Before we carry on to the business at hand, we have been neglecting to discuss Emily Maynard being named as the newest Bachelorette. Of course her selection has been a long time foregone conclusion and also, she makes sense. She’s adorable and nice and women and men like her, which is rare. Well, men love her and fantasize about her and would probably fight one another to the death to end up with her. I also like the uniqueness of having someone in the driver seat who has a child. That will put an interesting spin on things. To know you’re getting the whole package, not just the goods in front of you. All that said, I am just a wee bit disappointed. There is something plastic, lovely but plastic, about her. Maybe it’s the Southern genteelness, I don’t know. I also don’t want to hear about Ricky’s death anymore. I know that’s mean of me. But most of all, and this is a big one, I cannot stand her fake teeth. I know I have an anti-veneers fetish but I’m sorry. Some sets are better than others and hers is not great. So I am trying to imagine a whole season of veneers and it’s stressing me out. But I would love to hear your thoughts.
But I will gun for Emily I am sure. Because it will probably be an interesting season and also because we’re so closely connected. It turns out she went to the SAME boarding school as my older brother! That is a massive connection, isn’t it? They were like ten class years apart and she only went there for a year and I didn’t go to the school- but I just feel so close to her, you know?
Now, on to the show! This confusing, beguiling show!
Vieques, Puerto Rico. The preview makes me so mad at Courtney that for one second, I consider turning off the tv. As if!
YAY, THE CARTOON MAP IS BACK! I have missed the cartoon airplane flying map thing. Amazing that you can watch true love form and get a geography lesson each week.
Girls on the boat. Emily admits she is distracted by Courtney. Understatement much? Courtney says “when you’ve wronged me, there is nothing you can say to recover from that, bitch”. She would make an awesome mob wife. Also, Courtney smiles at the phat house (W spa) – which is weird because she seemed annoyed to be going back to PR during last week’s rose ceremony.
I don’t think Chris should be wearing a plaid flannel on a tropical island. Seems incongruous.
Let’s Find a New Love in Old San Juan date with Nicki and her yellow fingernails
I am worried about Nicki’s weird tight scarf dress that kind of looks like tie dye. But her body can rock it at least. She brings out Ben’s playful side, he says. HELICOPTER. I forgot Nicki was married before. Probably the worst thing you can get in Latin America is a shaved ice, no? Did this episode have an outtake scene? Maybe it should have been Nicki with Montezuma’s Revenge. Now it’s pouring rain. It’s raining gatos, Ben says. I know what gatos means from one of our kids’ Baby Einstein toys. This rain will not throw Nicki off because as we know, she lives life to the fullest.
So the rain-soaked couple go buy some traditional (I guess?) Puerto Rican/Colombian clothes. Nicki’s pretty flowy scarf-like dress is a major improvement. Ben is in all white and is “muy caliente!” Except that when Nicki says muy muy, it sounds like moo moo. They rubberneck a wedding, looking in the open church, as the betrothed couple walks to Pachelbell’s Canon. This seems to render them both pensive. It’s not a turn-on like sitting by a sacred Asian temple and heavily fondling Ashley Hebert.
It’s nighttime now and Ben’s got some casual suspenders hangin’. Nicki is wearing kind of a not-great tighty aqua dress. They break down Nicki’s DEEvorce. Blah blah blah Nicki lost trust in her ex and they changed as people. The camera pans up from her tan legs multiple times. Ben excuses her behavior because she was “young”. Now she is 26 and old. Ben gives a speech but who is listening? He’s twirling the rose. And she accepts. And if I am reading too much into Ben’s People mag blog, they also get engaged at the end.
The girls bicker at the house over who “deserves” a one-on-one. Totally coincidental then that the Group Date card comes.
Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend Group Date
It’s: Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B, Emily ( why does she shout “yay!!”?? Everyone gets a date so she got the crappy one.), Rachel, Casey S, Jamie, Blakeley.
The crew head to Roberto Clemente stadium to Play Ball! Girls are in their little workout outfits. It’s the Gigantes team, I think. Are they like a SF Giants farm team? Can someone break this down for me? Some coach is there to run drills. Blakeley is psyched cause she is super athletic. Will her boobs be able to handle it? Courtney later says: Who knew strippers could play baseball? I need an entire ATFR about Courtney. So many thoughts.
Dorky Chris comes out with his polo shirt and bullhorn. To get to tonight’s Beach Party, your baseball team has to win. Because there are 9 women, one woman has to “play for both teams”. Hahahahaha. Ben gets to choose who is guaranteed to go to the beach party. He chooses Lindzi. I am surprised as it comes out of his mouth, but then again I am as fooled by the editing as the next person. But can’t Lindzi then help or hurt the team she wants to compete with at the after party and vice versa? I demand a do-over.
Team captains are Courtney and Blakeley. Rachel’s bangs are picked last. The girls go to the locker room to get in their shorty shorts and apply their black under-eye anti-glare makeup. Is pitcher Ben throwing softballs or what! And poor Jennifer the Accountant loses the game. This challenge was unfair because one person has to feel like they screwed it for everyone. I feel like I am watching Real World Road Rules Challenge instead of Bach. Blakeley is yelling at her team like Coach on FNL. “I thought you all wanted it as bad as me!” Where is Rosie O’Donnell and Madonna when you need them? Blakeley cries while the helicopter whisks the evil Courtney red team away. Courtney says “there’s no crying in baseball CACKLE CACKLE!” I wish someone had told her that when her panties were in a bunch over Shawntel.
The blue team cries on the bus the whole way home. My 2 1/2 year old is very concerned that everyone is crying. He keeps asking me why they’re sad. I can’t answer because I am too busy squeezing him and his brother and whispering menacingly in their ears: Never Bring Home a Horrible Girlfriend.
Beach Party after party
Ben’s in some plaid shorts. Why, Ben? Courtney is in a confessional saying the blue team are crybabies but she is wearing a colorful drapey dress in this camera confessional when on the beach she is in a white maxidress. Editors, stop stressing me out!
We get a one-second shot of each girl’s alone time with Ben: Lindzi says she wants to be his MVP, Jamie says something (supposedly she said English words out of her mouth), Casey says she is not trying to be standoffish. Courtney meanwhile is commenting on each’s lack of chemistry. Meanwhile, the editors have decided (hmm, I wonder why!) that we need to see the most of Kacie B’s time. In past relationships, Ben is always the unrequited lover, he claims.
Kacie B has poodle hair. Keep it real, girl! Ben takes her on a walk with the rose. He hearts her so much. “I like watching you. I like being with you. You’re really fun and make the best of every situation. You get me to open up without really trying. You really listen.” Courtney is not having that shite. “Kacie B is only 24 and not worldly.” Courtney wants to steal Ben and walk on the beach. She is definitely naked under that white sheer dress I think. She obviously foreshadows for him some skinny-dipping in the near future.
Ben looks annoyed and is looking all over the place. He tells the camera he “doesn’t know” about skinny-dipping. For a moment I think his better judgement may save the day! But meanwhile, Mr. Happy is poking a huge hole in his pants.
Let’s Find Love Somewhere Private… date with Elyse
I will say right off the bat I dislike Elyse. She was a total bizz during the Shawntel fiasco. Also, her flat NY tri-state area accent annoys me. Elyse misses being in love, she says. She also gave up her job to be here. (Can a personal trainer “give up a job” per se?) Elyse is already crying and hasn’t even gone on the date.
The not-really-lovers yacht it out. Omg, Ben reminds us all that the last time he did this kind of date he was with Ashley. Ugh, I remember that. They were hysterically giggling over each other’s feet.
Elyse says she has done everything she wants to do in life. Also, she left her job and missed her best friend’s wedding. Elyse is way too fake tanned for me. I think it’s the gym rat in her. Her rocked out bod though hits the water with Ben. They cuddle in matching towels.
Then they pull up on a beach dinner with Ben in a weird highwaters beach tux ensemble and Elyse in a one-arm white dress. They are dressed like a wedding couple for some bizarre reason. Ben is still smarting over Elyse claiming she has accomplished everything she wants to. She clarifies she means she’s has done everything she wants to single. “I’m sick of being single.” “I want to be in a relationship, be engaged and be married.” Ben goes white as a ghost. Elyse starts off in dangerous Samantha territory and says it’s annoying to watch all the other girls who had one-on-one dates coming home. Ben scratches his head – his physical tip-off that he’s about to dump her. Why does he have to hold the rose while he is saying she doesn’t get it? That is mean. Even to immature Elyse.
Elyse just doesn’t understand but Ben says I’m sorry, but you are an incredible woman. Don’t lie, Ben! My English childminder says “He doesn’t even help her in the boat?? Where is chivalry?!” (You have to imagine that exclaimed with a British accent.) Then they play that David Gray song in all its romantic and intense heartbreak glory. But it doesn’t fit because Ben is not sad. You wouldn’t necessarily know that though because the producers make him walk along the beach morosely with the rose. Cut to the rose floating to its death in the water. HAHAHAHA. As my mother says: a new low for the show.
Blakeley feels something in the air. Just then a security guard comes to get the suitcase. The girls are like “SHUT THE FUDGE UP.” Girls are so heinous sometimes. Courtney says maybe the Jersey Shore came out on Elyse’s date. “Another one bites the dust.” “Blew my panties off!” I feel like I should give Courtney credit: she is a GOOD villain.
When he comes come, Ben is positively GIDDY that Courtney greets him at the door, breaking the rules, with some wine and her baby voice in tow. “I hope I am a vision after a long day… a sight for sore eyes. After the date with Elyse, his eyes are probably a little sore.” She is a self-proclaimed Little Miss Sunshine. If she means the kind of sunshine that makes people die of malignant squamous cell carcinoma cancer, then yes, yes she is.
Ben’s penis agrees with the plan at hand. But I have to say that if Ben ends up with Kacie B in the end or anyone else, he is flat out disrespecting that woman right now. Dating all the women – fine. It’s required. This is not required and is so disgustingly gratuitous. Courtney keeps saying: “You’re only in Puerto Rico once!” Courtney, YOU WERE THERE 2 WEEKS AGO, REMEMBER???
My childminder wants a jellyfish to bite them both. Courtney says: “I feel like I’m winning.”
Some of the girls got some Vitamin D! Ben knows he shared an “intimate moment” with Courtney and is having some regrets as he enters the room.
Jennifer is extra pretty tonight. The Accountant needed some sun methinks because look at her pretty face and gorgeous aquamarine eyes!
Kacie B is so classy. She is trying to make Blakeley feel better about talking to Ben. Blakeley gets that time with him soon after. She really seems like a genuine person for having the exterior she has. Blakeley feels like she deserves someone like Ben, she has had an epiphany. I like her. I have ever since I realized she wasn’t even remotely the villain ABC was clearly hoping for from the tatted-out cocktail waitress. And who cares what she does for a living? A cocktail waitress just had 17 kids with Matt Damon!
I guess Rachel and Lindzi each get one-on-one time but we have no idea what happens on them. We’re too busy with am innuendo-filled skinny-dipping convo amongst the girls which Courtney initiates.
It’s one-on-one time with Emily and she makes sure to dig her eventual grave deeper by reminding Ben she had talked crap about Courtney last week. She says, “I don’t know want to talk crap anymore BUT I still find her to be a weirdo and she’s showing you a different side.” She brings up words like deception and weird shit. Ben then accuses Emily of assuming and tells her to drop it and tread lightly. Emily realizes she screwed up AGAIN. I think Em deserves to go. Why would you do the one thing multiple times that the Bachelor has asked you NOT to do?
Look at this colorful dress tableau at the rose ceremony!!
So Chris Harrison says only one girl is leaving. Since Elyse didn’t get the last rose, that means that the number handed out at the rose ceremony is discretionary. After Nicki and Kacie B, the “winners” are:
Casey S – WHY? She looks like a boring Whitney Port to me.
WHAT? Ben. You. Suck. No wait. EDITORS, YOU SUCK. I am the most disappointed I have ever been in this show’s history I think. Jennifer was awesome and has gorgeous eyes and am impressive career and a good, clean soul. She is crying so hard, she is hyperventilating. Lots of girls cry, but she actually seems heartbroken.
I now hope it all goes awry for Ben. Until I change my mind next week.
Panama City, Panama is the most glamorous city in Central America?
Kacie B and Courtney have one-on-ones. Something terrible happens to someone in Casey S’s family? That’s sad. I do want her to leave though.
And if my eyes do not deceive me, Lindzi also makes it pretty far. And I think Nicki.