Chantal kind of sums up the episode, the season and the series succinctly and to the point:
There are normals and crazies in this house.
Let’s Find Our Love Song date with Ashley S the Nanny
Moments before Ashley drawls “I know my accent is rilly charmin'”, my husband says: “her accent is really annoying.” Agree. He also says she won’t age well. This is why it’s important to make men watch the show with you.
In Studio A of Capitol Records Brad and Ash butcher Kiss from a Rose and all I can think about is how much I love Seal. I need to listen to one of his albums. It’s been awhile. How did ABC finally get real talent on the show?
Brad had an “amazing” time. But meanwhile back at the ranch, Michelle learns she is going on a group date, thus giving her an opportunity to begin her show-long litany of cuckoo comments. I dislike her so much I don’t want to allow her bad attitude to permeate this entire recap, so I am going to recap her episode’s shittiness all at once:
I’m not gonna lie, I hate the other girls.
I will be pissed if my name is on the group date card.
Brad needs a woman, not a girl.
I am so sick of group dates.
Can’t these ninjas kidnap some of the other girls? Put a bag over their heads…
I don’t want my first kiss to be scripted. I want sexual, sensual and slippery (fireworks gesture).
I feel selfish leaving my child.
All you ladies better pack your bags.
We’re going to practice making babies in Tahiti.
Ashley S informs us she is going to blow Brad’s mind. She and her Dad used to sing that same Seal song and this is the segue to sharing her dad’s brain aneurysm. Brad says in his robotic way, “I am so sorry” but what he is thinking is, F**k, my chub just went away. And I am thinking, how many people on this show are divorced or have a deadbeat dad or a dead dad? Or a dead fiance? Surely this can’t be an accurate Law of Averages.
But Ashley is sweet and feels special. I would too on that rooftop. Holy.
It’s awkward that during Brad’s speech about Ashley he was twirling the rose forever. It’s like holding out a piece of steak and making a speech to the dog about how he’s such a good companion. GIVE ME THE STEAK FORCRISSAKES. Ashley is “the whole package” and they make out in front of Capitol Records sign. Scene.
I don’t understand on iTunes why I still have to watch the previews for the next scene. Doesn’t paying $1.99 exempt me from that?
Love Hurts group date
I love that Brad “wants to see which girls let their hair down”. These tramps always wear their hair down. Don’t you know that? Girls wear their hair long and down when they’re trying to make sure you are fantasizing about humping them. They wear their hair up when they need to be professional, are down-to-earth, are actually confident, exercise safely, it’s windy and they just applied lip gloss, or need to be able to see well and have peripheral vision.
Action sequence ensues. This show wants male viewers so badly. Even my husband looks up.
Sarah P is going to fight for the rose today. I don’t know who Sarah is but I think that’s the right spirit.
Alli doesn’t want to sweat and have pit stains.
Kimberley thinks the date is awesome. She is a Marketing Coordinator so I hope she gets sent home soon.
As promised, Shawntel N is giving it her all and standing out for Brad today. Actually, she does sort of seem like an action star. Her inner Angelina Jolie is no joke.
Okay, it would be hard to watch Brad SWALLOWING another girl.
Brad says “I have an incredible wrap party planned” which of course is annoying. He didn’t plan shit. Can’t you just say it with the passive voice or whatever it is when you don’t have a subject? Example: An incredible wrap party is planned.
The scene is a rooftop pool. Chantal O, oh yeah she was divorced. She is crying because Brad has all these girls. She says “I don’t just do this.” Okay, but you are doing this. And she has to tell the worst mistake she ever made in her life… more deadbeat dad connection and then… the punchline: Dad passed away before she could speak to him after 15 years. “I am done waiting for tomorrow.” This is a buzz kill on Brad’s amazing wrap party. I will hand it to Chantal- she says “I like you” and then leans in herself for a kiss.
Back at the ranch, Emily downloads with the girls in anticipation of her one-on-one. Her fiance died in a plane crash. These girls are human all of the sudden. Crying and then whoa, something gets through big-time to Madison. That maybe this is not all just publicity for modeling and fang-wearing. Some people fall in love and some people die in plane crashes. Want vs. Need. Etc.
I like Emily. But sorta not her yellow hair.
Back at the wrap party, Shawntel doesn’t appreciate the hyenas.
Alli has one-on-one time and then Michelle comes slinking in. Brad seems unsettled about this state of affairs. But then she cries, essentially tells Brad to pick her or he will have been an accessory to child neglect and then they kiss. Fireworks. I guess.
Then ABC does some pretty tricky dicky editing with Brad running to get the rose which I will give ABC credit for (my stomach sank when I thought it was Michelle) but then Yeawwwwww! Shawntel is cute and gets the rose. Plus, she’s a funeral director. Come on, that’s cool!!
Love is Intoxicating date with Emily: A Barbie Doll with the Soul of Mother Teresa
(accurately said, Alli)
Need to break through Emily’s walls. She is wearing a cute romper. Foreshadowing with Emily’s face when she sees the plane. Thank god it’s not a plane to take her to a race car date.
They drive a restored old convertible past vineyards in Santa Maria, California. Please. Can. I. Go. There.
Emily is having trouble describing herself. Emily is deflecting and says she is being put on the spot. You only get one chance, lady. She stresses having only one relationship and being in love once. I would assume Brad hears alarm bells. And then-
Dinner in a barn. Elephant in the room.
Emily tells the Ricky story. Brad’s taking it all in. Emily starts chugging wine.
And then, I will hand it to Brad. He is up to the challenge of living in a dead guy’s shadow. He says he feels the way you feel when you begin a future with someone. Wow.
All of the sudden- Why is Brad being so pensive in a hilltop mansion?! His LA therapist to the rescue. This scene doesn’t seem to involve doctor- patient confidentiality.
Brad announces he’s a in a great mood. Place bets now on who is the first one to bring down his joy.
Alli wrapped herself up like a present. Trust is the most important thing to her. I hate when people say that. Is there anything else that would be more important? I want one of the girls to say that Trust is the 5th most important quality. Back to Alli. Her dad was unfaithful and fathered a bastard younger sister for her. I’m going to go with Alli as the winner of the Debbie Downer contest.
(Dads are really not doing well this season.)
There is chemistry with Chantal. Brad channels the advice of his therapist and gets vulnerable. It’s getting good when all of the sudden you-know-who egomaniac interrupts and there is an awkward pause. At first Brad’s body language is as though Michelle has an infectious skin disorder but then, she breaks out the money pick-up line: “You and I are in a fight. This is our first fight.”
Actually I think that she sucks and her line sucked and she is annoying and her line was annoying and there’s no way Brad will fall for a woman with a child doing a little girl pout-pout routine but then, HE DOES!
There is a blonde on the couch. And then another. Who are they? Apparently it will never matter.
Then it’s Fangs’ turn. And she takes them out. Brings up Emily’s story. I am distracted by her side boob. It’s unclear whether Madison will stay or go.
Ashley H shows us a first glimpse of cracks in her armor. It’s been a long time since she ran around in heels in a strapless dress at her carnival date. And now she is sulking and basically daring Brad to walk away and send her home. I am just sorry he doesn’t take her up on her offer.
Michelle gets the first one (BAD FORM, BRAD) and now every other girl will be a little less excited to get one.
Chantal O gets one for their chemistry.
Madison just walks out. She wants to leave so others will have a chance.
Camera pans to Michelle who appears delighted there is one less ‘girl’. Speaking of Michelle, I think the show lead is always contractually obligated to keep the most heinous person for at least several episodes too long. That’s the only explanation.
Lisa gets a rose. Who?
Marissa gets a rose. Didn’t speak the whole episode.
Britt ditto. Ditto.
Alli has a Jennifer Garner-dimple.
Megan the very unfashionable fashion stylist person gets a rose.
Stacy- she speaks!
Two blondes are sent home. Yay- the marketing coordinator is one of them! She then says Brad is intimidated by her because she is so attractive and successful. Marketing success doesn’t count, silly.
Sarah P seems more emotional, however. But look! She has pockets in her dress! Awesome.
Previews for next week
Ashley H is crazy. Michelle vs. Chantal. Fists fly.
They stressed me out so thank goodness for roasting marshmallows.
P.S. Chris Harrison was all but a ghost this episode. What gives?!