I never think much about a season until the opening Chris Harrison voiceover that begins second 1 of episode 1.
But this time it’s different.
You see, I have honestly been worried that Ben and Courtney put me off the Bachelor franchise forever. Not because of their pairing per se. There have been worse pairings; less believable pairings; less compatible pairings; less interesting pairings; etc.
No, it’s more that I felt like both of them were just a little too cute and obvious in their public disdain for and outright disobedience regarding the show’s machinations. They were both caustic to all the other contestants, arrogant, acted incredibly put out all the time and then kept their simmering hostility not even beneath the surface when dealing with the press. They are two people well-matched because of how self-involved and fairly odious they have turned out to be.
And that makes me grumpy. I like to love/hate this show. Bring on the robots, the crazies, the people who make Vision Boards, the criers, the fake body parts and fake teeth and fake hair and fake personalities, the sluts, the prudes, the big city dreamers and actor-wannabes and twangs. Bring them all. But leave the arrogant holier-than-thou mediocre-looking a-holes at home please. I cannot handle one more season of that shit. I actually felt by the end Ben was making fun of us for watching his dog turd of a season. While laughing all the way to his piggy bank where he keeps his spare change profits from his dumb wine company. I dislike the guy. Immensely. It takes talent to actually make me miss guys like Brad and Jake.
And it didn’t help recently when US Weekly ran a story on how many couple have met on all the varying reality shows and stayed together. Biggest Loser comes in strong at seven legitimately happy married or almost-married couples. The Bachelor, on for way more seasons, comes in dead last at one marriage, one current engagement and I mean, are we even allowed to count Jason and Molly? Please let me, please.
I am nervous about Emily. I am nervous that a girl this smoking hot and generally amiable and well-liked is going to actually find a man for all time on this dumb show. She Who Dates Lots of Famous People. And I am even more skeptical that any of the guys they cast from open casting calls made for sad lot model wannabes and entrepreneurial guys looking for venture capital money actually want to inherit a daughter. I know they will say they want to when confronted with Emily’s chest area. But I mean, really.
And I am worried that Emily’s veneers will be the death of me.
But I live in eternal hope. Except that ABC has one more chance with me. I am warning you Mike Fleiss, I am not afraid to jump ship.
In the meantime, let the games begin! For all 5 regular readers and commenters to this blog, keep the good links and good dirt coming. I won’t be reading spoilers, of course. Because of, you know, how pure-hearted and spontaneous this show is.