bachelor sean episode 1 recap: god may be his copilot but his flight attendants are giving him lift-off!

Too much?

yes

The way to a Christian man’s heart every time.

First Things First: Welcome to our newest fan club member, Cara!

yes2

Now let’s get right down to this Sean business. Even seeing clips of the upcoming season involving him making out in the surf or on mountains makes me nervous. He is supposed to be a good Christian. But the guys in the New Testament weren’t monogamous, right? Is there a loophole for Sean?

Also in the previews – and this is a WOW – someone in the house is not who they seem.

Everyone wants to talk about Sean’s abs. But I want to talk about how he shaves all his body hair. It’s aerodynamic, and yet, not manly.

We are treated to a recap of Sean falling for Emily on her Bachelorette season. Look! There’s Sean in London giving a testimonial on love at Speaker’s Corner! Look! There’s Sean with Emily up against some wall making out! Look! There is Sean not getting a rose!

It’s sweet when Sean waxes wistfully about the amazing marriages of his parents and his sister/brother-in-law. And how much he loves his niece and nephew. But don’t the guys say this kind of stuff every season? I mean no one ever comes out of the gate being like, Marriage is for chumps and I am going to have so much hot tub sex you better get some extra KY! (Water is not really a lubricant. I have heard.)

Sean is good looking. Even though he’s blond! I am totally going to write those two sentences every post.

Arie comes over for a chat

Why is Sean chopping strawberries?

Why does Arie say nothing in response to Sean saying they boy got broken-hearted by the same girl?  But that’s a good point when Sean said it helped him get over Emily faster watching the season and seeing her connections with Arie and Jef. No one ever really says that and it actually makes sense. One point for Sean! I think I am going to like this boring insurance salesman from boring Dallas.

Wait, pause. Rewind. Arie is asking Sean how he breaks up with girls and he mutters something about how the show will be hard because he won’t be able to just “stop texting” them like he usually does to break up. Oh no, Sean Lowe. Uh uh. Nope. You are not that guy. I am going to assume I mis-heard something.

Then Arie gives a kissing lesson. And I would be lying if I said I wasn’t just a teeny bit disappointed that my husband didn’t look up from his laptop during the tutorial.

THE GIRLZ!

It’s intro packages and then limo time! And luckily Sean is wearing a chauffer tie.

In order of appearance on the show:

Desiree but you can call me Dez (even though Sean doesn’t) – Bridal stylist in LA. That’s a cool job. She seems cute and nice. And brought pennies as her intro gimmick so they could make a wish in the fountain! Kinda funny no one’s ever thought of that at the OTT Mansion where there is actually a fountain. Later, Sean and Desiree Dez have a little talk at the house that is cute and casual and easy and I am not surprised he gives her one of his going rogue cocktail party roses.

Tierra – I want to hate her name because I hate names that sound made up and trendy. Plus, she lives in Colorado so it’s like her parents definitely made it up because it rhymes with something nearby. BUT, maybe it’s okay. It is obviously better than the ten Ashley variations we have suffered through (no, really. Check out the name distribution on this franchise). (But actually, while we’re on the subject, Ashley started out as a man’s name historically. It’s so like America to just go all honey badger on the rest of the world. Ugh.) Tierra tells us she has had her heart broken twice. I never know why people share that kind of stuff. I mean, I don’t think it makes someone appealing that they have been rejected. TWICE. You’re not Taylor Swift, Tierra. You’re just Tierra. (But while we’re on the subject of Taylor Swift, I kind of hate too when girls get historically boy names. Is there no order to anything???) But this next part is cool. Tierra FREAKS THE FRACK OUT when the producer behind the camera tells her the Bachelor is going to be Sean. She seems genuinely elated by this fact. Tierra gets out of the limo being her appealing self and reveals her little partial heart tattoo she needs someone to close for her. Sean’s private parts compel him into the house to ask Chris B Harrison in his cute Seanotone (get it? Sean kind of speaks with a monotone!) if he can bend the rules. And thus #bachelornation’s collective mind is blown!!! Sean gives Tierra a first impression rose ON THE WET DRIVEWAY. He tells Chris later that he thinks Tierra is sweet, outgoing and has positive vibes and she made an impression on him. And then, this gem out of his mouth: “I am hoping it doesn’t create any tension among the girls.”

I don’t know, ya think?

One girl said it was “an animal attack on the eyeballs.” Faye and I didn’t know what that meant but it seemed troubling.

Sean got it later while live-tweeting the episode:

I definitely threw Tierra to the wolves with the first rose.

Robin – Is from Houston and seems like an admirable go-getter professional. She describes herself as quirky. She uses post-it notes around the house because she is trying to learn Spanish. She lives in Texas, right? I am confused. She comes out of the limo and falls during her back handspring. But sister is awesome because she takes it in stride, plays it off genuinely and later gets a cocktail party rose from Sean Going Rogue. (P.S. I did not call Robin “sister” because she is a lady of color. I called her “sister” because I am pretty sure she has a vagina. I don’t have any sisters so I am kind of new to the noun and its proper usage.)

Diana – Salt Lake City mom of two kids and owns a hair salon. Does she know Michelle Money? Gets a cocktail party rose, I think.

Sarah – Pretty girl is in advertising in LA. Born with only one arm. It sucks that she feels like Night 1 she has to give Sean a speech about her disability. Generally, it must suck to feel like you have to explain something preemptively when that “thing” is something you weren’t even consciously aware of acquiring when it happened. Sarah gets a cocktail party rose, which I think she deserved. At first I didn’t though because she seemed to have kind of a reserved almost-bitchy way of hanging out at the party. I don’t cut people slack. Arm or no arm. But then she warmed up when talking to Sean.

Ashley P – Ashley is a hair stylist in Detroit, Michigan who wears way too much gross make-up and is obsessed with Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey. Um, 2011 called and wants its trending pop culture news back. Ashley P gets wasted in the house later and is gross dancing and then speaks to Sean drunk and says her mom calls him her son-in-law already and then later she falls down some steps. I wonder what will happen at the rose ceremony?!

Lesley  M – Lesley M works in DC in political environmental consulting. Homegirl! It’s so rare to have Inside the Beltway people on this show and because I am from Inside The Beltway, I like it. Also, how cool to have a woman who works in political consulting. I mean, it’s not as novel on this show as hair stylist, model or “Marketing”, but I’ll take it. Problem is, Lesley M “doesn’t like nerds or politicians”. Honestly, there are a lot of those in DC. And lawyers. Holy crap, there are a lot of lawyers. Anyway, Lesley M’s heart belongs in Arkansas. She does a weird football pass thing with Sean and then says “I was just admiring the view.” And somehow it doesn’t come off terribly. But reverse the sexes and we would all be outraged. JS. (Btw, I shortened IJS to JS. I hope I thought of this first.)

Kristy – Kristy is a Ford model whose face looks ugly and masculine during part of the episode and that same face proclaims that “Girls will be jealous of me”. If you say so.

AshLee – No pun intended but I am a closeted Professional Organizer-lover. So as soon as AshLee’s occupation flashed on the screen, I felt like I would love her. Did you guys ever read that Berenstain Bears book when you were little about how the kids had to organize all their toys into shoeboxes? It kind of changed my life. AshLee has a terrible name in a multitude of ways, but since she grew up in 6 different foster homes, I am not going to quibble. AshLee lives in Houston but she redeems it with her amazing red dress on Night 1 and I like that she’s first out of the limo but pauses a beat and is super poised and makes Sean feel good and more comfortable right off the bat. He has a smitten look. She gets the third gone rogue cocktail party rose.

Jackie – She applies some red lipstick in front of Sean and then kisses his cheek to “makes her mark” on him. I kind of hate the maneuver but she gets a cocktail party rose later (I think) so whatever. Oh wait, I just checked her bio and she is a “Cosmetics Consultant.” Ok, it was more topical than I thought.

Selma – Selma comes out of the limo immediately following Jackie and pulls a tissue from her cleavage to wipe off the lipstick mark. So horribly staged. She was prepared with tissue stuffed into her dress and no assistant producers wiped the lipstick off Sean’s cheek in the first place. Which meant the writers really wanted us to have this little bit of comedy. Ugh. Why do you hate us, Mike Fleiss? Selma gets a cocktail party rose from gone-rogue Sean.

Leslie H – She just seems normal. Oh wait, did she refer to Sean as “Mr McSteamy”??. Wow, she pulled that one out of 2005. Gets a cocktail party rose. And if I am not mistaken, her on-line bio says she is a Poker Dealer.

Daniella – She teaches Sean a special handshake for the two of them. It’s like a way-worse version of this (you have to skip to second 45). It’s awkward and gross. But she lives another day.

Kelly from Nashville is a CRUISE SHIP ENTERTAINER. Let that sink in. No pun intended. I have been on cruises and I know that entertainers are vital and all- it’s just that Kelly is a caricature of one: horrible fake tan, terrible fake blonde hair and a cruise ship singing voice. Cruise ship entertaining is one step removed from being a singing character as Disney World. She could be really naturally beautiful but needs to tone it waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy down.

Katie is a yoga instructor. I hate her messy curly hair but then reign myself in because it’s nice to see someone working their natural style. I just feel like if she really cared though, she would dye her hair blonde and straighten it. Katie, why do you not care? She gets cocktail party rose.

Taryn – Sean weirdly says “you’re gorgeous” as soon as Taryn comes up. It’s just weird because he doesn’t really do that for anyone else. Taryn says she hasn’t watched the last seasons. Let’s repeat that: SHE HAS NOT WATCHED THE PAST SEASONS. Which is the only possible, reasonable explanation for why she then spends the rest of the night and season crying and complaining and carrying on about how she refuses to compete for a man, and where she’s from you don’t share your man. I don’t know why I am going to give her a pass on this but maybe she really has no idea how this whole thing works. Maybe during auditions, she was duped into believing it was a different kind of show. Maybe she slid into her formal cocktail attire and did a fancy hairdo on her chlorine-damaged green-tinted fake blonde hair because she thought she was about to pull up at a mansion where 26 men were awaiting and all the women would get paired off with them. Also, I am pretty sure Taryn says to Brooke at one point: “it would be impossible if [Sean] hadn’t noticed me”. Nothing is impossible with God. Okay, she’s right. It would have been impossible since Taryn spends part of the night crying and being crazy. She also says defiantly “I don’t fight over a guy.” Except when Sean offers her a rose in the rose ceremony, she accepts it. Apparently you do, Taryn. Now wear a bathing cap while swimming, for the love!

Catherine – Is from Seattle and calls Sean a hunk to his face. That word is sort of a throwback so it’s cute. She gets a cocktail party rose and clearly it’s because she taught us all some new slang this evening: mean muggin.

Lacey – She’s a graduate student and gives Sean a piece of lace cut into a heart to remember her. Honestly, A for effort. It didn’t work but she didn’t embarrass herself on national tv either.

Paige – Paige was the first “superfan” booted on Bachelor Pad 3. I can see how it could be saucy and exciting to let a Bachelor Pad alumni into this house. The problem is that Paige has never had a lot of tv personality. So basically producers blew their wad on the wrong person. Why couldn’t Booby Donna have come instead? Or those twins?! (No wait, the real twins, not Donna’s “twins”. I know that was confusing.) Anyway, Paige is so boring even though she has the totally non-boring job of being a “Jumbotron Operator”.

Amanda – Girl is a fit model. Her little meeting gimmick is that she says she and Sean should get their “awkward moment” out of the way by just having it right then and there. It is felt tremendously awkward and yet seems to have worked. Amanda is pretty with a big, open smile and she gets to stick around.

Keriann – I only know she drove from Boca Raton. She seems a little funky in her style, which I like. But, buh bye.

Brooke – Brooke is laying it on thick with her jewelry, her make-up and her dramatic way of speaking. Yet, Sean is undeterred and gives her a cocktail party breaking-the-rules rose.

Ashley H – Ashley H is a “fashion model” (as opposed to…?) and seems like she’s trying out for something. It’s either her pageant-y dress or the way she dramatically talks and coos but I know she is a goner second 1.

Lauren – Lauren is a journalist from Rhode Island. She is from a close-knit Italian family. In fact, her dad says via Lauren to Sean: “If you break [her] heart, [I’m] going to break your legs.” Sean does the only reasonable thing you can do at this point and doesn’t let Lauren make it past the night. Better luck next time with your come-on lines, Lauren. Also, my husband is right: she looks sort of Lady Gaga-ish. It must be the Italian-turned-blonde thing that never seems quite right.

Lindsay – Oh holy crap, Lindsay. I keep thinking she is insane and dumb and insane and dumb and insane, but then I can see from the previews to the upcoming season that she seems to make it pretty far. So either her nerves got the best of her Night 1 or Sean likes his girls cray cray with a side of Oh No You Didn’t. Either way, Lindsay the substitute teacher comes in WEARING A WEDDING DRESS. But actually, that’s not the half of it. That alone could be, um, ok. Maybe even sort of funny. But Lindsay belabors the point by assuring us she’s got balls (Sean is quick and says “I hope not”)  and then wonders endlessly whether Sean didn’t get the joke. Just in case HE DIDN’T GET THE JOKE HA HA HA HA HARDY HAR HAR, she later makes them have their first dance and tries to date-rape a kiss out of him. She’s a self-described “goofball”. Is that what it’s called these days?

Kacie B  from Ben Flajnak’s season – Her legs! That cleavage in a sheer paneled dress! One girl in the house conspiratorially whispers “her parents were the deal breaker.” Is that what happened on Ben’s season? I can’t even remember. I think Sean likes her. He alludes to when they hung out at one of those Bachelor alumni events in NYC now engineered I guess to cause hook-ups and marriages. Kacie B says after that she had a crush on him. This is like a better version of when Shawntel tried to come on to Ben’s season. Because Sean is more awesome than Ben.

At the end of the run of ladies, Sean takes a long moment and closes his eyes. We all speculate he is praying. But for what? Another limo? Chest hair? We will never know.

Cocktail Party

I can’t handle the lime on perched jauntily on the side of Sean’s drink while he’s lecturing to the ladies and toasting them. #notmanly

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison just called Sean “the most sincere Bachelor we have ever had on this show.” And how can I even comment on that when I can find it said more articulately on Twitter:

“Sean is probably the most sincere bachelor we’ve ever had on the show” -Chris Harrison No offense other less sincere bachelors.

The girls on this show never have short hair, do they? That is so bunk. We get lots of diversity in race this season and even some diversity amongst levels of being able-bodied but no one gets to have short hair? Boo.

Remaining roses to:

Amanda
Lesley M
Kacie
Kristy
Daniela
Taryn
Lindsay

The only awesome exit was Ashley P. She can’t wait to get back to Detroit and let the first guy she sees use a necktie on her a la Christian Grey. I hope she runs into Eminem first.

Previews from the season

Lindsay the girl dressed in a wedding dress gets far.

Desiree but you can call me Dez (even though Sean doesn’t)’s boyfriend from back home shows up. Interesting…

Taryn is a bitch.

Everyone hates Tierra and she may get pushed down the stairs at some point.

I guess that’s it

You guys, blogging takes me forEVER. I write two sentences and then spend an hour reading people’s Twitter feeds. Then I write two more sentences and then I spend an hour trying to read the gossip on Wet Paint without seeing spoilers. Then I write two sentences and then I spend an hour on Google Images to see which Bachelor producer is dating which past cast member with Instagram as the proof. I can’t handle it. When I am back living in EST, I am just going to live-tweet incessantly until ChrisBHarrison RTs something I said. When that happens my life will be complete and I will ride off into the sunset and you will never hear from me again until Bachelor Pad is airing.

Until then, let’s discuss Sean!

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11 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

11 responses to “bachelor sean episode 1 recap: god may be his copilot but his flight attendants are giving him lift-off!

  1. Gillian

    Yay!!

    Such a great opener Yael! (Technically not the opener I guess but I didn’t get to read the precap beyond the word precap which totally IS all sorts of clever!)

    I just put my daughter down and am on my phone and need to hightail it to the couch for some quality tele before bed, but….rull quick…Tierra is totally Jessica Simpson! Like totes in the face and shortness and big boobedness right? And you could totes tell she is gonna be a byotch when Sean ran into the house to get the rose and she let her face come to neutral and she looked so mean! You know what I mean? Like I think truly nice smiley people don’t look like total bizzos the minute they think no one is watching.

    And the only other thing I will leave you with is that if I only had one arm I think I would be way more schticky about it like I really wanted her to say “so I wanted to talk to you about something important…I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable…but as you have probably noticed…I have ridiculously beautiful blue eyes”. Or something right?!? But maybe it is totally terrible of me to expect differently abled people to have a sense of humor about it. She clearly doesn’t. And really it would suck.

    That’s all I got

    • yael

      Wait, that is such a good point about Tierra. She really did start to look mean fug when Sean wan into the house for the rose. And it wasn’t nervous fug, it was mean fug.

      As Kristen Baldwin, Best Recapper Ever, so eloquently put it and I paraphrase, it’s good to know there is true equality in that even differently-abled people can kind of suck and do inane things like go on The Bachelor.

  2. Elizabeth

    How did wedding dress Lindsay make it through? How?

    I’m loving how quick-witted Sean is. We saw none of that in Emily’s season.

    • yael

      I’m going to chalk Lindsay up to deceptive editing. Like we only got to see her Krazy. Because it looks like she gets far and Sean doesn’t seem like a dummy with bad taste (like Ben the Douche).

  3. Mere

    Great recap, Yael. Is it weird that the main thing I took away from the show (admittedly, I don’t watch the first episode very carefully since I can never keep track of all the contestants) was that Paige is a “Jumbotron Operator”? How does one become a Jumbotron Operator and what exactly does it involve? I guess we’ll never know since she got kicked to the curb night one. Looking forward to next week!

    • yael

      That was one of my main takeaways too so not too weird 🙂 But my question was more around: What does a Jumbotron operator actually DO? Like I imagine her sitting at a control booth and just clicking the “+” button every time someone scores. I mean, can that be it? Or is she also screening the KissCam shots?

  4. Noelle

    You are amazing. Once I’m done spending my weekend looking forward to Monday nights, I spend my week looking forward to your posts. And then I email quotes to my girlfriends for the latter half of the week to get us all geared up for Monday…

    • yael

      Hi Noelle! Girlfriend, I feel we are soul mates. Primarily because for both of us most of our week revolves around thinking about Bachelor-related things. That makes for a good life, if I do say so myself. Look forward to this season’s journey with you!

  5. Bach Fan

    My take away from the show is that Sean might have a sense of humor! We appreciate your blog. You are so funny!

  6. Sandra Russell

    I loved Kacie B. during Ben’s season, not such a fan of hers now….What happened to her?

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