I have all these excuses for not blogging the FINALE of the FIRST EVER SEASON OF BACHELOR PAD in a timely fashion. Some involve my career. Some my sanity. Some my family. I even had good intentions. Just hours after the show aired live in the U.S., you would have found my husband and me, in the predawn hours GMT, silently staring at two laptops: he for the Jets game, me for Bachelor Pad. Cause we’re cool.
Not that the show has aired and aired out, this post is especially irrelevant. But there are two of you that will read it. And I love you both lots. So here we go-
The Super Six start the show. I wish I had been keeping track of all the awful monikers given to the lame couples who have been heading to the finale all along. Super Six? I mean, come on. In what way, exactly? You don’t all get the money.
I am hoping that the reason the producers picked ballroom dancing as the final competition was because David and Kovacs made a pact to bring each other to the end, and clearly the show had to give Kip-Ten some kind of leg up (do you see that pun?!) in the game to keep them alive.
It worked. But I can hardly fast forward when there is so much good material in the middle.
First, the second Elizabeth and Kovacs got into the limo, they attacked each other and dry humped. What WAS that?? Um, gross. You make out all day in the house, can’t you just behave in the limo? They’re like two virgins at Junior Prom. Gross and gross.
The rehearsals were amazing. All the foreshadowing was obvious. All the choreographer pairings were typical. Everything played right to type. And I was tired, so I appreciated so little effort being required of my brain.
Tenley squealed. Kiptyn acted like he had two left feet. David the likely-closeted homophobe had to practice with a small, delicate, gay man and embrace him. Kovacs had a supermodel choreographer , Edyta, who, as far as I can tell, was dance-raping him right there in the practice studio. As crazy as Elizabeth is, I will give her credit for not completely losing it or bailing. I can think of better things to do with my time than watch dance sex between my boyfriend and a stranger. Elizabeth’s straw yellow hair does not stand a chance in such a scenario.
Then we heard things like “cha-cha like you have sex in the house”, “we’re used to doggy style” and “tapping into my inner sexy being”.
But just when you think the overt and unappealing sexual innuendo is over, the couples emerge in their performance outfits. A quick survey reveals that Tenley and Kiptyn are wearing classy ensembles from another era – replete with reams of flowy material and a bow tie for Kip, while the other two couples are showing, in no particular order: an entire waxed chest (David), an entire waxed chest and stomach (Kovacs), both legs all the way up to the hoo-ha (Natalie) and, drumroll… an entire naked body (Elizabeth). Well done, ABC. This is DWTS for the slut set.
Then the judges are revealed and, confession: this is my favorite part!! WHERE DID THEY FIND THESE PEOPLE??!! Oh I know where. In the Reality Show unemployment line.
Melissa Rycroft Strickland. Too many names.
Jake. You are a verbal domestic abuser and boring and lame.
Trista. Trista, please please please stop this nonsense. Stop it.
Also, how are these people qualified to judge dance? I am not afraid to ask the tough questions here.
It went cha-cha, rumba and Foxtrot. Or something. Who cares.
They all did okay with varying degrees of suckiness. I actually liked Kip-Ten’s fall at the end. It was light comic relief and they played it off well. Elizabeth and Kovacs were about as stilted and awful as possible. And Natalie and David definitely regressed in their dance floor talents since rehearsal.
And so, the outcome was fair. Fair, considering it was totally unfair that it was a dance competition and Tenley is a trained dancer. But no matter, because that just made things a little interesting. They broke up the bro pact and also, they’re actually decent people. Not mean or conniving. Yes, Tenley is annoying. It’s better than mean and conniving though. Ah, depending on who you ask.
Rose Ceremony decision
So, BOO. In deciding who to bring to the “Final Four”, Kiptyn is wrestling between choosing by good strategy or choosing by friend/loyalty. We’ve been in this movie before. Kip-Ten makes the wrong decision. Had they picked Kovacs and Elizabeth it would have been guaranteed that the former house members, the studio audience, a homeless dog on the street- would have all declared Kip-Ten the victor. Instead they picked their “friends” (I am dubious of the long-lasting potential of this friendship) to go to the live finale. Kiptyn even reminds us “this is one of the hardest decisions of [his] lifetime”. Boring life, Kipper.
Live studio audience
We get introduced to Melissa Rycroft Strickland “and a 1/2”! Corny.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I hate the individual introductions of all the former roommates because the studio cheering is a popularity contest. I always feel awkward and then bad for the more quiet, boring people.
Wait, what th-
ELIZABETH IS A BRUNETTE!
Also, she tells the world that Kovacs is a player and they’re not together. The world is very surprised to hear it.
Gia, thankfully (because I needed some closure in my life) admits she should have picked Craig for the rose ceremony way back and by not doing so she set the course of the whole game in the wrong direction.
Wes: “Bad boys need love too.” I’ll accept that.
Tenley: “Kiptyn’s my boyfriend.” And one time we even went to third base. I danced the dance that was in my heart for him, talked a lot about my divorce and my ex and then we went to third base.
Dave and Natalie inform us they’re taking it slow and it’s long distance. Whatever that means. And obviously I missed something because this was the first time I heard Dave was with Jessie right before he went on his Vegas date. Wha?
Peyton looks awesome. For realsies. I mean, whoaaaa Peyton. Why were you one of “outsiders” this season when actually you’re a fan favorite and apparently smokin’ too? Re-do.
I also think, as per usual, the time in the live studio audience was squandered. Why not talk to Jesse B and Peyton about their cute friend chemistry and hijinks and how he turned out to be the most solid, stand-up guy on the show? Why not ask Weatherman what it’s like to be dissed all the time? Instead all these really boring things that no one ever cared about got aired out like the 5 seconds that Kiptyn told Peyton he wasn’t dating Tenley but maybe he really was. Wake me up.
And this is where I realize I have got to get to work. Speed this shit up.
So there are a bunch of speeches about what everyone was going to do with the money if they won and each was more cringe-worthy than the next. Everyone said, “I’m not gonna lie, I’m gonna have fun with it.” And everyone also tried to make up some sob story to tug at the heartstrings about debt and parents getting screwed on a house and divorces and 10% to charity and it was all a big mess.
I don’t know what I would have rather seen but maybe something a little more Richard from Survivor, like “I played the game. I was strategic. I hope you respect me as a competitor. I don’t know exactly what I’ll do with the money. I am sure an 8-ball of cocaine will be involved at some point, but regardless, I am good at this and deserve the moolah.”
Then Gwen confronted David about talking shit about someone in their late 30s being on a dating show. And I thought, THINGS ARE HEATING UP! I thought, surely Dave is now a goner. What jerk would talk trash about someone for something so harmless and someone that was nice to everyone? Why is he ageist and so full of himself? Remember when he voted himself for Who everyone would have a crush on? So I naturally assumed that this final statement about his character would do him in. Kiptyn never said a bad word about anyone. Clearly, we know the outcome.
Of course we don’t. Because all these pathetic, unemployed losers – it turns out they really just want the popular, mean couple to like them, to reallllly like them. So they all gave their vote to David and Natalie. Except Gwen because she is an old hag spinster on a dating show that probably loves her cats.
And last but not least, a twist on the money: If both Dave and Natalie individually choose to “Share”, the money will be divided. If they both choose to “Keep”, the rest of the housemates get all the money. And if one chooses to “Keep” and one chooses to “Share”, then the Keeper gets all the money.
David decided “Share”. Natalie gets a crestfallen and hardened face and makes a cryptic statement about bringing your friends as far as you can and then looking out for number one. Give this chick an Oscar. She had me too.
They both said “Share”! We all live happily ever after.
And I don’t feel so bad because $125K after taxes is enough to stave off that admin assistant job for about one more year. Not that exciting. Enjoy it, crazies.
As for me, a Bachelor/ette/Pad blogging hiatus. What will I do with my time?