You know an episode is going to be good when it opens with a helicopter. Because that means ABC is thinking CREATIVELY.
Robot Brad talks about the magic and beauty of Costa Rica, his second chance to fall in love and how he has to ne vulnerable and open his heart. Heavy decisions weighing heavily on his heart.
The Springs Resort & Spa. HOLY SHIT. Lush. Green. Volcano. And then the Robot is waving to the girls from below.
Alli says something but I don’t hear it. All that matters is she doesn’t get that date card. And Michelle is explaining that hopefully Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes. Only seconds into the episode and Michelle pulls her crazy. You have to be amazed with a guy that can like an Emily and a Michelle simultaneously.
Love is in the Air Tonight (Hold on Tight) date with Chantal
Interesting to get a second one-on-one. Helicopter.
Off to the side, Michelle calls Chantal “aggressive, overconfident and egotistical.” POT. KETTLE. BLACK.
Longest zipline in the world. Flash rainstorm. Rain analogy. Why the urge on this show to make dating/marriage analogies with the activity or weather at hand? One of these days I am going to have think of a baseball and hot dogs one for my marriage. Rain comes your way, you make the most of it.
Okay, this zipline looks awesome.
Now a river picnic. And more pouring rain. Is the camera crew pissed? Up to Brad’s room. Yeah Chantal, she got right on the bed.
Meanwhile, Michelle has never seen rain like this. She has a comment about everything. And she hopes the rain is ruining the date.
Not so fast, crazy hairstylist lady, Chantal pulls an Ally Sheedy a la St Elmo’s Fire and comes out in just Brad’s button-down shirt. Gets the guy every time. I should try it too, but my husband and I wear the same size. His shirt would be all fitted on me.
Brad’s rose speech includes a “with that being said”. He likes to say that. Then some kissy kissy while they awkwardly hold the rose.Chantal is genuine. I like her. Brad’s a robot. With good pecs.
So check out Costa Rica during the rainy season. ABC got a discount I guess.
Love Springs Eternal group date
Michelle hates group dates. And rain. And coldness. And Chantal. And all the monkeys and apes that won’t just go and kill Chantal already.
This Mexican music ABC keeps playing is throwing me off.
Rappelling down a waterfall. Jackie is afraid of heights. These helmets are not flattering. Especially to Jackie. Michelle is mad because Brad is rapel-cheating. She is sulking. She tells scared Jackie to look down and then gets an evil smile when Jackie panics. I am surprised she just doesn’t whip out some scissors.
As per usual, Brad indulges temper tantrums. He goes down with Michelle. Now it’s Red outfits vs. Blue. Crips vs. Bloods.
Now it’s bikini time. Emily’s neony flowery underwirey bikini is FUG CITY. Michelle says something about f**king Brad. Gross.
Emily is not allowed to sabotage this.
Alli is afraid of bugs that crunch when you step on them. Back in the room screams bloody murder and Brad hears it all the way from his group date time with Michelle. Okay, that is annoying. The After Party is basically at the girls’ house.
Michelle is complaining about Chantal and Brad together. KICK HER OUT ALREADY. And her dumb two-tone bikini.
Brad doesn’t know what to do with the rose so he does nothing. Here’s a thought: GIVE IT TO LONG-SUFFERING BRITT. Okay, I take that back. One thing I liked about Robot 3 years ago was that he will not give something to someone if he doesn’t feel it. But he will if you throw a temper tantrum. Which leads us to
Meet me at the Altar date with Alli
I am not rooting for her from the get-go. I decided last week she was a bad person.
Brad brings a horse and some ponies? Beautiful walk and then… bat cave. I am pretty up for anything, but even bats are not my idea of a good time. Seriously. Ewwwww. Although I am loath to ever be on Alli’s side. She will probably start saying that her fear of bats is worse in life than Emily’s dead ex in a plane crash.
The altar is a wet cave. Lame. I want like Harrison Ford to pop out in a safari outfit. I think Brad is wearing Tevas.
The nighttime date is, yet again, at the hotel. Blech. Are there ABC budget cuts? Is Costa Rica really so boring?
Dinner. Brad wants to talk about the date and emotions and Alli is concerned about whether chicken is on her plate and where to travel in Europe. Then they start sinking. METAPHOR.
Back “home” Chantal is sort of being a rabble-rouser and making everyone vote on whether Alli is coming home. That’s kind of annoying. I want to love her through and through. Quit while you’re ahead, Chantal.
Whoazers. Alli starts talking about her ex and Brad gets that she is describing the lack of chemistry he feels for her. He wants to seal the break-up deal and she goes into how comfortable she feels around him. What a turn-on: I feel comfortable around you. She should have just said, I am ready to fart in front of you.
It sucks though that Alli got dumped and now they’re still in the middle of the quicksand table.
Brad goes back to his room
emotionally exhausted and he wants “down time”. FORESHADOWING.
Stalker Michelle. How does she know what room he’s in? Brad agrees he misses her badly. I am so perplexed. Michelle trash talks Chantal some more. Decided to go through the list of girls who need to go home, and in what order. Is she the worst person ever on this show?
Cocktail party (if we can call it that)
I like Emily’s maxi dress. I like hammocks.
I want to like Michelle’s print dress but I don’t want to say one nice thing about her. I want to give her a black eye. Now we are like 400 dates in and Michelle finally says she wants to know more about Brad. Instead of spending time talking smack and bizarro.
Never play the Silent Game with a mortician. It would creep me out.
The girls are going all Clue-like trying to figure out who had time to bitch to Brad about the group date since the group date. It was Colonel Michelle with the fist in the hot tub. Chantal figured it out that Michelle snuck off to see Brad last night.
Confronted. Admission. Stone cold silence.
Chantal says I Love You to Brad. Hmmm. Dunno about this. Brad gives his robot stare.
Chris Harrison arrives. He is so useless.
Britt- impressive she keeps getting one with no one-on-one date
Jackie – I mean, we knew this was coming
Anguilla. Is it really the most exclusive island? I am pretty sure that is Mustique. I feel like Disney cruises pull in to Anguilla.
Michelle gets to do it on the beach. Chantal gives Brad a hard time.