We open with Brad overlooking a canyon in LA, pondering life and using the word “amazing”.
Chris Harrison meanwhile gives the ladies an explanation into “how this all works”. Is there anyone left on earth that doesn’t know the structure of this show?
Date card arrives
Melissa tells us she has been thinking about doing this for 8 years, spent a fortune on clothes and quit her job. That’s too bad. On many levels.
Ashley H, the dentist, gets to go on Road to Love is a Wild Ride or something. I am not sure about her gold lame dress with ruffles. Is it one of those Lanvin dresses from H&M?
The two of them stop the car in the dark and walk on a path with cricket sounds in the background. Ashley is right to compare it to a horror movie. Crickets freak me out. Then they flip this switch and then a spooky carnival starts. Then Ashley H feels “amazing”. Her very high heels don’t seem amazing though for the circumstances.
Where are all the pop-up carnies and workers?
Meanwhile, next date card… Let’s Share Something from the Heart (15 girls going)
Michelle’s birthday is already ruined. According to her.
Back on the date, I agree, for lack of any evidence to the contrary, that Ashley H is the entire package and I do like that Brad calls her intelligent first when listing her attributes. Big smooches. And she feels “amazing”.
They both proclaim it’s the best date they have been on in years. Ashley then aggressively mentions wanting to be prepared to live on her own because of her dad’s abandonment. They have deadbeat dads in common. Brad is not a guy that “spews out emotions”. Ashley wants to know if being abandoned made Brad a more perfect guy and father. I am so distracted with her crazy hand gestures annotating the convo. It’s the dentist in her I guess.
Ashley H made sure Brad is not just back for redemption. And then he called her Ash. “Three years ago I would not have answered these questions”, says Brad. I would be so pissed if I was those old Bach’ettes. Then Ash gets the rose. Smooching on the ferris wheel. Scene.
Now time for the Group Date – American Red Cross blood drive and PSAs
“Happy freakin’ (30th) birthday to me”… is what crazy Michelle says.
Melissa looks gloomy and nervous but tells us she “always brings it”. A little bit of foreshadowing? What she means is she always brings the crazy annoying drama.
Emily is pissed about the 15-person date too. But I like Emily loads and I will let her little complaint go.
“These PSAs may very well be used as commercials.” Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh, um, no. (These group filming dates always seem like such a waste.)
3-ways, cougars, dominatrix, butch girl in neck brace and two arm casts (Keltie) and wanted to cry… but we can’t really pay attention because Melissa reminds us again she quit her job for this show. And Michelle reminds us again it’s her 30th birthday. DRINK! DRINK TWICE!
Brad gets a chest merkin and mustache for the Spanish soap opera. Then there is a scene with the love triangle and kissing Gustavo. Many takes. Everyone upset. Then Melissa busts in and kisses him and Brad looks uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable.
Michelle explains very obviously that she won’t applause but she’ll pity clap. Michelle sucks hard core.
Poor Keltie. Honestly. She gets a horrible unsexy costume while Madison gets to dress as a dominatrix and wear fangs.
Back at the ranch the girls trash-talk Michelle. Agree.
Now back at the sound stage, Britt the food writer is a goodie two shoes and “big ‘ol prude”. This seems like a good show for her to be on. BUT THEN SHE GOES TO TOWN ON BRAD. This is a gross porno and I hope it doesn’t become a PSA.
Michelle reminds us it’s her birthday. This is not how she thought she would be spending her 30th birthday. She then refuses to do anything helpful for charity and storms off. Which obviously makes her deserving of a rescue by Brad. Brad has to go get her. Michelle doesn’t explain why she’s a poor sport and not a team player. Or her shredded shirt. She just explains to us that “All I want for my birthday is Brad.” Actually, I bet there are a few other things she wants like, Botox and to move out of Salt Lake City. But whtatevsies.
Roosevelt Hotel after-party
All the girls agree to be drama-free. A few were crossing their fingers apparently.
Everyone is wearing minidresses except Melissa in her practical slacks. She exudes about as much sex appeal as an annoying older sister and then apologizes to Brad for the interrupting scene kiss earlier. Brad then gives her the kiss of death while giving her a quick platonic pat on the leg while looking around wistfully at the more fun conversations she might be having. But of course, Melissa’s assessment is that the conversation went great. They have a knack on this show for casting people with zero ability to read body language.
Also, she doesn’t seem like a Melissa to me. Usually the names match the people. But aren’t all Melissas brunettes? It is throwing me off.
Birthday girl Michelle then gets 1 on 1 time. Before you can say “thirty”, she accuses Brad of having walls and says he needs to be dissected and the layers need to be peeled. I very strongly dislike her but do really like her big turquoise necklace.
Off somewhere else there is a girl fight brewing and all I hear is “lying by omission” which Raichel seems pretty pleased to have conjured up. Too bad the only lawyer on the show got the boot. Wait, was there every a lawyer? I have season premier amnesia. Then there is some more arguing amongst the Beotches. Melissa reminds us multiple times she is 32. I don’t know what is going on. But Melissa is blonde. Not brunette. It’s very confusing.
Date Card back at the ranch
Jackie wins the Let’s Get Our Love On Track date. This made me think it involved car racing. I still don’t get the play on words.
Then the rose is given out on the group date. Inexplicably Michelle gets it for her 30th birthday for “putting herself out there”. Come again? She was a quitter, a pouter and aggressively failed at psychoanalyzing Brad. Brad, usually you have better judgment. Except with fang girl and Michelle. Oh well.
I love when the girls sit there and sniff the roses grown in a hothouse.
Jackie’s Pretty Woman experience
Hotel in Beverly Hills. Spa. Mud mask. Hand massage from Brad. Hotel room. DRESSES! Make-up and hair stylist.
Emily meanwhile calls Ricky, her daughter, on the phone. Now I’m crying.
Jackie back at The Peninsula. Jewels. I think I HATE the dress she chose. It’s Pretty Woman, lady. You need a wow factor. Can I get a witness? She chose wrong. But I am hearting that necklace BIG time!!
Hollywood Bowl – The marquee reads “For Jackie, Love Brad”
Jackie may not have been popular in high school or college. Two boyfriends her whole life. Can she throw caution to the wind? Brad grabs the rose and sniffs it first. Let’s drink every time someone sniffs a rose! Jackie will hang in there and accepts the rose. Then the band Train performs. Who? Jackie says she is the luckiest girl in the world. Kiss kiss. And scene.
Cocktail party tiiiiiime
Michelle and her crazy eyes interrupts the happy toast by Brad and says she needs two minutes.
Do you prefer Starbucks or The Coffee Bean?
What is always stocked in your refrigerator?
They have eggs in common. Michelle cannot BELIEVE they have eggs in common!
Emily: “I think Michelle is pretty ridiculous.” Now Emily is even more awesome to me. And Brad gets tongue-tied around her.
Melissa and Raichel are back to their antics. I love watching a waitress and manscaper go head-to-head. It’s getting like Rock of Love on VH1. I wish some hair would be pulled.
The only person Melissa can open up to is the vampire. Which is sad enough.
Jesus the Lord loves Raichel more and that’s why she’ll stay. QUOTE OF THE SHOW. Ding ding ding.
Melissa is making the oft-repeated every season tactical mistake with Brad and crying and complaining about how terrible the week is and how she is the targeted girl in the house who everyone hates. Especially by Raichel. And she has onion breath to boot. And she ate four slices of pizza. Hey Melissa, no one likes an overeating smelly loser. Yikes-o. The peanut gallery goes wild with excitement to watch. Honestly, I would have two.
Then Raichel is crying. Brad has to give more hugs. Why is Jesus not hugging Raichel?
Chris Harrison comes in to find out who is there for the right reasons. And then fame whores Ali and Roberto emerge. Plus an extra rose. I get stressed when Ali is not wearing Converse. But I like her sorta-bangs. And I missed Roberto’s butt chin.
Interviews are conducted. Melissa and Raichel being super boring about their spat. Melissa then cries about it to Robertali. And some girl gives a thumbs-down.
Brad gets the expert opinion from the happy couple. And then gives the rose to Emily. Yay!!! We learn she is classy and genuine. I could have told you that, bud!
I get so bored during the long pauses and labored music. It’s a good time to surf the news on-line. Or play Angry Birds.
Fang girl makes it one more week. Meh.
Sporty Spice Marissa makes it in after staying above the catfight fray.
Meghan says “you almost gave me a heart attack.” But what almost gave me a heart attack is her terrible hot pink dress and ugly, chunky necklace combo. I do NOT believe she works in fashion until someone proves it otherwise.
Yay Britt! The shy, making out prude.
I am impressed Brad got rid of the two people exacerbating drama.
Poor Keltie gets an Oscar for Worst Dater Ever. But I think it’s her weird hair necklace that did her in. She says this is her last-ditch effort. Oh goodness, she is like 25! And she is a rapper!
Melissa cries. I am happy to see her go.
Raichel also goes, despite being loved so much by Jesus. Her boobs are distracting me.
Promos for next week
Brad says “we have all the time in the world”. Actually, you totally don’t.
Oh lord, more movie filming.
Michelle gets psycho. Someone storms out of the rose ceremony. One guess.