bachelor pad recap: someone has to have the worst boob job

Who you calling a Jackass?

Our episode opens with the immediate after-shocks of last week’s rose ceremony. Wes alludes to “bending over and blowing smoke up each other’s asses” and DAMMIT, he wants it to stop – this talking behind people’s backs has Got. To. Stop. Pay no mind that this was the guy that congratulated himself on Jillian’s season for being the guy to get the farthest on the show for fame and with a girlfriend back home. He will not take any lying from anyone but himself. Okay? Okay.

Then David calls Wes a jackass. And the ensuing conversation goes something like this:

You better not call me a jackass.

Or what?

What?

You tell me?

Wait, what?

Who’s on First?

Natalie is carrying her rose everywhere. She has trouble even with the competition cards because her rose is superglued to her hand.

The Survey

Nikki dislikes the survey so much because it’s so mean that she makes her signature dislike face. The face can be mastered in a 3-step process. (1) Squish your face backwards into your head so you get as many chins as possible. (2) Look like you sucked a lemon. (3) Look like you sucked a lemon while you’re constipated.

Tenley is crying about  something. Everybody drink. Also, somewhere a unicorn dies.

Survey Time

Melissa Rycroft Strickland comes sashaying in wearing an ugly skirt and Old Navy tank top and I have to hold my head in my hands and face the god’s honest truth that this woman officially gets a massive paycheck for doing the least amount of work in the history of people doing little work.

The Questions and Correct Answers as follows:

1.  Who do most of you believe is going to win?

Kiptyn (because he is Nice and Nonthreatening and also likes unicorns)

2.  Who is your biggest enemy?

Melissa Rycroft Strickland. Wait, I can’t vote for her? Survey says… KRISILY.

3.  Who is the most shallow? Who also does not know the definition of ‘shallow’?

Elizabeth (But let’s have a good ‘ol laugh that the majority of people wrote ‘Krisily’ down. That girl is a lot of things but shallow is NOT one of them.)

4. Who is the dumbest?

Natalie NO WAIT, SHOCKING TWIST, IT’S GWEN – And worse, Tenley won being the only person that knew just how dumb Gwen is. Which prompted Tenley to say “my heart hurts”. My ears hurt hearing about her hurty heart.

5.  Who do you secretly have a crush on?

Please, no, no, no, if there is a lord, please do not have David win. Please. He scared me on Jillian’s season with Man Code, death threats against Juan and sexual harassment of Jillian. Plus he looks like a primate.

Dave. Ugh.

And to add insult to injury, he even voted for himself.

6. Who will be a bridesmaid, but never a bride?

Natalie. Look I know she is taking it hard but it’s so much nicer to vote for the party, fun girl than the girls who will actually never be brides: Nikki and Gwen. And apparently Krisily who was on this franchise two decades ago.

7. Who is the biggest jerk?

Wes, easy.

Now it’s a tiebreaker between the Jesses… drumroll…

8.  WHO HAS THE WORST BOOB JOB?

Elizabeth

Tenley and Jesse B are the winners of the competition and get to pick their one-on-one dates. I have NO idea who either of them might pick!

Elizabeth’s boob job and “Kovacs’s” epiphany about his closed-off emotions

Kovacs, to his credit, did not vote for his fake girlfriend, even though she clearly has the worst boob job. In fact he let us know  “I think she has great boobs”. Yeah, we sort of gathered that when you were humping in the shower.

Natalie is crying all over the house about always being a bridesmaid and Gwen says “believe me, we’ve all been insulted today.” Which was sweet of the Dumbest Person in the House to say. But you know what, the only people insulted were the girls. In typical fashion, the slam book questions were sexist and would inevitably lead to tearing the women down. Dumb? Boob job? Shallow? Those questions are going to skewer women. How about some fairness in the Qs like Who: is the biggest meathead, prolly has in illegitimate child somewhere, has the smallest d**k, is a momma’s boy, will end up in prison.

I have zero tolerance for Elizabeth and cannot wait for the millisecond when I learn she is kicked off this show. That said, it must suck to get voted Most Shallow and Worst Boob Job.

Kovacs said a lot of touchy-feely stuff like “I care about Elizabeth[‘s boobs] a lot… it broke my heart when she was devastated… I care about this girl[‘s boobs]… I need to tell her how great and beautiful she is… I don’t care about the money [just her boobs].” Awesome soliloquy. Perfect for rolling tape when crazeballs batshit Elizabeth eats her Kovacs prey for dinner one day. But it is sweet that Kovacs is a better person after Boob Debacle 2010.

Rainbow Brite’s one-on-one date

Tenley decides she is going to add some suspense on who she is taking when she says, “This is hard because I love you all.” You know what I love? When people use the term “love” so casually. I want Tenley to prove she LOVES everyone. SHOW ME YOU LOVE, KRISILY, YOU WICKED TENLEY.

Sorry about that. She chooses Kiptyn. I can’t believe it.

The spaz takes Kiptyn to Catalina Island (um, can I go there? Please??) and on the way Kiptyn says, “Whoa! I have never been on a helicopter!” and somewhere an ABC staffer is getting fired for letting one slip through the cracks on a season past.

Then a bunch of ziplining analogies and double entendres and metaphors are thrown about. And I don’t even know the difference between those three.

Tenley before ziplining: “We’re both ready to take a leap of faith”.

Kiptyn: “Our relationship is like zplining…blah blah blah… and this will take our relationship to new heights.”

Me: Watching this is like ziplining without a harness and with a faulty zip wire- I plunge to a terrifying end but then there is peace.

Back at the ranch

Wes wants the couples “busted up”. I will give the guy his word choice.

Back on the date with the dorks

Tenley’s uber-white teeth and eye make-up are bugging. Kiptyn is balding. Why can’t I just be happy for these two crazy kids? Aw shucks, all right then. Go for yours!

Kiptyn says this is one of the best days of his life. Tenley quickly mulls over whether she has another dance in her heart or whether she’s going to be a heart-dancing slut.

And look how excited she gets at popping champagne! At popping Kiptyn’s forehead zit! At paying taxes!

I’ll give Kiptyn a whole lotta credit- His first compliment to Tenley is that she is hilarious. Most guys on this franchise say something about the girl’s beauty. I’m with you, Kiptyn. Compliment first the things people have control over. Stay classy, Catalina.

Back at the ranch

Jesse picks Peyton for his date. We saw that coming and there didn’t seem to be a whole lot of strategy.

Krisily says she has never been this frustrated in her life. Well lady, you have had a good life then!

And the very newly-humanized Kovacs continues to try and make good with his manipulative android girlfriend. Who suspiciously is not walking around the house trying to rustle up votes for her main squeeze. She is basically just telling him not to let the door hit him on the way out. Is it me or is Elizabeth less into Kovacs now that he is accessible, polite and into her?

Back to nice, boring couple

Tenley and Kiptyn get to continue exploring their relationship in the fantasy suite and “tonight is going to take the relationship to the next level”. Tenley said “I think we’ve passed the friendship level” which is an astute observation. Ya think? I’m not sold. I totally snuggle, sip champagne and make out with all my platonic guy friends.

Going into the house Kiptyn says they have to put their game faces on. Tenley has a lot of talents but a poker face is not one of them. I AM SO IN LOVE AND I DON’T CARE IF THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD KNOWS! WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesse B’s one-one-one with Peyton

ABC is going to piss me off again with the going-to-commercial-break-promos- So apparently I don’t even have to watch Jesse B and Peyton’s date because we know every gross and annoying thing he does.

But this “black and white” (why did they keep describing the color?) byplane is so much more awesome than a helicopter.

Their date is in a hangar. They like steak and potatoes and corn dogs. They’re both “country”. They have the same morals. They are going to be in love for a lifetime. Until:

  1. Jesse gives Peyton the rose too early
  2. Peyton keeps talking about Jesse’s good looks
  3. Jesse starts treating Peyton like “a little sister”
  4. Jesse gets drunk and semi-obnoxious
  5. Peyton gets all high and mighty

Peyton is on a reality show trying to win money. She has schemed, eaten pie without hands, thrown people under the bus, kissed 10 guys in a row and spent inordinate amounts of time on camera in a bikini before millions of at-home viewers. It just seems like the wrong time to get pissy about not getting romanced properly by a gentleman.

Krisily, oh Krisily

So here’s the thing: Krisily is not my favorite person in the world but it is still troubling for me to watch her get so blatantly played.

She is sitting, chit chatting with Dave, somehow trying to make the connection that because she felt chemistry when they kissed they must be meant to be together, not internalizing the fact that he picked Natalie for the fantasy suite before and totally ignoring his egomaniacal comment about just being happy he won best kisser. David, he of the triple bromance, has Krisily at hello. She can’t believe someone is finally talking to her. Oh, David. You’re such a shit the way you prey on those weaker than you. I’ll have you know Miss Krisily was once Miss Rhode Island. Uh huh. See here.

Strategerizing portion

Wes compares himself to a lion.

Cocktail party / Chopping block voting

I like that people refer to Kovacs and Elizabeth as a “power couple”. They are totally the next Bill and Hillary. The Beckhams. Brad and Angelina. The Obamas.

It’s awesome that the Bromance triumverate cannot pronounce Krisily. Chrissy Lee. Chrissy Lee. Chrissy Lee, you have to keep my boy Kovacs. David, have I mentioned you are a shit?

I am not fully decided on Gwen’s red dress/turquoise necklace ensem.

Buh-bye Chrissy Lee and Wes

I love Krisily’s goodbye speech. PREACH IT, MISS RHODE ISLAND.

“David made me feel safe.”

Says the victim to the date rapist.

Until next week!

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