bachelor brad (redux) episode 1 recap: hyperbole explosion

Yawn.

So here we are again, another season of guilty addictive displeasure courtesy of ABC. I am especially skeptical of this season of recycling but after the December I have had, I need something to make my brain temporarily comatose. And Brad Womack is just what the doctor ordered.

I am anti-spoiler and therefore blissfully unaware (mostly unaware) of the fact that there is already a conclusion to this entire charade. I have opinions. So do you. Let’s snark it out, friends. And we begin!

I am calling this episode an explosion of hyperbole because not one millisecond into the opening, Chris Harrison voiceovers “this is one of the most shocking seasons in Bachelor history.” He then introduces Brad with “Three years ago… one of the most controversial Bachelor finales in history.” This got me thinking: why the references to “history”? And I wonder if my father is aware of these historically significant happenings. So much more interesting than the War of 1812 IMHO.

We open with Brad watching the finale from his first season looking forlorn. He describes panic attacks, said he couldn’t work, and then explains how he found an incredible therapist to help him work through his phobia of commitment. Then Brad trash-talks his deadbeat dad. I smell a defamation lawsuit! And then we’re back to the hyperbole: Brad says that “in every single blog, I was called ‘selfish'” (is cnet aware of this?) and his brother says “the entire nation was asking what is wrong with this guy” (are the 280 million Americans that do not watch The Bachelor aware of this?).

Brad has done a lot of soul-searching and a lot of pumping iron.

But let’s stop talking about Boring Brad and his Dreadful Self-Analysis. Because Episode 1 is about the ladiez. I am thinking that The Bachelor series has been around the block a few times because the Bachelorettes seems pretty tired to me. But nonetheless, we have a moral duty to discuss each and every one of them.

Ashley S got the First Impression rose which I was happy about because I think she is right to just get on with things and analyze Brad from today forward. All the other girls that are trying to give him hell or slap him (I’m talking to you, Chantal) are hypocrites then for going on this show in the first place. Of course they knew who The Bachelor was.

In lieu of ordering by back-story montages (Look, a dentist’s office! Look, a car dealership!) or limo exits, let’s just be lazy and order by Rose Ceremony rose bestowals plus rejects:

Michelle: Salt Lake City single mom. Mormon? I don’t know. According to her bio on the show’s website, has a hair that grows out of a mole on her face and her favorite book is Eat, Pray, Love. Besides these two significant strikes against her, I think she is beautiful. Although she tells us she “is not here to make best friends” (alert alert) and it’s clear in upcoming promos that she doesn’t mention her daughter until well into dating Brad (in reality show years). We may have a villain on our hands.

Kimberly: Gets out of the limo and declares to Brad she has “questions and concerns”. Great pick-up line.

Madison: I despise her for wearing fangs and therefore acting coy and thinking it’s awesome. I feel upset on behalf of the entire borough of Brooklyn. I hope Brad ends up with her since he fuels her self-adoration by proclaiming how sexy and hot the fangs are. Ga-ross and Ga-ross and I bet you so many vampires are so pissed.

Emily: I can’t help it, I like this girl. She is so cliché Southern blonde beautiful but it actually comes off to me as beautiful. She seems very genuine. But there is no way Brad can fill the void Ricky the Racecar Driving High School Sweetheart left behind. He is not worthy.

Raichel: This season it is imperative to do a watch for Horribly Annoying Name Spellings. Award #1 goes to Raichel with an I. With a loser name like that, you’re going to end up as an overly proud “manscaper”. I wanted to be surprised that she thought it was a good idea to bring her waxing supplies to the cocktail party and then balden a portion of Brad’s wrist, but he was too good a sport about it and therefore it was all very typical and they deserve each other. Enjoy her, Brahd.

Keltie: The jury in my brain (totally impartial and comprised of your peers) is out on Keltie. She seems cute and earnest but I wish she would stop making references to the fact that she is a Rockette and high kicks. The schtick might already be up. Also, at the rose ceremony she yelped YAYYY twice and danced a little jig. Oh to the no, Tenley Redux.

Ashley H: I think both Ashleys should be booted just for having the same 80s name. But I am not the ruler of the universe. Yet. Something about Ashley H bugs me a little but I can’t put my finger on it. It might be the slightly ill-fitting strapless dress or the way she accepted a rose by shaking her head side to side and yet inexplicably saying “Yes, of course.” I am so far going to stay in her corner though because she is a dentist and I think it’s awesome that a woman on this show went to real school and is not a model, administrative assistant or marketing coordinator (Currently, I am basically a marketing coordinator. Sigh.)

Meghan: In fashion. Okay, that’s cool but am I all alone in despising the pink shoes she wore out of the limo? Groan.

Lisa M: I am kind of devoid of thinking of anything to say about her. Oh yes, the ruby slippers-as-Kansas reference. Hmmm.

Lindsay: Was she ever on camera?

Alli: Apparel Merchant from Columbus, Ohio. VICTORIA’S SECRET- DING, DING, DING! I am so Sherlock Holmes up in this piece.

Sarah P: I know one of the Sarahs made Brad “propose” when she got out of the limo. That always gets guys hot.

Sporty Spice Marissa: She lives, eats, breathes, poops sports. Obviously in a desperate attempt to get guys.

Britt: That is cool that she is a food writer. Although Marketing Coordinator would obvs be cooler.

Stacey: What Brad does not need is a bartender. Plus, according to her Bio she is most proud of her modelling contract and Candace Bushnell is her favorite author. Next.

Shawntel: Annoying Name Spelling Award number 2. Why? Although the funeral director thing is rocking’. Take that, sexism!

Jackie: This chick is a little ADD. NOT a fan of the pinky swears.

Melissa: Waitress. Says “catch me” coming out of the limo and falls into Brad’s arms. Whatevs.

Chantal: I forget now which is which. But this is the one that is divorced and works at Daddy’s car dealerships. If my father was my employer, I would at least hopefully get a better title than “Executive Assistant”. Otherwise, what is the point of nepotism?

THE REJECTS:

Britnee: Didn’t know why she was being tossed aside but I am going to guess it’s her Pennsylvania accent and ANNOYING NAME SPELLING.

Cristy: How can you kick off the attorney?! With an annoying name spelling. My spell check wanted so badly for it to be Crusty.

J: Cute dimples but what makes you so awesome you get a one-letter first name? Rejected on a national show on your birthday. Owie?

Jill: No luck for the hometown girl. I am sure it wasn’t because her opening line was “I’m ready to get married.”

Lacey: Don’t remember.

Lauren: I was psyched she was a high school teacher (and not Kindergarten) and then Brad has to go and reject the girl who lives IN MY HOMETOWN. Arlington, VA is too cool for Brad Womack.

Renee: Poor Renee lost my rose when she said to Brad “I don’t take life too seriously. As you can see I’m not wearing shoes!” But she does win instead Quote of the Show. In fact, she is competing with herself for Quote of the Show. After she met Brad she said “I am so looking forward to meeting you.”

Sarah L: Obviously rejected because she can’t snap her fingers.

Rebecca: It was confusing to me initially if she was calling Brad a “frog” or a “prince” when she was quoting her mother (because, you know, her mother came up with that line). That might have been her demise.

Ashley S: Lost her dad. Brad probably can’t heal you, baby. He is so busy analyzing himself.

By the way, how lame was it to trot out Jenni and DeAnna and their mini-dresses? DeAnna is such a fame whore and she keeps trying to extend her 15 minutes with desperate things like still being hard on Brad.

Then the part I have been waiting two hours for: the previews. If the most exciting thing that happens this whole season is there is a girl fight, black eye and Brad gets rejected at the altar, then I am in for a boring couple months. But it still beats reading books, am I right?!!! Lol.

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11 Comments

Filed under bachelor episode recap

11 responses to “bachelor brad (redux) episode 1 recap: hyperbole explosion

  1. Jenny

    Yay!!! You’re back on air!

  2. Mere

    I, too, was distracted by the poorly spelled names and the presence of girls with 90s-era names like Madison and Britnee. Either they were before their names’ time or these girls are getting younger and younger. Or maybe I’m getting older. Nah, probably not that-I’m still younger than Brad, right? I also laughed at there being two Chantals/Shawntels. What are the odds?

    • yael

      Totally, the odds of that made me laugh too. I love how Brad has to give the last initial when calling their names. It would be more fun if he over-enunciated ShawnTEL and ChanTAL.

  3. erin

    So happy Chris Harrison and this blog are back in my life. First, Brad’s therapist should be fired. Brad acted like an abuse victim who thinks they deserve no better this whole show. It was pretty annoying. Brad, you apparently did what you had to do- if those minidress girls have moved on, so should these strangers. Slap girl should have been sent home by Chris- violence is not the answer and Brad, you don’t have to take this. You have really big muscles and are not bad looking. Sack up, buddy. Please don’t sing the refrain of a sad country song this whole season. (The villian country singer should write the theme song for this season… Was there a theme song, btw?) If the turkeys on the real world get sent home for hitting, so should these girls. Let’s not have mtv out-classing us.

    Overall, the talent was not very impressive this time around. ABC returned to a shot of sloppy boobs at the rose ceremony about ten times- in the good old days there were only perky boobs at rose ceremonies. What happened to all the perky boob-ed girls looking for love on reality tv? Come back, or my husband won’t watch with me anymore.

    • yael

      erin, I could not agree more. It was awesome that Brad never picked DeAnna or Jenni. Because for once we had a season with no ABC-pressure induced proposal combusting just weeks after the show. Kristen Baldwin preaches it right, Brad should be commended for being honest back then. http://tvrecaps.ew.com/recap/the-bachelor-season-15-episode-1/

      I also agree on the lame slapping thing. Not only was it just dumb, but if the sexes were reversed and the man slapped the woman, everyone would be outraged and ABC would have to dump The Bachelor.

      You need to find a husband that likes sloppy boobs. Unless you’re done having kids. ZING.

  4. sonjey

    I swore this time around I would have a pen and paper handy for my initial notetaking. Sorry, since this is a total venting, laid back, lazy two hours for me, all I want to do is just vegg out and mostly laugh at the ridiculous behaviors. Not a fan of Brad’s, but I’m sure he’ll grow on me. Thought the whole Madison and her fangs was borderline insulting. Wait a minute, it was….. ABC you should be ashamed of yourself!… I too, love Emily…. she was the only name I could remember, because the camera was her best friend and I loved her dress! that off the shoulder black ruffle thing was stunning. It looks like real drama is in store for us and as always, I’ll look forward to Monday nights! Perfect timing after football…..I love sports too, but pleeeeeze, spare me the male turnon line! Brad, you need to work out more!

  5. Rebecca

    Alrighty, where to start? The beginning build up of the whole “every woman in America hates Brad (we do?) and we need to evoke empathy in the audience by showing how he has changed for the better by 1. being severely depressed 2. having panic attacks 3. seeing a therapist 4. loving his brothers’ kids 5. being very remorseful and reading all the blogs about him and 6. simultaneously showing half-naked shots of him so while evoking empathy and sympathy (whatever – I never know the difference) we get everyone drooling” was so overdone. Enough already. You picked someone who ….shocker, did NOT find love the first time around! Who cares, move on already.

    Everyone is going to laugh at this but . . . does anyone notice that Brad has a funny body? SERIOUSLY. It’s like part of his waist is missing and makes his walk funny. I can’t decide if he’s top heavy or bottom heavy but it bugs. Anyone else notice?

    Other thoughts- I too noticed the plethora of “models” and “marketing assistants/managers” and just as I was lecturing to my husband about the lack of women with advanced degrees or college educations or interesting careers (no offense – I was a marketing person in my previous life …. never a model, sorry to say), in walks the lawyer. Who got promptly booted. And the Arlington woman who I was so excited about.

    The fang lady was weird. I liked how Brad actually kind of lectured her about that.

    WHY does someone always insist on singing? WHY?

    I am NOT a fashion expert by any means but did anyone else think there was some sort of 80s prom theme going on with the ladies’ dresses? And I also noticed a great deal of large boobage. Boring.

    I felt a bit bad for the woman who stood up and asked Brad if he could handle her non-petite tush. Especially because he blatantly could not and sent her largeness HOME.

    The Jenny/DeAnna thing could not have been lamer. Fast forward.

    I think “amazing” may have been replaced this season by the new theme word “soul-searching.” Next week everyone take a shot when that word is used and we will all be the drunker for it. Also “leap of faith.”

    Also, Brad is hot.

  6. mira

    I didn’t watch the show the other night and pretty sure I’m not going to watch the next ones. But I will definitely read this blog and the comments because they are WAY more entertaining.

  7. kyle

    Yay– it is Bachelor season again. Wahoo. I had forgotten the commitment though– 2 hours? It is awesome but semi-impossible to get through. It took me three days which is unacceptable. You know what? I like Brad. I am a little sad for Brad (and not just because his name is Brad with a twin brother named Chad). If you believe good ole Chris H., this show done messed him up. Locked in his apartment for months? The Bachelor wouldn’t lie to us, of course. So I found the beginning sad. It was like watching Dr. Phil meet a P90X infomercial. Anyone else feel like those half naked working out shots were ill-placed? And that is quite the TAT he has going on…along with some red pectorals. I’m with Becky on the odd body but still quite hot. Methinks he was under-packed though—did you see that little bag? LOLs.

    And the women—all so gimmicky with their entrances. I guess that was supposed to be the slap heard round the world? Fail. I couldn’t decide if we were at a late 80’s/early 90’s prom or a wedding. The dresses seemed very bridesmaid to me. Was it just my TV or did the bottle blondes’ hair seem to glow? There were a few. I am horrible with names in the beginning and lord knows I wouldn’t have the spelling right anyway. What is it with this crop? I was just waiting for Chrystal and Cristal to show up. The woman who “lives for sports” made me laugh– that used to be my game. Ask my husband how that worked out for him…well, I guess my addiction to The Bachelor and some CW shows that will remain nameless says it all. What else? I too was impressed with the “food writer” but my guess is that the casting agent was more focused on the fact that she used to be a Stanford Cheerleader (a co-worker went to school with her). She’s no Rockette! You do know what a “Rockette” is, right? Did she really ask him that? She bugs me but maybe I am just a hater. I too like the widow with the daughter (Emily?). She is so pretty and sticky sweet AND the only name I remember. We’ll see how this plays out! Good fun as always.

  8. Rebecca

    Yes- I forgot to mention earlier- that I really like Emily so far. She seems sweet but I worry she is the new Tenley with her ex. Time will tell.

    And yes, Kyle, the beginning was so sad and overdone.

  9. yael

    Rebecca, I am going to have to try and notice Brad’s weird body… but in the meantime, you raise a point, as does my MIL that I think is going to be the central question this boring season: Is Brad hot?

    You see, intellectually I understand that he is. He has symmetry in his facial features etc. And yet, I get zero attractiveness vibes from him. Is it just me, or would it not be entirely unsurprising if someone unzipped the skin on his back and we actually saw that he was a Robot, a la Small Wonder in the 80s? Something about the way he stares when someone is talking and how unemotional his emotional breakdown was.

    It’s Monday soon!

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