The beginning voiceover recap as Emily boats into Curacao is annoying and boring BUT her royal blue maxi dress is the bomb and of course the island is major eye candy. After rain-drenched castles and too many sparkly dresses, both are a welcome sight for me.
I think the order of the recaps and dates is always important and this one from Emily goes: Sean, Jef “and then there’s Arie.”
Emily has WAY too much eye make-up for a Caribbean island. That’s always a pet peeve of mine.
Emily is busy writing in the sand: “Emily + ?” and then a strategically-placed wave by the production team comes and wipes the question mark away. I don’t know what this means actually. Does it mean she ends up alone? It could be foreshadowing for next week’s previews.
NO HE IS NOT WEARING A VERY-DEEP V ROYAL BLUE TEE WITH ROYAL BLUE ESPADRILLES. And pink shorts. It makes me want to die. I already know he’s a goner because he gets the first overnight date and the person with the first overnight date always gets cut- but just in case this outfit nails the coffin shut.
Emily, on the other hand, is wearing a cool blue/white sort of but not really tie-dye shirt with an open back. I really like it.
They go to their own private island on a helicopter. Helicopter! She had this date with Brad, right? Their beach convo is so boring and awful. Sean squints in the sun a lot as usual. They talk about Sean and his ex’s relationship of three years. She wasn’t the one. They’re buddies. Emily seems really concerned about whether Sean can man up and say I Love You or not. She he says:
I’m crazy about you… um, I forgot what I was going to say. I saw some snorkel stuff in a bag.
There doesn’t seem to be a lot of undeniable heat on the date so it’s all kind of a foregone conclusion but they have dinner on the beach that they don’t eat later anyway. Emily has a cool deep-cut patterned beach dress and Sean is wearing yet another boring v-neck – this time white. He is being so sweet and talking about how his dad is the best role model and then he reads this perfect letter to Ricki about how he will always love her and she will be his daughter and her mom makes him so happy. It’s actually a very beautiful sentiment to go along with Sean’s perfect handwriting. Emily, on the other hand, is not acting like he’s The One. Her eyes and pursed lips betray her. If the love of your life just read that letter, you might become a puddle of tears. She says something curious then, like: “Ricki will always treasure this letter.” Um, no, not true at all. Can you imagine keeping a letter forever written from a strange man you never meet about how he loves you?
Because the girls on this show never seem to know how to honestly reject a man (aka: “You’re just not the one”), Emily as usual just continues to say Sean is the “perfect man”. Death knell. Sean: “I have fallen in love with you.” Not to be nitpicky to a man about to get his heart crushed, but I feel like it wasn’t that courageous to say it in the past tense.
They kiss and OH MY GOSH REWIND AND WATCH SEAN’S LEFT ARM DURING THE KISS. I am laughing so hard out loud.
Emily gives Sean the fantasy suite card and he sort of plays the good Christian Southern boy and says he would be happy for the opportunity to stay up and “talk”. They talk go in the hot tub and then soon after she boots him out because staying over is not in line with the values she wants to set for her daughter. Later with the other men I realize this whole routine of hers is very staged (I know, so crazy for something to be staged on this show). She wants to be all coy and invite the men for a night and then she wants to be able to deliver the speech later about they have to go because she needs to be a role model to her daughter. I commend the sentiment but then why invite the guys in the first place? It feels like a trap or test, or worse a dramatic way that Emily can show off she is so virtuous. Whatever it is, I don’t love it.
His opening montage is that he isn’t sure things could work out for them. Wha?!
Emily is wearing a hot pink cover up that is bold and cute. The two of them seem palpably happy to see each other.
Oh lord, Jef paddle surfs Emily in to the beach. I want to hump him. And her too, to be honest. With her braid and the paddle surfing, viewing buddy Jen is right that it all looks a little Bo Derek from 10.
Jef: “I love this girl. I want to spend every day with this girl as though it’s our last. She is the most amazing, beautiful girl ever.”
The thing is, Emily is just ebullient when she’s around Jef. It’s so much fun to watch except for the very real possibility she is misleading him. Which is always the worst part about this show: how everyone has to essentially become a master of deception.
For dinner I feel like Emily’s geometric Aztec sparkly All Saints dress is all wrong. It’s kind of a significant irritation of mine when just because something is on trend, the stylists assume it should be shoved in front of the camera. Real fashion (and obviously I am the expert. Have you seen my Old Navy tees??) should pay a great deal of respect to setting, right? This is the Caribbean for the love. Pull out that flowy maxi dress you wore at the outset. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it with a fad.
I am trying to pay attention to Jef’s probing questions for Emily but I am thinking instead about kissing his perfect lips. That’s not wrong, right?
The two agree they want a fresh start on where to live. Emily: “You ignite a self-confidence in me I haven’t had in a long time.” Jef asks whether he would be a good fit for Ricki. In Emily’s answer she says he was the guy she imagined in her house when she was taking care of Ricki recently. Mark that down on the list of awful lines to feed someone if you know you’re not going to choose them. Along with pressuring Sean to tell her she loves him.
She presents Jef the fantasy suite card and he declines because he’s (a) Mormon (b) a gentleman (c) concerned about his image and the fact that his family is watching (d) wants to pass Emily’s test. Emily can’t believe Jef got to reject her bedroom advances before she got to do the bait and switch and reject him. She actually seems mildly annoyed about it.
Can someone confirm whether he is wearing the same blue and white thin-striped bathing suit Sean was? Ha.
They don’t even pause to say hello and just make out and dry hump for a while on a catamaran. And then they swim with dolphins.
Emily and Arie make out and look at each other like they’re already engaged- like they’re just waiting for this whole thing to wrap so they can do it all day long (hope someone babysits Ricki). They stare and caress and cry and are very handsy constantly. I know the whole viewing public is also getting a little hot and bothered. I have absolutely nothing against Arie. I actually think he is incredibly handsome and seems like a genuinely nice, caring guy. It’s just that I have always really liked Emily and it just seems very unladylike to lead other guys on. I know she is contractually-obliged to do so but she’s a tough cookie. If anyone could have changed the rules of the show, it would have been Emily.
As I type this, they are basically making out on the catamaran (dolphin-riding porn always does it for me too) and Emily is saying it will be so hard to not have the overnight with Arie.
Later at dinner she says something to the camera about falling in love. She has never said that about any other guy. And she is only concerned about what Arie does on a Tuesday morning, and no one else. (Also, look at Emily’s straightened hair and sleek white outfit. She brought out her A-game for this date.) Even though I crush on Jef, I do think Arie’s a good guy – I think his answer on first being a buddy to Ricki and then fulfilling a father figure role later on is so astute and right-on. I know he knows this stuff because he once dated a mom and got her name tattooed along half his arm.
Emily: “You have made all of this so much easier.” Code for the usual scenario where the person has known all along who they want.
She also keeps talking about how hot Arie is (stupid hot) and how she is trying to exert self-control to not sleep over with him. Then she starts crying she is sending two guys home. At this point she can’t end up with either of the other guys because if she did, watching this scene back would make them want to dump her anyway.
And then… scandal… SHE NEVER PRESENTS THE FANTASY SUITE CARD TO ARIE ON CAMERA and the editing immediately cuts to the next day with Chris Harrison. The tramp slept over with Arie and asked the producers to cut it! No seriously. We should all be outraged about this! Where did all that footage go?!
Sit down with Chris Harrison/Weepy contemplation time
Emily is wearing the dumb fake pony tail again and Jen is right she looks like Holly Madison with her hair pulled back. And then she’s sad about having to break someone’s heart and a bunch of other stuff that I tuned out. She is crying and for one minute I see a human empathic side to Chris Harrison. I feel like he almost squeezed out a tear. Cue the private personal video messages!
Sean’s video: Emily is giving a stone cold look of death.
Jef’s video: She gives a look of despair at one point.
Arie’s video: She tries to keep the poker face but in emotion is getting to her. Tears.
God Bless Emily she is heartbroken at having to break someone’s heart.
Rose Ceremony outfits
This is not Emily’s best. Not at all. I think the wifebeater tank, sparkly long skirt, hair pulled severely back on the head, jumble of necklaces and usual overdone make-up is again all wrong for the Caribbean. And it’s just not even that flattering on her. Even if it’s true she looks like Holly Madison at this point. I never even thought Holly Madison was that pretty, so there you go.
Sean is too relaxed with untucked shirt and hand in his pockets and all garments so loose. Arie kills it with fitted Euro tailoring and clean tuck etc. But Jef, be still my heart, wears a skinny tie. Ever the hot hipster.
The immediate expression on Sean’s face is so telling. Shock. Grave disappointment. We feel your pain good guy, even though we all saw it coming.
Men Tell All. It was lame they never actually showed the MTA but just recaps from the season.
Something crazy happens in the finale. I think maybe Emily pulls a Brad 1 and sends them both home. What do you think?
Oh yeah, brackets
Since everyone but Kelley has Arie for the win, no matter what the standings will be in the same order at the finale.
I had Doug as one of the final two. I don’t even know what to say about that.