I can’t quite put my finger on it. Brad is nice enough and talkative enough. The girls are the usual mixed lot. The dates are recycled and yet still perfectly fine to look at.
I just. feel. bored. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s Brad’s semi-intense gaze, beady eyes, breasts and almost robotic way of speaking. Or maybe it’s that the craziest girl in the house is only crazy in talk. And compared to some girls from past seasons, almost seems marriage-worthy. This just makes my job harder. But someone has to do it. I sacrifice so much for others.
Michelle wakes up with a black eye. Which could be exciting but then sort of goes nowhere. We don’t know why she has it and although she talks about it incessantly, it just never generates any drama. I think she was dreaming about one of her elbow drops on to one of the girls in the house, and sleepy mayhem ensued. And then, inexplicably, Brad still liked her after she blurted out in Tourettes-like fashion the presence of said black eye when he came in to get Chantal for a date.
How Deep is Your Love scuba date with Chantal
Helicopter. Heli-what? Heli-kill me. On one episode they need the couple to get picked up by elephants or Segways. This other shite is getting OLD, son.
So Brad starts off their date by saying “Thank you for coming” which I will just go ahead and make the Quote of the Episode for lack of anything more hilarious. But really, she had a choice? She was going to say no to the date?
Other observations: Chantal has big boobs (they all do, as we’ve noted in the past). I want to go to Catalina Island. You couldn’t pay me to fake-scuba in those astronaut helmets. Algae is not all that.
Afterwards, Brad and Chantal have a very LOUD-VOLUMED conversation where they discuss her divorce, marriage and avoid eye contact with one another. As an astute contributor to this blog has pointed out in the past, Chantal commits a lot of blush abuse. It was in full force on this date. They kiss. There is a thunderstorm. Chantal says it’s good luck. No one knows what the hell she is talking about. They go to the outdoor bed to make out. And scene.
Love is On the Line group date
The ladies and Bradley head to Dr. Drew’s radio show, Loveline. Ashley S’s southern accent continues to give me mild seizures, Brad talks about therapy and wanting the women to open up and Stacey the Bartender admits she has cheated before. It was in college and besides, she is wearing a strapless plaid tube top. Or as they say in the UK, a boob tube. I know, it’s weird. And yet, so accurate.
There was nothing during the radio sequence that I even found to be remotely revealing or interesting, but I will throw some credit Brad’s way for saying he doesn’t have a type, but is looking for a certain connection. Take that, catty ladies. Don’t try and put him in a box.
The “after party” is where the action’s at. Let’s pause to consider the name of these events. They inevitably consist of a bunch of crying girls and Brad being forced into awkward one-on-ones and then girls interrupting at inopportune moments and sad sack bikini parades in the background. Worst after parties of all time. But best for the drama.
Alli grabs my attention with her horrible neon green bikini. And yes, huge rack. Then Ashley S almost kills me dead with her high-pitched Southern baby pleas followed by the actual nerve of her to request a hug from Alli after she has interrupted her alone time with Brad. I can’t believe Alli did not give that hug.
Britt gets some one on one time and all I can concentrate on, besides her refreshingly down-to-earth, genuine, shy but earnest demeanor, is her totally radical stripy bikini. I want that bikini. It has aqua and stripes. Two of my favorite things. Plus, Britt is shockingly normal. And admits she gets nervous and has a crush on Brad. Awwww, she is good people. Except for her Rapunzel hair she reveals at the rose ceremony later in the week. That freaked me out a little. But whatevsies. Love the bikini.
Ashley H then “begrudgingly” interrupts. She snorts and snuffs the whole walk to the love couch, so put out that she has to steal Brad. Then she steals him. And immediately starts complaining. As per usual, I am actually shocked that a girl would squander her limited time to get Brad to fall for her and all her charming, best qualities by instead moaning about everything. And as per usual, Brad has the opposite reaction and is overly accommodating to the immaturity and bad judgment and decides to give that person the rose (remember Michelle last week?). But then-
I love twists. He was all set to roll up on the hot tub and bestow that hothouse-grown flower on Ashley H when she opens her stupid, drunken, crazy dentist’s mouth and Brad quickly decides to “change my plan a little.” Hooray Brad, for one second you are showing some personality! Britt and her stripy bikini totes deserved it.
Let’s Hang Out Together rappelling date with Michelle and her healed black eye
Michelle is so annoying when she’s on camera, ABC has at least had the good sense this episode to not give her constant screen time, just too much of it. But at least not constant. When she first gets the date card, she deliberates whether it is a huge terrible omen that she is the only one whose hokey date title does not have the word “Love” in it. Then the morning of her date she holds crazy court waxing on and on about how terrible it is that Ashley H and her drama from last night are monopolizing her time. I hate her, of course, and her litany of complaints. It’s her day, she declares. It’s always her day. She’s always turning 30 or getting a black eye or going rappelling.
Chantal, who might forever be my favorite person in this franchise, calmly and astutely calls Michelle out. How can she be so offended someone would steal “her time” when she pulled the same crapola on that action movie group date? Worse: at least it was Brad’s idea to pull Ashley H outside to clear the air. When Michelle bulldozes everyone else’s moment, it’s always her own doing. Oh but it’s moral. Or something like that.
Quick Ashley H tidbit: she gets the second-best quote of the episode with her very serious delivery of “I’ve never been in this situation.” You’ve never been on a reality show vying for one guy against 30 women before? For real?! But I gain a little bit of Ashley H sympathy back when Michelle makes one of her weird veiled threats with accompanying hand gestures about how she’s going to elbow Ashley in the eye. Because all her violent threats are totally merited.
Some banter about facing the biggest fears of their lives.
Crazy, hated lady seals the deal with The Bachelor through dangerous physical activity involving heights. I miss Jake and Vienna. Now THAT was a season and a couple you could write about.
Michelle then proceeds to have her other split personality-personality dominate the date so that Brad is smitten. She throws some more weird gang signs and hand gestures in her video confessionals. She not only gets the rose- but Brad wants to meet her daughter and can see himself spending his whole life with her. And I can see the 10 o’clock news now about his mysterious murder. Moving on.
Brad’s LA therapist Jamie visits him in his fake house and gives a lot of pedestrian clichéd advice. Where the heck is that guy’s accent from?
Where has Shawntel been hiding this episode? I am digging the crazy green dress. And it was cute she jumped into his arms and kissed him. I like when the girls are positive and proactive instead of crying and complaining about how hard it is to be vying for a man against competition despite the fact that they have been watching this show for ten years and that is 100% what they signed up for.
There was some weird conversation with Meghan about how it’s great that she doesn’t feel like she has to dance around a hot tub in a bikini to get Brad’s attention. Translation: you are totally not getting a rose, unfashionable fashion marketer.
I have to admit I was also very perplexed about the basket of romance Brad prepared for one on one time with Emily. I like classy and positive Emily as much as the next pathetic viewer of this show, but why the obvious special treatment during a time when you should be quickly working the room to finalize rose decisions? And to do it right in front of everyone? And the explanation was so weak: “you deserve more than just a quick conversation during a cocktail party.” Huh? Why more so than the others? I like Emily, I do. I am rooting for her. But I am not rooting for her roots. Or that hair that is getting yellower. Or those veneers that are getting whiter. Oh well.
Chantal gets the last one on one time and cries and the camera cuts to her crying, inexplicably, wearing a totally different top and constantly swatting at her tear-stained face that is so covered in crazy pink blush and blue eyeshadow that I don’t even know what to do with myself.
Ashley S – love the side-swept hair and not hearing your accent
Alli – the neon green bikini did not kill you off, phew
Emily – duh
Shawntel – duh
Lisa – has yet to ever speak on the show. Sigh
Jackie – okay
Marissa – who?
Ashley H – I am guessing her days are numbered
Meghan – guess you should have worn that bikini and danced int he hot tub. AND WHAT WAS WITH THAT WEIRD FAKE RUN WITH WILD, FLAILING CHICKEN ARMS SHE DID OUT OF THE HOUSE? I didn’t know whether to laugh hysterically or worry.
Stacey – it’s because you cheated on an ex, and you’re boring
Lindsay – have no idea what she’s like but her parents will allegedly be proud
ABC pulls an awesome move to bring a girl to a racetrack whose ex-fiance and father of her child died in a tragic accident on the way to a racetrack. ABC, I am always impressed at your ability to outdo even yourself.