Wow, another season. Seems like only yesterday Robot Brad was not actually finding a wife. I have to hand it to ABC: they turned the seasons around pretty quickly. Me likey.
Now let’s (re)meet our Bachelorette: Ashley Hay-bear. So far, I am a cautious fan. Let’s discuss all the things she did right. Bangs. Yes. Hair color. Yes. White teeth that are not too white they are blue. Yes. Weird dancing montage where she only wears cropped belly shirts. Okay, why not.
Then the uh ohs: The foreshadowing where her biggest fear is not getting her love reciprocated and getting conned.
Chris Harrison then tries to enjoy his biggest speaking role all season and gets Ash to open up about her regrets with Brad. But of course no one is buying it. Can you have regrets when you’re about to meet 25 (mostly) hot guys?
Now I know there is constant discussion on the internets about how the production crew hoses down the driveway and walkway before the limo ceremonies so that it is glistening wet. This time around it was a FAIL. Did you see Ashley’s dress (a total winner btw) by the end with about a foot of water creeping up the bottom hemline? Lame-o.
Ryan P: wants better for the world so started solar panel company. It’s definitely because he’s a humanitarian and not because there is money to be made in solar energy installation. His company has 600 EMPLOYEES which we were reminded of several times. Also, “the only thing stronger than the sun is love.” Later on he seems sweet to me so I will bite my tongue.
JP: I am already skeptical of a New Yorker looking for love this way. New Yorkers don’t get married until they’re 50. He’s in some kind of construction management or something. And admittedly, a very cute smile and sweetness. Okay, my jury will hold off judgment on him too.
Ames: whoaaaaa, where do we start with Ames? He is not a real person but a caricature. In Finance. Wearing khaki trousers and a navy blazer. Cause, you know, he went to THREE IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS and that’s how alumni can pick one another out of a line-up: the uniform. He went to Yale, “which is in Connecticut”, Harvard and Columbia. Has been to 7o countries, run 30 marathons, run several ultramarathons, has two dimples, one butt chin and one flipper in his mouth instead of real teeth. Also, gives Ashley ballet tickets. Which is such a blue bloody thing to do. Surprisingly I don’t think he is terrible.
Ben C: lawyer from New Orleans who plays the piano and REALLY WANTS YOU TO KNOW HE SPEAKS FRENCH. Which is a coinkydink because girls that grow up on the Maine border with Canada also speak French. I did think it was cute later when he had cue card signs a la Love Actually. But, um, the guy in that movie was smokin’. This Fronchie, not so much.
Ben F: either a Sonoma winemaker or an internet businessman – who can keep track. Seems nice and genuine. His parents had a beautiful love story until the father died. He brought Ashley some white wine and the first thing he said was “new hairdo!” which I thought was cute. Also, he’s a total brunette guy. Okay!
Bentley: already horrendously boring that he is the villain of the season, the Wes 3.0, the one that is using the show for fame and riches but not because he actually likes the Bachelorette. Why would ABC give the whole hand away now? Is nothing sacred? Does nobody like surprises anymore? Frankly, even without his nefarious intentions, I was not impressed. Speaks in a boring, bored, frowny manner and lives in a McMansion and started a Family Fun Center which just sounds ominously like a colorful Branch Davidian compound and agreed that his daughter could be named Cozy. Also, not that cute. So many strikes. Salt Lake City being among them. For his single parenting, SLC locale and using of the show for self-promotion, I think he should have just hooked up with Michelle Money (who is now an “actress” btw).
Anthony: probably he was dead in the water when he got out of the limo and kept his back to Ashley for a few seconds too long. But honestly, she was never going to end up with a butcher from New Jersey who is a living embodiment of the tri-state area Italian-American stereotype.
West: I want to hate him because his montage starts with yet another shirt-less ab-tastic running scene. I am so not into that shite. But then we see the gorgeous photos of Sarah, the love of his life, who he had to find face-down dead in their bath tub one day from a seizure. That is truly one of the saddest stories to come out of this franchise. And I will bet, because he seems like a classy and good-intentioned guy, that he doesn’t tell he story 600 times a la Emily, she of Nascar. Also, West gave Ashley a broken compass. Oh wait, this just in… nothing is ever that simple in Bachelor(ette)-land.
William: let’s all immediately agree he is a favorite and a front-runner, shall we? The show uses some staged broken-umbrella-in-the-rain-scene and declaration that every girl breaks up with him and then marries her next boyfriend as some kind of cover for the fact that, actually, this “cellular” phone salesman is adorable and funny. He, like a surprising number of the other guys, has dimples (swoon) and seems to be telling the truth when he says he is excited Ashley is The Bachelorette. And those impressions!
Jon: involved in e-commerce(?) and his big pick-up line was “Can we go straight to the honeymoon?”
Lucas: does something in oil and says to A, “Good god, you’re gorgeous.”
Mickey: Besides Bentley, my least favorite because he tried to kiss Ashley in a weird and awkward way and even though he came nowhere close to being successful, immediately proceeded to walk inside the house and tell all the guys he kissed her. I don’t even understand the purpose of that lie.
Tim: the liquor distributor from Long Beach, NY is immediately weird, awkward and freezes up. His accent is like nails on a chalkboard. He gets so wasted he has the hiccups and then passes out snoring. And did I mention he’s a liquor distributor? Is it believable he would have such a shit tolerance? He served one fabulous purpose though and that is needling Graybeard Jeff the Masked Zorro. The whole episode was worth it when he said in his thick NY accent: “I don’t want to be around the kid with the mask. I don’t want to be nowheres near him.” “On my mother’s life I wouldn’t wear a mask.” God bless.
(Also, it was awesome when Ashley was feeling bad for Tim and said “I can identify with wasted opportunities.” Best unintentional pun ever.)
Stephen: what is with this creature? He is a hairdresser, natch, which I would have known without subtitles by his flat-ironed hair and immediate comment about Ashley’s color. He mumbles and seems to be a horrible conversationalist but does have dimples. This season is Dimple City.
Chris D: in sports marketing and recites a horrible poem. There’s one in every group.
Rob: a technology exec with dimples who differentiates himself from Brad by pointing out… wait for it… no, not that he is not a Robot… HE HAS NO CROWNS! Next.
Matt: an office supply salesman who does a stupid handshake that does not seem special at all. In fact, I think it’s the beginning of that McDonald’s one that every kid learns. Then at the cocktail party he calles his mom and the convo seems way staged. And it’s not that funny his mom was talking about wearing ‘protection’. What about the abstinence message Bristol Palin is trying so hard to push between her busy schedule single parenting and getting plastic surgery?
Jeff: wants to “leave his face out of the game” by wearing a hella creepy mask which actually shows the entirety of his face except half his nose. By now actually seeing his face we know he has a gray beard at the age of 35, ears that stick out and constantly frowns. So the mask is not doing him any favors. ABC is awesome because it plays Phantom music whenever he is in a screen shot. Every time he walks into a room, he is wearing a mask and frowning in a creepy manner. He either lurks or pops up in groups unexpectedly. He is immediately the house douche and I 100% agree with the designation.
Frank: a college admissions director who winks at Ashley, kisses her hand and then dramatically waltzes her around. It’s the wink that did me in. Not a fan. Winking is not cool. Also not cool is later on when he says “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the oven.”
Mike: the technology salesman says something corny about actually being excited to see a dentist for once. Now, I don’t want to rain on anyone’s cliche-parade, but technically Ashley is a dental student. At UPenn. When she’s not wearing crop tops and teaching dance.
Chris M: I am immediately turned off by his crazy Canadian accent and very prominent eye teeth. I know that’s mean. But if it’s clear that you needed braces once upon a time and never got them, probably a dentist is not going to go for you.
Ryan M: is in construction and brought a digital camera and kind of ruins the fun of the moment by being all, “I also want a picture with Chris Harrison, okay? Ashley, please tell me you will take a picture of me and Chris. I WANT TO POSE WITH CHRIS.” That was weird.
Nick: personal trainer but looks like a surfer. Terrible poem with the word Journey. I want to gong him.
Blake: a dentist
Constantine: is very cute that he ties a pink floss bow around Ashley’s finger. The gesture did not make me throw up!
Tim snoring. Some guys help take him out front. No rejection limo for Tim. Just a mini-van.
Masky Jeff doesn’t want to blend in and wants to take his face out of the equation. Unfortunately his personality sucks. So he’s 0 for 2.
JP is here because “the dating scene in NY has gotten stale”. Hasn’t had a cavity since Jr High and flosses every day. His nickname at work is “cupcake”, ASHLEY WANTS TO BE CALLED CUPCAKE- they are soul mates!
Bently does that one-arm hug which is LAME. Ashley was warned about him. But omg, he seems genuine to her. In fact, shocker, now he is everything Ash is looking for.
FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE
Ryan P = According to our Ash, Ryan is ambitious, positive energy and a nice guy. According to me, his laugh lines are Sex-ay.
(why no Chris debrief?)
Graybeard Zorro Mask Jeff gets the first rose, which I don’t get
Ben C WHO SPEAKS FRENCH
Anthony – “has been single for 7 years”
Rob – “crushed, lost and defeated”
Jon – “family loved Ashley and he had watched her entire season”. Gets teary-eyed. Now seriously, who are all these straight, single guys watching the Bachelor seasons? That is suspect.
Highlights from upcoming season
I am excited it’s in Asia.
Jeff never takes off his mask.
Fiji at the end
Humongous Bentley spoiler.