Today is my due date! So it kind of means you have to be nice to me and comment on this week’s show.
In the opening we hear more of Bentley’s name and approximately 400 references to “dot dot dot”. Is this obsession the biggest mystery in mankind’s history? Will scholars be discussing it centuries from now?
Cue to amazing Hong Kong shots and I am way jealous. I have always wanted to go there. Wait- WHAT IS WITH ASHLEY STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTERSECTION WITH STOP MOTION TRAFFIC AROUND HER?! I mean, it’s a cool effect but why is ABC all of a sudden gonna pull out some crazy cinematography 20 seasons into this franchise?
Chris surprises Ash in her hotel room and she’s “scared”. Chris mentions she is dicking the “eight outstanding men” around. I tend to agree. Drumroll… “He’s in this hotel”. Oh you know who the He is.
Ashley, ever poised: “SHUT UP” And she tears up.
Can we all stop and give a: Wow, the lame divorcee absentee father just got a free trip to Hong Kong. And it only requires 2 minutes of screen time.
The action takes place in Room #4315.
Ashley waits a long time to knock, dramatically considering her words and perhaps the unfortunate outfit choice of safari shirt. Upon hearing a knock, Bentley says “who is it?” in a weird voice like that Baby Ruth character in Goonies. Ashley is an idiot. The second she gets her paws on Bentley, she smooches him on the lips and grabs his arms. And then Bentley, no doubt throwing up in his mouth, decides it’s a good time to make small talk, like “so, what’s up? What did I miss?!” It would be great if instead he immediately put her out of her misery but I guess that wouldn’t be good tv. Bentley refers to some “reaffirmation of us being on same page.” Seriously? You’re there to set her straight but you feel the need to lie one more time? I guess that’s how family fun center entrepreneurs rake in the clients.
All I notice is that Ashley purses her lips in and out over and over, is wearing gauche make-up and is wearing that damn safari shirt. Oh and looking self-pitying. Not quite the hot tamale that will pull this dude away from his preferred virginal Utah blondes.
Ashley: “If this is a “period”, be a man and put it there.”
By the way, I will die if anyone says dot, dot, dot ever again as long as I live. So, um, if you want me to stay alive, someone please do something.
Ashley wonders why Bentley is rejecting her in person and not on the phone. Bentley doesn’t know what to say to this ludicrous question because, um, the answer is ABC WANTED HIM THERE IN PERSON FOR TV RATINGS.
Bentley puts a period on things and Ashley nows accepts he is a player. YOU ARE A F**KING GENIUS.
Let’s Find Our Good Fortune on the Streets of Hong Kong date with Lucas
Phew, date card to the rescue from that other crapola. I am not into Lucas’ Southern drawl at this moment. But I am happy Ash is back to her flowy off the shoulder shirts and not her too-prim safari get-up.
Lucas says he is not well-traveled, has never been to New York and likes to go fishing with his buddies. Whatever fishing has to do with not traveling, I have no idea.
Ash: “Look at that street market, people are selling things.” My friend and I decide there are so many good quotes this episode.
The pair go on a sail on a junk. Lucas is growing on me. He then starts talking about his divorce from the love of his life. And then the fact that he knew she wasn’t the one. Again, this is too vague for me. I demand tangible reasons for divorce like adultery or fear of traveling to New York.
Ashley’s pre-rose giving speech made me sleepy. Of course Lucas called her sweetheart. But they had a cute laugh and he’s alright. Is Lucas a dark horse emerging contender?
But Ashley’s overdone fake tan is making me throw-uppy.
Let’s Get Our Hearts Racing group date
Even though Blake and Ryan still don’t get one on one dates… the crew heads to
Dragon boat racing! Yes, Benstantine are a team!! But they can’t find a team to row with them as easily as Happy Hateable Ryan. But then they found a million people once they don red kimonos.
Ames and Mickey win the dragon trophy. Then someone gets engaged on the beach.
The first thing I remember is an elevator ride where Ames attacks Ashley with some major tonsil hockey and – – – she was into it! The weird intro line was that Ames has been to the top of this building before. Not sure why that would get a girl hot. Regardless, the view from the top of the building is great and I am still just impressed Ames went all horndog. I know his forehead and one seamless white-blue tooth is distracting, but he’s a great, cutish guy with a good heart.
Ben is wearing a preppy lemon meringue sweater that I can’t handle. Some weird staccato kissing pecks ensue and then Ashley leans onto his shoulder which makes me think she’s not into him??
Wow, the men hate on Ryan. And what’s annoying is we haven’t seen that terrible side of him. He’s cheesy? Get over it. They’re all discussing how they will jump off a bridge if he gets the rose that night and Ash walks up in her tight, short revealing dress and grabs the rose for him. Tee hee hee.
Let’s Take a Peek Into Our Future date with JP
At least Ashley is super excited for this date. As she should be! JP is the bomb, yo!
JP opens up his heart about falling for her but Ashley never puts her chop sticks down. JP talks about loving someone so much and crying with devastation when it’s over.
Ashley thinks JP is gorgeous, loyal, committed. Ashley therefore knows it’s time to ruin the perfection by bringing up Bentley – more accurately, the “Bentley break-up” (even though they were never together). The lead-up is sort of excruciating. She says she saw Bentley in Hong Kong. She describes it as “really good closure”, which is 100% not what I witnessed, but whatever. JP rules because he didn’t tell her she’s a total idiot. He makes such cute faces. I have a crush. Along with the rest of America. JP FOR NEXT BACHELOR! I feel like JP is too awesome and self-assured for Ashley the Self-Hater.
Ok, please girl! I think Ashley looks H – O – T! Lots of boobage from the girl with “small boobs”. And some fabs Nordstrom earrings.
She immediately then ruins all the mens’ boners by telling them about Bentley and how much she was in love with him. As my friend points out at this point, why this info-sharing? These aren’t her friends, these are potential suitors. Constantine is pissed. Lucas is pissed. Blake is pissed. Ben looks pissed.
Am I the only one concerned that whether in a good or bad context, Ashley loves bringing Bentley’s name up every day, every situation? It’s like the mere mention of his name, no matter why, is comforting to her.
Constantine is surprisingly angry. Lucas’ biggest pet peeve is “people wasting his time.” The two of them are acting like it’s the point of no return. Then Blake calls her out. And then Mickey basically tells Ashley she lied to them, and he wants her to kick him out. Donezo.
The waterworks begin.
Blake has a change of heart and he softens. (Too late.)
One on one time with Chris H to the arrison
Chris tries to explain why the guys reacted unfavorably to Ashley’s obsession with Bentley and her claim that they had a “relationship”.
I don’t understand why the bottom of Ashley’s dress isn’t glittery like the rest.
Which production assistant do you think has to bring the framed photos of the men in a suitcase from LA to HK?
Blake goes buh-bye, obviously for confronting Ashley earlier and questioning her judgment. Blake smirks. What about the potential love affair of two dentists? We’ll never know what could have transpired.
Bentley’s name gets raised again. Drinking game!
Someone comes back from the dead!!! WHO IS IT?
For the first time ever, I want to read spoilers. But I am resisting.
Her engagement gets ruined?? This season could be awesome, or ABC is effing with my mind, soul and body. Is it Bachelor Pad time yet? During this episode I was daydreaming about some major throwdowns between Jake and Vienna.