Ugh, I couldn’t even bring myself to recap at first because I went to see Les Miz and then came home and watched this usual poo poo at 1am. That’s a double dose of BOR-ing and I needed some space to reflect on the crime of boringness.
So the show opens to Sean pumping iron. AND THEN SHOWERING. That’s a new one for Bachelor Universe I think. (Or did Jake Pavelka shower? He did get a mud bath.) I don’t even know what to say.
Chris B Harrison comes out in some chic navy plaid button down that makes me wish Possessionista wrote about the boys’ threads too. “Sean is probably the most sincere Bachelor we’ve ever had on this show” Chris reminds the ladies again. It will be funny on the next Bachelor season when he doesn’t say that about the dude.
Are You Ready to Fall in Love Today date with Sarah
Sarah is getting ready and tells the camera it’s “What’s on the inside of me is that’s important.” That is never true on the Bachelor, or pretty much anywhere else in life besides the dark.
She looks cute in a flowy hot pink tank top while a helicopter arrives outside the Womansion. And Kacie B is wowed by said helicopter. So apparently she hasn’t actually ever been on this show before.
Of course Sarah gets chosen to do the “physical” date. Sean is very central casting nice guy and so he would of course want to show that Sarah can do anything and I am not discriminatory. That would have been so crazy if he chose Sarah instead for a date to Walter Reed Hospital to visit with the amputee vets in PT. Or even crazier if he picked her for a round of Twister.
Sarah: “I think this is the biggest dream of my life come true so far.” (That sucks for you.)
“Free fall” means getting dropped while basically connected to bungee ropes without the pull-back. Look at Sarah’s perfect butt in that harness! The jump actually looks kind of awesome to me. I can’t believe I am feeling that way.
Then they have a drink on some low rooftop. Later she changes into some LBD and Sarah and Sean clink wine glasses and Sarah immediately launches into a story about trying to zip line in Vegas with her dad but state law prohibited anyone with disabilities from doing it. I think the moral of the story, from the best I can read Sarah’s words, is that her father told her she needs to find a strong man to share those difficult moments with to deal with them for her. I am aghast at this blow against feminism and able-bodyism but Sean’s response is that he is happy to be the protector. It’s sweet in a Southern Baptist Convention sort of way.
I just can’t shake that Sarah’s flat kind of midwestern/valleyish monotone is a little annoying but regardless Sean gives kind of a genereric lead in and then gives Sarah a rose. He tells us he has butterflies and they kiss! I actually didn’t think chaste Sean would go for it so early on. But they go for it all right.
Sarah: “I feel like I’m falling in love with Sean.”
Group date that may have some kind of play-on-words name but I missed it
13 girls go on this date but I’m not even going to name them because it’s still early days in the season and I don’t care. No one cheers when “Tierra” gets called on the date card, which is pretty funny. Hahahaha.
Yoga instructor natural curly-haired Katie is worried in a group setting she will be overshadowed by bigger personalities. *Foreshadowing alert.* Also, Twitter was on fire about her hair. I must say, it was daring of her to just let her hair do its thing. I think one day we need a full post just to discuss Bachelor/ette hair generally.
The group pulls up at a McErsatz Castle and inside they all learn they will be part of a photo shoot to be cover models for Harlequin novels to appear on 3 real book covers! The purpose of this date is to show us how in love with the profession Kristy is.
Not-Kool Kristy: This is my element. This is what I breathe. WEEEEEE. I’m ecstatic right now. This is a dream come true.
Random, but why is Tierra SO offended Kristy has extensions? “I’m au naturel, baby.” she says as some kind of dig against no one. My guess is Tierra has something fake on her body somewhere so she needs to clam it. She is like a one-woman hater against early stage female baldness. Some other girls are a-gossipin’ since they hate Tierra so much. In earshot: “tacky hos are a dime a dozen.” I need a quote board for the season.
Katie yoga girl got the shaft in the 4 possible dress-up categories by being a Tim Burton-esque vampire lady. The historical weirdos got the shaft too. I hate group dates anyway and then especially when they are so unjust.
Sean: “Lesley M (bare midriff cowgirl) has made a big impression on me. Maybe because I get to see another side.” And he wasn’t even trying for a double entendre.
And Lesley is not just a washboard of abs. Girl is funny too. On Tierra: “The eye of the hurricane is coming. Category 5.”
All the girls found Kristy’s glam scene hot. The 3-book cover deal gets awarded to her. Which seems unfair and also unnecessary. Then you must have all group date competitions where one person has the edge because of their profession. I can’t wait until the “Marketing” date! (Also, I mean to level the playing field, shouldn’t have Kristy had to be a historic vampire or something?)
Kristy sings operatically: Victory! (ugh)
Lesley M seems a little tomboyish which is cool. She asks Seany for a walk to have a chat but the first time I hear “to have a shot” which I think is so cool of her.
Sean to Lesley: Give me the real reason why you’re here, right now.
Lesley M: Um, honestly?
I know that word is used as a conversation pause, but it may have been a poor choice.
Sean laments that every time they have a moment, Lesley M changes the subject to something banal like the weather. (He didn’t use the word banal. But he probably meant to.) Lesley blew it on the kiss and then spends the rest of the party obsessed with getting him so chases him around later to steal him away from someone and then they have their kiss and she says “I just want to leave you with that.” I will give her credit for that.
Kacie B is either wearing a short dress or regular-length shirt. It sounds to me like Sean is trying to politely say he just wants to be friends with Kacie B but it’s hard to say.
Sean puts his hand on every girl’s knee. Tease.
Time with Catherine. “I want you to hear this from me: I’m vegan but I love the beef.” Sean is laughing pretty hard but I don’t get the joke. I can’t believe Sean gets something I don’t. I’m pouting now.
Tierra Time. “It’s hard to pursue a guy with 25 other girls… blah blah… out of my comfort zone blah blah.” Sean says: I really like you and want you to hang around.
Katie is blathering on about how uncomfortable she is in a group setting vying for a guy. She seems genuinely disconcerted she ended up in this situation. So she goes to talk to Sean about her concerns and bail. Obviously I am just looking at her hair.
The group date rose goes to Kacie B for “having the courage to go through this twice.” She thinks this means she’s out of friend zone now. I think a new spin-off series to the franchise should be for anyone that has already been on two seasons of some kind of Bachelor show and then in their third incarnation, it’s more like a Survivor set-up but all the challenges involve psychological games.
Tierra: I wanted to punch her.
Love is Priceless date with Desiree
After the date card read, some loser asks: “Are you excited?” Let’s quickly list the most inane questions you can ask after a date card is read:
- Are you going to go?
- Are you here for the right reasons?
- Will your journey be amazing?
- Do you want to trade with me?
- Are you excited?
Sean’s wearing plaid but later changes to a suit. Apparently Sean wants to set up a prank on Desiree. As we know, Sean’s a prankster.
These two have great natural, fun chemistry and it’s no surprise she is already a fan favorite to go far. And Sean, even with all his iron pumping, knows that looks are fleeting: “I want to be married to my best friend. And when we’re 80 and our looks have faded…” I forget what else he said but it may have been “I will trade you in for someone with a tighter rack.”
So supposedly the date is at an art gallery with an exhibit. The couple gets a “sneak peek of the piece de resistance”. Desiree is left alone in the room with hidden cameras. A woman explains the piece is about the Chernobyl disaster but, no offense, I think Des has no idea what that is because she keeps saying in a really upbeat tone “Interesting!” Then when the piece breaks, she keeps smiling and laughing so I feel like she knows she may be punk’d. In fact, why does she keep smiling and not seem that shocked or indignant during the reveal. She could have put more effort into making Sean feel hilarious and clever, is all I’m saying.
Back to Sean’s place for some dinner. Sean pulls steaks out of the oven that he did not cook himself. Des/Dez asks Sean about himself, which is a nice change. And he says: Born and raised in Dallas. Wonderful family. Very close to mom and dad. They have an incredible marriage. Well lo and behold, that is similar to Dez’s autobiography! They seem to genuinely bond over having happy, happily-married parents – so happily married in fact that the parents are best friends and take each other’s sides over their kids. It’s like when my hubs and I bonded over our parents’ long, drawn-out, cruel, and painful divorces. Just kidding! The divorces were medium in length.
They decide they too want to best friends and after Dez comes out in her bikini, I bet Sean will agree. She is putting the second F in BFF right now!
Sean: Love means not wanting to spend another day without the person. Marriage- want to protect, provide for and be a rock for my wife. Sean tells Dez a “secret” which is that he shaves all his body hair and also that she has seen every side of him and no one else has brought that out in him. I keep missing selected words because I am eating M&Ms and the internal chewing I am doing is pretty loud during this part. Sean is so in to her, the rose is just a formality. Dez, will you accept this formality? They heavily, heavily make out in the pool. Frontrunner.
“This is becoming more real.” Has someone created a tumblr yet of most overused phrases?
Sean makes a toast to furthering connections. Is he contractually obliged to make a toast? Wouldn’t it be more fun if it was like “Here’s to lots of thighs for me to rub on tonight!”
Lindsay blames champagne for being silly the other night in a wedding dress. Dad is a General in the Army which she describes as “awesome”. So apparently Petraeus is her dad. They also talk about marrying their best friends. There’s a lot of talk about marrying best friends. Another endorsement of gay marriage!
Sean calls Catherine’s personality “infectious”. CDC kind?
Sean seems flummoxed by having incredible connections with every single girl during every chat.
Amanda is the “dark cloud” in the room and pretends she’s deaf when directly asked a question by the one of the ladies. Maybe she really is deaf. Maybe it’s a Bachelor season of multiple disabled contestants.
Robyn brings up race. Oh no she di-int. “I am not sure if Sean is attracted to black females.” So she sort of asks him. Then Sean declares he LOVES this question! He says he doesn’t have a “type”. His exes have been Hispanic, Persian, black… (he’s had a lot of exes). Robyn then non sequiturs to Sean’s “big, distracting arms”. Then she keeps saying she feels better because Sean might like black women. I wish she had asked Sean if he is attracted to spazes.
Sean joke-lies to Selma that he is fluent in Farsi.
When he steals Amanda, she switches her On button and re-gains the gift of hearing. Turns her frowny upside-downy. Dez can’t handle the manipulation.
Chris B Harrison comes to save us all and Sean skulks off to “think”.
Sean says it’s an emotional roller coaster. (Remember when Blakeley once called it an emotional banana sandwich?)
Robyn HE LIKES BLACK WOMEN
Lesley M no longer has to shoot daggers from her blue eyeshadow
Catherine (I like that she kind of has a vintage name)
Kristy I AM ECSTATIC I GOT A HARLEQUIN ROMANCE CONTRACT I DESERVED IT
Taryn. You guys, her hair is GREEN from chlorine. It’s so bad. Rewind. Pause. Rewind. Pause.
Amanda. I just let out an audible sound of disgust.
Brooke looks so pretty with her calmed-down hair and cute, little peplum dress. Stupid Sean.
Diana is getting released by Sean to go back to her girls since he didn’t see anything with them. It could be her sourpuss face all night that did her in.
Previews for next week
There’s like a Sean hand on the thighs-cam.