So here we are again, another season of guilty addictive displeasure courtesy of ABC. I am especially skeptical of this season of recycling but after the December I have had, I need something to make my brain temporarily comatose. And Brad Womack is just what the doctor ordered.
I am anti-spoiler and therefore blissfully unaware (mostly unaware) of the fact that there is already a conclusion to this entire charade. I have opinions. So do you. Let’s snark it out, friends. And we begin!
I am calling this episode an explosion of hyperbole because not one millisecond into the opening, Chris Harrison voiceovers “this is one of the most shocking seasons in Bachelor history.” He then introduces Brad with “Three years ago… one of the most controversial Bachelor finales in history.” This got me thinking: why the references to “history”? And I wonder if my father is aware of these historically significant happenings. So much more interesting than the War of 1812 IMHO.
We open with Brad watching the finale from his first season looking forlorn. He describes panic attacks, said he couldn’t work, and then explains how he found an incredible therapist to help him work through his phobia of commitment. Then Brad trash-talks his deadbeat dad. I smell a defamation lawsuit! And then we’re back to the hyperbole: Brad says that “in every single blog, I was called ‘selfish'” (is cnet aware of this?) and his brother says “the entire nation was asking what is wrong with this guy” (are the 280 million Americans that do not watch The Bachelor aware of this?).
Brad has done a lot of soul-searching and a lot of pumping iron.
But let’s stop talking about Boring Brad and his Dreadful Self-Analysis. Because Episode 1 is about the ladiez. I am thinking that The Bachelor series has been around the block a few times because the Bachelorettes seems pretty tired to me. But nonetheless, we have a moral duty to discuss each and every one of them.
Ashley S got the First Impression rose which I was happy about because I think she is right to just get on with things and analyze Brad from today forward. All the other girls that are trying to give him hell or slap him (I’m talking to you, Chantal) are hypocrites then for going on this show in the first place. Of course they knew who The Bachelor was.
In lieu of ordering by back-story montages (Look, a dentist’s office! Look, a car dealership!) or limo exits, let’s just be lazy and order by Rose Ceremony rose bestowals plus rejects:
Michelle: Salt Lake City single mom. Mormon? I don’t know. According to her bio on the show’s website, has a hair that grows out of a mole on her face and her favorite book is Eat, Pray, Love. Besides these two significant strikes against her, I think she is beautiful. Although she tells us she “is not here to make best friends” (alert alert) and it’s clear in upcoming promos that she doesn’t mention her daughter until well into dating Brad (in reality show years). We may have a villain on our hands.
Kimberly: Gets out of the limo and declares to Brad she has “questions and concerns”. Great pick-up line.
Madison: I despise her for wearing fangs and therefore acting coy and thinking it’s awesome. I feel upset on behalf of the entire borough of Brooklyn. I hope Brad ends up with her since he fuels her self-adoration by proclaiming how sexy and hot the fangs are. Ga-ross and Ga-ross and I bet you so many vampires are so pissed.
Emily: I can’t help it, I like this girl. She is so cliché Southern blonde beautiful but it actually comes off to me as beautiful. She seems very genuine. But there is no way Brad can fill the void Ricky the Racecar Driving High School Sweetheart left behind. He is not worthy.
Raichel: This season it is imperative to do a watch for Horribly Annoying Name Spellings. Award #1 goes to Raichel with an I. With a loser name like that, you’re going to end up as an overly proud “manscaper”. I wanted to be surprised that she thought it was a good idea to bring her waxing supplies to the cocktail party and then balden a portion of Brad’s wrist, but he was too good a sport about it and therefore it was all very typical and they deserve each other. Enjoy her, Brahd.
Keltie: The jury in my brain (totally impartial and comprised of your peers) is out on Keltie. She seems cute and earnest but I wish she would stop making references to the fact that she is a Rockette and high kicks. The schtick might already be up. Also, at the rose ceremony she yelped YAYYY twice and danced a little jig. Oh to the no, Tenley Redux.
Ashley H: I think both Ashleys should be booted just for having the same 80s name. But I am not the ruler of the universe. Yet. Something about Ashley H bugs me a little but I can’t put my finger on it. It might be the slightly ill-fitting strapless dress or the way she accepted a rose by shaking her head side to side and yet inexplicably saying “Yes, of course.” I am so far going to stay in her corner though because she is a dentist and I think it’s awesome that a woman on this show went to real school and is not a model, administrative assistant or marketing coordinator (Currently, I am basically a marketing coordinator. Sigh.)
Meghan: In fashion. Okay, that’s cool but am I all alone in despising the pink shoes she wore out of the limo? Groan.
Lisa M: I am kind of devoid of thinking of anything to say about her. Oh yes, the ruby slippers-as-Kansas reference. Hmmm.
Lindsay: Was she ever on camera?
Alli: Apparel Merchant from Columbus, Ohio. VICTORIA’S SECRET- DING, DING, DING! I am so Sherlock Holmes up in this piece.
Sarah P: I know one of the Sarahs made Brad “propose” when she got out of the limo. That always gets guys hot.
Sporty Spice Marissa: She lives, eats, breathes, poops sports. Obviously in a desperate attempt to get guys.
Britt: That is cool that she is a food writer. Although Marketing Coordinator would obvs be cooler.
Stacey: What Brad does not need is a bartender. Plus, according to her Bio she is most proud of her modelling contract and Candace Bushnell is her favorite author. Next.
Shawntel: Annoying Name Spelling Award number 2. Why? Although the funeral director thing is rocking’. Take that, sexism!
Jackie: This chick is a little ADD. NOT a fan of the pinky swears.
Melissa: Waitress. Says “catch me” coming out of the limo and falls into Brad’s arms. Whatevs.
Chantal: I forget now which is which. But this is the one that is divorced and works at Daddy’s car dealerships. If my father was my employer, I would at least hopefully get a better title than “Executive Assistant”. Otherwise, what is the point of nepotism?
Britnee: Didn’t know why she was being tossed aside but I am going to guess it’s her Pennsylvania accent and ANNOYING NAME SPELLING.
Cristy: How can you kick off the attorney?! With an annoying name spelling. My spell check wanted so badly for it to be Crusty.
J: Cute dimples but what makes you so awesome you get a one-letter first name? Rejected on a national show on your birthday. Owie?
Jill: No luck for the hometown girl. I am sure it wasn’t because her opening line was “I’m ready to get married.”
Lacey: Don’t remember.
Lauren: I was psyched she was a high school teacher (and not Kindergarten) and then Brad has to go and reject the girl who lives IN MY HOMETOWN. Arlington, VA is too cool for Brad Womack.
Renee: Poor Renee lost my rose when she said to Brad “I don’t take life too seriously. As you can see I’m not wearing shoes!” But she does win instead Quote of the Show. In fact, she is competing with herself for Quote of the Show. After she met Brad she said “I am so looking forward to meeting you.”
Sarah L: Obviously rejected because she can’t snap her fingers.
Rebecca: It was confusing to me initially if she was calling Brad a “frog” or a “prince” when she was quoting her mother (because, you know, her mother came up with that line). That might have been her demise.
Ashley S: Lost her dad. Brad probably can’t heal you, baby. He is so busy analyzing himself.
By the way, how lame was it to trot out Jenni and DeAnna and their mini-dresses? DeAnna is such a fame whore and she keeps trying to extend her 15 minutes with desperate things like still being hard on Brad.
Then the part I have been waiting two hours for: the previews. If the most exciting thing that happens this whole season is there is a girl fight, black eye and Brad gets rejected at the altar, then I am in for a boring couple months. But it still beats reading books, am I right?!!! Lol.