Oh holy, the previews make this look better than your run-of-the-mill hometown dates.
A limo brings Emily home from cold, rainy, boring Europe in the dark. She has a reunion with Ricki. I honestly cry for a second. More than a few. Thank goodness for Emily as Bachelorette because it’s really nice seeing a parent on this show. No time for bullshit. Or less time at least.
Emily then recaps the four remaining guys. I always think order on this show is important. So her recap is: Chris (I forget what she says), Jef (unique, adventure), Arie (fun and excitement, so attracted to him, bad boy edge, first kiss was perfect, guys like Arie are really hard to find, would adore me forever) and Sean (makes me feel safe, life would be great).
I like how after tucking Ricki into bed, Emily is checking the windows and locking the door. THERE IS STILL A DANGEROUS CAMERA CREW IN YOUR HOUSE!
Chicago hometown date with Chris
When they greet they’re not very handsy so I don’t know. I feel like Chris is always very nervous and awkward which I guess is nice because it’s very real. But geez, he’s a nervous nelly. Chris is real Chicago because his family is Polish and he is first generation American. I kind of hope they will eat some kielbasa and pierogi or something, but maybe that’s just because now it’s what I’m hungry for now. Chris gives the lowdown on his close-knit family and reveals he’s a momma’s boy. Also, what’s the point of going to a Polish restaurant if you’re just ordering beers. Kielbasa now, damnit!
Off to Hanover Park. The family squeals and Emily stays more calm and sticks her hand out to shake. Hmm. I feel bad the family got one of those ugly flower arrangements for the dining room table that people think work on camera. Dad has a chat alone with Emily. She wants to know if Chris is ready to inherit a 6 year-old. I feel like Dad really doesn’t answer. Mom tells Chris to get out there and kick ass and fight for Emily. Chris says he has the best mom in the whole world. Cue my waterworks, again! Big Sis Renee asks Emily not to drag it out if Chris isn’t the one. It’s so nice of her to be so protective, but clearly she doesn’t know how ABC production works.
Chris holds Emily in front of the exit vehicle and tells Emily he is in love with her. The way she kisses him and looks at him and uses her hand, I think she may reciprocate. Emily is beguiling that way. Sometimes you can tell how she feels, sometimes you can’t. But why use your hands during the kiss if you’re going to boot the guy? I digress. Chris surprises Emily with a party full of loved ones and Polish music and dancing. That’s cute. I was thinking before the whole date was a little boring. So way to step it up, Chris.
St. George, Utah hometown date with Jef
If I didn’t already have a big enough crush on Jef, he takes Emily to his family’s property, Holmstead Ranch, by National Forest in St. George. I have actually been to St. George for a wedding, and it does really look this ridiculous. Oh crap, I want to marry Jef now. The cute couple gets into some dune buggy Jeep thing. Then they stop go clay pigeon shooting. Jef is a “little bit country” which is good for Emily and her West Va hood rat thing. Emily is coy about using the gun but then nails the clay pigeons each and every time. I am sure nothing was edited. The two of them get so hot for each other while each handling a gun. I feel like a voyeur in a weird fetish room but the whole thing is cute anyway.
Re the parents: “They’re in South Carolina doing charity work.” Jef is not fooling anyone. They are converting a bunch of people to LDS. Emily is nervous because Jef broke up with an ex when his parents didn’t like her. And Ricki is proof Emily has had premarital sex. Sigh.
How cute is Emily’s flowy white dress and cowboy boots?
A million siblings and children emerge. And they’re all blonde which is shocking in Utah. Steve the older brother does a lemonade cheers and they all laugh. Mormon humor! Steve eventually gives his seal of approval. Then it’s the sisters’ turn. When Emily asks them if Jef is ready for a family, there is a very telling pause. But they all soften up and when Emily gives one of the little kids a cuddle at the end, the girls are on board. Steve though is doubting Jef. He suggests maybe the bottled water company CEO maybe isn’t ready for a family.
Jef takes Emily to an outrageously scenic panoramic overlook and he reads a letter to Emily he wrote on the plane home from Prague. And although Jef never looks up at Emily and makes eye contact while reading, I cry for like the 9th time this episode. He talks about all the things he wants to teach Ricki and all the ways he will be there for her and how he will love Emily forever. JEF FOR NEXT BACHELOR (if he doesn’t win). Emily clearly is bowled over and smitten and calls the day “perfect”.
Scottsdale hometown date with Arie
Emily meets Arie at the Phoenix Raceway while Arie is racing around, showing off. This is Emily’s first time in the Indy world. I love how Emily walks up in her racing suit but with the top hanging off so her boobs in their tight tank top still get some airtime.
After a whiz around the racetrack, they throw down a picnic blanket at a grassy spot in town and Arie expresses nervousness that his parents are so European (Dutch) and have open values and Emily is so all-American (and I guess basically insinuating she is conservative). Arie is most nervous about his mom.
Can we talk for a second about mom Mieke, and those CA-UTE Justin Bieber-haired twin brothers, Luca and Alec?!! Has Mieke had work done? It’s weird for me that I can’t tell. They all start speaking Dutch. I love it because Dutch is the ugliest-sounding language on Earth, right behind Vietnamese.
Mom takes Emily aside and grills her because she had seen her season with Brad. That must be a little weird when your prospective in-laws have already watched a tv series starring you. But Mom softens and they bond over considering the good/bad life of a race car driver’s wife.
Also, it’s not creepy at all when Arie Sr says he also “likes Emily’s little Southern accent too hee hee hee.”
Dallas, Texas hometown date with Sean
Sean’s got two great dogs so I’m sold so far.
Sean made a promise after an ex he didn’t love that he will “never let a woman give herself to him if he can’t reciprocate.” It may be a euphemism but ok, point taken.
They head over to his parents. Is it like a prerequisite for this show to be wealthy? The house is beautiful on the outside. Not my taste on the inside, but whatever. They clearly have some cash. The “perfect” family awaits replete with squealing little niece, Kensington and nephew, Smith. Those that know me well know how angry those two kid names just made me. I will get over it though. I like Sean and I like Emily and giving children trendy-sounding names is not yet codified in the US to be a criminal act. One day, maybe.
Sean is getting ready for a big reveal. After a dramatic pause and stricken looks on the faces of his family members, Sean admits he still lives with his parents. “I don’t need to live here. I just feel more comfortable here.” I am dying inside because that’s the worst possible reason to live at home.
And clearly Emily is suffering with this news. And then Sean makes the terrible mistake of bringing Emily to his bedroom at his parents and it’s a mess and there are stuffed animals everywhere. Sean says: “I wish my mom had picked up a little.” So he lives at home, is messy and thinks his mom should do his dirty work. Three strikes! And then Sean says he’s kidding. And I actually laughed out loud because um, it was kind of funny. Although it is always nerve-wracking when someone is such a good liar. Let’s just hope Sean always uses that talent for good, not evil.
Sean has a chat with his dad who “taught him how to be a man” and who he clearly admires and greatly respects. His dad is cute and sweet in his sit-down chats and cargo shorts. Mom is naturally attractive and her Southern accent rivals Emily’s.
When Sean is seeing Emily off, she says “I’m going to miss you” like five times so I would be surprised if she sends him home this week. He runs after the car for one last kiss. Lately I feel like Sean just wants to run on camera. He has probably been working extra hard on his glutes or something.
I like how Chris Harrison says “Welcome to the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills.” So douchey. Also, why does this 5 minute segment have to be taped in LA? How annoying to fly everyone there. Just do it in Charlotte, jeez.
Emily is wearing another bad dress with bedazzling. Even though it’s royal blue, I can’t salvage this one.
Emily debriefs the dates: Chris told me he loves me. With Jef I immediately felt at home in Utah. Arie told me he loves me. Date with Sean went perfect. Or something to that effect.
I can’t discern anything from Emily’s poker face though. Usually after hometowns you know you will get axed because there was no evident chemistry or the person’s family was a disaster. But all the families were great and Emily seemed genuinely into all the guys. She makes this hard. Roses to:
I guess if pressed I would have known she was cutting Chris. It’s just that she made the point in Chicago to give him some cuddly kissy love and maybe she shouldn’t have done that.
Chris doesn’t take it well but I like that in the sense it means he was genuine and is surprised. He actually asks her what it was. I am so glad for that because I think it’s bizarre when people just storm off in a fit. I mean, of course deep down everyone wants to know why they’re rejected.
Chris: “I am ten times the man of all those dudes still there.” Um, is that even remotely true and was it necessary?
Peviews for Curacao
Emily makes out with all of them but I think she tells Arie at one point he is the light at the end of the tunnel in the whole thing for her. Did I hear that right? Groan.
This season Emily is so good at seeming happy and in love with everyone and the guys are such good guys that I kind of just want to read a spoiler. The suspense is killing me!
Well, that’s it until next week. I am off to have some steamed armadillo. HAHAHAHAHAHA. (Sean’s family is so wholesome, even their practical jokes are G-rated and don’t last very long.)
So apparently Sean is a major sleeper hit since none of us had him going past Week 5 except for Jen. Jen’s good instincts also mean she’s well in the lead with 15 total points so far. In fact, the winner overall has to be Jen or Meghan since everyone else but those two only even have one last person standing possible for the Top Two after overnight dates. It’s interesting to see how many of us had Ryan and Doug going really far. And like I said, no one expected this from Sean. It’s good to see the Greatest Worst Show in History is keeping everyone on their toes. Total points are: