I interrupt my all-day viewing of the Queen’s Jubilee on BBC One for this show, so it better be good.
Conclusion: meh. Last week was better. Next week looks better. Visually, Emily mostly looked a little like she was phoning it in this week. What was with all the patterned ugly beach clothes? It’s times like this I miss Emily’s usual tight striped tees.
As we begin, Chris Harrison calls the men into the courtyard of the Chansion. This week is the usual assortment of dates + a 2 on 1 date. Fellas, you need to pack your bags because you’re going to be leaving this mansion forever blah blah blah Bermuda blah blah. I am totally distracted by Chris Harrison’s effeminate purple plaid number and Michael’s yellow headband.
Then, magically, everyone makes it to Bermuda without the plane flying across the cartoon map.
Emily’s on this gorgeous beach with Ricki and loving the turquoise water, the Colonial houses, being there with her daughter. We see them playing golf, flying a kite… and it all makes Emily wistful. Emily wants to be back in Bermuda with her husband one day, pregnant and with a baby stroller. Honestly, that sounds like a terrible way to take in Bermuda but I’m not the boss of the world (yet). The men roll up on scooters to the Rosewood Tuckers Point hotel. The date card arrives. Travis sounds like Gomer Pyle, right? I know it should be sweet, but it grates on me. Now Michael has a blue headband.
Alejandro is stressing about being the only man who has not had a date yet. I am stressed about Alejandro’s earring. Arie wants Doug to go home, the football team to disband (?) and to get down to romance.
Cue raging wind and storms. Because it wouldn’t be a season of Bachelor(ette) without bad tropical weather during the off-season at these resorts. Doug is nervous, the men push his buttons and he releases a string of expletives (tsk tsk, Austin’s Daddy). He is about to lose it and then Emily walks in. Emily can feel the tension. I also feel the tension of Doug’s other personality coming out.
Let Our Senses Lead the Way date with Doug
I forgot Doug got the FIR. I also forgot he had that terrible childhood. They go shopping in St George. It’s not the best montage of popping-into-shops this franchise has ever had, but it doesn’t look terrible. Of course there are ‘spontaneous’ street performers. At some point the couple takes a rest on some steps to have a little heart-to-heart. Doug tries to “humbly” tell Emily that he started a charity with no mention of what kind of charity and actually delivering the good news like a pompous douchebag trying to be humble. Frankly, the only way to tell a fact like that humbly is to wait until it comes up naturally and organically in conversation. But people who gravitate to this show are never good at that. Other gems out of Doug’s mouth are the fact that he always tells his son one man really can change the world and he is incredible because “Superman wasn’t going to show up.” I beg to differ as Clark Kent has just been stewing back at the hotel all this time, but whatever. Doug just hasn’t been sitting right with me.
Emily presents a postcard she wrote back to Austin’s fake letter and Intense Daddy Doug is pretty happy about it. They go to the Moongate to make a wish for love and happiness. Is this like the love clock at the Greenbrier place she forced Joe to make a wish at before dumping him? Yikers. Emily’s wish is that she doesn’t want to be single forever. I have a strong feeling you won’t be, g-friend.
Dinnertime. What’s with the big sparkly butterfly on Emily’s white librarian dress?
Emily is intuitive. And outspoken in a soft-spoken way. That’s been such a redemptive quality of the season. Every time I realize I like Emily, it reminds me how strongly I dislike Ben.
So Emily isn’t totally content with Doug always giving her the “perfect” answers to things. She wants him to report on what his ex-girlfriend would complain about but Doug blows it. I’m sorry: major douchebag. Someone asks you to be real about your flaws and your response is you spend too much time with your son or don’t wash a girlfriend’s car enough? Creep city. Ugh. There is starting to be something American Psycho about Doug. I am sure I will change my mind again next week after he talks about being in foster care some more, but for now I am just not that into him. Regardless, Doug manages to still get the rose- but obviously Emily’s got one eye on him.
I thought maybe we were done with Doug but then he does two more weird things: 1. Refuses to kiss Emily since he was taught never to make the first move (oh good, women love that) and 2. Refers to himself in the third person: “If Emily wants a kiss, she will let Doug know she wants a kiss.” Not. Creepy. At. All.
Let’s Set Sail on the Sea of Love group date
Charlie Ryan Chris Jef Sean Arie Travis Kalon go on one of the horrible group dates the show has been trafficking in the past few years where two teams compete and only the winning team gets time with the Bachelor/ette. It never makes sense to me since the point of dates is to suss out who might be a potentially decent life companion, and it just seems mean to make a bunch of people do something hard, lose and never even get to have a conversation with the Intended, but I’m not the boss of the world. Yet.
The men roll up to the Bermuda Yacht Club. Kalon is excited to “hit the high seas”. It’s Arie’s first time on a sailboat. Sean played D1 college football so he’s ready for this. Ryan just wants to win.
It’s the red team (Sean, Travis, Charlie, Chris) versus the yellow team (Ryan, Jef, Arie, Kalon). I find their sailing maneuvers to be such that I don’t believe they all just learned how to do it 5 minutes ago. It’s a photo finish for the yellow team. Sean would have “given [his] right leg to pop champagne and spend the night with Emily”. It seems like an aggressive wish to me.
The red men sulk on the way home in a van and Charlie may or may not be crying. Is it not even remotely a happy thing to be in BERMUDA FOR FREE?
Emily says she wishes it was warm so they could go swimming. I think most of the viewing audience does as well. Ryan makes a toast to Emily as a “trophy wife”. And Arie takes that as a segue to steal Emily away for some alone time. They reminisce about last week’s love and have some romantic tender neckin’. And they remind each other to stay in the zone with each other and keep their eyes on the prize. So far these two are going down the route of many couples past who know what they want early in the show and then have to fake it to get through the production requirements. I hope that’s not the case though as I would like to think Emily really is giving some of the other guys a chance.
And then when one second later Emily goes for some time on the beach with Jef, it seems even hard for her to make that emotional switch so quickly. Jef admits again he likes her in his Jef-like way of being rather cerebral and slow and I like the guy so I am going to give him a pass for snuggling under that very pretty and fluffy white blanket. Then, always a weird moment, Jef says: “should we go back?” Aw sweet Jef, I was waiting for a kiss too! I hope he was just being polite because honestly, in general you shouldn’t want to give someone up one second before you have to if you really are falling for them.
Kalon’s face isn’t served by being shiny. There is a camera zoom in on the rose on the table but you guys, did you see all the delicious appetizer skewers?! Wait, important quote from Ryan: “As the Bachelorette, [Emily] has been given a great responsibility. And I want to see her do a lot with it.” So vague. So bizarre.
Also from Ryan: “I’m not here to impress you. I’m here to make an impression upon you.”
And more from Ryan: “God designed you to be a beautiful woman. So be a beautiful woman.” (Ryan calls this *flirting*.)
And then finally Ryan tops even himself as he sets up the moment when he wants to chastize Emily for kissing Ryan in plain sight at last week’s rose ceremony: “To whom much is given, much is required.” Ryan is like a spiky-haired philosopher for a modern generation of douchebag pupils. If I parse out all his words, Ryan just called Emily a slut for kissing Arie at last week’s cocktail party. Emily isn’t taking this crap: she knows it’s a double standard and says if this was The Bachelor, no one would bat an eye. True dat. And I honestly believe at this moment, apparently learning nothing through sixteen seasons, that she will send him home.
Emily gives the rose to Jef and I knew she would. Maybe, just maybe, the nice, non-aggressive, real guy will get his. Fireworks! Ryan is such a narcissist it doesn’t occur to him that Emily gave Jef the rose because she likes Jef. He assumes it’s so that she wouldn’t betray him (Ryan) by giving it to Arie. There is something almost delightful about how delusional and self-obsessed Ryan is.
Let’s Explore this Bermuda Love Triangle 2-on-1 date with John and Nate
Emily is dreading this date. The men are dreading this date. We are all dreading this date. Why does the show make people do these dates? And it’s always made worse by pitting two people against each other who haven’t had much screen time yet and seem to not have any strong, discernible, exciting datable qualities. But anyway, this yacht is ridikadonk.
Back at the ranch the guys are all arguing there is a huge difference between a man at 25 and a man at 30. Chris does not like this one bit. I feel bad they’re all having this lame conversation since the show won’t let them do anything else like play on the internet.
The yacht is sailing around some beautiful little islands and ends at Diving Board Island. I wonder what happens there? Oh, they can descend into the water from a great height.
Dinner takes place in a watery canyon with stalactites or stalagmites or something. They sit down at a table positioned and decorated in a manner of a head table at a wedding. Then an epical, epical awkward conversation ensues:
Nate (looking at the dinner plate): IS THIS QUIN-NO-AH???
Emily: It looks like quinoa.
Nate: IT IS QUIN-NO-AH. DO YOU GUYS LIKE QUIN-NO-AH?
John Wolf: I don’t think I’ve ever had it.
Nate: It’s a very good fiber.
Nate and John together: But we’re not going to eat it. We’re good. It looks like a great meal. We’re not really going to eat.
I feel so sad some Bermudian catering sous chefs had to whip up some quin-no-ah and drag it into a cavern for nothing.
Nate gets taken for one-on-one time. Nate starts to rhapsodize about his family, especially his most amazing brother who is the best guy in the whole world and his amazing friends. Talking about his amazing brother makes him cry. Death knell.
John Wolf gets his time. He says he doesn’t want to float in the middle of the pack anymore. He just seems more at ease and confident and funny. He will get the rose on this date. And boom: she gives John the rose. Time to escort crying quin-no-ah enjoying but word-mispronouncing Nate out of the stalagmites. He floats away.
Ryan tells the crowd how confident he is because of his great conversation with
the mirror Emily the other day. Emily is wearing an adorable chic white one-shouldered jump suit with a jumble of necklaces and a low pony (of extensions). For once she looks awesome instead of pageanty and I am relieved.
Alejandro pleads his case to her. I just noticed Jef is wearing shorts and blue knee-high socks. Whatupwiththat?
Ryan: I personally feel like God has blessed me in a lot of ways.
Arie comes to steal Emily from Ryan. Arie wants to know how Emily really feels about him. He strokes her knee. And then Emily pays him the biggest compliment by saying Arie is the one she thinks about when just hanging all by her lonesome.
Ryan speaking to Mute Michael: I like what I see in Emily… but then again, to be very honest, I feel like I’m called to something bigger…I’m involved with the media back home. I’m going to say- let’s do Bachelor Ryan, the Bachelor in Augusta. Isn’t it great whenever you’re able to use a position like this? When I’m The Bachelor…
Emily reassures Sean she feels strongly about him even without having lots of one on one time with him. He asks how Ricki would feel about her mom getting married. Then he asks her for a kiss and they kiss and look happy.
Doug meanwhile is angry somewhere – shocker – barking to Ryan about not needing to kiss to prove himself and how guys like them are more mature. There is something about Doug’s face that has been stressing me out lately. His eyes seem too small and his forehead wrinkles always seem a little plasticky or something and pronounced. Like his whole face is Botoxed except for the forehead wrinkles.
Chris tells Emily during their alone time how he’s been upset in the house and people are accusing him of being too young to be ready to be a father. Then afterwards, Chris pulls Doug to the side to confront him. In the end, Chris says “I just don’t believe you, man. You’re over the top humble.” A surprisingly eloquent way to diagnose the off-putting thing about Doug.
Random sit-down chat with Emily and Chris Harrison
Emily reveals she thinks Doug could be perfect, but questions why he’s always involved in issues in the house. Thinks Ryan is pulling one over on her. She is giddy for Arie, but always likes Jef and wishes he would have kissed her either time they were hanging on the beach. She’s not sure if Alejandro is ready to be a dad.
This is the first season in a while where the protagonist is interesting, revealing, fairly sharp and actually wants a spouse out of this.
More thunder sound effects. Doug, Jef and John already have roses. Remaining roses to:
Ryan (I WISH YOU ALL COULD SEE MY HUGE EYE ROLL)
Kalon Clark Kent
Michael is a total sweet gentleman and cutie when he leaves. And we all get to hear his voice!
Challenged Charlie peaces out a little more emotionally.
LONDON. Watch out, beotches! Emily is so excited to go to London: “It’s so old.”
Sean calls it “Bucking-ham Palace”.
P.S. A few of you have alerted me to the new parody of The Bachelor, Burning Love – executive produced by Ben Stiller. I think the problem with The Bachelor is it’s so easy to parody, to do it well you need to bring your A-game. I am not sure they do so far. But, I have to give major props for giving three of the girls the profession of Dental Hygienist.