all the sad sack groups of gnarly ladies are hootin’ and hollerin’ and all the classy broads are skeeved out. I wasn’t a fan of Fifty Shades of Gray but I am pretty sure one of the takeaways is that maybe deep down women like their turn-ons with a hefty side of not-that-obvious. Sean’s glistening hairless ab intros are bordering on homoerotic to me. I hope someone is enjoying it because it’s not me.
Let’s Turn Up the Heat date with Selma
Selma is so excited to hear her date read from the card, she skips out of the room. Tierra shoots daggers from her eyes (figuratively – although no doubt she would literally shoot them if she had the capability). Leslie H also inexplicably cries.
In the limo it’s cute that Selma and Sean are playing handsies. So cute I don’t get too miffed when Selma casually mentions she’s 110 lbs. Honestly, you don’t get on this show with any type of BMI in the normal range so I don’t see why anyone even raised an eyebrow over on Twitter.
Selma’s hot yoga outfit is too boring for a private jet. Oh well. She is being funny when she mock-complains that “They took the Iraqi to a desert.”
Oh look, they’re at Joshua Tree National Park! I love Joshua Tree. Do you want to hear the story about me driving cross-country with two friends in the summer of 1998? No? Fine. Screw you.
The couple goes rock climbing and just sort of scales a humongous cliff face like it’s no bigs. Sean keeps saying “you’re doing good“. Ugh. Wait, can you just never rock climb ever in your life and then just do that? Does anyone know? How is Selma’s make-up flawless at the top and neither has a bead of sweat?
The nighttime part of the date is like a mini RV park with cutesy glamping campers. Blakeley and Tony already did a version of this and it was more romantic because it led to their five-second engagement. Selma is also dressed all wrong with a long dress and leather blazer coat and bejeweled bejewels.
But more importantly Selma is gazing at Sean adoringly – with ravenous intentions – but then says “you’re going to find an incredible girl” or something. I don’t understand that comment at all. Selma then creates some major blue balls with the news that she grew up in a strict Muslim Arabic home and that dating is basically forbidden and kissing is forbidden. What is not forbidden however, is bikini beach volleyball, bare shoulders, major stroking and eye sex.
Sean gives her the rose.
I’m Looking for a Woman Who Can Roll with the Punches group date
Amanda the fit model has ridiculously perfect teeth. She could be a dental model. Amanda lies to the women that she is a roller derby pro already. Her psychological warfare backfires on her when she chin plants and concern over her jaw requires a trip to the hospital. Sean doesn’t seem that upset when she’s packed off. He’s like buh-bye and pats the car. His smile never really leaves his face. It’s either because Amanda also reminds him of a Disney villain who is only pretending to be beautiful to trick the protagonist or because they just don’t have any chemistry at all. Either way, her death knell.
This roller derby group date activity is terrible for Sarah since her disability means she has issues around balancing and can’t right herself the same way a non-disabled person could. It just seems mean to have even included her on this date. I mean I understand it’s important to not treat Sarah differently and also to let her rise to challenges, but she already flew off a building with you and frankly, torturing her will not reveal anything that would help in determining whether you could build a life together. Because frankly, if you were dating, you would never do this kind of shit together. I have to hand it to Sarah (pun unintended), she handles herself very well and her rawness seems the most real and interesting to me of anything else we have seen of Sarah thus far.
AshLee: Sarah to me has no disability.
Sarah: Today is a really extreme example of obstacles that will come my way.
Love both these girls.
Due to the Amanda’s chin injury, Sean changes it from roller derby to free skate. It totally wasn’t because of ABC’s legal counsel.
Then they all hightail it to The Roosevelt for the
Sarah gets some nice one on one time with Sean.
Amanda returns from the hospital in a regrettable red button-down and yellow flower-patterned skirt. It’s maybe what a hostess would wear to an upscale brunch joint. Sean kisses Amanda on the chin and she’s pumped about that.
Tierra is beefing about something. No one has any clue about what. If I had a gun to my head I would guess that her frenzy is instigated by the fact that Robyn asked a question about roller derby to two of Tierra’s teammates, but not to Tierra, EVEN THOUGH BITCH YOU KNOW I WAS ON THE SAME TEAM. And that perceived slight reminds Tierra that BITCH I HAVE HAD TO GO ON THREE GROUP DATES.
Tierra is dangerous. I know this because she is 24 and lives in Las Vegas and is a leasing agent. You guys, do the math. If you are 24 and live in Las Vegas and are a leasing agent, you are also doing bumps off the club bouncer’s mini iPad and stalking every ex you’ve ever had. And I mean real stalking. Not Facebook. Like drive-by shit. I will put money now on: Tierra has a tramp stamp that says “No Regrets.” But in Latin.
But seriously, Tierra is going BANANAS. She is marching around the hotel property simultaneously looking for an exit and looking for Sean. The producers are super fishy because when curly-haired yoga girl wanted to leave, they like opened the door for her. But for Tierra they are locking the deadbolt. Apparently Tierra and her drama are this season’s cash cow. Perhaps- but I dislike her in a very special way.
Meanwhile, Lindsay and Sean are hardcore making out. They are so revved on hormones they change into their bathing suits to get in the hot tub. And I say revved on hormones, because it takes something serious to literally ignore the fact that there are like ten girls sitting around bored waiting for little one-on-one chats and you say hell with it, and go swimming etc.
And this is where, to me, Tierra’s nonsensical scene gets interesting.
- Sean was clearly into Lindsay. So the fact that he can so instantly switch his boner to Tierra just proves how mad and gone he is for her.
- Sean is a seasoned vet of this show. In past episodes he has even alluded to the fact that he knows if someone is unpopular in the house or always saying things about girls not liking them, it probably means they are a train wreck of a human. And yet, all that knowledge of his just blows out the window when he is with Tierra.
It says something about how much mutual disgust the girls have for Tierra that none of them is even remotely concerned about the fact that Lindsay just rolls up to the couch gathering in her bikini. They are so blinded with rage, no one’s like: “wait a sec, you little slut!”
Tierra to Sean: “I’ve been wanting to give my heart to someone for a long time.” (You’re 24.)
Sean to Tierra: “You know how I can tell you like me? By your eyes.” (Cocky.) (Genius.) (Needs to work on his foreplay chat.)
Then Sean goes to get the rose. For Tierra. The girl who just interrupted his palpable chemistry with Lindsay, who was not born with half an arm and had to suffer through a difficult physical group exercise, who caused a pathetic scene and basically has told Sean 18 different ways that every one of the girls hates her and that women the world over never like her. Lindsay’s face reaction is priceless. I am actually surprised none of the girls leave the show right then and there. Because what does it say about Sean that he is rewarding desperate temper tantrums and mean-spirited attention-grabbing juvenile antics? It says he likes a winner! It will totally work out. Like when Jake picked Vienna and Ben picked Courtney.
Could This Be Forever date with Leslie H
The date card comes with diamond drop earrings. Leslie says: “I’ve never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend before.” And I say: well good, because you aren’t now either.
Sean pulls up in a convertible. Leslie is sort of a spaz in a 1950s way, right? “Holy Moly!”
They pull up in Beverly Hills to shop on Rodeo Drive a la Pretty Woman. When Leslie finds the dress they both like, she exclaims:
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner.
I slump down in my seat because Leslie is so corny. She’s a poker dealer though. (That’s a real job!) Maybe that’s something she says in the casino.
Faye, my regular Tuesday-viewing pal, is more upset that Leslie picks a gold clutch to pair with the green dress with so many silver accents.
Sean and Leslie head over the Neil Lane to find a cray necklace.
It’s pretty clear already that Sean wasted this date on Leslie. I’m actually surprised he chose her for something so romantic. I get it that he wanted to see if there was anything there, but if you’re trying someone out, why not do it rock climbing or free falling or whatever? This night could have been super romantic and he should have picked someone he knew he was vibing on. And Sean has no shortage of girls he seems pretty hot for.
They get to dinner and Leslie says “Holy Moly!” again. Cringe.
Leslie, in a classic move all us ladies use when we’re trying to get a guy to be super in to us, tells Sean that every guy she dates ultimately rejects her and marries the very next girl he meets. #flaccidnow For fun let’s think of other things you should definitely say to a guy to reel him:
- Guys always go for my best friend, never me.
- I’ve picked out all my future kids’ names. I just need to meet their daddy.
- In my high school yearbook I was voted Most Reliable.
- I have IBS.
- It’s funny, no one ever asks me out on a second date!
- Can I sing some a capella Sarah McLachlan in your ear?
This dinner is like interview chatting. There is zero heat. Sean basically has a roster of questions. Maybe he is being nice and trying to continue the conversation – just in case – but I don’t see how he can think rapid-fire interview questions are going to bring the romance. Regardless, in usual producer-d*ck move, Sean picks up the rose, Leslie gets excited, and then Sean rejects her.
It was a fair dismissal even if the whole date decision and execution was not perfect.
Before Leslie gets into the limo, she mentions a bad girl int he house, but does not name names. Why won’t these cast-offs name names?! Leslie seems super sad to get in that limo. I get a little sad for her.
Then Sean has to go listen to Ben Taylor Band (or something) by himself. And drops the rose off the balcony. As you do.
Tierra’s weird forehead craters are in full force during her obnoxious reference to already having a rose.
During one on one time with AshLee, Sean reiterates he is impressed with her strong orphan-ness.
Robyn did a weird gross bit about “do you want a taste of chocolate ?”and then they do lots of pecky kisses. Is Robyn that lame that she does a chocolate bit? Survey says: YES! I hope Selma is next with a falafel bit.
Tierra wants to clear the air – supposedly but not really – and has some fireside chat with Robyn and Jackie? about not liking people and acceptance and heat and other boring terrible subjects that only girls would discuss. Girls suck, right?
Tierra, who lost her crackers when someone did not refer to ger specifically regarding a roller derby question at the after party: I wish all the girls would focus on themselves like I am doing.
Tierra to Sean: I hate drama but for some reason girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.
Sean’s pecker is not worried about it.
Catherine saves us from the inanity and is cool and funny and there is nice vibey mutual attraction. I don’t really get the kiss on a piece of paper sticking out of her thigh thing, but I do like her and it’s nice they take a walk and kiss it out.
Tierra: In life I always get what I want.
No Regrets (tattoo).
Additional roses to:
I totally dislike Amanda but it sucks to get cut when you have a chin injury. Her dark scary lipstick isn’t doing her any favors. People on Twitter were funny about it.
Also, if Tierra commandeers this entire season a la Courtney Robertson, I am going to be so peeved. It would have been nice to hear one word this episode from Dez or Jackie or Lesley etc.
2-day Bachelor event? Tierra dramatically acts out hypothermia.