bachelor ben episode five recap: Ben’s *other brain* decides to get nude with A Model

Jennifer, your strike-out will cost you more than you know.

Before we carry on to the business at hand, we have been neglecting to discuss Emily Maynard being named as the newest Bachelorette. Of course her selection has been a long time foregone conclusion and also, she makes sense. She’s adorable and nice and women and men like her, which is rare. Well, men love her and fantasize about her and would probably fight one another to the death to end up with her. I also like the uniqueness of having someone in the driver seat who has a child. That will put an interesting spin on things. To know you’re getting the whole package, not just the goods in front of you. All that said, I am just a wee bit disappointed. There is something plastic, lovely but plastic, about her. Maybe it’s the Southern genteelness, I don’t know. I also don’t want to hear about Ricky’s death anymore. I know that’s mean of me. But most of all, and this is a big one, I cannot stand her fake teeth. I know I have an anti-veneers fetish but I’m sorry. Some sets are better than others and hers is not great. So I am trying to imagine a whole season of veneers and it’s stressing me out. But I would love to hear your thoughts.

But I will gun for Emily I am sure. Because it will probably be an interesting season and also because we’re so closely connected. It turns out she went to the SAME boarding school as my older brother! That is a massive connection, isn’t it? They were like ten class years apart and she only went there for a year and I didn’t go to the school- but I just feel so close to her, you know?

Now, on to the show! This confusing, beguiling show!

Vieques, Puerto Rico. The preview makes me so mad at Courtney that for one second, I consider turning off the tv. As if!

YAY, THE CARTOON MAP IS BACK! I have missed the cartoon airplane flying map thing. Amazing that you can watch true love form and get a geography lesson each week.

Girls on the boat. Emily admits she is distracted by Courtney. Understatement much? Courtney says “when you’ve wronged me, there is nothing you can say to recover from that, bitch”. She would make an awesome mob wife. Also, Courtney smiles at the phat house (W spa) – which is weird because she seemed annoyed to be going back to PR during last week’s rose ceremony.

I don’t think Chris should be wearing a plaid flannel on a tropical island. Seems incongruous.

Let’s Find a New Love in Old San Juan date with Nicki and her yellow fingernails

I am worried about Nicki’s weird tight scarf dress that kind of looks like tie dye. But her body can rock it at least. She brings out Ben’s playful side, he says. HELICOPTER. I forgot Nicki was married before. Probably the worst thing you can get in Latin America is a shaved ice, no? Did this episode have an outtake scene? Maybe it should have been Nicki with Montezuma’s Revenge. Now it’s pouring rain. It’s raining gatos, Ben says. I know what gatos means from one of our kids’ Baby Einstein toys. This rain will not throw Nicki off  because as we know, she lives life to the fullest.

So the rain-soaked couple go buy some traditional (I guess?) Puerto Rican/Colombian clothes. Nicki’s pretty flowy scarf-like dress is a major improvement. Ben is in all white and is “muy caliente!” Except that when Nicki says muy muy, it sounds like moo moo. They rubberneck a wedding, looking in the open church, as the betrothed couple walks to Pachelbell’s Canon. This seems to render them both pensive. It’s not a turn-on like sitting by a sacred Asian temple and heavily fondling Ashley Hebert.

It’s nighttime now and Ben’s got some casual suspenders hangin’. Nicki is wearing kind of a not-great tighty aqua dress. They break down Nicki’s DEEvorce. Blah blah blah Nicki lost trust in her ex and they changed as people. The camera pans up from her tan legs multiple times. Ben excuses her behavior because she was “young”. Now she is 26 and old. Ben gives a speech but who is listening? He’s twirling the rose. And she accepts. And if I am reading too much into Ben’s People mag blog, they also get engaged at the end.

The girls bicker at the house over who “deserves” a one-on-one. Totally coincidental then that the Group Date card comes.

Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend Group Date

It’s: Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B, Emily ( why does she shout “yay!!”?? Everyone gets a date so she got the crappy one.), Rachel, Casey S, Jamie, Blakeley.

The crew head to Roberto Clemente stadium to Play Ball!  Girls are in their little workout outfits. It’s the Gigantes team, I think. Are they like a SF Giants farm team? Can someone break this down for me? Some coach is there to run drills. Blakeley is psyched cause she is super athletic. Will her boobs be able to handle it? Courtney later says: Who knew strippers could play baseball? I need an entire ATFR about Courtney. So many thoughts.

Dorky Chris comes out with his polo shirt and bullhorn. To get to tonight’s Beach Party, your baseball team has to win. Because there are 9 women, one woman has to “play for both teams”. Hahahahaha. Ben gets to choose who is guaranteed to go to the beach party. He chooses Lindzi. I am surprised as it comes out of his mouth, but then again I am as fooled by the editing as the next person. But can’t Lindzi then help or hurt the team she wants to compete with at the after party and vice versa? I demand a do-over.

Team captains are Courtney and Blakeley. Rachel’s bangs are picked last. The girls go to the locker room to get in their shorty shorts and apply their black under-eye anti-glare makeup. Is pitcher Ben throwing softballs or what! And poor Jennifer the Accountant loses the game. This challenge was unfair because one person has to feel like they screwed it for everyone. I feel like I am watching Real World Road Rules Challenge instead of Bach. Blakeley is yelling at her team like Coach on FNL. “I thought you all wanted it as bad as me!” Where is Rosie O’Donnell and Madonna when you need them? Blakeley cries while the helicopter whisks the evil Courtney red team away. Courtney says “there’s no crying in baseball CACKLE CACKLE!” I wish someone had told her that when her panties were in a bunch over Shawntel.

The blue team cries on the bus the whole way home. My 2 1/2 year old is very concerned that everyone is crying. He keeps asking me why they’re sad. I can’t answer because I am too busy squeezing him and his brother and whispering menacingly in their ears: Never Bring Home a Horrible Girlfriend.

Beach Party after party

Ben’s in some plaid shorts. Why, Ben? Courtney is in a confessional saying the blue team are crybabies but she is wearing a colorful drapey dress in this camera confessional when on the beach she is in a white maxidress. Editors, stop stressing me out!

We get a one-second shot of each girl’s alone time with Ben: Lindzi says she wants to be his MVP, Jamie says something (supposedly she said English words out of her mouth), Casey says she is not trying to be standoffish. Courtney meanwhile is commenting on each’s lack of chemistry. Meanwhile, the editors have decided (hmm, I wonder why!) that we need to see the most of Kacie B’s time. In past relationships, Ben is always the unrequited lover, he claims.

Kacie B has poodle hair. Keep it real, girl! Ben takes her on a walk with the rose. He hearts her so much. “I like watching you. I like being with you. You’re really fun and make the best of every situation. You get me to open up without really trying. You really listen.” Courtney is not having that shite. “Kacie B is only 24 and not worldly.” Courtney wants to steal Ben and walk on the beach. She is definitely naked under that white sheer dress I think. She obviously foreshadows for him some skinny-dipping in the near future.

Ben looks annoyed and is looking all over the place. He tells the camera he “doesn’t know” about skinny-dipping. For a moment I think his better judgement may save the day! But meanwhile, Mr. Happy is poking a huge hole in his pants.

Let’s Find Love Somewhere Private… date with Elyse

I will say right off the bat I dislike Elyse. She was a total bizz during the Shawntel fiasco. Also, her flat NY tri-state area accent annoys me. Elyse misses being in love, she says. She also gave up her job to be here. (Can a personal trainer “give up a job” per se?) Elyse is already crying and hasn’t even gone on the date.

The not-really-lovers yacht it out. Omg, Ben reminds us all that the last time he did this kind of date he was with Ashley. Ugh, I remember that. They were hysterically giggling over each other’s feet.

Elyse says she has done everything she wants to do in life. Also, she left her job and missed her best friend’s wedding. Elyse is way too fake tanned for me. I think it’s the gym rat in her. Her rocked out bod though hits the water with Ben. They cuddle in matching towels.

Then they pull up on a beach dinner with Ben in a weird highwaters beach tux ensemble and Elyse in a one-arm white dress. They are dressed like a wedding couple for some bizarre reason. Ben is still smarting over Elyse claiming she has accomplished everything she wants to. She clarifies she means she’s has done everything she wants to single. “I’m sick of being single.” “I want to be in a relationship, be engaged and be married.” Ben goes white as a ghost. Elyse starts off in dangerous Samantha territory and says it’s annoying to watch all the other girls who had one-on-one dates coming home. Ben scratches his head – his physical tip-off that he’s about to dump her. Why does he have to hold the rose while he is saying she doesn’t get it? That is mean. Even to immature Elyse.

Elyse just doesn’t understand but Ben says I’m sorry, but you are an incredible woman. Don’t lie, Ben! My English childminder says “He doesn’t even help her in the boat?? Where is chivalry?!” (You have to imagine that exclaimed with a British accent.) Then they play that David Gray song in all its romantic and intense heartbreak glory. But it doesn’t fit because Ben is not sad. You wouldn’t necessarily know that though because the producers make him walk along the beach morosely with the rose. Cut to the rose floating to its death in the water. HAHAHAHA. As my mother says: a new low for the show.

Blakeley feels something in the air. Just then a security guard comes to get the suitcase. The girls are like “SHUT THE FUDGE UP.” Girls are so heinous sometimes. Courtney says maybe the Jersey Shore came out on Elyse’s date. “Another one bites the dust.” “Blew my panties off!” I feel like I should give Courtney credit: she is a GOOD villain.

When he comes come, Ben is positively GIDDY that Courtney greets him at the door, breaking the rules, with some wine and her baby voice in tow. “I hope I am a vision after a long day… a sight for sore eyes. After the date with Elyse, his eyes are probably a little sore.” She is a self-proclaimed Little Miss Sunshine. If she means the kind of sunshine that makes people die of malignant squamous cell carcinoma cancer, then yes, yes she is.

Ben’s penis agrees with the plan at hand. But I have to say that if Ben ends up with Kacie B in the end or anyone else, he is flat out disrespecting that woman right now. Dating all the women – fine. It’s required. This is not required and is so disgustingly gratuitous. Courtney keeps saying: “You’re only in Puerto Rico once!” Courtney, YOU WERE THERE 2 WEEKS AGO, REMEMBER???

My childminder wants a jellyfish to bite them both. Courtney says: “I feel like I’m winning.”

Cocktail Party

Some of the girls got some Vitamin D! Ben knows he shared an “intimate moment” with Courtney and is having some regrets as he enters the room.

Jennifer is extra pretty tonight. The Accountant needed some sun methinks because look at her pretty face and gorgeous aquamarine eyes!

Kacie B is so classy. She is trying to make Blakeley feel better about talking to Ben. Blakeley gets that time with him soon after. She really seems like a genuine person for having the exterior she has. Blakeley feels like she deserves someone like Ben, she has had an epiphany. I like her. I have ever since I realized she wasn’t even remotely the villain ABC was clearly hoping for from the tatted-out cocktail waitress. And who cares what she does for a living? A cocktail waitress just had 17 kids with Matt Damon!

I guess Rachel and Lindzi each get one-on-one time but we have no idea what happens on them. We’re too busy with am innuendo-filled skinny-dipping convo amongst the girls which Courtney initiates.

It’s one-on-one time with Emily and she makes sure to dig her eventual grave deeper by reminding Ben she had talked crap about Courtney last week. She says, “I don’t know want to talk crap anymore BUT I still find her to be a weirdo and she’s showing you a different side.” She brings up words like deception and weird shit. Ben then accuses Emily of assuming and tells her to drop it and tread lightly. Emily realizes she screwed up AGAIN. I think Em deserves to go. Why would you do the one thing multiple times that the Bachelor has asked you NOT to do?

Rose Ceremony

Look at this colorful dress tableau at the rose ceremony!!

So Chris Harrison says only one girl is leaving. Since Elyse didn’t get the last rose, that means that the number handed out at the rose ceremony is discretionary. After Nicki and Kacie B, the “winners” are:

Casey S – WHY? She looks like a boring Whitney Port to me.

WHAT? Ben. You. Suck. No wait. EDITORS, YOU SUCK. I am the most disappointed I have ever been in this show’s history I think. Jennifer was awesome and has gorgeous eyes and am impressive career and a good, clean soul. She is crying so hard, she is hyperventilating. Lots of girls cry, but she actually seems heartbroken.

I now hope it all goes awry for Ben. Until I change my mind next week.


Panama City, Panama is the most glamorous city in Central America?

Kacie B and Courtney have one-on-ones. Something terrible happens to someone in Casey S’s family? That’s sad. I do want her to leave though.

And if my eyes do not deceive me, Lindzi also makes it pretty far. And I think Nicki.



Filed under bachelor episode recap

20 responses to “bachelor ben episode five recap: Ben’s *other brain* decides to get nude with A Model

  1. Jordan

    “I can’t answer because I am too busy squeezing him and his brother and whispering menacingly in their ears: Never Bring Home a Horrible Girlfriend.” = GENIUS

  2. Elizabeth

    Most awesome typo ever: “When he comes come …” So true.

    • yael

      If you saw how quickly I write and post these while my whole house is melting down, you would be so pleased it’s the only x-rated typo in there (I think) 😉

  3. Jenny

    I’ve been dying to discuss this episode with someone! Okay, once again I have to reiterate that I think Ben is a douche:
    1. Picking up the rose and taunting Elyse before sending her home WAS really mean.
    2. Not helping her into the boat. (I agree with your babysitter.)
    3. Making out with Jennifer at the cocktail party one last time just before sending her home. Did he send her home because she is a terrible softball player? What changed?
    Other things that bothered me:
    1. That tux on the date with Elyse made Ben look like he was about to clear bread crumbs off my table and refill my ice water.
    2. Courtney’s annoying mouth gesture everytime she says something she thinks is witty.
    3. Emily dying a slow death.
    4. Why did they make the previews look like Lindzi and Courtney by the hair color/length/voices. WHY Courtney? Although I have to admit she is good at the game.
    5. Kasey S??? Where is the connection? (Clearly she looks like she’s going home next time though.)
    6. Ben letting his pecker do the picking (ala Patti Stanger). Um, how many people think they JUST went skinny dipping. And nothing happened after? Clearly they had their “intimate moment.” Ben looked SO guilty walking into the cocktail party.

    • Elizabeth

      Something happened. And more douche Ben for not picking Courtney first in the rose ceremony. He may be feeling guilty, but be polite.

      • yael

        I agree that something happened re Jennifer we never saw. I read something from before and was reminded that he said multiple times she was the best kisser. They also seemed to have a great time on both dates. I am not saying either of those things merits a proposal but surely she was more worthy of being kept around than Casey S?? It’s annoying that we don’t know what changed with Jennifer and Ben explained nothing in his stupid pointless People blog.

    • yael

      Faye wondered to me whether the two skinny-dippers actually “sealed the deal”. What do you all think? I think yes. I do not believe for one minute Ben had the self-control to prevent it. Once you are naked in the ocean, I mean, cum on!

      • rebecca

        Look at you and your naughty little lingo! Yes, they TOTES did it. They were naked together. Also, are we all in agreement that Courtney is only into Ben because he is the Bachelor? I don’t think she’s all that and I do think Ben is cute, but in the real world, a girl like that would never go for a guy like him. IMHO.

  4. Erin

    I don’t feel good about this… but I’m starting to like Courtney. She’s kinda funny, and she is totally winning (and yes, she totally gave him the business when they were skinny dipping). But from the previews, looks like Kacie B blows up her spot next week. I’ll be kind of bummed if she gets booted. I didn’t like her all along… These feelings started last week, but I wasn’t ready to admit it yet.

    Emily should be way smarter than she’s acting, so she deserves the boot. Even IF Courtney was playing Ben, he told her nicely, and now not so nicely to butt out. How the h-e-l-l did she stay and Jennifer go? Did Jennifer bite Ben’s tongue during that makeout session??? I need to know what happened there. Ben owes that to me.

    • yael

      So Erin, I know (or hope) you are not just liking Courtney to be provocative. So although I definitely do NOT share your sentiment, I think it’s though-provoking and actually made me think for a minute *why* I dislike Courtney so.

      I don’t want to be some pawn of the production team and just hate on Courtney because they want me to for ratings. She is funny, yes. Well, sometimes. Michelle Money made lots of hilarious zingers about all the girls on her season. The difference was she never seemed actually angry (she was alway wryly smiling), never flipped out, was usually doing the other girls’ hair and no woman from that show ever complained about her or felt they had to warn Brad about her cruel and deceptive behavior. In fact, Michele is still pretty popular amongst lots of former cast members.

      Courtney is not just snarky, on the other hand. She is a loose cannon. One minute she claims to be super confident and a winner and little miss sunshine. The next minute when she feels threatened (Shawntel or Emily), she cries, flips out and talks about ripping people’s throats off. All the girls despise her except one (even bitches find lackeys) and she absolutely is not interested in Ben. I don’t like users. More, she is not that pretty. Oh yeah, it’s true. 90% of the girls on the show are more beautiful and less FAS. So it would be nice if she could just chill on the self-obsession.

      Last but not least: “I can toast the highest!” “What’s Her Butt?” Comments like that make me actually upchuck a little but of my food. There was this guy in my high school who if you asked him “What’s up?” he would respond “chicken butt!” Erin, do you see how I have been scarred?

      • rebecca

        Courtney is funny – agreed – but also very very mean. And I think she’s pretty, but not nearly as pretty as she thinks she is.

  5. Ben dropped several points on my scorecard after the skinny dipping with Courtney. Am I the only one who thinks Courtney always looks uncomfortable around him? It makes me uncomfortable. I was scared for Blakely during the rose ceremony. She seemed to be having a genuine period of not being able to oxygenate properly, which ended when she heard her name. Whew. But I am even more scared about what will happen when she gets the boot.

  6. meghan

    I don’t think I’ve hated anyone over the years as much as I hate Courtney. Why is she the only one the editors are giving commentary to? Her weird lip movements make me yell at the tv. She’s wretched.

    • yael

      Yeah, I mean it would be nice to see Jamie speak for one second. Someone nerdy needs to do a screen time spreadsheet so we know what a travesty this is.

  7. 1. Emily Maynard.BARF! She was fine at first, but overall her general perfect appearance was just damn annoying. Don’t judge me. I also don’t care that she is a single parent and don’t want to hear how hard it is (except it must not be too bad to run off and serial date for a few months). And honestly, will she ever be over Ricky? If she always compares her young love experience with him to every other relationship, then I predict a complete failure every time.

    2. Courtney. So much to say in this episode about her. I also hate her and her lip. I also yell at the TV. I am sure if I was there I would have punched her or acted dumb like Emily. Most likely dumb like Emily. (boo) Yes, I am totally uncomfortable watching C & B together and not sure I see anything other than her attempting to “win”. Two naked adults in the ocean, alone. Hmmm. Are there any arguments against the obvious?

    3. Who in the world plays sports in those ridiculous outfits? I almost couldn’t watch it. There were some serious flashbacks to 7th/8th grade gym uniforms. Is this fashion making a come back? If so, glad my body style won’t support me partaking. Blakely…ugh…really, your shirt is tight as hell did you have to show your entire mid section? These producers are all men, aren’t they?

    4. Jennifer? I must have missed something because they were totally awkward-town each time I remember seeing them. My memory stinks, btw.

    5. Kasey B for the win, however given the “voice” we heard at the end, it sounds like Mrs. Southern isn’t gonna make it. Boooo!

    6. Please o’ please make there some really juicy Courtney drama happen next week. After Superbowl weekend I will need to indulge in some terrible over the top female drama. Having her kicked off and then going on the freak out would be fantastic.

    7. I missed the entire part that Emily talks to Ben about Crazy Courtney. Did anyone else not see that? I was waiting for it since it was on the preview from last week. Also surprised she stayed around…however, doesn’t it look like there may be a group confrontation to Ben on Crazy Courtney?

    • yael

      No Emily did confront Ben again about Courtney. It was right before the rose ceremony I think.

      I kind of liked the baseball uniforms! I would love to be able to rock shorts like that. Holy.

      I am sure the show will deliver after the Superbowl. It has to. This is my superbowl, universe!

  8. julie

    1. another outraged vote for “why did accountant get the boot?” over Courtney and Jamie, who really should be called The Silent One, or the Mystery Woman, bc she’s gotten all of 5 seconds of screen time, and maybe a whole 10 seconds with Ben…what the heck? confused.
    2.I think Courtney is totally sealing the deal for her place on Bachelor Pad, and yes I think they totally did IT or close to it.
    3. Blakely after the stomping, highlighting Emily’s hair, and impressive baseball skills, I totally like her! and we both live in Charlotte, I want to run into her at the grocery store and tell her she’s so cool…oh that makes me also “neighbors” with Emily Maynard! My babysitter/childminder 🙂 saw her driving her car once!

    • yael

      I totally agree that Blakeley is seriously likable. Also, I would so welcome Courtney on Bachelor Pad. That’s her show. That’s where plotters should go. That’s the point of the show and I would embrace her shenanigans. But on The Bachelor she is just wasting my time. Once a decade at least one couple needs to make it. Trista was for the 80s (hahahahaha), Jason and Molly were for the oughts. And now the clock is ticking and Courtney is not helping matters. I can actually kind of see Ali and Ben together. Is that weird?

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