We know right from the opening preview montage that this week’s dates will take place in Vegas. Which bores me already. Been there, done that a million times on this show. Can’t the people go on a date somewhere cool and different like, I don’t know, Yellowstone? Or at ‘South of the Border’, the inexplicably still-open-for-business roadside attraction on I-95?
We also know before the episode starts that Bentley will say some jerk things during his camera confessionals and will comment on Ashley’s butt. Only two weeks in, and we’re following a script and I am bored. Villain, masked guy, belly shots of Ash the Dancer. I just don’t feel the oomph this time. I don’t feel like I care about the ending. I still miss emo Frank from 217 seasons ago and also that crazy Vienna.
We open with Chris Harrison rallying the troops and explaining the mechanics of the “game”. He seems to be doing it fast because he knows how ridiculous it is. It’s like explaining how Jeopardy works.
The first date card goes to dimpled William! Which was almost ruined for me by panned shots to Jeff’s scary mask. Why does it have to be embellished?
I am agreeing now that Ash’s voice is a little annoying, but mostly at the top of every sentence. She comes in to the house in a convertible and immediately rushes to William and hugs him which I think is cute.
Some corny titled date with William
There is a private plane. And bless William he says, “I thought we were going to drive all the way to Vegas.” Mmm hmm, and what, stop at Sheetz for gas and jumbo hot dogs?
Once the crazy kids gets to Las Vegas, it is actually refreshing that they for once show all the Bachelorette fans that want their pictures taken with the “star”. This is actually what happens behind the scenes, after all. Then the happy couple heads to a wedding cake shop and William starts “getting a little nervous.” I have no idea why! Then ring shopping where his humor shines through but he does seem to need to keep reassuring himself it’s all a joke. Now there is a minister and William might really lose it.
Then Ashley “walks down the aisle.” And bad sign: she balks at the vows. I am calling it now, she doesn’t want to get married at the end of this. She can’t even play along with the joke. “Maybe we will eventually do this…” And then she lies and says “it’s my best first date” – WHAT ABOUT THE CARNIVAL WITH BRAD?? Then she and William kiss which is kind of crazy. And also crazy that I just called kissing on this show ‘crazy’.
Points though for Ash’s off-the-shoulder short green dress. Except sometimes it looks like a bathrobe. Minus for her saying the date is already “amazing, amazing”.
The couples head to dinner in the middle of the fake Bellagio lake by rowboat. Girls are calling out their fandom to Ash. Ashley wants to get to know the real William. Uh oh. William reveals he didn’t go to college. He is not a lawyer or doctor, doesn’t save lives, he “brings communications to people.” COME ON. Also, he wants to be a stand-up comic. Add him to the list of people using this show for exposure. William shares that he lost his dad to alcohol. He is breaking out his emotional side. And he tells the stopped-watch story of the say his dad died. There is something about the repetition of this story that is not selling me, but Ashley seems genuinely moved. This story makes Ashley feel closer to William and their “shared childhood.” Wait, what?
Ashley gives William the rose. It doesn’t hurt he has good teeth. Bellagio fountains go off. Which is pretty cool. Except William thinks “this is for us.” Eh, not really.
In Sin City, Boys will be Boys group date
Constantine with great bone structure
Ryan M in construction
Ben F who maybe looks like Apollo Ohno?
Bentley the charlatan
West the cleared murderer
Stephen hair guy
Blake the dentist who is “not a dancer”
Matt the office supply salesman
The men arrive by private plane and then we get a shot of Ashley in her Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island get-up. Although I do like me some pink gingham. And it’s a bonus Ashley belly shot… DRINK!
The group heads to a theatre to see dance troupe JabbaWockeeZ (America’s Best Dance Crew winners, apparently) and there is Ashley in a sports bra! And now a competition for two teams of the men focusing on “style, synchronicity and showmanship”. And one team will get sent home. I hate when they do this. This is not Survivor. Isn’t the point for Ashley to get to know people? What a horrible way to go to Vegas- to practice dancing on a stage and get flown back.
But… I love all the plaid shirts! This show is a beautiful time capsule to fashion.
Was one of the guys licking his lips when Ashley was dancing?
Team A No Rhythm Nation wins the night with their superior dance skills and use of Ashley in the whole routine. Team B The Best Men had a cute gimmick but get the boot and go back to LA on a plane. The carbon footprint of this show is phenomenal.
Now 3 hours of practice ensues and then showtime. This is the coolest thing that monotone Bentley has ever done, according to He. Besides having his daughter of course.
Ashley makes it clear she wants a night of one-on-ones. Interview time! And Blake the dentist is first. She worries their personalities are too similar. I am worried Blake has a gross big white smile.
West wants to chat about his marriage and dead ex. But first, he wants her to know he is 100% there for her. His past makes him reserved. He is cute. I need to shake the gruesome gossip. Only married 9 months?! I guess this story is a little buzz kill for a date. “Cherish every moment because you never know when your loved ones will be taken from you” is our takeaway. Ash is seeming a little insincere to me. Btw, does Ashley have Google search opportunities during this process?
Bentley’s turn now. I actually had to rewind to make sure I got his sentiments down verbatim.
“She’s obviously a beautiful girl. She has a great body. Amazing butt. And rockin’ legs. And having her tickle my [BLEEP].”
What the eff did this person just say? What??!! The “composition of her” is what makes the competition exciting. Otherwise, she is not his type. Whatever you say, dude. But Bentley is cute. Ugh. He says “like” a lot though. And won’t take his coat off during this one-on-one indoors. What would a body language expert say? I wonder if Bentley will ever feel guilty that he manipulated someone on national tv and created a record of it for his daughter to see. Then during a windy rose-giving moment, Ashley stupidly gives him the rose. When Bentley accepts it, the Shakespeare in him says “fer sure, fer sure.” Oy vey iz mir!
Love is a Gamble date
Mickey and JP have to gamble for a date in Vegas and there is a coin flip with their faces instead of dead presidents. Mickey gets it. Meanwhile, Masky seems legitimately perplexed that he didn’t get awarded a date this week.
Another plane to Vegas now. Mickey has a weird gait coming off the escalator at the airport, but no matter because Ashley thinks he is “gorgeous”. They flip a coin and it means white wine over red. And then it means Ashley rides a swing to get wine (??). And then it means they go to an aquarium and it’s “amazing”. And then is means Ashley has to talk about when she last cried (which, incidentally, was while watching the Brad season and reading that people were critical of what she said and wore. Ruh roh. I hope she is not reading this blog. She might be. Millions, or at least ten people, do.)
Mickey waits for Ash at the bottom of the stairs and she shows up wearing a blazer. Blah. Private suite now. I don’t know… can’t they actually enjoy Vegas instead of staying in a hotel room? Ash wants to know everything there is to know about Mickey. Um, how much time do we have? Only child, mama’s boy. Mom died. Had positive effect on him. Now has step-siblings.
Wait, stop. When Ashley was telling Mickey that they should flip a coin to see if he would get the rose during the date, I sensed Mickey’s true colors shining through- a little flash back to the classic menacing New Yorker type, if you will. While she was talking his eyes were boring through her skull and he was making some scary facial motions as though he was still chewing his food. I can’t explain it, you have to watch it again. It was a little too much ‘You talkin’ to me??’ for me.
Look, Mandalay Bay in Vegas has a fake beach! And then Colbie Caillat (WHO?) performs for them privately. And these kisses are better than the one out of the limo, says Ash. But I thought Mickey missed that time?
No sooner than cheers is over, and JP snags Ashley. And then uses a coin toss gimmick to get a kiss. Ashley then encourages and reassures him but I am pretty sure he is supposed to use the time to sell himself.
William does a lame impression. And seems a little cocky tonight. His status as my favorite has waned. But he looks like Seth Myers, who I like a lot. So my feelings are mixed.
Nick the personal trainer does a little dance with Ashley. She exclaims how great it is even though she is basically a professional dancer.
William has a weird passion-less kiss with Ashley while creepy Jeff looms above- or at least so the editing has us believe. And then the men trash Jeff. But then he gets some one on one time with Ashley. At 21 years old he had a brain hemorrhage and a seizure. Got a divorce later. Found out about some untruthfulness. Jeff is now ready to take mask off. OH MY GOSH, THE DRAMATIC MOMENT JEFF HAS BEEN DYING FOR. And then Matt interrupts!! Hilar. ABC had to stage this.
Ben is ready to talk to Ashley and be assertive. He is actually funny and sweet. Yay!
William, meanwhile, feels the need to describe the Bellagio fountains date in detail for some of the guys. It turns out Bentley would rather “swim in pee” then plan a fake wedding with Ashley during a date. She’s not his type. Besides the detailed endorsement of every single one of her body parts. Then he carries her to the fireplace for some heavy petting. Bentley feels the kiss is boring, and sucked at the end. Ashley is trusting her radar for sincerity and therefore ignoring text messages from a trustworthy source that says he is not there for the right reasons. And some girl who was trying to be a good friend to Ashley is now feeling like an egit.
Chris Harrison give a little speech and I use the opportunity to go get a drink from the fridge.
Ashley feels her husband is standing in this room, and so indicates that it is one of:
(William, Bentley and Mickey)
Ames (I’m liking just the vest look)
Blake the dentist
I’ve never heard some of these guys speak.
Matt who is CUTE! Calls his mom again, now at 4am. Wants french toast.
Stephen and his flat-ironed hair – also cute and refers to his mom and dad
Ryan M – life is not fair
Flash mob dance
some comedy show
Bentley is going to make Ashley cry and hopes his hair looks okay
Her heart is broken and she cries