For the first time this season, I actually left my flat to watch an episode. I really needed it too. It was one of those days with two kids under 3 where you just know a lot of wine (copious, copious amounts) will make it all okay. I headed to Jen’s with Faye and watched the episode in the lap of luxury. Takeaway. Wine. Cupcakes. A brand, new microfiber couch in case you might feel like spilling something during a heated moment of the show.
The one thing that threw me off was Jen’s husband. He was there when we walked in, and right off the bat started telling me from a strategic perspective, how the show needs to revamp its format. And although his points were lucid and viable, all I could think about was how every single husband/boyfriend/partner on earth watches this show except mine. So when I got home, tipsy, I accosted my husband who was trying to relax in bed late at night with the serenity and companionship of his iPad.
Hi honey, how did it go?
Great. Really fun. (Pause.) It’s just that… well, Eric watches the show too. And he’s a super, busy, important financial genius trader and he still watches it. Everyone’s boyfriends and husbands watch it. Even your favorite blog recaps it. It’s just so unfair.
We watch so many shows together already. And I am so busy. And I despise it.
I know. Fine. I am just saying.
And then I sulked out of the room to get a glass of water and saw on the dining room table what my hubs had bought and left out for me as a gift:
This episode opened with Ben’s first line including “incredible journey so far.” Thank goodness, because you know those words put me at ease and give me permission to sit back, relax and fully embrace the remaining 90 minutes.
Ben is looking longingly out of a 1980s stretch limo. He is describing all his fears and emotions in his usual monotone. Then he is flying on the cartoon plane horizontally across the cartoon US. And then horizontally over to cartoon Switzerland. As Faye points out, the actual plane would actually have flown much farther North at a shorter latitudinal difference. But I feel like it’s sacrilegious at this point to critique the only animated portion of each episode.
Now we do what any gaggle of women drinking wine while watching the episode would do: we analyze the bodies of the ladies. Pear-shaped. Great legs. Crazy ugly. Sometimes.
Holy shit Interlaken. Get a load of this place! I want to immediately book a trip there but I am guessing I will be competing for flights with 10 million other Americans. Also, why is Ben wearing OJ Simpson murder gloves and a gay dance club leather coat?
There is a helicopter. I already feel like Nicki’s more into Ben than he is in to her. Also, the helicopter looks like it’s plunging down a mountain. And then it is parked on the edge of a cliff. But what I mean is that Nicki just seems more genuinely excited. And it’s so obvious how they plan the order of dates. The weakest one always gets the first one. But seriously, the helicopter! Are they all going to die??
The setting where they’re picnicking is ridiculous. And people are cynical that true love can be found in this forum. They then get off the helicopter for a scheduled embrace section on a flat mountain-top measuring approximately 1 foot x 1 foot. But even so, no sparks.
It’s eveningtime now, and it’s just occurring to me again that I like Nicki’s accent. It’s weird how a Southern accent can either soothe or grate. And there must be a first time for everything, because for one split second Ben looks really cute to me. It’s during the moment when he is willing his entire body and soul to pretend like he is interested in Nicki and it totally cool about answering the question of how many kids he wants. Ben’s answer, and I paraphrase, is: My sister and I both want four kids. Eeeewwwwww.
Ben then realizes the overnight date card is burning a hole in his pocket and Nicki’s ca-ca-ca-crazy bodacious cleavage isn’t getting any younger. So he drops this smooth line: I love our ‘conversations’. BUT I have something for you… The overnight date card has a gold-metal key attached from circa 1800. It made me laugh out loud.
Nicki talks about how she is confident. The entire world knows Ben isn’t keeping her around. And cut to a steamy make-out sesh in a bubble bath where even though it’s their private bathroom, they have to wear bathing suits. It’s a family show, haters. My 2 1/2 yo is actually way into it. He procrastinated before bedtime by telling my husband “But I want to watch the Bachelor!” I wonder if Mike Fleiss is proud of his role in society.
Lindzi is cold and Ben wonders where her coat is. But he does not offer his. Lindzi is scared of heights so naturally they’re going rappelling from a tall mountain. It’s always funny how certain people get romantic picnic dates, and others get extreme sports. Poor Lindzi is like the shark cage diving equivalent of Chantal from Brad’s season.
Despite how boring and unremarkable the challenge was, I was very pleasantly surprised that no one made a this is difficult/relationships are difficult analogy. Plus, off-camera Ben says “I love this woman.” – which is definitely unexpected! There was so much focus on other women this season that Lindzi has, with the exception of riding in on a horse, really slipped under the radar. Also, I am totally digging Lindzi’s terrible roots because they look super on trend and cute when she sweeps her hair up into a messy pony. Yeah, I said pony.
Lindzi walks into the dinner portion looking redonkidonkidonk. In that short purple dress and killer heels and legs that just. won’t. quit. ever. never. quit. ever. And I am so irritated because Ben would so not get this caliber of women in real life, and it’s the first time I really remembering that being such a stark thing during a season.
I really like Lindzi and her weird, flat, scratchy voice. When Lindzi tells Ben she loves him and wants a proposal at the end, he gets super cute and very pink from blushing. If he didn’t have such a frizzy Amish do and a cold, dark heart, I would say it was endearing.
After Lindzi accepts the overnight suite date, the two lovers go to some room to make out on a bed with way too many throw pillows and way too many bedroom lights on. All of the sudden Lindzi is in a man’s shirt (whose? Chris Harrison’s?) and has bare legs.
Ben is genuinely excited to see Courtney. They girls I am with are as well, because they can’t stop talking about her coat. Even Ben notices and says, “you look nice.” Ben is already blushing and happy. And because he saved Courtney’s date for last during hometown visits and overnight dates, it’s all a foregone conclusion.
The lovers take a train ride to a small town called Wengen, passing some ridic vistas on the way. Ben says, with a straight face, that they want to “embrace the local culture”. I don’t want to point out that Switzerland is a country lacking one distinct culture, nor the fact that as tourists taping a television show, Ben’s desire is unlikely to happen. Luckily, an old man pushing a vegetable cart appears from
central casting the local town culture, and the couple can happily move on the ignoring culture and sitting in a field talking.
This field they picnic in is charmingly pastoral, down to the perfectly placed cows. But at that distance, I have to say I took a fair amount of pleasure knowing Ben and Courtney were probably smelling a lot of dung during their ❤ to <3. The two of them manage have an entire conversation about how Courtney was mean to the girls without making eye contact. Then Ben just ends the discussion cold. It’s painfully obvious he wants Courtney to be the one, and is even willing to revise history to do so. The longer the show goes on, the more obvious it is how well they are suited to one another. I will be rallying for The Model in 2 weeks. Everyone else deserves a better guy.
Now it is nighttime in some Swiss wine cellar and Courtney is wearing a boring all-black tight ensemble, basically looking like a sexy stagehand.
Ben, for his part, is wearing some humongously thick chunky cable knit sweater. Is Ben just constantly freezing this week?
Courtney reveals she has trust issues with men….and women. Ben says that he has lots of women friends plus his mom and sister… Courtney’s blanket apology for her 8 weeks of cruel and unusual punishment towards the other girls is: “I spoke too soon sometimes because my guard was up.” Tell that to the judge! And as Faye points out: I am nor sure Ben is the one you should apologizing to.
When they go through the stupid act of pretending to wonder what it says on a fantasy suite date card and then read it aloud, Ben makes an additional plea for wanting a piece of Courtney in the bedroom because he wants their overnight to be “uninterrupted… everything.” (Emphasis mine.) Ugh, seriously Ben?! This is family show!
Cue the 2-seater hot tub.
Emily Maynard season sneak peak
All of us sitting on the couch are doing this:
Emily is so beautiful!
Emily is so hot!
Oh my gosh, how do you get like THAT?!
I want to look like her.
Now back to the Dumb Part Where ABC Has to Fly Someone to Surprise the Bachelor/ette to Create Some Totally NONDramatic Drama
Kacie B looks with straight hair. I wish she was this cleaned up on her hometown date. Poor, sweet, now chubby-faced Kacie had her heart broken and wants answers. Ben provides the opposite of answers in deflective euphemism like “different backgrounds” and “I can’t provide what you need from me” which either all translates to: I am not a Southern Evangelical Christian, nor do I ever want to be, OR the producers made me do it. Regardless, Ben provides zero -ZERO- comfort to her.
Kacie, though, is undeterred. She still loves Ben for some inexplicable reason and doesn’t want him to be hurt so she warns him not to choose Courtney. Ben literally like closes the door on Kacie. She collapses on the ground. So sad. Ugh. She is too real for a show like this. You sweet, sweet girl.
Chris: Hey man.
Ben: What’s up, man?
Ben then gives his assessment of the ladies. Nicki is “nurturing” (and boom. you’re gone.). Lindzi “lights up a room”. And Courtney- – – I stopped listening.
Rose Ceremony dress results: Lindzi wins the day by a landslide. Nicki is in a totally non-flattering toga party get-up and Courtney is in granny lace. Even just when I look at Nicki’s and permy curl hair job, I know she is a goner. I see things, ok.
Ben gives a really awkward speech on being with lives and which life he wants to be with. Oy vey.
Lindzi gets a rose. As does Courtney. It’s shocking, really.
Ben has never mastered the art of the send-off speech. Everything comes out as empty platitudes. But I will give him credit for admitting to Nicki he cried today and started to have doubts (and Nicki doesn’t have to know that wasn’t on her account, but Ben’s). Nicki is classy so she says she wants him to be happy “but thinks he will be hurt”. It still boggles the mind after 247 seasons that people have to go through an intimate overnight date and then get dumped just a day or two later.
Although, we should give a little clap that none of the girls presented scrapbooks or stuffed animals or heirloom jewelry.
I think my favorite part of every season is WTA. I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.