Croatia is one of the best places I have ever vacationed in my life. And Dubrovnik, called the Jewel of the Adriatic, is so stunning and beautiful and miraculous that it’s listed by UNESCO as a World Heritage Site. This famed medieval walled city survived months of bombings by Serb-Montenegrin forces during the Croatian War of Independence in 1991 when the Balkans erupted after the breakup of Yugoslavia. Remember that? And yet, its famous wall and buildings and dramatic perch above the Adriatic Sea make it one of the most popular tourist destinations in the world. You can sip cocktails at a bar jutting out from a rock cliff high above the turquoise see-through waters, eat some of the best gelato you have ever had in your life (Italy shares a body of water), take a boat to famed party islands off the coast, walk through history and cry because you have never seen anything so beautiful in your life and may never again.
The Bachelorette viewing public saw precisely this however:
- Gomer Pyle and Emily walking through the alleyways and eating in some nondescript cavernous room somewhere
- An entire date centered around the Scottish Highlands of the 16th century
- A random town outside of Dubrovnik which has a bench
- two different shots of a cat
Why did Ricki go back to Charlotte with her babysitter? I need answers.
The boys roll up to the Dubrovnik Sun Gardens hotel and Emily herself surprises the boys there with a date card for Travis. It’s not clear why she personally delivers it, but I will soon learn this episode that Emily just does things the way she wants.
Let’s Look for Love Beyond the Walls date with Travis
Heyyyyyy! says Gomer Pyle when he sees Emily. We all know he’s a goner with that accent but Emily is giving him the old college try anyway.
Emily reverts back to tour guide on this date- but this time reading from a book. The “two fish out of water” have a lot in common – including buying a Christian cross together. They also eat gelato, but call it ice cream. I forgive.
Travis balanced on some famous love stone but did not take off his shirt, which apparently Emily wanted him to do. She is disappointed but Travis redeems himself with his line dancing skills. He calls this date a “10 on a scale of 8”. Why a scale of 8, Trav?
Back at the ranch- WHOA. WHAT IS THAT UNDERSHIRT TANK THAT RYAN IS WEARING???? No serious, WHAT was that? It looked so bizarre and feminine and just wrong, wrong, wrong.
Because I love you guys, I sleuthed it out on Google Images and I have to report that it’s a new slimming tank for men from 2(x)ist. I have no idea why Ryan needs a slimming product but it still make me feel nauseous just looking at it. And joker didn’t want to wear an apron that one day.
Em and Trav go to dinner inside a castle or something to slowly bleed out the rest of their date. Travis talks about his broken engagement 2 years ago and his guarded heart. He is feeling his heart again. So much so that he actually says he wants to eat! I feel like it’s worth watching this show for the rare moments when someone acknowledges that there is food in front of them. Quinoa!
Emily picks up the rose and starts her speech about “From Day 1… all your good qualities that do not even remotely get me hot etc…”. Travis did not show Emily the romance, he cries, it’s raining and he’s out. Peace, Gomer. You were kind of cluttering up the place.
Lasting Love Requires Bravery group date
with John Doug Sean Jef Chris Arie.
Another Disney cross-promotion so help me God. Because the group is in Dubrovnik, ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS AND BEAUTIFUL AND STUNNING AND EXCITING CITIES IN THE WORLD, they all head to the inside of a movie theater to watch a Disney cartoon movie. If I hadn’t been watching this episode alone, I would have punched someone.
The men put on a good show of being psyched to watch an animated movie geared towards 6 year-old girls and Emily etc make brave (get it?!!) efforts to try to analogize their experience to the film’s plot. A woman takes charge of her own destiny and picks her own path to love. And there is archery. I still want to punch someone because this date makes me so mad.
Following the movie, the guys learn they are going to compete in their own Highland Games competition in a field somewhere. But because they’re actually in Croatia, this makes zero sense and therefore is a sad display of incredibly ill-fitting product placement, down even to the man with bagpipes and a brogue. Doug is the only one who mentions the bizarreness of it all. One point for Doug!
The actual competition was mildly entertaining with archery and log throws and some tug-of-war like game. Chris sucked at all of them, but at least all the guys could show off their big, bulging guns. It never occurred to me that would be a prerequisite for the show, but it makes sense. Their biceps are like boobs for the women. Personally, I like my men skater scrawny, but I am not boss of the world (yet).
Emily gives the bravest award to Chris who stunk at everything. She’s such a mom. They smooch it out.
And then during the commercial break: a commercial for Disney Pixar’s Brave and tourism to Scotland. Where are people to punch when I need them!
They’re clinking glasses overlooking the harbor. Wow, an actual Dubrovnik scene. I don’t know what to do with myself.
During one on one time with Sean, Emily tells him to keep the confidence in terms of where he stands, even when things get harder. Hmmm. I think these are bold words to say to someone unless you’re pretty sure you want them for the win, and not making your minivan full of babies already with Arie.
Then Emily has a stroll with Arie. He is still smarting from being dressed down for not sticking up for her during the Kalon episode. Arie’s interesting to me. He’s strong and handsome and an athlete and yet there is something not-manly about him. Maybe I just expect Emily with a Southerner and all Northerners still seem metrosexual. I dunno. But to Arie’s credit, he does put Emily up against a stone wall in a dark alley with gas lamps and uses those Hands of Gold to do some full court making out. Me Likey.
Oh sweet Jef follows during some alone time offering multiple jackets for Emily in the cold and continues his measured, articulate ways. How do you follow-up Arie pressing her up against a wall though? Jef manages to pull out some smooching- even if he always seems to be draped under a big, plush blanket.
Can I tell you a secret? I’m freaking crazy about you.
Come on, that’s adorable! Jef tells us he’s falling in love with Emily.
Then it’s one on one time with Chris and he seems a little awkward. And I don’t really get it. But Emily runs to get the rose for “the guy that gives her butterflies.” There is some editing deleting stuff, I think. Emily thinks Chris is one of the kindest, sweetest, most handsome men. Again, something is not coming through in the editing.
The World is Our Oyster date with Ryan
Ryan played pro football and has gifts. He wakes up in the morning and says Who Do I Want to Be Today?
When Emily shoes up to pick him up, Ryan tries seven times to make a you’re my pearl/oyster comment and we all feel a little stressed out by it. What always gets me is guys like this exist because they actually have a lot of fans and people encouraging their behavior in the real world. Those people should have to answer for their crimes.
I feel like this date segment is about to waste my time. At this point in the show, it would be helpful to just see time with potential winners of the show. Ryan, at the very least, is funny though. Intentionally and unintentionally.
They go to Ston, Croatia to go oystering but I think they do that for five minutes. And mingling with the locals, they sit down on a bench to chat it out. Is Emily The Trophy Wife God Chose for Ryan? Who is the black dog hanging out with them by the bench?
I get so sick of these dinners with one lone table in a cavernous or a cave-like space. Emily wears an ugly gold pageant dress. Ryan breaks out his list of the perfect qualities he is looking for in a wife and they include generic adjectives like Loyal and Faithful and at one point he mentions not wanting someone overly emotional. I think it’s good to have an idea of the qualities you want in a mate, but Ryan can’t blame Emily for being horrified that he is reciting his wish-list to her.
Ryan’s strange inability to read others and his cockiness have finally meant his demise. Emily tells him he is funny, good-looking and a great kisser. But that his goal for perfection in a woman or life is not what she wants. She wants happiness. I feel like if I was Emily I would breathe a sigh of relief now. At least a life without Ryan as a husband would mean a better chance of being able to fart out loud once or twice.
Ryan doesn’t take the rejection sitting down. Obvi. He tries to argue his way back in. And tries to undermine Emily’s ability to make decisions. Which should be proof enough that he deserves to go. I wish she had said F you in response to him, but instead starts second-guessing herself left and right. EMILY, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FART NOW! STAY THE COURSE.
When Ryan the Winner’s suitcase gets taken because he’s actually A Loser, the men in the hotel actually hug one another. And Jef finds his little mean side when he gets super pumped to see Ryan and His Worldly Gifts go. Thank goodness Jef is finally showing his edge. He was a little too Boy Scout before.
Ryan spends his limo ride actually requesting the producers edit him to come off what he believes to be appropriately impressive, and not confident for the wrong reasons. Chris Harrison mentions later on “his” blog that the show left this part in on purpose. It is awesome, I will admit.
The cat is roaming the streets again.
Back at Emily’s cottage
Ryan surprises Emily at her room, which is oldest trick in the Bachelor arsenal. Surprise visit the lead when s/he is down. Be there to pick him or her back up. (Obviously the producers help get the comforter to the location so are in major cahoots.) Arie tells Emily she is a good “judgment” of character. As per always, it seems he is sweet and sincere and really digs her for her. Then they make out in bed. Emily’s heart is happy. Arie’s in love and would ask Emily to marry him tomorrow if he could.
Emily’s tight white sparkly dress is actually pretty not pageanty and I am glad to see her hair up. I am not digging the geometric earrings though.
Doug and John are on the bubble for Emily. You think?
So in my mind it’s a shame when John gets one-on-one time he talks about his grandparents and cries. This might not be the John Aphrodisiac Emily was waiting for. “It’s tough to express myself in these settings.” Wait, is John often in these settings? He gets a smooch though so maybe his gramps is being a good guardian angel after all.
In one-on-one time with Doug, Emily has her arms crossed. She has to physically move Doug over to her and place his arms around her. Yikes-o. He fingers her (not that way) but it’s not doing it for Emily since he’s still busy being humble and reciting his good qualities. The camera keeps focusing on the fingers and Emily physically recoiling and the whole thing is weird. To be honest, I don’t know why other nice people get kicked to the curb, but she keeps giving Doug a chance. I have yet to hear him say one thing where is pleading for himself to have a chance with her. He’s always busy talking about everyone else and being unnecessarily grave. Is it just me or do people that play up their humility usually end up to be total phonies?
Chris has a rose. The remaining go to:
The final rose, and…
Jk! Emily runs to Chris Harrison for permission to, um, not hand out a rose? At this point, no matter what, I have the same ongoing respect for Emily that she just does what her instincts tell her to as soon as she knows, and they always seem right on (except when she agrees to ABC cross-promos). So she’s pulling like an Ali or Brad and sending an extra person home. Props. Or not.
Emily walks back in the room empty-handed, starts to speak to John and Doug’s crestfallen faces of death and then SURPRISE! Chris Harrison brings back in TWO roses. I don’t necessarily agree and I would like the pool to narrow more, but good for Emily again for bucking the rules because she has a feeling.
So all the men will continue through to next week to
Look, we probably won’t actually see any of Prague. There will probably be a group date there which involves 20th century Arizona. So if you all need another history lesson next week, don’t worry, I have been there too.
The episode looks like there is more steamy making out and the drama is going to be Chris melting down and Arie’s past relationship with a producer. Which I actually didn’t know about because so far I am the winner in 200 seasons of NOT seeing spoilers. And now that I said that, realitysteve will come to me in the night and whisper all the secrets in my ear.
We started our brackets at Top Seven. This week narrowed to six from last week’s eight so we’ll just award points from our picks for eight.
Me: I didn’t have Sean going this far (grr) and I had Ryan, Tony and Charlie (hahaha) so in all I get 4.
Meiko: Also gets 4 and hahaha had Kalon going a bit far (it was the Clark Kent stare, right?).
Jen: Is in second place with 5 points. Apparently Charlie fooled a lot of us early on.
Meghan: is pretty amazeballs with a respectable 6 points – everyone who’s remaining.
Kelley: Girl gets 3 points and I had to actually do a double take with Jean Paul. Is that somebody who was on this season?
Faye: has 4 points and provided a nice reminder that there used to be someone named Brent.
Peace out, party people. I have to go brush out my extensions.