Now we’re in Prague. But no one will explain why the show has dispensed with the cartoon map and cartoon plane and frankly, I am feeling lost without it. And also, shocker, the show films in Prague in winter so it basically looks miserable the whole time.
Emily checks into the very non-glamorous looking Golden Well Hotel and proclaims “I feel like I’m back in the olden days!” The comment is wrong on so many levels but as I’m ever an Emily Maynard fan, I let it slide.
The remaining 6 men roll up in front of some palace to get a speech from Chris Harrison about how this is the most important week of their lives (no seriously, that’s how he makes it sound) because the 4 men who make it out alive get hometown dates. There will be 3 1-on-1 dates and 1 group date this week. And the first one goes to Arie. I may have lost count but is this his third?
Let’s Czech Out Prague Together date with Arie
Emily walks in to the mens’ hotel suite with her tour book. I actually think she might genuinely be the first star of the show that wanted to follow along in her travels with guidebooks and so I’ll just add that to the list of things I like about Emily.
For her date with Arie, Emily wants to pretend she is “on vacation with my husband.” Comments like this stress me out. People, people! Some of us practically give up our whole lives to faithfully watch this show. We eschew sleep and childcare responsibilities. We eat poorly and spend too much time staring at a computer. Our vocabularies suffer and our work productivity on Tuesdays hits an all-time low. Please, keep the illusion that the outcome is not decided!
Arie to a Czech streetseller of hot wine: ENGLISH? ENGLISH? ENGLISH? NO? ENGLISH? A LITTLE? Two hot wines.
ENGLISH? ENGLISH? ENGLISH? ENGLISH? I’m calling bullshit on the hot wine seller. I bet he speaks English but not if you’re yelling ENGLISH? at him. As they’re walking around, Emily is looking up at Arie all moony-eyed and keeps wanting to kiss on him. And then all of a sudden she tells us that “I know something about Arie he doesn’t know I know” or something. This is where my whiplash starts.
They rub a dog on a statue that is a symbol for loyalty. Emily decides this will be her segue into a very passive aggressive interrogation about whether Arie keeps secrets and is trustworthy.
Because, as Chris Harrison tells us in a sped-up voice, Arie had a BRIEF relationship with Bachelor producer Cassie Lambert. The editing now is so botched that I have no idea what just hit me. There is like a time-space continuum involving cold, dark Prague and sunny California and Chris Harrison looking serious and rushed and Emily’s veneers looking in love and concerned.
And then after the commercial break: whiplash again. Even though we were just in chilly Prague, Chris Harrison is standing in sun-drenched LA telling us about Arie’s past VERY BRIEF romantic relationship several years ago with Bachelor producer Cassie Lambert. Cassie decided to tell Emily when she saw Emily was developing real feelings.
I have so many questions. Why is Chris Harrison filming his little bits in front of the LA mansion? I mean, couldn’t it just be in a nondescript room somewhere? Why does the show try to speed through this and edit it to look like NBD when in much less drama-worthy instances (case in point was when the entire production confronted Casey during Ben’s season and practically beat her over the head with a clip on microphone until she confessed that she was 1% confused her ex-boyfriend)? And how and why did Arie get cast? Is it just a coincidence?
And then, in a line that riled me up and the blogosphere, Emily says on camera to Cassie: “This is not a production thing. This is a real life thing.” And a million people scratch their heads in disbelief. YOU MEAN THOSE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS?
And we get back to Emily and Arie hanging out and she is grilling him on whether he is trustworthy. Arie keeps talking about how he’s upfront and honest. This whole exchange is a little painful. No secrets! Arie decides he’s going to get honest: he had the name of the mom with two kids tattooed on his arm. And then got it covered up. Emily is too focused on the producer thing on her mind to even process what he just said.
Now we’re back in LA. Whiplash! Chris Harrison is standing in the shining sun and telling us that the three of them had an honest conversation off camera and that they worked everything out. Why off camera? Is anything on this show ever off camera? Everyone who works on this show is a dirty whore.
Whiplash takes us back to a romantic evening on the water in Prague where Emily is wearing where too much shiny gaudy jewelry and make up and she and Arie are kissing and telling each other how obsessed with each other they are again. And as always, Emily is basically telling Arie he’s getting a rose because she’s planning her outfit for when she meets his family.
Arie tells Emily he’s in love with her. I believe him. She clearly reciprocates so now I just feel bad for the rest of the guys and the rest of the show. And cue fireworks!
Oh wait. I know Emily ignored it, but one last thing: you guys, Arie had his former girlfriend’s name tattooed on his arm when they were dating. Then he got it covered up when they broke up. Have you seen his current arm tattoo? It’s ginormous. How big was this girlfriend’s name? I am going to call Really Bad Judgment on that one. And you know what? That’s a deal breaker for me. Just in case Arie was considering me in his league. Uh uh. No way. That is Sketch City to tattoo your entire arm with your girlfriend’s name. Not wife. Girlfriend. I can’t believe it’s down to this guy and a Mormon.
In Prague, All You Need Is Love date with John (notice how he’s dropped “Wolf”?)
John to Emily: “You look awesome.” Do pleated khaki pants come with that terrible adjective?
The Date/Data Destruction Specialist is DOA after Emily’s last night with Arie. But he doesn’t know that. So they board a boat and go deep. John apparently gets his hard shell from his dad. Now they come upon some John Lennon wall and Emily explains about the oppression during Communism and desire for music. (She is so worldly!) They paint a boat and Beatles lyrics. THEN they come upon a wall where you’re supposed to put a lock on the gate to solidify love. How did this show find every clichéd symbolic love activity in every city? I have been to these places and never heard of this horse shit.
Back at the ranch
Chris is melting down. Did Jef just say “emotional roller coaster”? Ugh.
Emily and John go have dinner in a dungeon. Emily’s hair looks very pretty pulled back. John tells a story that’s a little too long about how his girlfriend cheated on him. They’re just chatting like two friends. John says that if Emily gets to meet his parents, it will be a sealed deal. Oh sweet John, you need to seal it before mom and dad. “I’m not a starter. I’m a closer.” he says. He leans in for a kiss and Em makes it pretty obvious end it has zero romance. She is like 5 feet away and keeps her hand on her knee. These are always so painful, aren’t they? But Wolf gets home anyway and tells the guys the date “was a ten” so my guess his he’s not bothered by Emily’s aversion to him. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT.
And then (drumroll)
Sean is adorable and can’t handle watching other people return home from dates with his true love so he runs out into the streets of Prague shouting Emily’s name. Although the producers made it super easy for Arie to get a surprise extra visit with Emily the other night, they make Sean aimlessly run for an extra two minutes before they steer him to Emily. Alone. On an abandoned street. And Sean’s all “why are you walking all alone?!” and Emily gets this coy little smile. Which was code for: because this is for the PRODUCTION, not real life.
Anyway. Sean is so cute. Emily is so happy. I might be a convert to a blond. They go into a restaurant and Emily is borderline giddy. (Poor John. Just the other night he had to watch his date of death sandwiched between true love with Arie and an illicit romp with Sean.) But this is so cute cause they’re just sitting there making out and so happy. I kind of want Sean to win. Jef is my favorite, but I think as a union, those two would have the best chance of success. They make out against a wall. Oh holy, the wall love on this season!
Oh, but more questions: Where do the guys think Sean is right now?? I am confused how they cannot know he left when they were all just sitting around the living room together and then all of a sudden he was gone for an hour.
Let’s Find Our Happily Ever After group date with Sean, Doug and Chris
Sean and Emily are both wearing pink! (They planned it last night.) The group boards a horse-drawn carriage to the top of a hill where there is a 13th century castle (according to Emily).
Chris won’t stop talking about how angry and pissed and unhappy he is that he never gets one-on-one dates. But to his credit, Doug is super happy! He is so happy to be in a castle! And he gives a toast to Emily about how gracious she is! He is happy personified! They have a little alone time by a stained glass window and Mr. Happy Doug has his arms crossed. It’s always so awkward watching his body language. Does anyone else think maybe he’s in the closet?
Emily – because she is a smart, efficient, real bachelorette – decides to cut Doug loose. But not before he – WEIRDO THAT HE IS – leans in aggressively to kiss her in the rain. It bordered on Jamie lap dance territory, you know what I mean? This is painful. But then poor Doug feels embarrassed and says “Have a good one.” And later in the reject van: “I think my girl radar is just totally broken.” Yes, yes it is.
Oh, should we ask some more questions? Why was there a van waiting? How does this show work?
Then Emily basically ends up on a 2-on-1 date with Chris and Sean. Then there is some dumb thing where the men need a key to open up a spot for some alone time. Sean gets it first. Curses to Chris! But then it’s Chris’s turn. Who is “at a boiling point” and decides to start his alone time with Emily by saying he is upset with her. That really sets the mood, buddy! Emily is recoiling backwards when they kiss. Hahahaha. You can always tell what’s on Emily’s mind where her hands are during smoochy time.
RIGHT after they get back from kissing, Emily gives the group date rose to Sean and says something like “This is the person whose family I’m ready to meet.” And even better she says to Chris “I hope you don’t take it personally.” Just the timing of it all is a little harsh.
Later Chris says, “If I don’t get a hometown date, I’ll be scared for anyone around me.” I do think it’s time to cut Chris and his anger management issues loose. The guys can’t really stand him either- whether’s he’s happy or miserable.
This is a Chance to Pull at my Heartstrings date with Jef
Emily picks up Jef and now I’m happy. His personality is just enjoyable to watch.
A marionette store owner invites them in.
Wait, let’s dissect that for a minute. The name of the date on the date card alludes to marionettes so why couldn’t it just be the date is that they go to the store? Why do they have to pretend they are casually walking down a street when a marionette owner happens to beckon them in? I wish you guys could have just heard my perturbed sigh out loud.
Back to the date. Jef actually works the Michael Jackson marionette pretty well. Then they buy a marionette couple and he runs back in to buy a Ricki one. I actually put my hand on my chest when he did that! That Jef.
They walk into this gorgeous library with frescoed ceilings and the show finally stopped pissing me off for a second because it really is a beautiful setting. Jef and Emily do a marionette show and it’s like watching them play with dolls and it’s kind of creepy adorable. You know how some ventriloquists can express themselves better through their puppets? Apparently that is Jef with marionettes.
Jef as mustachioed wooden doll: I am 1 million percent in love with you. Can we get a dog together?
I love him. I do. But WHO DOES EMILY LIKE? She is confounding me this season. Usually you know who has it in the bag by now!
Jef, who lives in SLC, is vague about why his parents are committed in South Carolina for a few years but we all know it’s because they are Mormon missionaries. My guess is that’s why his sister is in China too. I can’t wait for this hometown date.
They have this adorable conversation while laying on the floor about whether they should live together before marriage and when they want kids and whether Jef would be a pushover dad.
“I want to date you so hard and marry the f*ck out of you.”
They are going to drag this boring crap out. I actually wish two guys were going home. Even Emily senses it and tells Chris Harrison she doesn’t want to bother with a cocktail party.
Chris starts to wander around and cry. John says he’s not worried because he “knocked it out of the park” on their date (um, that’s a weird thing to say even if it couldn’t be farther from the truth).
Emily’s shiny royal blue halter dress is really pretty.
Sean had one
Chris says “I really need to talk to you, Emily!” He then apologizes for his immature behavior on the group date and says something like “I would be lying if I didn’t say I was in love with you” or something. The double negative is throwing me off.
And the final rose goes to…
Chris is intense and ridiculous and needs to go home but I get it that she knew for sure she didn’t have what she needed with John Wolf. But she should have pulled one of her bold signature moves and sent Chris home too.
God bless Emily, she struggles after hometowns dates at the prospect of hurting someone. Can I say for the 9o millionth time she’s the best Bachelorette ever?
I am already so late on this post and too lazy to calculate brackets. Let’s just say I am definitely not winning and we will get back to them next week. Is it next week yet?!