I actually watched this episode with four other people, and for once two were males. One I happen to be married to. So it was very convenient that this was the kissing contest episode. Nothing like some soft-core porn to convince a male that this show is worth something.
The episode opens with- hell, I have no idea. But I perked up when Gia started in on her post-last week’s rose ceremony tirade against dishonesty, calling double-chinned Nikki out in front of the room for going against her word about voting Kiptyn off. Gia will play this theme out the whole show, conveniently forgetting that she was the first person to make bad on her word. Once upon a time she told Craig her word was bond. Oops. She’s lucky Craig was always borderline-stoned or he might have regulated that sh*t.
So where were we?
Good, wholesome entertainment on network television for the whole family. Also, and I will try not to harp on it, Melissa Rycroft Strickland is annoying in her uselessness on this show. She is either mute or shouty.
Certifiable Elizabeth says she doesn’t want to kiss Jonathan. Which is perfectly gratuitously mean-spirited. She and “Kovacs” deserve each other as they might both be devoid of a soul. I wish ABC would flash back decades ago to when she was a brunette and got coy with Jake Pavelka and said she wouldn’t kiss him but would cock-tease him to his very death. She used to be so innocent.
The game is slutty, I can hardly stand it. Apparently even I have morals.
ABC did not show everyone’s kisses (poor Gwen) but decided to linger on every one of Elizabeth’s. I will admit, she has a unique technique. She literally tries to tongue each person’s tonsils.
I like how “Kovacs” got pissed that Ashley declined to participate in the game (because she’s a high school teacher- there is a god!). God forbid there be one female he doesn’t get to dry hump. Excuse my language. This show is turning me into a floozy.
It was gross watching Nikki kiss. I feel bad saying it. But it’s just that she is so asexual, she is antisexual.
At first I wanted to give the men credit for not using tongue on Gia but then it occurred to me that none of them wants a brass knuckle to the temple from some roided-out paisan from Queens. Smart thinking, douchebags.
I may not have been paying attention, but why is Gia crying so hard? She sounds like Kermit when she tries to talk while crying.
Weatherman is “stoked” for this. Which of course makes me feel bad. He just has no clue he apparently repels everyone. Elizabeth was even kind enough to dramatically spit after they kissed. She needs to vaporize.
I feel like Elizabeth may have actually defied the laws of physics and figured out how to date rape someone while kissing them.
Weatherman keeps having to pause the game because he is getting chubbies. Come on, that is endearing. Ish?
I wish ABC had let Wes describe every girl’s kissing technique but at least we got:
Tenley = sleepy
Natalie = violent
Peyton = dry kiss which made him happy because he didn’t have to wipe his mouth afterwards. He only tolerates that when he’s wasted.
Jonathan is funny. I’ll never say it again. But I’m just saying. He said this kissing contest was the best day of his life. LOL.
I LOVE that Peyton won. I have to give the men credit. I would have expected them to go for the ones trying to lick their insides.
David chooses his dates and then goes to Vegas
David told Nikki he was picking her because she really impressed him. Meaning she saved his boy. DOUBLE DOUCHE.
Gia recycles her hypocritical accusations against Nikki for going back on her word.
Natalie says that going to Vegas with Nikki is like going with your grandma. Probably true. At the very least, Nikki brought your grandma’s hairdon’t.
Krisily is stifling a deep crush on David and is convinced their blindfolded kissing and all the things she wants to say from her heart make them destined to be together. If only
Nutty Natalie wasn’t hopping from lounge chair to lounge chair in a bikini and then getting topless.
David’s rose ceremony
I would have been unshocked to see that David chose Natalie but I was too distracted by her terrible dye job. Is it just me or is her hair green?
Natalie is the most quotable person ever on this franchise: “This is the best Vegas date I think I’ve ever had.” Pray tell Natalie, how many Vegas dates have you had and why don’t you remember them all?
Fantasy Suite card from Chris
ABC, you just diluted one of your trademarks.
David: “Natalie has a lot of good character.” If you say so.
The most intelligent thing this two yahoos have ever done on this show is to keep their newfound reality show romance a secret. And remember when she was in love with Jesse Beck five minutes ago?
Back home Tenley and her helium balloon voice are saying something but I am not paying attention.
Let’s first talk about how she got the shaft. The other date was Las Vegas, involved semi-nudity and then a huge hotel suite with multiple rooms and private pool. Peyton gets drag racing and then some weird cordoned-off room in the Bachelor Pad house with some edible chocolate “body paint” on the nightstand.
Peyton is walking with one of the gu- WHA??? A taco/burrito cart is MY DREAM DATE. I am green with envy.
I was surprised Peyton threw Tenley under the bus a little when she told Kiptyn that Tenley has shared her feelings about him. But then props to him for being such a convincing liar about not being interested in Tenley. Kiptyn comes off so genuine and kind and it’s refreshing to know he is actually as two-faced and manipulative as the rest.
I happen to have watched this episode with a friend who went to high school with “Kovacs”- was a senior when he was a freshman. Apparently dude was full of himself then too.
Jesse Beck goes in for the eloquent kill with Peyton: “I think you’re awesome.” Bring on the stupid chocolate body paint.
I like how Peyton and Jesse are seriously discussing whether Natalie might be mad if they get together, obviously having no idea that, UM, SHE GOT A BOYFRIEND IN VEGAS Y’ALL.
Peyton’s Rose Ceremony
Jesse is “stoked” but I can’t stop laughing out loud at how stupid the rose looks pinned to the exact middle of his shirt, falling down. I am not kidding- it’s worth rewinding your Tivos.
Jesse B said Peyton is one in a million. Um, If you say so. You’re sort of smoking yourself but um, whatevsies.
They then “got rough” and are “now dating”.
And for once, there is actually a question from all of America generated from this show: WHAT ARE THIS GIRL’S KISSING TECHNIQUES?
Back at the Ranch
Why does Elizabeth call her fake boyfriend Jesse “Kovacs”? That’s weird to me.
Kovacs: “Elizabeth has ruined everything for me.” There’s so much more I could say but he summed it up so nicely.
Wes plays his only known song
Gia loves his passion. She is touched and vulnerable. Her Kermit voice even comes out when she considers the lyrics. And then she gets a little lyrical herself:
“Wes is like the modern-day Shakespeare, but better.”
A-worryin‘ and A-schemin‘
I miss the days when this show was Outsiders vs. Insiders. Now it’s Singles vs. Couples.
Gia lies some more to Kiptyn about how she was just the “messenger” to try and vote him off at the last rose ceremony, not the puppet master. The tears come and then the Kermit voice. Gia, now I’m done with you too. Buh-bye.
THE CHOPPING BLOCK
I was disappointed with Chris Harrison’s conservative outfit this week.
Has Gwen spoken once this episode?
Elizabeth said the Weatherman is not funny, not good-looking and she doesn’t like him but “it’s not personal” when voting him off. You guys, it’s not personal, okay?! I just personally despise his persona, personality and personhood. Don’t take it so personally.
Nikki’s double-chin. Unlike.
Wes swore on The Holy Bible at one point. I think that sort of says everything about this show.
I will hand it to the triumvirate BFFs who all gave each other their word to protect one another and their hook-ups. Their word is actually bond. (This week.)
Kiptyn called $250,000 life-changing. After taxes I beg to differ.
Why did Gia sign ‘I Love You’ to Wes before the Rose Ceremony? Her Guido back home is going to be so PO’ed.
Melissa Rycroft Strickland’s presence annoys the hell out of me. Chris Harrison was doing just fine without her.
Shock of the Century: David sent Gia home.
Jonathan got a little philosophical in the limo.
Promos for next week
Slam books come to life. Bring it.