bachelorette ashley episode 3 recap: women with small boobs should just die (or get implants!)

Pretty much never a good idea.

I kind of feel like now I watch and recap in my sleep. Not in the sense that I am so adept that it’s like autopilot. More that I feel all these people are brain-dead and boring and unbearable, especially the producers at ABC.

We are treated to the boring and brain-dead previews: Masky is weird. Will and Bentley possibly both make Ash cry.

The show then opens with the irrelevant and sometimes boring Chris Harrison in his zip-up hoodless hoodie talking about the three dates and then leaving behind the date card.

Love Strikes in a Flash date with Ben C

Our possibly gay but cute earnest lawyer from New Orleans says the word “journey” in the voiceover and so we know the date is going to be good.

I said it once before but I am reminded again: I like that when Ashley goes in the house to pick her date up she lavishes attention on that person. I actually can’t remember anyone doing that before. Also, I wayyyy like her fuchsia off-the-shoulder shirt. Here is some foreshadowing for you- Off-the-shoulder looks rock on small-chested girls. Cause they don’t need to wear a harness underneath.

Did you know there was an organization called Flash Mob America? You know how sometimes you ask a question but in asking are already s stupefied that you don’t really need a response? Did you know there was an organization called Flash Mob America?

So the crazy kids on their date first learn a dance in a studio and then go sit in a random ersatz park in a shopping center, start to dance, people are snapping photos and then all of a sudden the flash mob joins them in a dance. Like Oprah on Michigan Avenue with the Black Eyed Peas, why is it that the person being surprised with a flash mob never looks very surprised? They never have a big aha freak-out like I would. They just keep dancing and smiling. Um, that’s not believable to me. THERE IS A FLASH MOB.

Oh also, Far East Movement came to perform their song live. Far East Movement hates itself.

Now the kooky kids are at dinner. Ben wants to live in a bubble with the love of his life. He wants their love to blow the roof off. I am thinking he is so cute and sweet and great in what he’s saying. Even if he might be gay. What’s bothering me a little is that Ashley’s body language and kisses make me think she’s just not that into him.

Make Me Laugh group date

Before the men can depart, ABC has to play its requisite creepy organ music while creepy Mask Jeff stands at a balcony staring uncomfortably at something. Jeff tells the universe that wearing the mask has been an “amazing, life-changing” experience for him. Okay. He whisks Ashley away for a moment for a (totally not) dramatic reveal and does this terrible failed reverse psychology thing where he keeps repeating things like “I know you only judge people on the inside” and “you seem like a girl who wants to get to know the real person inside.” Meanwhile Ashley looks terribly bored and is obviously thinking, um don’t tell me my business. I want a hot guy. This isn’t charity, Old Man.

So then Jeff takes off his mask and, as I have been saying all along, looks exactly like the person we already knew he looked like since the mask still showed his:

chin
mouth
eyes
nose
cheeks
forehead

The best part is when he rips it off in what he clearly thinks is a defining moment in their relationship going forward for all space and time, he says “Hi, I’m Jeff.” Because that’s not corny and awful at all.

So now the limo is taking the group date gents to a comedy club and all the men are agreeing that William is the funniest one in the house. Which I will accept is 100% true since these guys don’t generally seem particularly funny and William often does an impression of Ted Kennedy and I mean, when is an impression of Ted Kennedy not side-splittingly hilarious? Besides never.

At The Comedy Store, our host Jeffrey Ross explains that roasting someone comes from a place of love and affection. I will also agree with this statement. Because if there’s no love and affection, then you are just talking shit. Distinction made.

The show is sold-out. Ames is traumatized. William wants to use this night to open the door to his dream of being a famous roaster.  And all I can think about is how much better this episode would be if we could watch Jeffrey Ross do stand up for the next 15 minutes. But alas, the non-funniest cast ever in the Bachelor’s history takes to the podium one by one. It pains me to even recount one thing anyone said but I do it all for love. The love of this blog and the love of this show hatred.

Lucas – just roasted the guys instead
Ryan P – bombed because he didn’t really insult anyone
Ames – wore a mask
Blake – had a clever way of roasting the guys: Without X you would be this guy and without Y he would be that guy etc. (you had to be there)
Jeff – Ashley has small boobs

I need an interlude here. The unmasked man breaks the ice on Ashley’s boob size. And you are welcome for not making a pun like ” he unsnaps the bra on the situation” or something. I am so confounded by this turn of events. Basically we have a hot little dancer body that was good enough to look kind of ridic in a Sports Illustrated shoot last season, with seriously a tight little body most girls would kill for, and all of a sudden it comes to our attention that she is a subpar human because of the small chest. The irony being how good she looks and how well those boobs fit into great clothes. You don’t see runway models with Cs and Ds, SUCKAS. Am I projecting out loud?

Nick – Ashley is smaller chested than me. He hair is also more naturally highlighted.
Someone – she is the 3rd runner-up from last season.
Someone else – Ashley is Brad Womack’s leftovers.
Bentley – 60% of men in America are boob guys.
William – Ashley is used, and trash, I signed up to be with Emily or Chantal. Donate to the Ashley boob fund.

His delivery was too brutal for a roast. His hug after was lame. Ashley goes off to bawl. I would too. Bentley explains to us he doesn’t want to pass up an opportunity to mess with her head and so he goes and finds the small-chested and ugly damsel in distress.

Ashley reveals that her biggest fear the first night was that she’s not Emily. I want to understand this fear but I don’t. If I had to choose between great dancer, great body, ivy league school studying to be a dentist vs. monotonous replaying of ex’s death + flippers + incredibly boring, I would totally choose the former. But whatevsies because Bentley cheers her up. And also manages to mention again she has small boobs. Lots of foreshadowing. Ashley doesn’t feel Bentley has “ulterior agendas”. And then he says 24 out of 25 guys want her. I am surprised ABC didn’t then have him wink at the camera. Just in case all the subtle hint dropping was lost on our low IQs.

After party

The after party is a bit of a shit show. Ashley gets a little desperate and says she hopes they can find a way to like her. This show is sinking downhill because it’s the first time the person in the driver’s seat is begging everyone to like them. I am pretty sure the auditions are supposed to go the other way.

William gets a little 1 on 1 time to plead his case- a little drunk unfortch. Offers to pack his stuff and go. He is doing major mea culpas but he’s being weird. He says Ashley should go talk to another guy to cheer her up. William majorly compounds his transgressions and his drunken depression is made stranger by his midwest accent. I feel disoriented.

Poor Jeff is discussing the 3-legged dog he adopted but Ashley is so distracted. Jeff cannot catch a break.

William dramatically runs on the sidewalk. Then he sits dramatically on the stairs.

Ryan then gets Ashley’s ear and says the perfect thing. “YOU are who I wanted here.” Major make-out session follows. Also, Ryan has 600 employees. Just reminding you from the first episode. He has 600, okay?

Now during some intense time with Bentley, Ashley admits she was contacted by someone (Michelle Money) about his intentions and says she’s telling him because “she respects him so much.” Bentley’s response is weird and the usual monotone. He pegs it is  Michelle Money and says she knows his ex-wife. If Bentley chooses to leave, says Ashley, it would be harder than anything she went through last season. His body language and words couldn’t be more obvious and so of course, Ashley is in love with him and snuggles into him.

But: Ryan gets the rose and hallelujah, he deserves it.

The next morning Ashley has a pensive walk on a stone path and says a bunch of foreshadowing things about how perfect Bentley is and how in love she is with him.

Meanwhile, back at the house Bentley is being an obstinate child and decides to go because I don’t know, maybe the mind games aren’t fun anymore. He is packing his suitcase, sulking that someone tried to rat him out. He reminds us again about his decision to leave: tt’s not because he misses his daughter, it’s because he’s not into Ashley. He tells us he played everyone, something that’s never been done before. Heartbreak is worse than any illness, in Bentley’s opinion. He hopes during his rejection of Ashley, his hair looks okay. And so goes down in history as the most egomaniacal wannabe villain who speaks in a monotone. It’s the monotone that is killing me slowly.

Bentley goes to say goodbye to Ashley at “her house”.  The voiceover tells us Bentley was hoping the bachelorette was going to be Emily and feels like Ashley is an ugly duckling. But then when he sees Ashley, demands a hug. Ashley is scared. But she throws her body all over him. Bentley uses his daughter as an excuse, strokes Ashley’s face and body. Playing with her cute bangs. The audio picks up a heartbeat. Or ABC adds sound effects. The girls I am watching with all agree Bentley is going to hell for using Cozy thr Daughter as a reason for leaving. Ashley is crying. Bentley is psyched later because he managed to generate real tears. And he threw his body on her. He narrates for us, the audience, that essentially he feels his performance is Oscar-worthy. Hugging and tears blah blah kissed her neck blah blah let her straddle him.

I want you all to see my hand gesture right now. I am doing the one where you try to hurry someone along. WE ARE BORED. ABC, WE GET IT. Bentley is not into Ashley, she doesn’t know and loves him. Bentley loves the game. NEXT PLEASE, ABC. There is hopefully more show or is this all you’ve got you mindless, boring, uncreative producers?

Ashley is bawling again. Hysterically. Hyperventilating. Now it’s under the covers which sadly, then seems believable and horrible that she’s in pain. Ugh. ABC blows. For the millionth time in this franchise.

There’s No Place Like Home date with J.P.

Ashley starts out by telling us she is miserable and not ready for a date with JP. He’s being sweet though and understanding and knows she’s had a bad 24 hours but also wants the date to be about them. I like him.

Ashley gets into her PJs with her glasses but still with fake eyelashes. JP loves their PJ date (wow, initials reversaroo!) and he gets a rose. And he wins the kissing contest over Bentley.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley’s sparkly dress and choker look EXACTLY like she is going to work a magic show as the Magician’s Assistant- the girl in the coffin the gets cut in half or the one who stands against a board to throw knives at.

Ashley starts crying about Bentley again to Chris Harrison. Chris the a-hole won’t just tell her the truth so she could have closure and move on to actually be open to the other guys. Ashley has to drop the L-bomb. She loved Bentley.

Ashley makes a speech about her insecurities and reminds the men of all the horrible things that have happened to her in the last 24 hours.

William gets last rose even though he was a double d-head.

Rejects

Chris D is shocked he is getting sent home. Why? Why shocked?

Jeff, who I genuinely feel badly for… He had this whole idea and wanted to make this intense connection. I do feel like Ashley could have kept him one more week. At least over the peroxide hair and sunburn guy who looks like a surfer. Vomit.

Mask goes in fire. Which seems dangerous given it’s made of plastic or rubber.

Previews

Thailand. MAN DRAMA!

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9 Comments

Filed under bachelorette episode recap

9 responses to “bachelorette ashley episode 3 recap: women with small boobs should just die (or get implants!)

  1. I must step in here. I only saw the last 20 minutes but each minute was agony. Who was the man who snuck by in the other room when Bentley was talking to Ashley? Why did they show Bentley picking at his hair while Mask Man was talking a dump? Why didn’t Ashley barf on Bentley’s individually coiffed curls when he said “dot dot dot?”

  2. rebecca

    OMG OMG OMG this episode was crazy! I have been so convinced this whole time that Bentley cannot be for real, it is not possible to be this much of a jerk, he must just be pretending … but now I don’t know. I just wish he were not so dang cute so it would be easier for me to hate him.

    Poor Ashley must feel like the biggest idjit ever watching these episodes. I honestly feel really bad for her. I think it is so interesting how insecure she is in her placement as this Bachelorette. I’m not sure we’ve ever seen this before, and that seems to be the theme of this season. While I can sympathize, I’d like her to hurry up and get over it and I hope she does.

    My favorite thing about the whole stupid Jeff mask thing is THE MASK DIDN’T EVEN COVER HIS FACE. It covered like his nose and that’s it. I too felt bad for him getting sent home right when he revealed his face. Poor guy.

    I think William is secretly actually Josh Lucas.

    I like Ben C and JP.

    • yael

      So I was wondering too if it was horrible for Ashley to watch this episode. But I have to say that in her sanitized People mag blog online she unsurprisingly sort of played off her behavior. Disappointing, but maybe it’s because of the thing she alluded to that Bentley is not done for the season.

      GOOD call on William being Josh Lucas. It was driving me absolutely batty that he looked like someone famous and I couldn’t identify who!

  3. rebecca

    Also, LOVED the dance-off thingy. How fun.

    And, yes, meant to comment on the small boob thing too. I admire how Ashley seems to embrace her body – small boobs and all – and not apologize for the size of her chest – despite all the ridiculousness from the guys. Her body is rocking! And, yes, I (hypothetically) agree that often times clothes look much better in small chested ladies.

  4. Kyle

    OH. MY. GOSH. I am so happy to have found your amazing blog again. I had lost the address and my bachelor/ette watching has not been the same since. Happy times are here again and this season is not disappointing so far. Loved the recap.

    The Bentley thing really does seem outrageous. Even if it was editing, he is now America’s D-bag. Sadly, I do think he is quite hot. He thinks so too. Poor Cozy (can’t help but think of “koozie”s everytime he said her name).

    What I will miss most about Jeff is the awesome PHANTOM/DRACULA music they played whenever he was on camera. It was too good.

    William reminds me of Jake for some reason and it bothers me. I also don’t trust cellular phone salesmen.

    Still trying to get over all of the bad puns Ryan made about rays of light and sunshine from episode one…talk about plugging his business. His move at the comedy club was pretty money though.

    Lawyer Ben needs to chillax a bit and stop talking so much. Otherwise I kinda think he is cute. Loved him singing along to the music. Someone tell me where I can join a flash mom?!

    My most favorite shot of the night was winemaker Ben and Constantine sitting next to eachother both looking like Josh Groban/eachother.

    Finally, JP is my personal crush. I heart him. Dunno why he had pajamas on hand at their date but oh well.

    • yael

      Kyle, so glad you’re back too! I am laughing at your cellular phone salesman comment. Also, why is there such thing? Don’t people just buy them directly from stores nowadays?

      Amazing Josh Groban double-spotting. We might have to make a new game next season to identify which celebrity each person most closely resembles. First practice challenge: Ashley, anyone?

  5. Kyle

    And that should be “flash mob”…flash mom is something entirely different :). This will teach me to not post on my phone.

  6. Andrea

    I haven’t been watching too closely this season (sorry!!), but I have been reading and enjoying this blog. I even shared it with friends and encouraged them to join the conversation 🙂 This week, I really loved the flash mob date! It was so cute, and it definitely makes me want to join what ever group it is that plans these things. I could not believe the roasting date – what a horrible idea! I know that William crossed all sorts of lines with his comments, but I didn’t feel too too bad for Ashley because she agreed to the date (I guess??), knowing that they were going to take some shots at her. I mean, what else do they know about her besides the things they mentioned? How do you roast someone you barely know? Their material was limited because the men don’t know all the little funny things you get to know about friends and significant others after you become close. I’m sorry that Ashley’s feelings got hurt though. Did anyone else notice that when Bentley went to comfort her, it looked like he wanted to reach down and just break her neck while she was resting it on his lap. Scary. I’m glad he’s gone, but it was really sad to watch Ashley’s reaction to his announcement. Hopefully she has moved on to someone better who is there for the “right reasons” and is ready to “go through the process” in order to find true love (??)

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