bachelor brad episode 8 recap: embalming fluid is thicker than water

Where is my therapist right now?

I viewed this week’s episode with my mother-in-law. And thank goodness someone else was here to marvel in the tragic face lift that is Chantal’s mom. I will have less chance of nightmares now.

But first we are treated to a video montage recap of the four remaining ladies. It seems like only yesterday Chantal and her “emotional roller coaster” slapped Brad and Ashley caused some “speed bumps” and Shawntel was adorable and relaxed on their Anguilla date and Emily and Brad shared a passionate kiss on a penis-shaped island.

Chantal in Seattle

After a staged reunion shot in front of the Seattle skyline, which the couple are forced to turn their backs to for a good camera shot, we are treated to the very nice house of this “Executive Assistant”. I am assuming it pays to work for Daddy or to have a rich ex. Chantal definitely has a rich girl’s dog to match her rich girl life. In this case, the yappy shit dog is “Boca”. And he/she is part of a “two cats and a dog” family. Chantal and the pets are the package deal, it turns out. Hopefully also part of the package deal are Chantal’s cute dimples and not terrible taste in art. Because I am connoisseur. Obvs.

On the way to the parents’ house, Brad says “Meeting someone’s father is HUGE to me.” So I scream out at the tv, YOU DOUCHE. Why is it not huge to meet someone’s mother? Brad hates his own father forchrissakes.

The couple enters the huge McMansion flanking a beautiful Seattle water vista (maybe Jason & Molly are nearby on a houseboat?) and the ceilings are so high that I am actually annoyed. Is that necessary?

At this point, my mother-in-law points out before I even notice that Chantal’s mom has “had work done”. I love that euphemism, don’t you? And holy shit, did she have some crappy work done. And this throws me. These people are in Seattle. I seriously did not know people in Seattle had face lifts. I don’t know what is jarring me more: the way Chantal’s mom’s face looks like it might tear a little bit when she tries to smile/laugh/express joy, OR her very veneery veneers. When she announces she will be serving a “home cooked meal”, I almost spit out my gulp of whole milk (I stole from my toddler). I am assuming the mom means some El Salvadoran hiding in the closet has prepared a home-cooked meal.

Before we even get to see what food Frankenmom was referring to, the staged pull-asides begin. 15 seasons in and these torture me.Why can’t they ever play ping-pong or grill a burger together? Why does it just have to be awkward convos in facing chairs in some weird unused den or bedroom of the family’s home?

Dad, who a friend aptly pointed out looks a little bit like Donny Osmond, but who to me at least looks like he has been spared the knife, seems skeptical at first. But not for long! He and Brad realize they are both self-made men and have bricklaying masons in their family lineages. Brad asks for Dad’s blessing on proposing. I would too after that house on the water.

Ashley in Madawaska, Maine

Confession: this hometown date gets me. I practically wanted to date Ashley. Hello, she is from gorgeous-scened country on the border of Canada where all the cute Maine French Acadians speak French and where cross-border trade is the population’s livelihood. The local dish is fries with cheese and gravy (yes, please) and Ash’s family could not be more crazy adorable (yes, yes, please). They kept piling on to one couch and having laugh attacks. Somehow even the tatted-out sister was adorable. My husband’s only comment the entire episode was that tat girl was prettier than the one trying to win Brad’s heart. Will she be the Kat Von D in my relationship? Shudder.

There is a truly adorable montage I almost skipped involving Brad saying “si” to a waitress, the dental student noticing his crown, lobstas, an honor system for road-side produce, and a fleet of flannel shirts and beards when the door to Ashley’s family’s house was opened.

Brad’s body language is super into it. And Ashley has done Madawaska proud. She is now listed as a “notable person” on the town’s Wikipedia entry.

Shawntel in Chico

Shawntel is the sacrificial hometown date of the episode. ABC has to select one every time. If it’s not a burial service for a dead bird in one season, it’s a basement taxidermy hobby in another. The theme is: death. And the game is: ABC gets to edit people to look insane. Boo.

I like Shawntel, I always have. She seems the most natural, a teeny bit quirky, genuinely happy, has no divorce or child baggage and is proud of her profession and family, everyone else be damned. But ABC can’t leave well enough alone. The date opens with Shawntel and her family starring in a commercial for their Newton-Bracewell Funeral Home, creepy funeral parlor music and a forced tour of the mausoleum and funeral home for Brad. Oh and he has to act out an embalming. It’s criminal, really. Very few even normal people would get some heat of this date, and with Roboto Brad, the ship is sinking fast.

It annoyed me that mom gave Brad a handshake but was very pleasantly surprised that two cutie blonde sisters seemed so normal. You were expecting Pugsley and Wednesday Addams too, weren’t you? But this family is nice, and loving, and they lighten up during the meal and people profess love declarations and drink wine and things seems to be going decently well until BOOM Dad starts talking to Shawntel about their

succession plan.

WHAT? Isn’t that a phrase used for dictatorial heads of state? Monarchies? Polygamist clan elders? And why does he have to repeat it so many times? And what’s with making Shawntel feel guilty that she had the nerve to miss “when her high school teacher’s son was tragically killed” while she was out whoring it out on reality tv? Why can’t one of the look-alike cute blonde sisters be part of the

succession plan?

All that really matters is that Brad’s body language is so repellent of Shawntel at the end of the date (kisses her hand and quick jerky hug), that I knew then to feel sorry for her. Wil she regret dropping the L word so many times?

Emily and Ricki in Charlotte

There is a lot of mystery and intrigue being built up on this date. Will little Ricky take to Roboto? Will his monotone and lifeless questions drive her behind her mom’s back forever? Is it creepy Brad or the humongous camera crew causing the 5-year old to revert to thumb-sucking? We may never know. Because the butterfly kite makes it all okay.

We then go to Emily’s house, which is big and beautiful. I am a cynical beotch because I am thinking a Children’s Hospital Event Planner doesn’t make enough money for that house.

The house has huge rooms and make-up tables for children and a bathroom with such exquisite lighting, I can finally see that maybe little miss Ricki has highlights in her hair. It’s the lowlights that gave it away.

Emily wants to be kissed.

Brad won’t kiss Emily.

There is a child asleep upstairs. And he has standards. It’s okay if Michelle Money’s child watches him dry sand humping her mom on tv, but Emily’s daughter deserves better.

But Emily is horny and she’ll be goshdamned if Brad doesn’t kiss her.

They do finally and I have to admit it’s sweet. He loves her. It was always going to play out like this.

Rose Ceremony in NYC

I forget why the rose ceremony is in NYC, can someone remind me?

I like Emily’s blue dress with the one asymmetrical flowery strap. Chantal’s tight red satin number and updo had Homecoming Dance written all over it.

Before we announce the inevitable, can we all just give a what what and a holla back to the fact that the two Chantal/Shawntels made it so far? None of us expected that, we were so offended by their names from the get go.

The boot

Shawntel gets kicked to the curb, but not first before being ushered on to the rejection couch on the balcony of the Gansevoort Hotel to be told she is not the one and she should go make out with a dead person if she loves them so much. Also, Brad caresses her exposed, perfectly tanned and slender knee. I love how the guys always do that- cop a little feel after dumping the girl.

Shawntel, who I think can do so much better than The Robot, keeps saying how perfect he is. Ugh. Men of Chico, do not let this one get away!!

Previews

South Africa. Okay now I am jealous. Also, there is Lion King Music.

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9 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

9 responses to “bachelor brad episode 8 recap: embalming fluid is thicker than water

  1. So I waited until last night to watch The Bachelor, because I thought that having only four women left would be tidier than big clumps of people all going on group dates and yelling names I wouldn’t remember. And what happened? Two of the four women have the exact same name except for a few letters which don’t count. So I turned the show off. Now that one of them got the boot, maybe I can watch.

  2. kate

    Wow! What does Chantal’s dad do?
    So, as I was laying in bed last night post Bachelor, I was taking a little memory walk down bachelor lane, fondly remembering all the past bachelor/ettes. Who is your favorite bachelor/bachelorette from the past? I loved Reid (a contestant on Gillian’s show) and I think I liked Meredith (from forever ago) as a bachelorette.

    • rebecca

      This is a fun game Kate! Man, so hard, and totally depends on what we mean by favorite. Favorite as in most entertaining v there for the right reasons (ha) etc. etc. I think Ali’s season was one of my favorites and I didn’t mine her as the bachelorette, but I’m also blanking on other options right now.

    • yael

      Yes, great question Kate! I can’t even remember all of them but I think I know my answer… there have been a definite handful I have liked and seemed genuine but I think I am in the minority when I say I really liked the Charlie O’Connell season (bro of Jerry O’Connell). He was absolutely determined to be himself and eschew the show’s stuffiness and cheesy formalities. It was the only season when Chris Harrison was not allowed to walk in and say “Ladies, this is the final rose”!! Also, I remember once he went to their hotel and made them all come-as-you-are to the lobby and hang out. He wanted to see what the girls were like without two hours of hair and make-up prep. I think he made out with a lot of people though, so that’s annoying. But to be expected. He and the girl he chose, Sarah, dated off and on forever.

      We’ll have to list all of the Bachs/Bachettes one day and really try and remember. Someone needs to do a documentary: Where Are They Now ; )

  3. Amy

    Update from Seattle: Chantal’s stepdad is Mike O’Brien, a former Seattle Seahawk and now owns a number of auto dealerships in Seattle. Thus, the big waterfront home on Mercer Island….Great summary Yael!

  4. erin

    A few thoughts:

    Chantal- Mikey boy (sweet update Amy- I love the info) seemed more like he’d be frat brothers/ daddy issue support group friends with Brad than Brad’s father in law. If my child ever takes a nap I’m going to do some research on Mikey’s looks/has HE had work done (for those local tv car dealer spots maybe)? Is that the wealthiest home a hometown visit has ever seen?

    Which dad asked Brad if he wanted kids and Brad indicated they hadn’t discussed it? Really Brad? Down to four girls and you don’t know each of their answers to the kids question?

    Ashley: he did seem to have a great time. I’m not sure I understand the concern about her career unless people in Texas don’t have teeth… Dentists can pretty much get jobs anywhere, can’t they?

    Emily- I thought Brads little speech was kinda cute until he kept saying you’re not buying it, are you? At that point dude should have just said screw it, if you’re ok, so am I. I actually watched previews which I don’t usually do, but I’m a sucker for south africa… Lovin Emily’s mom speech. That could make things more interesting. Ed got chosen despite his “performance issues” in the talk dirty to me suites, but if Emily won’t even go to the suite what’s a boy to do?

    I can’t bring myself to discuss Shawntels date. Tragic.

    Very excited for South Africa. Bummed we don’t any crazy Michelle comments about safari dates though.

  5. rebecca

    I watched most of the show on fast forward but do have some meaningful and deep contributions, such as Brad looks hot in the beret, why do Chantal and Emily have such nice houses (I too immediately wondered how Emily could afford that place on a children’s hospital event planner salary), and ALSO Chantal’s mom so obviously was hitting on Brad it was so funny.

    The whole try to impress 7 year old Ricky was awkward and overdone.

    I was embarassed for Shawntal saying I love you 50 million times, even though I liked her.

    Brad refusing to kiss Emily because Ricky was upstairs was stupid and IMHO he is lucky she gave him a second chance.

    Brad said “I don’t blame you” 5 million times to Ricky when she wouldn’t acknowledge him. He was trying too hard and I was annoyed and embarassed for him. Also, I’m starting to think Emily is too good for Brad.

  6. yael

    Erin and Rebecca, agree that Brad is just getting too dopey around Emily, and her kid for that matter. I am genuinely surprised she is so into him. This is a girl that was once engaged to the great love of her life, and dated Dale Earnhardt Jr! I actually think compatibility-wise, it should be him and Ashley at the end. They’re both a little feisty, confident, have careers, and she doesn’t mind moving and her family is cool. Chantal would never work. Roboto Brad can’t marry into an NFL family.

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