Wow, this season is doing nothing for me.
Alrighty! So the episode opens with Sean on the treadmill. It’s gratuitous, and yet, oh so enjoyable. And this coming from a girl who isn’t attracted to big muscles and blond hair. Sean’s like a missionary that way. Just a few more sessions, and I’ll be a full-fledged convert. We’re just at a spiritual impasse now over his turquoise tank tops.
Chris B Harrison comes out wearing something boring that I don’t care about. Even his wardrobe is throwing the towel in on the season.
How Long Will This Love Last date with Lesley M
I don’t even know who read the date card but they drew out the “Lesley” part so everyone would be in suspense as to which one. And it turns out it’s not the only date-card-reading antic of the episode!
Sean takes Lesley to Hollywood’s Guinness Book of World Records. She is being a good sport (as though there is another option) but is wondering where the cool date is actually lurking.
It turns out the tease and reveal is that Sean’s dad is in the Guinness Book of World Records for driving the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time! I actually think that’s pretty cool. It’s cool to set a record, and it’s even cooler that it wasn’t something gross like longest fingernails, but something cool like rapid cross-country driving. Even if a little dangerous. Lesley’s reaction: “that’s insane.” Call me a curmudgeon but I just think some moments in life deserve a little more class than millennial slang.
Then I lose four minutes of my life watching Sean and Lesley stand in front of the theatre to a gaggle of embarrassing LA tourists (are there any other kind?) to set the record for Longest Onscreen Kiss. It’s boring, gross, awkward, juvenile, and dumb all at the same time. But they seem to like each other and wow can Lesley rock a super short dress even standing on her tiptoes. Did you see her calves? I lived in the DC area for 26 years I don’t remember girls with calves like hers.
Later that night Lesley reveals to Sean she was a nerd and in AP classes and her parents are so in love and still hold hands. She leans in for the kiss. This surprises me since Sean basically just said he was happy to finally kind of take charge on the energy between them. But that kind of demonstrates the inherent problem with letting girls take AP classes: they get all independent and proactive and other stupid, terrible stuff.
Sean about Lesley: “we connected on so many different levels.” It’s a well-worn unintentional double entendre but hilarious every time.
Who’s Going to Win My Heart group date
Do we even care who is on this group date? Good, I won’t list them.
Sean is wearing a tight turquoise muscle tank. Dude likes bright colors I have noticed.
This group date starts with random beach sport activities that encompass different ways for the ladies to enjoy Sean’s abs. But after the warm-up, the 12 women find out that why they’re really there is they must duel it out in beach volleyball to win a night with Sean.
Luckily for Amanda: “I know what it takes to win on and off the field.” (Perhaps alluding to the fact she is a fit model.)
The girls mostly suck at beach volleyball and even their product placement bikinis are kinda fug. The team that loses includes some crying and moping women, especially Kristy and Leslie H. I know this kind of always happens, but seriously: CRYING?
Lindsay tells Sean he is amazing, the perfect guy on paper and off and wants to give him looks across crowded rooms and fall head over heels in love and then they kiss. It’s kind of incredulous to me. Just when I think Lindsay’s overeagerness and speech peppered with clichés and child-like earnestness will finally have Sean running the other direction, he falls even harder for her. Lindsay is like the anti-Rules and wow it is working for her. Even I am a fan now.
Sean tells Des/Dez she looked good today in her bikini. Gross, Sean. Dez claims: “I think differently than a lot of people,” but does not expound or give any concrete examples. I absolutely like her but you can’t just go around saying things like that in a vacuum. What if I just walked up to you and said:
I have a unique perspective on life.
I am pretty special.
People always think I am amazing.
You’re ready for this jelly.
without providing additional follow-up commentary? It’s weird. It’s weird, Dez. You’re better than that.
Amanda is weird because she says she’s the girl he’s looking for and if they get married, she’ll bring a light, airy, fun atmosphere. The girls are eavesdropping and Dez is not okay with Amanda selling herself that way. Then they have a weird conversation to one another’s face about whether or not Amanda is killing it with Sean because of her volleyball skills, or something more. It’s definitely a strange exchange but pretty benign in the grand scheme of Bachelor franchise conflicts. It barely registers in fact. and yet, thank goodness for it because it provided fodder for the first, likely best, and possibly only KRAZY moment of the Sean season.
Kacie B pulls Sean aside to tell him that Amanda and Desiree have beef and she feels like she’s caught in the middle. Sean – bless him because he’s reasonably smart and in this moment fairly direct – asks Kacie directly why she would make a point to tell him this since the girls both seem fine and it doesn’t involve her directly anyway. Kacie keeps repeating herself about how stressful it is that two girls who she barely knows had a slightly tense brief conversation that totally doesn’t even concern her, therefore digging the hole bigger and bigger. I feel a little bad since I think it’s a combination of low self-esteem, too much alcohol and those press-on eyelashes that keep weighing her lids down. I hope Kacie ‘splains herself at the WTA.
Sean cuts to the chase: “I want you to act like Kacie. Not this crazy person.”
as he waves to the sailing ship.
Sean extricates himself from Kacie B.izarro and gives the date rose to Lindsay.
Do You Believe in Magic date with AshLee
In reading the date card, Tierra pretends Selma is also going. None of the girls think it’s funny Tierra would lead Selma on. Because it’s not. Or as I would have said in 4th grade: Because it snot.
The next day, Tierra falls down the stairs stealing the thunder from AshLee in her cutey white lace dress all ready to go on her date with Sean. Sean comes in. He’s had several concussions so he feels Tierra’s pain. LITERALLY. Hahahahahahahahaha.
A lot of conspiracy theorists emerge, but honestly I don’t think Tierra is pranking anyone or drawing out the episode for personal gain. She seems embarrassed and wants to get away from the scene so it’s not like she’s milking it for anything. It’s Sean’s decision to go over and spend time with her. Sean has definitely been crushing on her since the First Impression rose.
Sean starts out the date with AshLee by saying: “There is no one else I would rather have on this date.” He says it to everyone so someone is getting lied to.
They walk into a shut down Six Flags Magic Mountain and Sean tells AshLee they will be doing charitable work too. They’re going to bring around with them two girls with chronic mitochondrial disease illnesses who also love The Bachelor (as you do). They’re surprising the best friends who have met online, but never met in person. This is when ABC does something good and we are totally emotional during this date.
AshLee is being super cool with the girls which seems generous and genuine to me, coming from her. Any girl would act like it’s a great time, but she seems to think it actually is.
Then there is a private concert with the Eli Young band. (Who? No idea.) It’s a little weird to me Sean never takes each of the young girls for a dip. I mean, that maybe would have made their lives.
Alone time now. AshLee is really pretty.
AshLee: I definitely want as many children as my husband and I decide.
Glad we got to the bottom of that.
AshLee mentions she wants to adopt an older child and then she reveals she was adopted at age 6 by a wonderful family, after being abused by a foster family when she was younger. Sean gets so emotional, he is crying. I’m emotional and crying too. This show rarely has a moment of authentic connection, but I think these two just found it for a sec.
Though I don’t she she’s The One for Sean. She seems too old and wise and maybe too world-weary underneath it all, even though she has a positive outlook on the surface.
Sean reunites Sarah with her dog Leo by surprising her with him bounding out of a limo. It’s cute but I can’t get a read on what it means and more importantly, how Sean truly feels about her.
Sean then makes a beeline past other ladies for Tierra. He likes her. He alludes to a lifetime with her. Dez interrupts and immediately gets some kissing action.
All the ladies proceed to steal Sean and back and forth, and it’s giving me vertigo. Sean could lay some ground rules about not doing that, and having them just wait until he approaches, but he doesn’t. Which is a shame because it would be nice for once for a Bachelor to take control at a cocktail party or group date and help the women avoid this forced stalker behavior.
We knew Kacie was a goner but then she seriously shows up at the party in a bizarre too-short scuba wetsuit-type dress. It actually looks to be made of neoprene, and has a neon zipper up the back. It’s so bad. That’s all I want discussed at the WTA.
Sean can’t give out a rose until he gets one more moment with Kacie. He brings a rose on their walk but actually is trying to let her leave with
dignity a slightly lesser amount of national shame. Although a rejection is a rejection so I don’t see why he’s doing it this way. The producers clearly made him carry a rose with him for no reason. Bad and wrong.
A bunch of girls get roses, including terrible Amanda.
Goodbye sayonara, green pool hair girl and spasticky midwestern model.
Robyn does something weird with chocolates and everyone hates Tierra at a roller derby.