bachelorette ashley episode 9 recap: it would have been more fun if that masked guy came back to surprise us

RY! Silly fool. I only like when malicious con artists come back and surprise me. NOT genuine and earnest hopeless romantics. Also, this outfit is not doing me any favors.

This recap begins with the usual caveat that I definitely didn’t pay attention to every detail this episode. I was busy either dealing with a child, or peppering my friends with important questions like “Would you make out with Ben?” (2 of 3 of us said Yes).

But I paid attention enough to know that the top three guys + Ashley are in Fiji this week. I don’t know if I missed the cartoon map and cartoon plane bit, but I feel like I don’t know where Fiji really is. I do know though, thanks to ABC, that it’s kind of REDONK beautiful.

We have to first be subjected, of course, to recaps of all the guys even though we saw everything happen from the recap 5 minutes ago. I have to say though, I GOT butterflies when I saw JP come out of the limo again. What is it with this shaved-head Jew?! Yum.

There is also the token shot of Ashley pensively looking at water with, natch, a loosey goosey off-the-shoulder thingy wrap. I got worried this would be another Asian outpost where it rains nonstop, but the rain only appeared to bookend the episode.

Ryan’s surprise

You know what else worried me off the bat? Why Ryan is creeping up on Ashley in Fiji. Can ABC be this asinine to encourage such a foolhardy move? Yes, yes it can.

So I don’t even know how to dissect what Ryan does and then what Ashley does. It basically goes like this:

  1. Ryan decides to do something big, bold, potentially romantic and insane and flies all the way from Somewhere, USA to Fiji to see if Ashley is willing to give him one more try to see if they have a connection.
  2. In theory, this is an incredible gesture, and one I sort of understand. Ryan did get the shaft by never getting a 1 on 1 date until after like a million days of taping and therefore, the odds were majorly stacked against him. He gets that, and also feels like there was once a connection with he and Ash, and so wants to make sure he has no regrets and tries one last time.
  3. In reality, this is a terrible idea. Ashley has never excelled at grace and her initial rejection of Ryan (and non-gracefully so) should have cemented for him that she is not worth his time.
  4. When Ryan actually surprises her (and no doubt he had rehearsed this moment for days and days and the entire million-hour flight to Fiji), Ashley’s reaction is typical low-energy body language and obvious disinterest. She just squeals things like “Ry! RY!” and turns red and really doesn’t say anything. This is because Ashley is a lot of things, but super classy is not one of them. Even if the idea of making out with Ryan makes her want to vomit in her mouth, it is a bold gesture and she could have rewarded him with a compliment for being so dedicated and romantic and also with, oh I don’t know, A COFFEE.
  5. Ryan’s rehearsed speech unfortunately includes him summarizing their failed one date (“we went to tai chi and a temple…”).
  6. Ashley continues her blank stares and lip biting.
  7. Ryan is classy and tells Ashley to think it over.
  8. Ashley is not classy so leaves Ryan hanging for at least three days as a tortured soul wandering Fiji and staring up into the sky at helicopter dates, and then after all that time, goes back to his rented villa and informs him as dispassionately as possible the same exact thing she said the first time she rejected him- essentially, “You’re perfect on paper but in flesh and blood you nauseate me so much you make me want to go lesbo.”
  9. Ryan is classy so wraps up the convo with a little good bye speech about how Ashley is amazing and hopefully finds true love (or something).
  10. Ashley is not classy so she just saunters away with her little middle school tank top and Old Navy shorts.
  11. Ryan has some ‘splaining to do at The Men Tell All.

Ben’s overnight

Ben is super tan. On a sailboat and the two lovebirds are both wearing a peachy red hue. I am jealous of this yacht date. Ben refers to them as “giddy little schoolchildren”. They apply sunscreen to each other in some really long, drawn out foreplay session. Then they go snorkeling and Ashley describes for us the color of the fish. She CAN’T BELIEVE the fish come in so many colors.

At night there is a romantically-set dinner table on the beach. Which is weird because we have definitely never seen this date motif before. Ben has a grin on his face. He is SO into Ashley. I am pretty into Ben at this point. He is too nervous to say I Love You to her yet, but basically says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. It’s bold and he seems to 100% mean it.

There is a sexy overnight. Someone says “journey”.

Constantine, the Greek God’s overnight (or not)

The kids take a helicopter ride and Constantine declares that Ashley is “crushing his bucket list”, which I think is a clever and rad thing to say. But his use of “crushing” as a verb with this meaning just affirms for me that he epitomizes a Greek-heritaged Southern surfer dude. Which will just never comport with Ashley’s New England uptight self-consciousness.

More bucket list stuff with a waterfall. Then Ashley very unfortunately says something about taking a leap of faith is a metaphor for a relationship and I am disappointed because (a) someone says this every season before bungee jumping or waterfall jumping, and (b) Ashley and Constantine are jumping from like 4 feet above the water.

It’s dinnertime now and I want to know if my eyes have deceived me, or is Ashley wearing a peach romper with hooker shoes? This starts an episode-long tirade by me of why-in-h-e-double hockey sticks Ashley keeps wearing inappropriate shoes for a beachy island ambiance.

Dinner goes better than I expected. It’s been nagging at me for weeks that Constantine is a super good-natured and amenable guy, but just doesn’t seem specifically into Ashley. Finally a conversation where Constantine says that if Ben and Ashley fall in love, he would be fine with it, leads to an inevitable, but very mature, goodbye between the two of them.

Constantine is honest when asked that he is not sure and doesn’t yet know he wants to propose and is not falling in love. Then, he actually declares himself that it’s the end of the road for him! I like your style, Constantine. Send yourself home. Go make me some chicken parm. Mmmm.

JP’s overnight

Ashley’s body language and demeanor is so excited. Mine too. JP = yum.

The happy couple sets off on a seaplane for their own private island. Upon lading, we are treated to so many bright aquas and turquoises and palm trees and white sand that I can’t actually believe this is a real place and not a default Microsoft screen saver image.

JP and Ashley are all over each other and snogging the way people do when they want to “do it” really bad, and also get married.

JP says, “I feel pretty good about us… I’m ready for the end.” This guy totes wants to marry her, and is so confident. It’s honestly making for a compelling end of the season since there are two legitimate contenders each in love with boring Ash. Also compelling because I would make out with both of them. Ashley and I agree on something.

What we DO NOT AGREE ON are Ashley’s stiletto heels and garishly huge Diamonique hoop earrings. Her attire is opposite of jungle-appropriate.

Ashley then dramatically tells JP she sent home “two guys”. JP later says, “I want Ashley to be my wife. I know I’m in love with her” Yow. Zas.

Sit-down with Chris Harrison

Chris talks a lot about the weather.

Pointless Rose Ceremony

Was pointless.


I mean, we know already. Tatted sister is a bitch. Someone maybe proposes.

More importantly, soon we get to watch Bachelor Pad!



Filed under bachelorette episode recap

8 responses to “bachelorette ashley episode 9 recap: it would have been more fun if that masked guy came back to surprise us

  1. erin

    I’m totally with you Yael.

    1. She told Ryan, right after crushing not his bucket list, but his dreams… That she is really happy and in love with two guys. Really? You couldn’t just let him leave without saying that. It kind of sounded like she wanted him to ask her all about the loves of her life.
    2. They probably don’t even wear black dresses to funerals in Fiji…what was she thinking? Maybe she packed for NY and then found out mid-flight that she was actually going to Fiji. Then maybe all the stores that sell appropriate beach dresses (like her dinner dress with Ben) were closed for her whole trip? I mean really.

    I think she is more into Ben and more comfortable with JP. Usually of the last two standing, one is evil and the other good. Ashley managed to get down to two good guys. Pretty remarkable recovery from the Bentley fiasco.

    I’m looking forward to Men Tell All. I recently became aware that drunk Tim went my elementary school and was in my brother’s crew… One of the guys posted about it on facebook and our teacher responded shame on him, or something. Ouch. I hope he’s there Sunday…

    • yael

      I am laughing at the prospect of all the beach dress stores bing closed. What about the hotel gift shop??

      I totes agree. Gratuitous meanness to also tell Ry that she is in love with the other guys. I am now most interested to hear him speak at MTA. Which means ABC won’t even give him a pulpit. They will waste the whole hour on Bentley even though NO ONE CARES. But hope Drunk Tim also gets a few seconds.

  2. Becky from JMU

    Yael, I can’t remember how I found your blog, but I’m thrilled to add some Fiji details… my Peace Corps assignment was in Savusavu, same town as the resort they filmed at (thank you, taxpayers… it is that beautiful!). The resort is owned by Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker… and they have a bachelorette special if you book before March 2012. 🙂 Fiji is about a two hour flight north of New Zealand… the scene with C leaving early (with packed bags at night) was staged, unless they sent him away on an overnight ferry, There are no lights at the airports on that island, so no night flights.
    And Erin, they do wear black at funerals, but they are very conservative in the village. A proper marama (Fijian women) would have even her ankles covered. It’s amazing to me that they did the whole episode without even a glimse of a Fijian… they have incredible smiles!

    • yael

      This is some wonderful inside info, Becky from JMU! First of all, what a good point: it is outrageous not one Fijian was featured. Ugh. All the other Asian cities, at least we had a little local color via boxing, lantern making, wedding photograph taking…

      Also, I cannot believe Tony Robbins owns that resort. Why??

      Finally, well done on the Peace Corps assignment! I thought my friend in St. Vincent had the best gig! She reads this too ; )

  3. kate

    wondering if they scored any local “plants” for the closing “eat my toe” scene

    • yael

      Very good question. Whether they did or did not (and probably they did), it is always surprising and refreshing to see people on this show laughing and being goofy. I don’t know why so much of that gets edited out…

  4. Gillian

    ABC was extra tricksy with their editing this time around. It’s starting to really bug.

    I agree that the toe eating thing was kind of darling and made me like those two together more. I actually think she is more into JP and more comfy with Ben. I don’t know. It’s tough. Which one will the tatted bitchy sister not be into? I’m thinking Ben.

    But I gotta say, the whole Ben rubbing her boobs and her sitting on his crotch and him saying thanks for the “hard” work was stressing me out!!

    My husband was uncharacteristically engaged during this epi and made a variety of funny and/or interesting comments including: it sucks that they never get to wear sunglasses…which would totes suck on a sunny yacht; he kept referring to the camera that shoots them snorkeling and/or cavorting in the water from below as “the boner cam”; and something else funny I can’t recall right now.

    I can’t figure out what happened on the Constantine date. I mean it all makes sense in that there never did seem to be much chemistry, but do you think that was his plan all along? Or do you think he kind of freaked when she mentioned that there wasn’t much there so he just started talking and talking and before he knew it he was saying goodbye? Hmm…I love how she was so annoyed that he didn’t stay to do her despite it all.

    Peeps seemed to handle the word “forego” okay, which always stresses me out.
    I’m totes jealous of that peace corps assignment! Not that I’ve ever been assigned anywhere but my buddy got assigned to the Republic of Georgia and it apparently snowed for two years straight.

  5. rebecca

    Okay what toe thing are you people referring to? I must have missed something.

    I liked Constantine this whole season until he used the word “man cave.” Then I didn’t like him anymore. I had to watch the Constantine departure scenario about 4-5 times because silly Obama interrupted it to talk about some debt thingy situation. But also because I could NOT for the life of me figure exactly how things went down and how they got to where they were with all the serious talk. I still don’t know. But my main takeaway from that was really to be very impressed with Constantine. I thought that was a classy move (relatively speaking I guess). Also interesting how Ash didn’t seem that upset he left.

    Agree with everyone on the Ry thing. He came across great and she came across badly.

    Definitely think she is more into JP.

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