I kind of feel like now I watch and recap in my sleep. Not in the sense that I am so adept that it’s like autopilot. More that I feel all these people are brain-dead and boring and unbearable, especially the producers at ABC.
We are treated to the boring and brain-dead previews: Masky is weird. Will and Bentley possibly both make Ash cry.
The show then opens with the irrelevant and sometimes boring Chris Harrison in his zip-up hoodless hoodie talking about the three dates and then leaving behind the date card.
Love Strikes in a Flash date with Ben C
Our possibly gay but cute earnest lawyer from New Orleans says the word “journey” in the voiceover and so we know the date is going to be good.
I said it once before but I am reminded again: I like that when Ashley goes in the house to pick her date up she lavishes attention on that person. I actually can’t remember anyone doing that before. Also, I wayyyy like her fuchsia off-the-shoulder shirt. Here is some foreshadowing for you- Off-the-shoulder looks rock on small-chested girls. Cause they don’t need to wear a harness underneath.
Did you know there was an organization called Flash Mob America? You know how sometimes you ask a question but in asking are already s stupefied that you don’t really need a response? Did you know there was an organization called Flash Mob America?
So the crazy kids on their date first learn a dance in a studio and then go sit in a random ersatz park in a shopping center, start to dance, people are snapping photos and then all of a sudden the flash mob joins them in a dance. Like Oprah on Michigan Avenue with the Black Eyed Peas, why is it that the person being surprised with a flash mob never looks very surprised? They never have a big aha freak-out like I would. They just keep dancing and smiling. Um, that’s not believable to me. THERE IS A FLASH MOB.
Oh also, Far East Movement came to perform their song live. Far East Movement hates itself.
Now the kooky kids are at dinner. Ben wants to live in a bubble with the love of his life. He wants their love to blow the roof off. I am thinking he is so cute and sweet and great in what he’s saying. Even if he might be gay. What’s bothering me a little is that Ashley’s body language and kisses make me think she’s just not that into him.
Make Me Laugh group date
Before the men can depart, ABC has to play its requisite creepy organ music while creepy Mask Jeff stands at a balcony staring uncomfortably at something. Jeff tells the universe that wearing the mask has been an “amazing, life-changing” experience for him. Okay. He whisks Ashley away for a moment for a (totally not) dramatic reveal and does this terrible failed reverse psychology thing where he keeps repeating things like “I know you only judge people on the inside” and “you seem like a girl who wants to get to know the real person inside.” Meanwhile Ashley looks terribly bored and is obviously thinking, um don’t tell me my business. I want a hot guy. This isn’t charity, Old Man.
So then Jeff takes off his mask and, as I have been saying all along, looks exactly like the person we already knew he looked like since the mask still showed his:
The best part is when he rips it off in what he clearly thinks is a defining moment in their relationship going forward for all space and time, he says “Hi, I’m Jeff.” Because that’s not corny and awful at all.
So now the limo is taking the group date gents to a comedy club and all the men are agreeing that William is the funniest one in the house. Which I will accept is 100% true since these guys don’t generally seem particularly funny and William often does an impression of Ted Kennedy and I mean, when is an impression of Ted Kennedy not side-splittingly hilarious? Besides never.
At The Comedy Store, our host Jeffrey Ross explains that roasting someone comes from a place of love and affection. I will also agree with this statement. Because if there’s no love and affection, then you are just talking shit. Distinction made.
The show is sold-out. Ames is traumatized. William wants to use this night to open the door to his dream of being a famous roaster. And all I can think about is how much better this episode would be if we could watch Jeffrey Ross do stand up for the next 15 minutes. But alas, the non-funniest cast ever in the Bachelor’s history takes to the podium one by one. It pains me to even recount one thing anyone said but I do it all for love. The love of this blog and the love of this show hatred.
Lucas – just roasted the guys instead
Ryan P – bombed because he didn’t really insult anyone
Ames – wore a mask
Blake – had a clever way of roasting the guys: Without X you would be this guy and without Y he would be that guy etc. (you had to be there)
Jeff – Ashley has small boobs
I need an interlude here. The unmasked man breaks the ice on Ashley’s boob size. And you are welcome for not making a pun like ” he unsnaps the bra on the situation” or something. I am so confounded by this turn of events. Basically we have a hot little dancer body that was good enough to look kind of ridic in a Sports Illustrated shoot last season, with seriously a tight little body most girls would kill for, and all of a sudden it comes to our attention that she is a subpar human because of the small chest. The irony being how good she looks and how well those boobs fit into great clothes. You don’t see runway models with Cs and Ds, SUCKAS. Am I projecting out loud?
Nick – Ashley is smaller chested than me. He hair is also more naturally highlighted.
Someone – she is the 3rd runner-up from last season.
Someone else – Ashley is Brad Womack’s leftovers.
Bentley – 60% of men in America are boob guys.
William – Ashley is used, and trash, I signed up to be with Emily or Chantal. Donate to the Ashley boob fund.
His delivery was too brutal for a roast. His hug after was lame. Ashley goes off to bawl. I would too. Bentley explains to us he doesn’t want to pass up an opportunity to mess with her head and so he goes and finds the small-chested and ugly damsel in distress.
Ashley reveals that her biggest fear the first night was that she’s not Emily. I want to understand this fear but I don’t. If I had to choose between great dancer, great body, ivy league school studying to be a dentist vs. monotonous replaying of ex’s death + flippers + incredibly boring, I would totally choose the former. But whatevsies because Bentley cheers her up. And also manages to mention again she has small boobs. Lots of foreshadowing. Ashley doesn’t feel Bentley has “ulterior agendas”. And then he says 24 out of 25 guys want her. I am surprised ABC didn’t then have him wink at the camera. Just in case all the subtle hint dropping was lost on our low IQs.
The after party is a bit of a shit show. Ashley gets a little desperate and says she hopes they can find a way to like her. This show is sinking downhill because it’s the first time the person in the driver’s seat is begging everyone to like them. I am pretty sure the auditions are supposed to go the other way.
William gets a little 1 on 1 time to plead his case- a little drunk unfortch. Offers to pack his stuff and go. He is doing major mea culpas but he’s being weird. He says Ashley should go talk to another guy to cheer her up. William majorly compounds his transgressions and his drunken depression is made stranger by his midwest accent. I feel disoriented.
Poor Jeff is discussing the 3-legged dog he adopted but Ashley is so distracted. Jeff cannot catch a break.
William dramatically runs on the sidewalk. Then he sits dramatically on the stairs.
Ryan then gets Ashley’s ear and says the perfect thing. “YOU are who I wanted here.” Major make-out session follows. Also, Ryan has 600 employees. Just reminding you from the first episode. He has 600, okay?
Now during some intense time with Bentley, Ashley admits she was contacted by someone (Michelle Money) about his intentions and says she’s telling him because “she respects him so much.” Bentley’s response is weird and the usual monotone. He pegs it is Michelle Money and says she knows his ex-wife. If Bentley chooses to leave, says Ashley, it would be harder than anything she went through last season. His body language and words couldn’t be more obvious and so of course, Ashley is in love with him and snuggles into him.
But: Ryan gets the rose and hallelujah, he deserves it.
The next morning Ashley has a pensive walk on a stone path and says a bunch of foreshadowing things about how perfect Bentley is and how in love she is with him.
Meanwhile, back at the house Bentley is being an obstinate child and decides to go because I don’t know, maybe the mind games aren’t fun anymore. He is packing his suitcase, sulking that someone tried to rat him out. He reminds us again about his decision to leave: tt’s not because he misses his daughter, it’s because he’s not into Ashley. He tells us he played everyone, something that’s never been done before. Heartbreak is worse than any illness, in Bentley’s opinion. He hopes during his rejection of Ashley, his hair looks okay. And so goes down in history as the most egomaniacal wannabe villain who speaks in a monotone. It’s the monotone that is killing me slowly.
Bentley goes to say goodbye to Ashley at “her house”. The voiceover tells us Bentley was hoping the bachelorette was going to be Emily and feels like Ashley is an ugly duckling. But then when he sees Ashley, demands a hug. Ashley is scared. But she throws her body all over him. Bentley uses his daughter as an excuse, strokes Ashley’s face and body. Playing with her cute bangs. The audio picks up a heartbeat. Or ABC adds sound effects. The girls I am watching with all agree Bentley is going to hell for using Cozy thr Daughter as a reason for leaving. Ashley is crying. Bentley is psyched later because he managed to generate real tears. And he threw his body on her. He narrates for us, the audience, that essentially he feels his performance is Oscar-worthy. Hugging and tears blah blah kissed her neck blah blah let her straddle him.
I want you all to see my hand gesture right now. I am doing the one where you try to hurry someone along. WE ARE BORED. ABC, WE GET IT. Bentley is not into Ashley, she doesn’t know and loves him. Bentley loves the game. NEXT PLEASE, ABC. There is hopefully more show or is this all you’ve got you mindless, boring, uncreative producers?
Ashley is bawling again. Hysterically. Hyperventilating. Now it’s under the covers which sadly, then seems believable and horrible that she’s in pain. Ugh. ABC blows. For the millionth time in this franchise.
There’s No Place Like Home date with J.P.
Ashley starts out by telling us she is miserable and not ready for a date with JP. He’s being sweet though and understanding and knows she’s had a bad 24 hours but also wants the date to be about them. I like him.
Ashley gets into her PJs with her glasses but still with fake eyelashes. JP loves their PJ date (wow, initials reversaroo!) and he gets a rose. And he wins the kissing contest over Bentley.
Ashley’s sparkly dress and choker look EXACTLY like she is going to work a magic show as the Magician’s Assistant- the girl in the coffin the gets cut in half or the one who stands against a board to throw knives at.
Ashley starts crying about Bentley again to Chris Harrison. Chris the a-hole won’t just tell her the truth so she could have closure and move on to actually be open to the other guys. Ashley has to drop the L-bomb. She loved Bentley.
Ashley makes a speech about her insecurities and reminds the men of all the horrible things that have happened to her in the last 24 hours.
William gets last rose even though he was a double d-head.
Chris D is shocked he is getting sent home. Why? Why shocked?
Jeff, who I genuinely feel badly for… He had this whole idea and wanted to make this intense connection. I do feel like Ashley could have kept him one more week. At least over the peroxide hair and sunburn guy who looks like a surfer. Vomit.
Mask goes in fire. Which seems dangerous given it’s made of plastic or rubber.
Thailand. MAN DRAMA!