bachelorette emily episode 5 recap: single mom who wants a minivan full of baggage takes blighty

I hope they’re using a dental dam.

It’s hard to riff or hate on this season, Emily is eminently likable and she has a lot of good guys vying for her and it seems like she, and they, actually want a marriage in the future. This blog is getting all serious on y’all.

The show opens with a cute scene of Emily and Ricki sightseeing. There are blue skies so I know it’s actually a Hollywood set, and not London.

The ten remaining men roll up onto Trafalgar Square – all in black coats (except Chris in grey) so they got the memo – and they stand near the Olympic countdown clock (squeal!).

They’re staying at the May Fair. I’ve been to their bar! (I’m just going to keep talking about myself.)

Love Takes no Prisoners date with Sean

Emily is wearing her mac. If you don’t know what a mac is, you must not live in Britain. I LIVE IN BRITAIN. I might mention that a few more times.

Emily says about Sean: “He’s so great looking- but he’s also so sweet.”

The krazy kouple gets their own double decker tour bus and sees the sites: St Pauls, Millennium Bridge, Bucking-ham Palace

Back at the ranch this gem from Kalon: Every date with Emily in the future for the guy who ends up with her will be a group date because of Ricki hardy har har har.

Now Emily and Sean are hanging by the Serpentine Hyde Park. I LIVE HERE SO I KNOW THIS STUFF.

“Guys that look like you are usually really boring.” she says to Sean. I love Emily. She’s right.

The couple ends up totally spontaneously at Speaker’s Corner. Not really, it’s not “staged” at all. HAHAHAHAHA. But Sean turns out to be a decent public speaker and preaches it about loving someone eternally (I think ABC edited out the Jesus stuff). His parents and grandparents showed him that great love. Emily thought his public speech was hot.

Dinnertime is at the Tower of London, which I am pretty sure no one gets to do. I wonder what’s in it for the city to be so good to this production. Emily is losing her voice. Sean said today is the best date he’s ever had in his life. Emily’s face powder is too light for her tan skin on the rest of her body. Emily likes that Sean is humble.

She tells him she wants a lot of kids… like yesterday. Uh oh, Sean wants two kids. Emily wants 15. She feels like Sean is the whole perfect package, and marriage material. And she gives him the rose. Do you think she’s had cheek fillers? They get an awesome view along the Thames of the Tower Bridge. I can drop that knowledge because I live here.

Sean is cute. And he’s blond! Go figure.

Emily: “I really like my kisses with Sean.”

A Rose by Any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet group date with 

Chris Arie Ryan Doug Alejandro Travis John Kalon

Only Alejandro knew it was a Shakespeare quote. Go figure!

The boys head to Stratford-upon-Avon to do scenes from Romeo and Juliet. Some of these boys hate acting- even though they’re on this show.

Alejandro, John, Ryan and Kalon (who’s not surprised because he was born to play this role) get Romeo after some intense auditions. Arie and Doug get to be the nurse. Wait, what are Chris and Travis? Arie is having some difficulties with the text. But for Arie to be a good dad, he needs to learn to let go and do this. Says Emily.

Kalon feels some stiff competition from Ryan. I would agree Ryan is a good actor. But then the psycho comes out in Anerican Psycho when Kalon shoos Emily away from watching them practice. Kalon is an odd one, no? He has an Ames look and breeding but with a terrible personality.

Where did this live audience come from? Gay Kalon yells “The crowd thee waits” or something. And then he gets intense and serious during his scene with Emily.

Then Doug and Arie are both funny in drag. Emily is actually the worse actor up there. All the guys analyze whether Ryan is getting real kisses on stage.

As far as group dates go, it’s not the worst and it’s not the best.

After Party

I’m happy the after party is pints at the pub. In fact, this episode is featuring more beers than I have ever seen on any episode the whole franchise. Me likey.

Arie gets some smoochy one-on-one time with Em. They’re basically boyfriend and girlfriend so it’s par for the course.

Ryan has “a plan”. From his experience, girls who smile when they call someone Trouble, want to get in Trouble. Hey oh. He gives Emily a gold necklace with a turquoise pendant and I totes like it too. Turquoise is also my fave color, Emily! We’re besties! Ryan’s reason for gifting the jewelry: “I want to just make sure we’re more than just really attracted or enjoy each other’s company.” Huh?

Kalon is sulking that he can’t get time with an “exhausted, sick, mother who has a child waiting on her”. And although the guys go ballistic, it took me a second to figure out whether Kalon was insulting Emily or feeling sorry for her, and then sorry for himself. Chris goes and gossips about Kalon to the rest of the boys. He wants everyone to know Kalon called Emily’s child baggage the other night. Doug the Dad thinks Emily needs to know. Even though Doug first heard Kalon something to this effect Day 1 by the pool at the Chansion.

The lynch mob confronts Kalon and, to his credit, he stands by what he says. At least he owns his odiousness. So Dad Doug tells Emily and Emily says she wants to confront Kalon. In fact, she wants to go all “West Virginia hood rat back woods on his ass” (Emily is so dreamy). Kalon tries to interrupt her and she uses his former line on her “I love when you talk, but not until I’m done.” (she didn’t quote it verbatim but kudos to her for remembering. She is one smart cookie)

Emily walks off to blow off steam and have time to herself. She is upset no one had her back. Her white dress with the open back is awesome though and really, it took this ugly scene for me to notice.

Emily says GET THE FUCK OUT to Kalon and Kalon’s response is that his dream was always to have his first child be biological. Hahahahahaha. He is true to form right until the bitter end.

Why is there a cab waiting though? I thought this all happened so suddenly.

Emily is mad no one had her back so she doesn’t give out the rose. She starts to question everything and everyone.

I just feel like in the past people learn the hard way the folly of shit-talking others on the show. I would think Emily would understand that a viable candidate for winning on any of these shows has to shy away from gossip. But in the end, the episode had a profound(ly negative) effect on her.

Something something date with Jef

I like his grey jacket and khaki pants. I really like Jef so much with his cute little hipster retro fashion and his slow and steady sweetness. He reminds of guys I totally would have crushed on in high school. Well, if anyone at my high school had a pompadour instead of a tight fade with gang signs shaved in the back.

They go to afternoon tea at The Chiswick House. It’s an etiquette lesson! I think this is a good idea for a date – kind of silly and eccentrically British – until it seems Jean the Teacher is a real drag and takes this all way too seriously. The couple bails out when she’s not looking, and props to them. I would have been paralyzed with politeness and stayed and wanted to punch myself repeatedly.

They end up at a pub for pints and fish & chips. How come the other patrons don’t seem fazed by the camera crew? Jef in response to Baggagegate from the night before: If Ricki is baggage, then she’s a Chloe bag I want to have forever. (Emily corrects him: vintage Louis Vuitton, Jef.) Chloe, Louis… who cares? Aren’t we just impressed Jef said what he said?!

JEF FOR NEXT BACHELOR.

Now it’s time for dessert (which no one touches) on The London Eye. Too bad it’s only 30 minutes. But they actually proceed to have one of the best conversations I have ever seen on this show. They just seem like they have such a good flow and energy together. I like that Jef is slow and sweet. Omg, he said he wants Emily and Ricki in his life and he and Ricki would be having dance parties each night. Did Emily just cream into her pants? But Jef is talking too much… Kiss her, dude. Jeesh. Nope. They have to exit the ride (or as it’s referred to: the flight. You guys, I love here. I know things.)

Now they’re along the Thames. I need someone to help me analyze their first kiss. Emily had to use her hands on his neck and back, he didn’t. Hmm. And then she rubbed his back after like a mom would do. I guess I just feel like, sadly, she wasn’t as physically into it as maybe she is when she kisses some of the other guys.

Cocktail Party

Emily uses all her one-on-one times to question why each guy didn’t have her back.

Until Ryan manages to change the subject when he performs a little of his Romeo scene and then they have some pretty steamy kisses. Emily looks wayyy into it- even if she’s saying she knows she has to keep an eye on him.

Then she has time with Sean and she is so into him too. Emily looks like she’s going to have her work cut out for her on choosing. She definitely sees Sean as husband material and he makes her feel safe and taken care of. And he seems ready to propose to her.

And then of course there is always her boyfriend Arie. He looked physically pained that she might be disappointed in him for not smoking Kalon out earlier. Again though, breaking man code can go both ways. There are bachelors and bachelorettes (achem, Ben) who don’t like when people shit talk or tattle. I am surprised Emily is taking it so hard that people didn’t want to get involved in drama, and rightly so.

Rose Ceremony

Sean and Jef have roses.

Doug – he’ll be gone soon. They have the kid thing but that’s not enough. And as Meiko has pointed out: his eyes are too small for his face.

Ryan – she’ll figure it out eventually

Chris – we need some more Chris time. I remember liking him early on. How come this week, btw, Chris and Doug were gossip bestie buds? Last week they had major age beef.

John – we need to see more John too so we know why he keeps making it through. My recollection though is that he’s laid back and funny

Travis Gomer Pyle – the guy you want in your good group of friends, but not necessarily as your boyfriend

It’s down to Alejandro and Arie. I wonder who will get it.

It’s so suspenseful. Will it be the guy Emily is in love with and always making out with OR the guy that is never edited into any show?

Rose goes to

Arie.

I did not see that coming.

Previews

Dubrovnik, Croatia. I’ve been there and loved it. Do you think they’ll visit the Museum of Croatian War of Independence?

It looks like every guy gets some make-out time. Interesting.

But in later previews from the tropical part of the travels, the emphasis is on: Chris, Arie, Ryan, Jef and Sean. A bit of foreshadowing perhaps. Nah.

Emily is, ironically, the most real Bachelorette this show has ever had. I have nothing snarky to say about that.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “bachelorette emily episode 5 recap: single mom who wants a minivan full of baggage takes blighty

  1. Gillian

    Totally agree re Emily being the realest of the real. I keep saying this, but I like her so much more than I thought I would. She seems to be legitimately smart and funny. Maybe we should zip it with all of these 16 & Pregnant anti-teen parenting shows…it apparently does wonders for some.

    I was legitimately sighing during the date with the blond evangelical guy. I think they may in fact be perfect for each other. And I was just real happy to see Jef drink a pint. Totes thought he was Mormon (not that there is anything wrong with that).

    And I agree that Em got a little worked up over the other guys not stabbing Kalon or whatever it is she was looking for. Because Arie didn’t actually hear the baggage comment until that night, right? Like she was just mad that he didn’t start yelling at him too? I would be sort of offended if a dude felt like he needed to interrupt my W. Virginia back woodsiness. I was basically confused by the bulk of the drama. But I’m glad to see the previews have Em and Arie back to kissing. Because it’s Arie who totally seems like a boy I would have crushed on in high school. He has a HS look about it (although I would have pegged him as a drama nerd).

    Oh and I though Em had some evening wear wins in there…like that sparkly gold dress with the really opaque dark tights and shows. cute. but totes agree re her face makeup. maybe her proper shade got confiscated at the airport. she looked way better in Charlotte. In fact, at one point I said to my husband, “I think she probably has that airbrushed makeup, that’s why she looks so flawless.” To which he replied, “oh yeah?….I miss having a dirt bike.” boys. at least he agrees to sit on the couch with me while it’s on.

    Kinda loving this season so far…

  2. julie

    I too like Emily, and am totally rooting for her. It continues to surprise me how someone who is so hot can also seem so nice and down to earth. That being said, we’re still allowed our critiques, right? Did anyone notice those sky high heels she was wearing to ‘walk’ around London? I mean I know they didn’t schlep from one end of the city to the other like us regular tourists do, but still I thought a cute pair of boots or something might have looked better for the “lets walk around and explore the city” date. And those fun facts she shared at each landmark, they sounded so staged, I imagined a producer drilling her the night before, poor Em no wonder she was getting sick! I too wondered at her golden, glow-ey complexion and wondered if she had gotten a spray tan.
    Jef if only he looked older than 17 I would totally have a crush on him, he is very cute! Lol on Arie being her boyfriend and your suspenseful play by play on the rose ceremony 🙂 !

  3. Elizabeth

    I love how excited you are about them being in London. It’s a hoot.

    Totally agree about the annoying flashback on Emily’s makeup. You’d think with the professionals on this show, someone could get her the right product. It probably looks fine in person, but the artificial light screws it up. Does anyone remember what ingredients we are supposed to avoid? Titanium Dioxide? (Why do I care? It isn’t as if I’m about to be filmed in HD. I’ve been watching way too many Lisa Eldridge videos. She is amazing. Moving on.)

    I’m souring on Arie. His face is starting to look slack; kind of jowly. He’s looking stalker-creepy. When Emily was reading him the riot act at the cocktail party, it looked like he was ignoring her words and just staring at her lips, waiting for an opportunity to suck them like a fish. Even my husband commented.

  4. kyle

    Yael– I was looking for you this episode!! And Big Ben…Parliament. How did no one make that joke?? Are we that old?

    Any hoo, I guess I was expecting to “see” the “baggage” comment so was a bit confused by all the drama. I kept rewinding to see if I missed something. Regardless, Kalon is horrible and deserved to be kicked off when he made his ” I love to hear you talk” comment. I love that she threw that back at him. Cap on you, Kalon. BUUUURN. See– I am old.

    The fact that Jef can drop a CHLOE handbag reference has me a little worried. Why and how does he know that? Why didn’t they eat those desserts? Why was it soooo bright in their car/capsule thingy (I clearly have never been to London!)? On the kiss– Jef needs to take notes from Arie! I also noticed her give him the mom backrub/pat and was kind of creeped out. Totally difference vibe than her slow dance with Sean that gave me goosies.

    Sean. I don’t love his edit but I think he might win. All we hear him say are very generic “perfect” things so I find him a little boring and cheesy. The dance though…reminded me of Roberto and Ali in the streets of…somewhere…hotness. I think, in person, he’s probably smokin. I liked when he talked about Emily being feisty…

    Arie. I felt like we watched their first fight! She was pissed at him and I think he was nervous about that rose. Like you mention, they clearly make up in the coming episodes (re previews)…um, does he have her up against a stone wall??? And working the hand/face again! That sounds way dirtier than I mean it…

    Also looks like the fake ponytail makes another appearance as does Emily, the Make-Out Bandit. Correct me if I am wrong, but didn’t Emily go all West Virginia hood rat back woods on Brad’s ass for doing the same thing??

  5. Margaret Chilibeck

    I think that this episode of the Bachelorette is the most classy of all the Bachelorette episodes so far. I do like the way Emily conducts herself (with the exception of the one bleep) and also she is not offering the men a key to a sleep-over room. That was not a cool move in the past. I do believe that Shaun is the perfect gentleman for her. He would be kind to Ricki and he seems so genuine, always with a smile, not arguing like some of the guys she let go. He is also big and strong enough to protect her. ( The other two guys left are also nice.) GO FOR IT, EMILY!

    Margaret

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