bachelor ben WTA recap: a chihuahua, crocodile tears and a tampon

My unruly cleavage is distracting me from my very distracting eyelash extensions.

Before we dive headfirst into the circus (with a surprising show of restraint on votive candles), I want to give a shout-out to Elizabeth and Ed. Elizabeth is a reader of and commenter on this blog as she suffers through the season along with the rest of us. She alerted her husband Ed (who happened to go to college with my husband and therefore they are good friends) to my plight of having a significant other who refuses to partake in my one and only extracurricular activity, and Ed has now started a nascent campaign of peer pressure to convince my hubs to watch the show. I am touched, you guys. In honor if it, I would like to list the Top Ten Reasons I Think Partners Will Really Enjoy This Franchise:

  1. Women’s breasts, legs, butts and bikinis.
  2. Women’s breasts, legs, butts and bikinis.
  3. Women’s breasts, legs, butts and bikinis.
  4. Women’s breasts, legs, butts and bikinis.
  5. Women’s breasts, legs, butts and bikinis.
  6. The guys are so douchey it’s fun to make fun of them.
  7. Extreme sports are involved.
  8. It makes a mockery of coupling up.
  9. There is some hardcore scheming on Bachelor Pad.
  10. Women’s breasts, legs, butts and bikinis.

Also, I just need to get this off my chest: I think it is super lame that in Chris Harrison’s blog last week, he misspelled Nicki’s name about 50 times. I don’t think it’s a trivial thing that you are the uber-rich host of a long-running television show who does very little in the way of work but gets to travel all over the world for the very reason that you are supposed to be good at feigning actual deep concern and excitement as the trials and triumphs of these people’s lives as they unfold, and that clearly your superiors who answer to the network have to edit and approve of your columns, and still this blatant and repeated error happens. Nicki got rejected in front of millions, and in doing so made you all (you all = Mike Fleiss, Chris Harrison, ABC and a bunch of minions) a lot of money. SPELL HER GD NAME CORRECTLY.

I feel better.

So The Women Tell All! Which, let’s be honest, is the only reason to ever watch these seasons. For the exact moment when you hope someone gets their comeuppance, or a burning question is satiated. Especially in what is basically the most boring, predictable, uninspiring and useless season, I was thinking it would be nice to have a few questions answered. And maybe a little drama on the side. And this show did not disappoint. HELLS YEAH, WTA!

From second one on the Previews of the Show that Airs 10 Seconds After the Previews Conclude, I could tell it was going to be good stuff. And in an unprecedented move, one of the Final Two comes on to face the castaways. More on that later, but for now let’s dive right in.

Bachelor Reunion Parties / Bachelor Pad Casting

I love these views inside the reunion parties in Vegas/LA/NY. I don’t know if the purpose is purely for the producers to feel out who would be good on Bachelor Pad, or to more generally just keep all the exes in touch, but it really is fun for me to see my old friends. I kind of get genuinely excited to see them. Ed, Reid, a bunch of hobags, that Princess girl, and FRANK. I am still as in love with Frank as I was on Ali’s season. And I am dead serious. I might leave my husband for Frank. Suck it, Erin. Also, Michelle Money’s uber-white veneers still bug me. I think that’s why she is always licking her teeth. Because they throw her off too.

Back to the WTA

Chris welcomes the ladies and the awkward part ensues where individual popularity is measured by length of clapping and volume. By those scientific metrics, Jaclyn is the big loser.  And I am reminded throughout the show how much I still do like Emily, Nicki and Kacie B. Placed front and center, they maintain a united front of semi-normalcy and fairly relatable observations. Also, Nicki is very pretty at the WTA. So is Jen. Every close-up of her makes me think she could star in a stage version of Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Like the Nicole Kidman of the bunch, you have to root for the girl that doesn’t even bother to get spray-tanned because she knows how ridiculous it would be.

There is the usual video montage recap time of all the crazy chicas and all their crazy antics. Also, I am not sure I would call Ben “gorgeous”.

And Jamie’s spoken-word kiss with Ben? As cringe-worthy the second time around. Make it stop!

Blakeley

I had seriously forgotten that Blakeley was scripted to be the season’s villain. You can tell the producers are still holding on to that storyline just in case it might divert attention away from Courtney for five minutes (which I believe they want to do in preparation for next week- but, as I said, more on that later). So they jam the dumb Blakeley story arc down our throats even though I probably speak for at least a few people when I say that it is the least compelling thing I wanted covered during these 85 minutes.

It is worth rewinding though to the part when Samantha was yip-yapping about Blakeley and Jaclyn was next to her all uh huh yeah preach it and bobbing her head. Jaclyn and her fugly spray tan want to be relevant so bad.

Brittney

Brittney says she left because she had no attraction towards Ben whatsoever, and her time is precious to her. I absolutely buy this because my recollection is that when Brittney got the date card, she was freaking out that she didn’t feel more excited. But Samantha, for some inexplicable reason, decides to attack Brittney and claim that Brittney in fact left because she was crying when she felt bullied by the girls one night. It’s such a ridiculous thing to interject because even if it was true, which it is not, that’s not the kind of thing you would ever call someone out for. The moment is so totally worth it though because as Samantha is making insane faces and barking out rapid-fire high-pitched baseless insults, Brittney actually calls her the “chihuahua of the house” with corresponding dog-yapping hand gesture. It’s my favorite moment of the hour + and I have a newfound love for Brittney with her totally 80s name-spelling.

Shawntel

Remember how she was on this season? Nope, me neither. Courtney has so commandeered the spotlight that I am actually grateful for the recapping of some earlier shit-show episodes.

For example, I loved seeing again the girls’ reactions the night Shawntel walked in and there was none better than Elyse, with her super-exaggerated open mouth and syllable-emphasizing barking of “Who IS she?!” It was also good for me to remember that Rachel was a beotch that night and Jaclyn was her usual krazy self. The night’s best just deserts came when stupid beauty queen Erika had to defend her “big thighs” comment and did so by telling Shawntel they both had big thighs, I guess as some kind of sisterly commiseration. Shawntel looked rightly confused, Erika looked again like the world-class A-hole she is and Emily seized the moment by telling Shawntel she is gorgeous.

As the peanut gallery of misfits continue to confront Shawntel, Elyse genuinely apologizes, Rachel disingenuously apologizes and Emily says some other things but I can’t stop looking at her cleavage. Said cleavage is throwing me off because it’s very pronounced and low and mis-represented in her ill-fitting dress and frankly, terribly inappropriate. She seems to have an overall issue with Ben ever making decisions based on sex and his man-parts, all the while floating her bosoms around the studio. Where are Blakeley’s more bulbously reliable “blessings” when you need them?

Emily

Let’s get back to her cleavage. Jk.

I like Emily for the most part, but am wary she is going to fatigue me this show. She seems to have a whole lot to say in her school marm-saying way. Anyway, we are treated to a video recap montage of how Emily foiled her chances of becoming Dr. Flajnik by trying too many times to lecture Ben to beware of the Black Widow. This is the thing about Emily: She was mostly classy and never really trashed anyone else, but she “whinged” (British for “whined”) too much, as Melissa the Childminder points out. says. Emily is nothing if not self-aware and wonders aloud whether she would not have been better off following Nicki’s superior philosophy of “true colors will eventually come out.” Oh hahahahahahahahaha, Nicki. That never actually happened, did it.

Blakeley’s good point: Courtney took off her clothes in front of America and yet called Blakeley a derogatory name for a woman who gets around. Point to Blakeley but I mean, she is a VIP cocktail waitress so the lady doth protest too much, methinks.

And to wrap up on Emily (but who are we kidding? She will insist on speaking this entire episode, and I am pretty sure she will be groomed to be a future Bachelorette), in the end she doesn’t want the kind of man who would want to buy what Courtney is selling. Hells yeah, girl! Even though that’s always easy to say when you got kicked to the curb. Or kerb, as they say in the crazy country where I live.

Nicki

I like Nicki’s white one-sleeve dress. It’s an improvement to her rose ceremony rejection white one-shoulder dress. Also, the video recap montage on Nicki just shows she is genuine, y’all!

And I love Nicki for not making eye contact with Ben when she hugged him and got in the limo the night she got rejected. Well, at least I love her for the time being. Turns our later in this episode she will declare that Ben is the greatest man on earth. Curses!

Kacie B

Whoa, I am reminded that when Kacie got out of the limo on Night 1 she was a dead ringer for Sandra Bullock. The ensuing season was not kind to her looks 😦

However, watching the video segments recap and how sweet and cute and giggly and good-natured and loving Kacie is, it’s just so clear she is the classic adoring, younger girl type who wants to look up to her partner. Find your equal, girlfriend.

When asked by Chris Harrison why she thinks Ben ultimately changed his mind dramatically about her, Kacie could have said what we all know to be true, which is “Ben is a whore who wants to be with a whore” but instead in her classy Southern way, says simply “we do not share the same core values…I don’t think Ben could see himself spending Christmas with my family.” I think core values is my newest favorite euphemism.

Courtney

The Lighting Rod for Controversy herself gets to be on the WTA. So because this is the first-time ever in a hundred years of this franchise that one of the final two shows up at this reunion episode pre-final rose, it’s obviously that Courtney is the one Ben picks in the end. There would be no other incentive for the producers to want her image rehabilitated. So I am pretty pissed that the show itself gave the biggest spoiler of all. It’s getting harder and harder to avoid spoilers. They come up in blaring headlines even when you try to do an innocent Google Search and they pop up in magazines and my mom can’t even help herself in her tone when she’s on the phone with me. But I didn’t expect this from ABC. Boo.

So because I am peeved, I am just going to share something else totally winding me up: Courtney gets to walk in after her video segment montage recap airs. Why? Why is that fair? Wouldn’t it make for better context in the exchange of vitriol and crocodile tears to come if Courtney had just seen the same This Is Your Life video package everyone else did? I actually would have loved to see her poker face while she watched it.

Casey S ha ha ha ha gets to finally speak because she was Courtney’s only friend in the house, and she makes some lame attempt to say Courtney is a fantastic person. Things only go downhill from there.

Courtney’s Stepford Wife-of-ABC mea culpa states she behaved unfairly, has regrets and wishes she could take back the hurtful comments. She wavers between good and bad acting, managing to eke out a real tear at one point (Visine does the trick every time!) but mostly looks half-dead inside. And really, it just feels wrong. I want the old Courtney back. Not the on-script Courtney who the media has subsequently reported had a very interesting and telling conversation with a show staff member during a taping break. (Spoiler alert but click here for behind-the-scenes (thanks, Kate!)) This producer-manipulated ersatz Courtney is no fun. The Courtney I know would never take it up the tailpipe like this.

The girls want in on the action: Jenna tries to sort of defend Courtney (she probably owes her for steering the original show story arc away from Jenna’s epic meltdowns), Blakeley demands an apology for being called a stripper and finally, Courtney is whisked away into the night by a waiting limo. Why did we have to see that part? What is that dastardly rascal, Mike Fleiss, up to?

Oh, and, right before she left Courtney wails to Chris, “I cared for” Ben. She quickly amends that but it was the past tense verb heard round the world.

Ben

Ben and his terrible hair always know just the right the thing to say. When first faced with a bevy of individual women, some of whom he has heartbroken, some of whom he has shared very intimate moments with and all of whom (save Brittney) tried to stick around the whole season to try to win his heart, his fist comment is “Welcome to my nightmare.” Class act.

Jennifer makes a surprising comment at this point. She confronts Ben over choosing Blakeley to stay over herself, showing particular surprise that “you were considering taking Blakeley home to your mom, no offense” or something. Um, offense taken. What is she implying? Blakeley, to her credit, does not even respond. It just seemed like an unnecessary low-blow, and worse, pointless. Um, you both lost, sucka.

Nicki also disappoints me terribly at this time, telling Ben something like “you are THE best man I have ever met in my life, on my word until I die…”. This comment cannot possibly be true, which means Nicki’s word is useless. And if she actually means something so ridiculous, it does not bode well for her future second husband.

Jamie is as awkward and misplaced as ever. She cries and tells Ben she will still be available and if he doesn’t work it out with Courtney whomever he chose.

Bloopers

Faye and I agree whole-heartedly that this is hands-down the best part of the show. It is a phenomenal mystery to me why we can’t see more of the actual, human, funny, revealing, sweet moments and interactions between all the players involved. It makes some of the people so much more likable and relatable. I even found myself digging Ben for a second! I genuinely laughed at the cow and his junk in that tribal outfit and his little jigs he kept dancing.

What I am interpreting to be another spoiler (DAMN YOU) is that Chris Harrison never asks Ben “Have you found love? Are you happy?” which is pretty much a stock question at every Tell All. It’s supposed to whet the viewers’ appetite for something very romantic the following week. What this means, and this is just my best guess, is that Ben choose Courtney and by the time the finale airs, they’re already broken up or on the rocks.

Closer Look at Final Two Women

Courtney montage. “Courtney is the whole package.” However else I feel about her, I do see why this is the one he’s always wanted. But also, it’s because Ben sucks a little.

Lindzi montage. “Lindzi is a complete woman.” The only part of the montage that seems promising is when Ben blushes red when she says she wants this to end with a proposal.

WTA Unanswered Questions and Missed Opportunities

  • Jamie and her lapdance and why it followed five straight episodes of being muted
  • Jenna
  • Why Ben was chosen as the Bachelor in the first place
  • Why it’s fair for C-list celebrities to go on this show
  • Pretty soon can we stop flying out past rejects to come and not shock the current star in an-always failed attempt to create some drama?
  • If the girls are going to shill certain clothes/jewelry they are wearing, why not just go full throttle and advertise all the details on ABC site so we can all get in on the action?
  • How do I get tickets to WTA?
  • Zero mention of the Blakeley/Monica lesbionic love affair night one?

Next week

Some stuff happens in Switzerland. There is a helicopter and Neil Lane.

Grantland is especially funny this week. Yes, click on the video link. Oh, Ben.

Advertisements

16 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

16 responses to “bachelor ben WTA recap: a chihuahua, crocodile tears and a tampon

  1. Tired of Ben

    I thought that Emily spoke well and seemed to say what she wanted to (even if she spoke A LOT). Jaclyn is EWWW. I am so tired of this season! And my husband wants nothing to do with the show…if he hears it on downstairs, he doesn’t even come down, he just goes to bed. Your blog is a highlight of my whole Bachelor/Bachelorette obsession 🙂

    • yael

      Your comment is the highlight of my day! Not the least because at least I am not the only anti-Bachelor Widow in the world.

  2. 1.I gave Jenna a standing ovation for managing to speak in humanlike sentences and then not have to run to the bathroom.
    2. Emily asked Ben what went wrong and he said, “Everything was fine while our relationship was just about us. But when you brought other things into it (other things being Courtney and her naked model essence), and that’s when the problems started. And Emily said “I have no idea what that means.” I spit out my organic butternut squash soup when she said that.
    3. Lindzi’s mom said on the hometown visit that she and L’s dad made sure that Lindzi was raised with horses to keep her away from negative influences (i.e.real life.) Now I feel really bad because she doesn’t deserve any of this, which just goes to show that horses, as swell as they are, can’t prevent you from being dumped.

    • yael

      1. But they should have questioned Jenna on her behavior. That was a big storyline for a little while and they just dropped it. Grr.
      2. Emily was totally kidding!
      3. Funny, I didn’t hear them say that. I am holding out hope that calm and collected Lindzi doesn’t fall apart when she gets dumped. Welcome to Dumpsville, Population NOT THE MODEL.

  3. Teresa

    Do you think no one will get the pick?

  4. julie

    Emily’s dress (do you call it a dress?) I feel like a string bikini, no a budweiser string bikini would have been klassier! It was so unflattering, and barely there, combined with her Amy Winehouse eye make-up (only she and adele, and sophia loren can pull off that kind of liner) was so distracting! I kept trying to remember her in that pretty silver one-shoulder dress, the one she wore when she and Courtney first got into it, why did she have to practically flash America with that “dress” isn’t there anyone at ABC who dresses these girls who could have gently suggested something with a little more ahem, support? coverage? As a result, I don’t recall anything she said.
    I love that Blakely was all conservative in a beautiful silky purple thing, taking the high road when jennifer knocked her down not once but twice, saying to Ben “how could you send me home over Blakely?” I thought that was so rude and suggest she take a diplomacy class from Elyse!
    Whyyyyyy? did Nicki have to declare Ben the best man she has, and will ever meet???
    and agree this blog is the most entertaining aspect of this season!

    • yael

      Hahahahahaha, you are so right about the eye make-up. And I thought Blakeley’s dress was so classy too. I would call her a class-act all around but then I remember that romper she was wearing when doing the kids’ pageant. Or her dance lessons dress. Yikers.

  5. Elizabeth

    I blushed in a way I haven’t since I was a teenager. Thanks for the shout out!

    I don’t remember much of the WTA because I was so focused on how gorgeous Nicki’s makeup was, and how ugly the makeup application on so many of the other girls.

    I love Emily, but the girl needs a make over. Her hair is too blond, her makeup inartful (at best) and that dress was just all kinds of wrong.

    And Ben needs to shave his head. In penitence, if nothing else. One of my friends posted a photo comparison of Ben and the Neanderthals from the Geico ad (I think – some insurance company). The resemblance was astonishing.

  6. Erin

    Yael, I know you disagree, but 1. Frank is really annoying, and isn’t even close to being as handsome or cool as Bryan; and 2. Omg I am so over hearing the girls whine about Courtney. She was mean, unfriendly, and slutty. Move on. This is not “the Journey to Finding 25 New Besties” its the Bachelor…

    • yael

      I agree with you on 1. I think Bryan has the edge. I just think I would have liked to make out with Frank before meeting my husband. You know, if I had a time machine.

  7. sonjey

    I just sit back and look at the dresses, the jewelry, the hair color (love jenn’s) the make-up, the “girls”, the venues….. There was a time when I had a really special, single girlfriend in mind for the show…. but now, I just let my hot flashes take me to those beautiful islands for a moment or two!
    From the very beginning, Ben did nothing for me!

  8. Jenny

    I don’t get it. Courtney says on the WTA that she “cared for Ben.” So does he pick her and they are already broken up? Then why bother going on WTA to get skewered by the others. Image repair? Probably too late – US Weekly has been going to town on her LOL.

    • yael

      That’s kind of what I think, I guess. He picks her but then they combust. Whether we’re right or wrong, it is impressive not to have seen any spoilers all this time!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s