So first things first: Shouldn’t the name Ashley have seen its peak amongst now-current thirtysomethings? I feel that Ashley S and H’s parents didn’t get the memo.
Now back to another boring episode of Roboto Brad.
Chris Harrison, who is lacking screen time this season (not that I am complaining), says “journey” which makes me sit back, get comfy on the couch with some girlfriends and tuck into some Japanese food. Just hearing that word makes everything ok. Chris also says “things are about to get serious”, which makes me sit upright again.
Serious because the last of the three dates will be the “dreaded two on one”, which if I was in a more hilariously charitable mood, I would say conjures up such imagery. Imagery that is either pornographic or criminal.
Now the ladies are on a plane bound for Sin City. Michelle, ever vamping for the camera, says it’s good they are going to pastures new as she “needs more space for my luggage”. Because Psycho travels heavy y’all.
Quote of the Episode is when the Mayor of Las Vegas proclaims to Brad, “I am honored and privileged to have you here.” I don’t even know what to say.
The ladies arrive in the Sky Suite at the Aria hotel, Brad presents a date card and says he is super excited about it and then walks out. That was weird, right?
Let’s End Tonight with a Bang Date with Shawntel
(I refuse to use last initials for Chan/Shawn as the names are spelled and pronounced differently. Wanna fight?)
Cutie Shawntel who I very much heart is wearing an off the shoulder tee, which for some reason sits better with me than when Ali rocked those for a whole season. Guess what the small town girl from Chico gets to do? A SHOPPING SPREE. Even I was jealous and I wouldn’t know a Prada bag if it started open mouth french kissing me at an after party. The sequence is ultimately boring and not many of the purchases looked that fly to me. But then again, I shop at H&M.
Now here is Shawntel’s fatal mistake, because I like the girl is why I am breaking it down. She came “home” with all her bags, plopped on the floor in front of all the girls and then one by one did show & tell, making sure even to describe which purse was $5,000. To me, this is very poor taste. Don’t boast, don’t show off and worst of all, do not say how much something costs. I think she is better than that so I was surprised. I hope that shit gets eBay’d stat btw.
Speaking of… later on the date which I think might have been on a roof or near a roof or something (which was standard ABC with table set for two and a rose) Shawntel says she is worried she is going to start talking about embalming. And then she does. And this what I hear:
So this chick is seriously awesome. Because she has a crazy job and isn’t afraid to crazy talk about it. And still manages to be cute and funny. While still shoveling food in her mouth (is she the only girl ever on this series to actually eat? Hurrah!) Brad seems into it and yet wary. Fair enough, bud. She did look a little too excited about vein drain.
Then fireworks. Which was the “Bang” in the date. Or was it?
Shawntel then pulls her signature move of kissing Brad first and jumping in his arms and at this point my friend notices she has abandoned her 5 inch heels for flip flops. Bachelor girls: they’re just like us!
Let’s Go Speed Dating group date
I hate these kind of dates. Action, blah blah but no one ever talks to each other or connects or gets any real date time. It’s dumb.
I shuddered a bit when Brad excitedly announced that Dale Earnhardt Jr once drove at this track. Little does he know fair-haired sweet Emily DATED Mr. Earnhardt Jr some years ago. I am not saying she is a fame whore. I am just saying it’s weird he mentioned her ex-boyfriend and didn’t realize it.
Then the rest of this tortuous segment where Emily is sad and emotional and caressing her wedding rings (?) and kind of freaked out because Ricky ended his career at a crash at this track and then died later, remember. And it’s all too painful to remember. And Brad still thinks she should drive a racecar while emotional and teary and ABC though the whole thing was a very good idea to begin with. Maybe next date, they will have Emily attempt to fly a plane in inclement weather over a graveyard.
It’s important that I note at one point on the date, Michelle says “this is amazing.” I can’t believe she said something positive. I wrote it down.
Here is where I hand it to Alli. All along I thought she was a sorta boring Apparel Merchant from Columbus, OH and Jennifer Garner doppelganger when ABRACADABRA, she comes out with possibly the most delusionally selfish and horrible thing I have ever heard spoken in this show’s history.
In response to Brad trying to comfort Emily for a few minutes for having dragged her on a date that is a direct reminder of the most horribly traumatic thing to ever happen to a family ever, Alli pouts:
We all have problems, we all have issues. Somehow her problems win?
I paraphrase. That’s what happens when I’m angry. I can’t transcribe quickly enough. So just to explain, Alli does not see why Emily merits those extra moments. She is ready for the focus to be back on her and not some single mom with a dead ex. But the real pressing question is: what are these “problems and issues” that Alli feels they all have that makes them equal to someone who has suffered devastating loss?
Just when I feel like there is no hope for humanity, Chantal, who I also heart, says that she likes the quality in Brad that makes him want to take care of people when they’re sad and need it. Thank you Chantal, for bringing this back to Brad. Tis the point of the show, after all.
Brad then seems to threaten to give up on Emily because of her history, Alli cries because she “doesn’t feel special”, Michelle says some annoying crap about no one is right for Brad and she spews a lot of nonsense and inexplicably as ever, Brad loves it and loves kissing her. But Emily gets the rose. Alli stabs at a blonde-haired voodoo doll.
Come Swing with the King 2 on 1 with Ashley squared
Rewind. When the Ashleys realized during the reading of the group date card that they would then default to this date, they cried, freaked out and declared their best friendship. Which was sort of cute as we don’t often get to hear details of dynamics in the house among the girls. But turns out it’s bullhonkey because there was no sister love on this date.
But what there was aplenty was lame Elvis Cirque du Soleil scenes. Not that CDS is lame. Just that we have been in this movie before, you know. A bunch of boring practicing on wires happens, a tense dinner, possibly no food eating, Ashley H has “anxiety in her stomach” (wha?) and Brad feels the decision is “weighing heavily on his heart.”
So this is what happens: Brad goes with his heart. And if I could take a scan of my my notes and jpeg it up in this piece, it would look sort of like this but in ink in my handwriting:
Yep, he chooses the most unstable dentist since Steve Martin and gives the rose to Ashley H. The first impression rose Ashley S has to go home in a taxi, humiliated, declaring she has no fight left in her and on the first plane back to NYC to some other awful Nanny Diaries scenario.
I barely can concentrate because Chantal is boobing out in a black mesh top.
Alli, who just wants to know why she can’t feel special even though her child’s father was not burnt to a crisp in a tragic, untimely death, gets a special green cake and champagne from Brad. Brad is consistent about one thing: when girls are needy and pathetic and selfish and appalling, he makes sure to give them extra attention and the first rose during the ensuing ceremony. I feel like he is taking his therapy too far.
Poor Marissa wrote love notes to Brad.
Britt never gets to talk on camera. But Michelle will do the talking for her. She sees no “romance” between them. Then when it’s her turn, she does some disturbing dominatrix thing when Brad has to be silent and listen to Michelle’s generic and oft-repeated phrases about being a woman and getting rid of the girls and she is the only one for him. Of course Brad loves it but hopefully also understands if one day he doesn’t return a call of her, she might break into his house and set it on fire.
Lisa still doesn’t get to speak the entire episode. What gives, ABC? Not ONE episode? Seriously!
Brad is at a crossroads.
Michelle – gets the first rose which means I have to stop watching the season
Alli – gets the second rose which means Brad sucks and I don’t care who he ends up with as long as it’s not one of the good ones
Britt – some kind of salvation
Jackie – haven’t heard her speak in a while
Chantal – he always ends with her. What does this mean?
Emily, Shawntel and Ashley H already had roses. Which leaves
Lisa – ABC finally lets her speak during her humiliation time
Marissa – tells us she left a lot behind to do this show. And I feel sorry for you why?
Finally, some glimmer of excitement. Costa Rica, Anguilla, South Africa… Yay!
Horrible Michelle practically has sex on the beach with Brad. Emily might get the one on one overnight date in Anguilla but then later there is some kind of cry-fest where maybe she is rejecting Brad a la Frank and Ali? I think I hear Ashley H’s voiceover during the South Africa segment, which means she shockingly continues to make it through.
It’s way too late at night for this shizzle.