This recap begins with the usual caveat that I definitely didn’t pay attention to every detail this episode. I was busy either dealing with a child, or peppering my friends with important questions like “Would you make out with Ben?” (2 of 3 of us said Yes).
But I paid attention enough to know that the top three guys + Ashley are in Fiji this week. I don’t know if I missed the cartoon map and cartoon plane bit, but I feel like I don’t know where Fiji really is. I do know though, thanks to ABC, that it’s kind of REDONK beautiful.
We have to first be subjected, of course, to recaps of all the guys even though we saw everything happen from the recap 5 minutes ago. I have to say though, I GOT butterflies when I saw JP come out of the limo again. What is it with this shaved-head Jew?! Yum.
There is also the token shot of Ashley pensively looking at water with, natch, a loosey goosey off-the-shoulder thingy wrap. I got worried this would be another Asian outpost where it rains nonstop, but the rain only appeared to bookend the episode.
You know what else worried me off the bat? Why Ryan is creeping up on Ashley in Fiji. Can ABC be this asinine to encourage such a foolhardy move? Yes, yes it can.
So I don’t even know how to dissect what Ryan does and then what Ashley does. It basically goes like this:
- Ryan decides to do something big, bold, potentially romantic and insane and flies all the way from Somewhere, USA to Fiji to see if Ashley is willing to give him one more try to see if they have a connection.
- In theory, this is an incredible gesture, and one I sort of understand. Ryan did get the shaft by never getting a 1 on 1 date until after like a million days of taping and therefore, the odds were majorly stacked against him. He gets that, and also feels like there was once a connection with he and Ash, and so wants to make sure he has no regrets and tries one last time.
- In reality, this is a terrible idea. Ashley has never excelled at grace and her initial rejection of Ryan (and non-gracefully so) should have cemented for him that she is not worth his time.
- When Ryan actually surprises her (and no doubt he had rehearsed this moment for days and days and the entire million-hour flight to Fiji), Ashley’s reaction is typical low-energy body language and obvious disinterest. She just squeals things like “Ry! RY!” and turns red and really doesn’t say anything. This is because Ashley is a lot of things, but super classy is not one of them. Even if the idea of making out with Ryan makes her want to vomit in her mouth, it is a bold gesture and she could have rewarded him with a compliment for being so dedicated and romantic and also with, oh I don’t know, A COFFEE.
- Ryan’s rehearsed speech unfortunately includes him summarizing their failed one date (“we went to tai chi and a temple…”).
- Ashley continues her blank stares and lip biting.
- Ryan is classy and tells Ashley to think it over.
- Ashley is not classy so leaves Ryan hanging for at least three days as a tortured soul wandering Fiji and staring up into the sky at helicopter dates, and then after all that time, goes back to his rented villa and informs him as dispassionately as possible the same exact thing she said the first time she rejected him- essentially, “You’re perfect on paper but in flesh and blood you nauseate me so much you make me want to go lesbo.”
- Ryan is classy so wraps up the convo with a little good bye speech about how Ashley is amazing and hopefully finds true love (or something).
- Ashley is not classy so she just saunters away with her little middle school tank top and Old Navy shorts.
- Ryan has some ‘splaining to do at The Men Tell All.
Ben is super tan. On a sailboat and the two lovebirds are both wearing a peachy red hue. I am jealous of this yacht date. Ben refers to them as “giddy little schoolchildren”. They apply sunscreen to each other in some really long, drawn out foreplay session. Then they go snorkeling and Ashley describes for us the color of the fish. She CAN’T BELIEVE the fish come in so many colors.
At night there is a romantically-set dinner table on the beach. Which is weird because we have definitely never seen this date motif before. Ben has a grin on his face. He is SO into Ashley. I am pretty into Ben at this point. He is too nervous to say I Love You to her yet, but basically says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. It’s bold and he seems to 100% mean it.
There is a sexy overnight. Someone says “journey”.
Constantine, the Greek God’s overnight (or not)
The kids take a helicopter ride and Constantine declares that Ashley is “crushing his bucket list”, which I think is a clever and rad thing to say. But his use of “crushing” as a verb with this meaning just affirms for me that he epitomizes a Greek-heritaged Southern surfer dude. Which will just never comport with Ashley’s New England uptight self-consciousness.
More bucket list stuff with a waterfall. Then Ashley very unfortunately says something about taking a leap of faith is a metaphor for a relationship and I am disappointed because (a) someone says this every season before bungee jumping or waterfall jumping, and (b) Ashley and Constantine are jumping from like 4 feet above the water.
It’s dinnertime now and I want to know if my eyes have deceived me, or is Ashley wearing a peach romper with hooker shoes? This starts an episode-long tirade by me of why-in-h-e-double hockey sticks Ashley keeps wearing inappropriate shoes for a beachy island ambiance.
Dinner goes better than I expected. It’s been nagging at me for weeks that Constantine is a super good-natured and amenable guy, but just doesn’t seem specifically into Ashley. Finally a conversation where Constantine says that if Ben and Ashley fall in love, he would be fine with it, leads to an inevitable, but very mature, goodbye between the two of them.
Constantine is honest when asked that he is not sure and doesn’t yet know he wants to propose and is not falling in love. Then, he actually declares himself that it’s the end of the road for him! I like your style, Constantine. Send yourself home. Go make me some chicken parm. Mmmm.
Ashley’s body language and demeanor is so excited. Mine too. JP = yum.
The happy couple sets off on a seaplane for their own private island. Upon lading, we are treated to so many bright aquas and turquoises and palm trees and white sand that I can’t actually believe this is a real place and not a default Microsoft screen saver image.
JP and Ashley are all over each other and snogging the way people do when they want to “do it” really bad, and also get married.
JP says, “I feel pretty good about us… I’m ready for the end.” This guy totes wants to marry her, and is so confident. It’s honestly making for a compelling end of the season since there are two legitimate contenders each in love with boring Ash. Also compelling because I would make out with both of them. Ashley and I agree on something.
What we DO NOT AGREE ON are Ashley’s stiletto heels and garishly huge Diamonique hoop earrings. Her attire is opposite of jungle-appropriate.
Ashley then dramatically tells JP she sent home “two guys”. JP later says, “I want Ashley to be my wife. I know I’m in love with her” Yow. Zas.
Sit-down with Chris Harrison
Chris talks a lot about the weather.
Pointless Rose Ceremony
I mean, we know already. Tatted sister is a bitch. Someone maybe proposes.
More importantly, soon we get to watch Bachelor Pad!