bachelor pad recap: don’t hate the player, hate the game (and kovacs)

You're in your forties. Now the whole world knows.

The morning after the rose ceremony

A few guys try to make some half-hearted negative comments about Krisily but you know what, don’t kick a dead body, people.

My heart really went out to Gwen this episode. First of all, she was very adamant that she was the only one left who was truly alone. Which confuses me because unless Ashley and Nikki are closeted lesbians (possible. possible.), there are three people “alone”. And then Elizabeth, officially the craziest, meanest person in this ABC franchise, called out Gwen’s age. All along ABC was nice enough to put question marks but you know Elizabeth was just dying to say on camera that Gwen is in her forties. E is miserable about her own situation as a stalker and she is bringing everyone down with her.

Three girls are going home after fake Spin the Bottle

Totally anticlimactic in execution and result. ABC could have allowed for some drama leading up to this. Well, they thought they did by having everyone tape these side interviews where it sounded like they were going to do the exact opposite of what we all knew they were going to actually do. Problem is that we all know ABC’s pathetic tricks by now. Also, the little side interviews were conducted with people in their nighttime, dress-up outfits, NOT what they were wearing during spin the bottle. So it was pretty clear who was going to make it. Rookie editing, arseholes.

But still, we had pauses, side commentary and dramatic music.

Kiptyn is pacing. And pacing. And pacing. Nikki thinks she has a shot. Kiptyn seems unsure. Oh hell, speed it up losers. He chooses Tenley. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. And then they spend the rest of the episode kissing.

Kovacs tell us that Elizabeth “has a screw loose.” Yathink? But he chooses “emotions over strategy” and by ’emotions’ he means his libido. Unless emotionally he is yearning for a loose screw.

Jesse B is a little bit of a wild card but, my god, he is a good and decent man and chooses Peyton. His gal pal. She doesn’t even have to put out. At the end of the day the tattooed hot guy who burps and gets too drunk has the best manners. He opens doors for Peyton, he mostly respects demarcation lines in their shared bed and he tells her, no matter what, he is proud to be her partner.

Also he is redonkulously hot and has a sexy voice. And does not act full of himself. At all.

I kind of love Jesse B. JB. I can’t even remember all the man that have come before him. Frank who? Cape Chris what?

Dave surprises no one and chooses Natalie. And in a genuinely surprising twist in the show, they turn out to be the sweetest love story. But I’m jumping ahead.

I have to say one thing that annoyed me about Natalie. When Nikki, Ashley and Gwen got unceremoniously whisked off into limos (after blowing lots of kisses – that was effing weird), Natalie made a point to say “this show is about building relationships and Ashley and Nikki just didn’t get that.” Hmmmm, not so sure that’s how things went down. Three of the couples left knew each other before the show. What chance did the single cat-loving double chin-having girls ever have?

Hanging out

Kip-Ten are busy kissing.

Jesse is busy tackling an ingrown hair with a screw. Look, I’m not saying I’m his type, but I decided he is mine. Even if he is tall. I say it really for two reasons. One, he is tackling an ingrown hair with a screw. Two, I completely agree that monkeys are banana-peeling professionals. And it’s weird for Peyton to argue against that universally-understood fact. If nothing else, I mean, monkeys know their way around a banana.

Water balloon competition

Serious faces, dramatic music, the possibility of wet t-shirts. I’m stressed. I kept thinking maybe if they visualized the balloons hurling through the air as live babies, they wouldn’t drop them. Is that wrong of me?

This game looks hard.

Jesse is so nice about Peyton losing for them. She shouldn’t have worn her porcupine rings. DOH.

Dave & Natalie date

Elizabeth and Kovacs shoot a quick porno on the Lamborghini reserved for Dave and Natalie. I won’t miss all the soft-core porn between those two freaks this season.

Natalie and Dave are falling in love. I feel so vulnerable. I feel so unlike myself. I feel, what’s the word- – happy –for these two. They actually make sense together and Natalie doesn’t sound dumb anymore and Dave has lightened up on his man code and self-love. In fact, we got a little dose of Dave’s Sadness (parents’ de-vorce when he was 9) this night and I am not going to say I didn’t shed one or two little tears. Hmm, Dave lives in Tampa. Natalie is very loyal to her parents. These people are HUMAN. For a few minutes at least.

They have a wonderful date and are giddy when it’s over. I’m a little giddy too. Can they get a crazy reality show about their relationship as a spin-off?

Elizabeth and Kovacs train wreck

They “sneak” into the Fantasy Suite supposedly but then why when they walked through the door were about 200 votive candles already lit? ABC, don’t try and pull one over on me. You’re still on thin ice for naming this a show about bachelors and then inviting a bunch of coupled-up people to come in and steamroll everyone.

Elizabeth is worth more than $250,000. (Says who? Your madam? Life insurance company?)

Elizabeth to Kovacs: I love you. She really has a case of the Kovacs.

Chopping Block voting

Like Peyton and Jesse, I started to have hope. When all eight were told they would be voting individually, it really made sense to have a 5-3 split and vote off Kovacs and Elizabeth. They’re athletic and know each other well. Plus, David and Kovacs have some bizarre bromance pact and so Kiptyn would be better off getting rid of one of them now because otherwise he is next to go.

It was a genius plan, smart, and as a side benefit would have left in the house a couple that everyone genuinely likes and is not really a threat. So what could go wrong, right? Only that everyone lied through their teeth so dramatically that Tenley and Natalie even had some secretive girl pinky-kissing-fist-pumping ritual where they declared they were going to get rid of Bad Boob Job and her Prey. LIARS. I hate these skanks.

And then the Super Six that we knew would get to the end all along (ABC, boring plan mmmkay), got to the end. And decide to have a pajama party.

Thank gawd next week is the season finale. I’m kind of over this.



Filed under bachelor pad recap

8 responses to “bachelor pad recap: don’t hate the player, hate the game (and kovacs)

  1. Rebecca

    -Last night’s ending was, not surprisingly, such a letdown. ABC kept trying to trick us into thinking that Peyton and Jesse might be staying but it was so obvious all along it wouldn’t happen.

    -Melissa = orange. That’s all I have to say about that.

    -Chief blogger (not sure if you want your name used???), I’m surprised in your lack of commentary about easily the most important subject of this show – Elizabeth’s horrendous roots, which put Ali’s to shame.

    – Spin the bottle game was so boring I had to pour myself a second glass of wine to make it through. Boring, predictable, letdown.

    – Elizabeth having a screw loose = the understatement of the century.

    -How AWESOME would that have been if Kovacs had sent Elizabeth home?

    – By the way, my new crush is Kovacs. Hottie McHottiness. Minus Elizabeth.

    – WHY did Jesse B want Peyton to eat a banana? So corn-fused.

    -I forgot I had one more thing to say about Melissa, which is: purple outfit = dislike.

    – what are we going to blog about after this show is over? I’m fretting.

    • yael

      You are such a loyal Bachelor(ette) (Pad) watcher with such good observations… and yet, I am concerned about your taste. On Jillian’s season you liked Man Code Rage David and now you like Full-of-Himself cross-eyed Jesse Kovacs. Do I need to stage an intervention?

      • Rebecca

        Says the girl who loved on Crazy McCraziness Frank.

        IN MY DEFENSE. I only had a crush on David because I basically watched the entire show that season by keeping the TV on while working, so I knew nothing about what actually came out of David’s mouth. This is the first season I’ve actually listened to him speak. My crush was purely based on the physicality. I’m very deep like that.

      • yael

        Fair enough. And yes, I knew Four Eyes Frank would come back to haunt me. But at least he wasn’t mean. Just emo-crazy.

  2. Veronica

    ok, I feel like, in general, not enough has been said about what a horrendous “host” that chick hanging out with Chris in all the competition scenes is. of all the telegenic, funny, outgoing people who have been on that show, she was the best they could get to co-host?

    also, haven’t there only ever been two “successful” couples in, like, 47 seasons of the bachelor? can we please talk about that for a second?

    there was a great moment on the date this week where either natalie or dave talks about how great it is to finally be alone with each other, without distractions. apparently neither of them is distracted by an eight-person camera crew filming them making out.

  3. Veronica

    p.s. not only does crazy mccrazyson have a terrible boob job and terrible roots, but she has the worst fake blonde hair color ever. it looks like she peroxided it herself. i have no idea how ANYONE could find this even marginally attractive. it’s orangey yellow, like rotten straw.

  4. yael

    Dear loyal Bachelor Pad-ites,

    Sooooo…. yeah, Elizabeth’s hair. Agree with you both that it is a tragedy. So much so that I couldn’t even begin to blog about it. It always looks like bright yellow straw. Clown color and unhealthy. She is an interesting girl in the way she is physically made of plastic, chemicals and anorexia but yet manages on camera to look surprising beautiful. For fleeting moments. Like a grown-up and trampified Small Wonder robot.

    Also agree how horribly misleading and then predictable the ending was. I don’t know if it is my advanced age, but I am nursing quite a seething hostility at the producers of this show. And I am one of the innocent watchers! I don’t watch spoilers, I tune in loyally… and still they take a decently low-brow premise and then poop on it.

    And finally, I coudn’t agree more that Melissa Rycroft Strickland is basically the worst tv co-host ever. I don’t know what happened to her cute, bubbly, genuine personality from Jason’s season.

    My gawd, there is no longer one positive thing to say about this show. Funny Weatherman is gone (c’mon: and HOT, nice Jesse B is gone.

  5. Mere

    Can we talk about how annoying Tenley is, too? I mean, “We’re KIP-TEN!” OY! I actually recoiled in horror at that comment. Who does she think they are? Brangelina? Tenley seems like someone who would walk around carrying pompoms and doing high kicks. Can’t. Stand. Her. Either.

    Also appalled by the overly-frequent use of the terms “chopping block” and “power couple.” This show is almost too much for me to bear. Almost.

    When’s the bachelor starting up again? Haven’t heard any buzz on CCC being the chosen one lately. Anyone else?

    PS Agree on Melissa Rycroft Strickland’s inability to host a show in a non-robotic and value-added way. Pregnancy brain maybe?

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