Full disclosure: I watched this episode with four other girls. One of them brought roses so we could have our own rose ceremony. I am worried the girls would have sent me home since it took me over an hour to even figure out how to beam this episode internationally. iTunes or Slingbox? Which wire connects what? Total and utter chaos. Of the best kind. The kind of chaos that ensues when you miss half the episode but pause and rewind to make sure you catch all of Michelle’s one-line zingers. And we’re off.
The episode opens with a map showing the girls flying from Costa Rica to Anguilla. They did not seem to be sad to be leaving Costa Rica, amirite? I know it is all the eco-importance of Costa Rica that got them down but still, show some respect. Eff that. They are headed to Anguilla, and the crowd I was hanging with could not agree on the pronunciation of the same. See, the dissention starts early.
Anngwilla is beautiful, all white sand and azure water. Even I was happy to say goodbye to the rain and zip lines. Chantal arrives in a hot pink tube top but every time the camera switches to one of her confessionals, it’s a hot pink halter. ABC is always tripping with my mind.
We can barely get into the episode when Emily gets the first one-on-one. Which even I admit is controversial. BUT one of the good things about Robot Brad is that he totally wants to play this season by his rules. And he likes the girl a lot. Likey likey.
They head off in a helicopter and the room I’m in bursts out into a cacophony about how pretty she is. Totes. Emily is very pretty. But she looks to me like she wears flippers. IJS.
The happy couple flies to a private deserted island that is basically a sand spit in the shape of a penis. It’s like the opposite of something Dubai would mold an island into. Brad looks like he needs sunblock, admits he gets fumbly around her, Emily’s hair is inexplicably wet and Brad makes some sun setting moon rising metaphor and there is a full moon.
The lovebirds go from a daytime meal on the beach to a nighttime one and although they are the fan favorites, I just have to say that I have yet to see them have a truly deep, meaningful, funny, revealing, real, probing, normal couple conversation. It’s one of those typical Bachelor things where all their conversations are about how they feel about this process and whether they can meet each other’s families. But that’s not how people fall in love in real life. Sometimes people talk about what foods they like and why their boss is a jerk and make snarky comments about passers-by. But this is a reality dating competition, and I just have to shut my pie-hole. So I sit through another convo about whether Brad will get to meet Ricky/Ricki/Rickie the daughter and pretend to be interested.
I perk up for a second when Brad “breaks rank” and tells Emily that she is going to definitely get a rose at the next rose ceremony. I am a rule follower, but I am liking his style.
Then Brad says “I fell very hard tonight” but we all hear it as “I felt very hard tonight” which is so Beavis and Butthead of us but come on, that is funny. They kiss each other with hands on each other’s cheeks (hmm) and Brad says again that “he doesn’t care about the rules.” No doubt. Last time he didn’t pick anyone.
Like Emily, Shawntel does that cute little half braid at her hairline.
I like Shawntel. Always have, always will. She is quirky and seems incapable of being anything other than her cute and odd self. I have even gotten over that lame shopping date from yesteryear.
But Shawntel for some reason is slurring her words in the opening montage for this date. It’s strange. I am thinking she took a muscle relaxer to prepare for the stress of the date. Or some embalming fluid. Nonetheless, how ridiculously adorable do the two of them look riding bikes through Anngwilla town? And then they happen upon a “market.”
So here’s the thing, I have been to the Caribbean a few times. A few lot of times. Many of the islands. They all have little markets. Often, sadly, these markets are geared towards tourists and all the fresh meat straight off the cruise ships. Many goods are hawked, from straw baskets to hair braiding to tie dye beach cover-ups. That’s why I knew something was off from this “market” they just spontaneously bumped into. Where were all the white people? Why did everyone seem so happy? Why was nobody pressuring the couple into buying anything? Why did they invite them into a game of dominoes? It’s not even remotely possible that ABC staged this event, right? Convince the locals to come be charming on tv? I didn’t think so. It’s totally normal for people there to play steel drums in the middle of the day and double dutch on the jump rope, as opposed to sweating their asses off at their real jobs like being bank tellers and snorkel equipment rental clerks.
Then there is some toothless old wise woman, a little grassy patch with goats (?) and Brad isn’t sure how he’s exactly feeling. He can’t get yesterday’s date with Emily out of his head. He has to measure his feelings, he tells us. Where is Jamie his LA therapist??
Turns out, no therapist needed. Shawntel and he off-the-shoulder signature tee hits Brad’s sweet spot: they talk about their shitty dads. At least I think that’s what happens. Maybe Shawntel loves her dad and he is one of the ones that died prematurely. Ugh, I am so unprepared for this recap. At this point in the episode, I am pretty sure my toddler was falling off the couch and screaming, and the laptop was dying.
Now it’s the night part of the date and, SURPRISE, Bankie Banx makes an impromptu musical performance. You don’t know who Bankie Banx is? Well, according to Chris Harrison, or is it Brad, he is the “most famous singer in Anguilla, if not the entire Caribbean.” Which is cool. I can get down with that, cause I do like his jams. I just hope no one shares that moniker with Bob Marley, his descendents, Rihanna, Shaggy and a bunch of other people I can’t think to name.
So also, a whole slew of people arrive and everyone starts grooving. It seems totally organic and normal that there is a flash mob dance party, and also totally normal that Shawntel and Brad pay their respects to the presence of this great and beloved musician by AWOLing and getting their tramp stamped bodies all slimed up in the ocean.
Britt the Mute’s Sail on the Sea of Love one-on-one date
I have always had a mortal hatred of Michelle, but she is funny. The only time our room was quiet was to hear her one-line responses to any and all news about the other girls. On Britt’s sailing-themed date: “Their ship will go down.” Hilar.
Now poor Britt. She doesn’t have a fighting chance and is way behind the other girls because Brad is about 5 dates ahead with everyone else. Plus she’s soooo young, and has long Rapunzel hair, is soft-spoken and, according the peanut gallery in my viewing party: she is anorexic skinny. Now I don’t necessarily know the difference between genetic skinny and anorexic skinny. She looked genetic skinny to me- like the kind of girl who cries all through high school because she wishes she could gain weight. She is a food writer, for chrissakes. But these girls aren’t having it, mmmkay.
A yacht pulls off and they have to swim to it. Michelle, for comic relief, explains that she thinks this yacht date for Britt is a waste of Brad’s time, “they wouldn’t even Friend each other on Facebook.”
Now there’s a rock cliff. It looks scary at first but it’s actually wimpy and even though it was so anticlimactic, thank god it happened because Brad, for lack of anything else to talk about, referenced at least ten times later in the date that he was “so proud of Britt” for facing her wimpy cliff jumping fear, and that his favorite part of the date was “seeing her face when she did the jump.”
I keep thinking Britt is refreshingly normal. But Brad’s Just Not That Into Her and he again breaks “protocol” (big word, Brad!) and basically sends her home before she can investigate what dessert will be.
Now I know Brad is congratulating himself for being so forthright and not stringing anyone along, BUT he has done one of the worst things I have ever possibly seen in the fifteen years I have been proudly watching this franchise: he kicks a girl to the curb but first MAKES HER GO BACK INTO THE HOUSE FULL OF HER ROOMMATES AND PACK. No, no, no, no, no, no you roided-out Robot. That is NOT how we do things around here. Shame on Chris Harrison for letting in happen. And to Britt’s absolute classy credit, she gives all the girls the little hugs and hellos they want and then when the vultures finally stop yapping, she quietly explains that she is packing to go home. Embarrassment of all embarrassments. I am proud of the grace of this girl and even let her spin her little tall tale when she tells everyone she was the one that didn’t feel a connection. Au revoir, Rapunzel. Enjoy your spotlight silhouette on that dinghy to humiliation.
Dawn of a New Love group date with the Dentist, the Crier and the Evil Hairstylist
At 2:07am Anngwilla local time, Brad wakes the girls up from their group bedroom slumber. I told my friends I would be so mad. What if you had JUST farted? Or were wearing your mouth guard? Or sleep with an open mouth and a little bit of drool? Not that I would ever do that. But, the girls are gorgeously dozing so obviously the whole things wasn’t staged at all.
They all head to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition photo shoot. Which is the best date ever. Girls getting topless and dry-sand humping on the beach with Brad. I absolutely hate shallow critiques of other girls’ bodies, but look, I will sacrifice myself for this blog. Ashley has a smokin’ hot bod for a dentist. Chantal has big melon boobs. Which are sexy, but I am worried that in ten years they will be at her midriff. Michelle is about as MILFy as one can get, and she informs us she has “done a little modelling.”
At the, um, after party I guess, Brad realizes the folly of his ways. His dry humping of Michelle has not gone over well with Ashley and Chantal. As they all sip their radioactively green cocktails for the next however many minutes, we are all treated to a torturous series of DTRs. Ashley feels like a kid sister and a friend only. Chantal can’t stop telling Brad she loves him. Michelle can’t deny she is a volatile woman with a temper. And then, the best moment of the show happens. A moment so good, I implore you to go back on the ABC website, fast-forward the episode and then stop it right as Brad gives Ashley the rose.
THOSE EXTENSIONS! Oh lord, I have never inside-laughed so hard (the crowd in my house didn’t love it as much as me). Worst extensions EVER. Worse than Britney Spears after she shaved her head and grew out little baby hairs. Ashley has this cute medium-length layered dirty blonde head of hair and then all of the sudden, yellow snakes and slugs of long dreadlocked hair appear underneath about one foot longer than her real hair.What poor soul in India sold her long locks to be bleached and attached in such a crime against hairdon’ts? Oy.
Chantal cries some more and I am almost ready for her to get sent home at the
Brad decides to forego the usual cocktail party. That’s right, I used the word “forego” before the episode of overnight dates where everyone gets to forego their individual rooms and stay together. I am so ahead of my time.
So Brad doesn’t need any time for more DTRs. He gives Michelle the boot and she, true to form, gives him the silent treatment. I am actually disappointed she doesn’t say anything witty about the other girls dying but it was about time she moved on. She must have a B-list celebrity somewhere to stalk.
Previews for next week
Hometown dates: Chantal’s mom is smokin’. Emily’s little girl might not like Brad. And Shawntel takes him to a mausoleum. And somebody might be from Canada. Hopefully there is a hot tub involved. This episode left me with withdrawal.