Ben is on a horse. It’s not quite Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall but, I’ll take it. I will take Ben. He has always struck me as himself, a self who is laid back, loyal, funny, smart, interesting and silly. And he’s got that medium-length hair. And because those are all good, real, fun qualities, America is not having it. The ratings are in the toilet.
But don’t tell Courtney that. Because’s she’s a winner.
There is more talking and Chris Harrison says some stuff and I feel my usual way- like I want to pull him aside to see what’s behind him. Tick tock, hurry up people! The baby is sleeping and I don’t have time for the 2,985th explanation of the rules of this game.
Kacie B is wallowing in misery but she loves Ben so much and it crushes her for him to be with anyone else. I can’t fault anyone for that per se, if you really are falling in love with someone, the whole group whore thing would be a tough pill to swallow. And she seems like she really loves him. Frontrunner! And finally, the date card.
Let’s Let Nature Take Its Course date with Rachel
Their helicopter is soaring over some pretty sick vistas, I must say. Just this one helicopter ride, I can handle.
I dig Rachel’s husky voice, the very delicate nose piercing and of course, those epic bangs. But from the get go, we’re all a little worried about her. It seems the bulk of the date has the chemistry of two pals and the conversation, when one actually succeeds, is always about how Rachel is a terrible communicator, never opens up and always had problems in relationships because of it.
Regardless, Ben says he likes where things are going with Rachel. She is “super mellow…great”. And the man actually makes a rare astute point that the down to earth/low-key dates make it easier to get to know someone. He is diplomatically insinuating that Broadway cast auditions, flash mobs dance and skiing down a city street aren’t always the best way to go. Rachel, meanwhile, is preoccupied with being nervous it’s a first date of sorts. She almost seems to want the gaggle of women along for the ride.
The couple is canoeing in the middle of a lake. Ben’s feeling the romance and leans in for a kiss. But all I can see are at least 200 flying insects swarming around them. My babysitter says Ben is a loud kisser. But I just see those insects. Are they wearing DEET? I am so nervous.
Then while they picnic along the bank (it’s a bank, right?), they have nothing to talk about except squinting and crow’s feet. Ben tells us, the viewing audience, “the conversation is lagging”. He has to resort to pointing out a beaver damn, for crying out loud. Ben is left confused as to how he feels – he “can’t put his finger on it.” Doesn’t see in her actions that she’s interested. None of us are falling for this reverse psychology.
Then an “eerie awesome” walk through the woods to a lodge with private table ensues and Rachel says “I think I’m nervous because I kind of hate opening up.” Oh I just don’t see how this can go well.
Ben tries to ask her about Rachel’s relationship record and she responds “this fire’s hot.” She then says she is falling for him but her problem in relationships is opening up and she is terrible at communication. Apparently her communicating about hating communicating was enough for sweet, good-natured Ben. Rachel gets the rose. Then they head outside for s’mores. Ben likes kissing Rachel he tells us. Loud kisses ensue.
Let’s See if You’re a Good Catch group date
It was so great Emily read off this date card. She named every girl with a little pizzazz but then did a big throat clearing for Courtney. She does not have her PhD in subtlety, but no worries. The date is going to be: Jamie, Casey S, Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B, achem…Courtney. Tee hee hee.
Ben rides up to the date on a horse. He wants to show his country side, his “rougher” side. I love all the gross innuendo on this gross show.
Blakeley says she loves when Ben gallops across a river on a horse. Ben, however, looked terrified. Lindzi of course loves a man “in a saddle”. Enough of this horseplay. HAHAHAHA.
The group gets to a stream and I can’t figure out why the girls are so excited to “catch their lunch” via fly fishing. I mean, they scream with delight when they see the gear. I would be grumpy about those insects. Kacie B is grumpy about sharing Ben.
Courtney doesn’t want to catch a trout, she wants to “catch Ben”. Her hipster Brooklyn skully crotched hat is making me mad. She has such a stink eye, but her baby voice is in full effect when Ben is nearby in the water. Ben looks positively giddy to hang out with her. He says she is “wonderful” because she knows how to fly fish.
Lindzi is awesome because she’s like, hells no Model Beitch, you don’t get ma man all to yourself. But she can’t rescue our main man because the producers of the show float a fish right by Courtney and she catches it and she and Ben kiss it and have a little baby voiced-exchange about the whole experience.
AFTER PARTY at Waldorf Astoria Park City
(can you call it an ‘after party’ after fly fishing?)
I am not into Courtney’s forehead. Let it be declared to the whole internet. Her forehead is not winning for me.
Ben requests some time with Casey S. So Ben is very good at being on a mission to make sure every week he has a chance to really talk to all the girls and see whether there is a connect. Most Bachelors kind of party down and wait for people to ask them for time. I like that Ben does this instead. He tells us he really digs Casey S: her smile, independence, free-spirited demeanor. And because I momentarily forget that Casey S is Courtney’s best friend in the house, I feel like I like her too. They talk about love and I am not sure I believe Ben fallen in love four times. That seems like a lot to me. I don’t know if on my wedding day I would want to be #5. But then again, Ben has been dating for 15 years. I supposed twu wuv can happen a few times.
The girls cheers to ‘not interrupting’, but Nicki cannot do that. She steals Ben away from Casey S to say she lives life to the fullest and something about her dead friend who is 49. Ben just had a friend die the other day too. They have dead friends in common! I am always so skeptical of someone who has to articulate that their personal philosophy is to live life to the fullest (actions, not words! Plus, I don’t believe you since you spend a lot of this show crying!) but Ben is into it and they kiss.
Then Samantha wants a sit down to complain she’s been on 3 group dates. She is probably trying to say something complimentary about falling for Ben and wanting so bad to have some alone time with him but her word choice and delivery are classic Samantha poor. Ben is appalled. Ben is getting angry. Ben doesn’t see in Samantha’s actions she is taking this seriously. All of the sudden I think Samantha has a little facial structure resemblance to Lady Gaga. Oh wait, what did I miss? She gets the boot and says her goodbyes to all the girls. I am starting to think these group dates after parties have to be at the hotel because there is always some dramatic exit requiring all the cast members’ attention.
While Samantha cries it out and all the girls are shocked because they heart her and because she was truly into Ben, I am dubious. I wanted to like Samantha. She is cute and seems like she could be fun and laid back. But she was such a bad shit-talker, even in the beginning, and so she needed to go at some point or another.
Ben steals Kacie B. Bless Ben’s cute face and sweet heart. He really likes this girl and always wants to make sure she knows. They hold hands and go to his room! He reassures Kacie B and says he wanted to kiss her in the water while fly fishing. Babysitter and I lock eyes and exclaim AWWWWWW. Ben feels really good about her. Ben is smitten. He says “I’m in trouble with Kacie B” and “I like this girl.” “The relationship is growing faster than most.” He looks GONE!! He says he might marry this girl. YAHOO. I can’t wait until Foreheady StinkEye finds out.
But then Ben steals Courtney herself to the upstairs fireplace. It is a little man-whorish I must say. Just the rapid-fire turnaround time. I like that Courtney in her Missoni bathing suit is letting some of her true colors show by bitching that this is so hard for her. Because she needs reassurance in a more terrible way than Kacie B, Ben goes to get the rose for her. Of course. Chump. He admits the rose was going to go to someone else until he learned “Courtney wasn’t doing well.” Winning. As she says.
Let’s Pick Our Love Song date with Jennifer
Jennifer is normal, normal, normal and pretty and so sweet and so we are fans of hers. Courtney is “not worried” because thinks they are just going to be friends. I am so glad the Model weighed in with her totally unperceptive opinion.
The date pair approach a No Trespassing sign and a barbed wire fence and cage in a field. There are trust and overcoming fears analogies bandied about and then they stand above a crater. The whole thing is a stupid setup.
Jennifer is such an Accountant. She is like “do we need shoes?” I love it. They need to “take this plunge.” “Relationships are all about trust.”
They rapel down together so Jennifer has to stifle her terror. They drop in the water. Is this romantic with helmet heads and echoing voices?
Then they take a chair lift up a mountain. I like those crazy sun guards on the chair lift. Rich people have so many good ideas!
Jennifer and Ben (oh like Bennifer!!) have a cozy picnic dinner outside. Ben wants to know if the Accountant can handle a crazy schedule and lifestyle and flexibility. I am a little offended by his line of questioning. Just then the heavens open and it pours. Mr. Cutiepie Obvious says “it’s raining!” Jennifer likes this “sexy rain”. They both find it romantic.
Back at the ranch the girls all talk about how great Jennifer is except Courtney, being she is so talented at narcissism, talks about how she, Courtney, gets along so well with guys and always had boyfriends. I would suggest maybe this is a non sequitur but I am guessing inside her big forehead the comment makes sense to her. Meanwhile, Blakeley is coloring Emily’s hair. It’s nice to see for once how the girls actually spend the time in a house of estrogen with no media or communication devices. My childminder points out that it is so nice of Blakeley to help make another girl look good on a dating competition show. I couldn’t agree more. See mom, Blakeley is not even remotely this season’s villain! She just has fake boobs and teeth but those aren’t crimes (yet). Monica says true colors will shine to Ben eventually with Courtney Preach it!
Back at the date Ben’s rose speech to Jennifer is that he wasn’t initially sure about her. But now wants her to have the rose. Um, okay I guess. Ugh, bad rose speech, dude.
This date has now had three separate segments: crater swimming, outdoor picnic, indoor table chat. I am going to get whiplash if there is a fourth. THERE IS A FOURTH. The pair run to a pre-arranged “private” concert with some country singer and a bizarre-o planted audience of white Utahns. Bennifer starts dancing and Jennifer says it feels so normal. Even though no one else is dancing because they are contractually obligated not to. Jennifer, who is normally smart and likable, says: “it makes me feel really special Ben would put this together for me.” The blonde next to them is SO PSYCHED to be on camera. She’s totally texting all her friends.
Cocktail party before Rose Ceremony
Jennifer’s dress is awesome and Courtney gives her a weird rose toast. We both have roses, rose chinchin! I so dislike Forehead McMeany.
Ben says, “my wife is in that room.” I get excited because I think he means it. Now some of you out there have read spoilers so don’t make fun of me for saying this: Kacie B for Mrs. Flajnik!
Emily can’t get off Courtney misleading Ben and wants to say something to Ben. NOOOOOOOO, dooooon’t doooo ittttttt. “Courtney is a statue made of marble. Beautiful but cold and hard on the inside.” Emily then tells Ben how she feels and what’s what. Then Ben gets angry face. No one talks about My Model! Ben says that “if this person consumes you (Emily), it will end up in your own demise.” I don’t like Ben’s affection towards Marbleface, but he is right in his advice to Emily. Not that she takes it to heart, as seen in previews for next week.
Casey S is PISSED that someone would talk bad about her bestie behind her back. Emily runs her mouth to Casey S anyway about how terrible Courtney is. Casey then pulls the oldest trick in the book. “I’m going to go get a drink” ie I will run and tell Courtney every bad thing you just said word for word. Now I officially dislike Casey too. Whether Courtney is a good person or not or you are besties or not, that is just immature. To go tattle. Do you ever wish women had Man Code?
It’s funny how on rewind on iTunes, Courtney looks even more evil. I do agree Emily shouldn’t have been “sweating” Courtney on her one on one time with Ben, but it’s the last appropriate thing out of Courtney’s mouth. Next gems include: “I’m a nice person. “I want to rip Emily’s head off and verbally assault her” (do you verbally assault the severed head part or the remaining torso? How does that work?) “I want to shave her eyebrows off.”
Time with Ben and Nicki. Cute tongue snow-catching. Right now Nicki is living life to the fullest.
Kacie asks a raising hand question to the group about who has learned more about themselves in the past two weeks than in the past two years, and Monica’s boobs pop out. Courtney just knows herself so well that she refuses to raise a hand or appease Kacie B.
Courtney then picks a fight with Emily based on what she heard from Casey S and Emily tries to fake she didn’t shit-talk her behind her back. I like Emily. I dislike Courtney. But Emily is lying. She is feigning surprise and disbelief but is being as 5th grade as the other.
Ben comes out and says this night is some kind of turning point or something. He needs girls that can see the light at end of the tunnel. Wha? Remaining roses to:
Lindzi Horse Dimples
Jamie Who Never Talks – I like her sparkly blue dress
Nicki Carpe Diem
Kacie B – who looks surprisingly like Sandra Bullock at this moment
Elyse – what’s her story anyway?
Blakeley – a nice, non-villainy, flipper-toothed VIP waitress
Casey S – BOO
And goodbye Monica. It never seemed meant to be. But she is sad and now doesn’t believe in true love. I think the Bachelor Pad can fix that right up.
Vieques, Puerto Rico
When Ben announces it at this week’s toast, Spawn of Satan pouts: “I was just there two months ago.” Ben is actually taken aback for a second. Courtney then totally rehabilitates herself by inexplicably declaring “I can go higher than anybody!” during the raising of the glasses.
Courtney will be her own demise. But first, she has to get naked with Ben in the ocean!
Blakeley stomps it out. My babysitter says “she is Street, I like her.” Oh she’s Street alright.